Jillian Ann's Journal... the real one that I say what I want

box

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:19:54 GMT

Its funny how lessons and teachers come into my life. For me it will start usually with a realization and then often is followed with people out of nowhere or so it seems carrying the message..
Recently that message has struck somewhere deep in one of those places that I have been working with since childhood. The place where I felt I had to "be" this way or that way behave this way or that, mold myself fit myself into a box made of someone else's desires of who and what I should be. When I was younger I had lots of conflict around this box, because I knew I would never be able to live my life trying to fit into other peoples boxes and more so when each person had a different box for me. Yet when I didn't conform to the box I would often meet with anger, rejection, manipulation, guilt, shame, and even to the degree of violence. If I was an animal it would have left me like a dog who was clearly unsure if people were to ever be trusted, but the inner conflict eventually started to become less and less conflicted and more and more sure .

If someone loved me they accepted me, as I was and would encourage me teach me through love, but love wasn't control. It seems many confuse love and power, and I encountered my share of people who have that confused and often its out of insecurity and its often not something they see. I never wanted to be angry, for years I just internalized it all, because I didn't want to become like those who had abused me. I never wanted to be that one, I internalized it so much that it started to come out on its own, leading to me finding myself trying to match the internal pain with something physical. I've learned since that makes sense as a kid I didn't know what I know now about having to match the internal emotional intensity to the external physical for balance. Because of extreme things which happened or were done I responded with the same kind of extremes, trying to find balance, but since I repressed all my hurt and anger afraid that either I would become like those who abused me or because if I expressed how hurt I was then I would just seem weaker as well as when I had often it had been later taken and used against me or used to manipulate me.

I was intelligent and so if people did those things to me I would withdraw as much as I could but sometimes I had no escape in childhood I didn't and so it all got shoved inside and locked behind steal doors. I didn't want to fight and so I would just take it , eventually I learned pain really didn't hurt me, but what hurt me was the intention behind the pain being inflicted that would cut. I left vowing to myself I would never go back, and that meant into a situation that was abusive in any way. Granted the problem is when you don't know the otherside sometimes its hard to tell and abuse can take on so many faces. I made the vow to myself because I wanted to create a safe place for myself and as much as I always longed like every girl does for the protector the king the one who loves and protects you the king I never knew. I realized within a few years and after a few relationships where I was looking for that I had to become it , I had to be my own protector and sure maybe my fairy tale dream will one day be but until then I had to become that for myself.

People have come in and out of my life and played that role, sometimes as friends, sometimes as lovers, and when it happens it always gives me hope. I am old fashioned and still believe in fairy tales, I also learned I have to write mine and that means sometimes I have to leave the castle abandon the ship go swimming with the sharks and jump off the cliff because to stay would be to die internally or break my vow and I really don't like breaking vows its not something I like to do. At this point in many ways I have gotten stronger in the whole " take me as I am " for I can't be anything else, and being bold and shameless with who I am . There are still a few things, all which run as deep as it goes and are close to my heart which cause me to have to work through conflict the conflict that comes from a life time of being taught/told I was never good enough, to be loved and the only way to be loved was to fit into someone else's box...

I spent lots of time emptying out all the things I used to shove down, and the process hasn't been easy but it allows me to be free and know myself. I've let go of many things that I used to hold onto because I thought they helped keep me safe, and the more of my walls I tear down, the more I let people in , the more I open up the more I strip away the layers not only in my life but in my art and creativity the more I feel like I did as a child both full of hope and dreams, as well as very affected by the world around me, the more present I become the more open I become the richer and more beautiful life has become. There is no box for me to fit in, there are no walls to hide behind, if someone loves me they will accept me and anything less isn't love its about power, and I am not here to play games, there is no time for mask, for pretending, for hiding.

This is where I could go into how so many things have become so tainted sending the message to so many we have to fit into this box or that box in order to be "worthy" and sadly religion is right up there with other systems that have been if nothing else tainted by those who aware of it or not are all about power. You will never win if you play for power, its not possible it only ends in bloodshed and broken hearts. The core of this is not about religion, race, politics, the core of this has to do with each and everyone of our spirits and our connection to whats beyond as well as how we deal with ourselves. If I don't look myself in the mirror if I don't face both the pain and bliss the love and suffering within how can I even be, if I don't know myself how can someone else? if I don't accept myself who else will? If I am not connected spiritually how can anyone else connect me?

I find heaven in all things, nature silence working playing traveling for it comes from within, I don't have to earn it or behave or live in a box, I don't have to follow 7.000 rules or give up all my dreams I don't need a leader for I am already there. ... I just get in my own way sometimes....and thats what I am working on.....

Mask

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 05:12:42 GMT

keep your head high
walk without looking back
don't be afraid to shine
or to walk the line

walk the walk
talk without walk
is empty
and talk that walks
opposite of its talk
is a deception
creating confusion
leading to nothing

it used to be so easy
to be fearless
then you get hurt
people wound you
then that blissful
ignorance slips

finding the balance
between being
innocent as a dove
and shrewd as a snake
loving and yet not prey
in a world in which
both love and hate
creation and destruction
go hand in hand

anything less then truth
anything less then transparence
anything less then honesty
anything less then being real
is nothing and nothing
isn't worth anything

yet it is a land
full of mask and games
lies and manipulation
often born from insecurity
strengthened through fear
until what is real is buried
so deep below
the act becomes reality

I listen I pay attention
I hear I am growing
The lesson is to
Stand like a tree
through the wind
through the storm
until the sun comes out
and shines down

Video Girl

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 00:35:19 GMT

Monsters Under The Bed

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 23:20:04 GMT

Recently I have found myself in situations which caused me to remember that time when I was a child and was scared there was a monster under my bed.
I would be so scared and then I would force myself to see because maybe I was scared for no reason, of course when I looked under my bed there was no monster
The monster was only in my own head.

Over the years I have started to learn to trust my instincts, as well as tune into which ones are monsters under my bed and which ones are real. I have found
that usually when I get real warning signs they come out of nowhere, I will be in a happy peaceful blissful or just mellow state and out of nowhere something
hits me over the head, I have learned the more I pay attention the more clear things become.

But my instincts were not something I was taught to follow, there was no class in intuition no class on listening. I happened to spend lots of my time in the woods alone
or making art or just alone and in that alone time I did lots of listening. I was so used to living in a world that I spent a large amount of my time alone wondering in the woods
listening creating and just being that my transition into big cities and a world where all around me were all these things, people, energies, which I felt but while living
in NY I had to learn how to ground .

Now in Los Angeles I am adjusting, I am told its the land of smoke and mirror and for years I would come and stick my pinky toe into the water and slowly I found
people who were not part of the smoke and mirror performance. I also ran into my share of people who would shape shift on me, I remember when I was eighteen
I ended up staying at a agents, this agent turned out not to be good news and I could feel it, the energy felt all wrong and so I emailed this photographer who's work
I loved and then he called me and the moment I heard his voice I knew he was someone who I would be safe with , I just knew it and so I went outside and was just honest
I told him I ended up in a situation with someone that didn't feel safe at all. He then drove over at three in the morning and got me, and from then on out he was
one of my best friends and he taught me many things he also was well known in the world I was running in and before him I got messed with allot once our
connection as creatives and friends became public it was like someone had built a wall around me. At the time and for those years I needed that, I remember I would
stay with him anytime I was here, and often I would fall asleep while he worked in his office. He always protected me, always called me out, and was a real friend,
we had our moments, we didn't always see eye to eye but until the end I knew he had my back and he had me covered. After he died LA was a tough place for me
I suppose in cities being the nomad I have been I would always find that one person, I only needed one as long as I had one who I knew was there and
on the same page then I knew if I happened to find myself in a situation where I needed backup I had someone and somewhere.

As a women as fearless as I am I also realize the world I live in requires me to see the war going on around me all the time. Over the years
I learned the hard way often that despite the fact I see the world as my home and roam freely and feel I can live be anywhere I also have learned
its much safer to have someone around who knows the land, the pitfalls, and who has been there a long time and knows the ropes.
As a model for years I learned it was worth more then gold to listen to those who had been in a market for a long time, and as a model who
traveled and booked work on my own most of the time, I would usually tap into someone prior and get as much information as possible.

Yet over the years despite the skills i have learned sometimes I find myself in a room or on the way to meet someone and I get hit with the ten
pounds of bricks. Its happened though to me often through jobs my agency got me, which was one of the reasons I liked doing stuff on my own
I could read things through emails and voices, and I would actually research people prior to getting on a plane and flying somewhere . The last few
close calls i had were through agencies, situations where I found myself in the room with a predator who viewed me as something to eat.
I've had people sink there claws into me when I was younger, and its not something I allow, there was a time I didn't know how to fight and or didn't
think it was ok to fight but I realized that it is that energy that keeps the cycle going of those who prey often on women or the more gentle spirited and those who get
raped, sexually assaulted, abused, controlled and or just used.

At this point being protective and willing to fight back I feel is something I must do not only for myself but in hopes to do what I can to
break the cycle. As someone who is all about love it took me a long time to realize allowing someone to rape, sexually abuse, abuse, control, or
harm me was only allowing the cycle to continue and it was ok to do whatever I could to stop it including leaving, calling in others or fighting back.
The last few predators I have encountered I went head to head with and granted I may have been scared and gotten a few scratches
I escaped without allowing them to take what they were after. Granted I have also had to call in friends for they come faster sadly then the system
or have not only taken it to the system but also if they were in the modeling industry had no problem alerting everyone I knew that they had tried
to sink their teeth into me. Sometimes girls wouldn't listen and would work with people regardless and often end up getting hurt in the indi modeling world
there are many who actively try to protect each other and will do whatever they can to help protect but just from watching and being a part of it
I have seen allot and the only way to play is to realize it is a war and sometimes it involves fighting back.

There are monsters under the bed which are often just our own, then in real life we can encounter those who really just want to take something from us
granted in a balanced relationship there is a exchange, one is not just eating the other, sensing the give and take is important, there are those that will
stop at nothing to take what they want with no concern of how it harms the other. If you encounter this its important to not be afraid to fight back because by
allowing it we feed it and by feeding it the cycle continues.....

Its up to us to change things for the better but I don't think its a passive act of just allowing things to go on but actively working with what is.
I view life as a battle and I am here to fight for I have learned if I don't fight I will just become a slave to someone or something....
Fighting doesn't mean the use of anything physical the more I tune in the more I see and feel things before they hit me causing me
to have the capacity to avoid having to go head to head and hand to hand... which is of course something I would rather not do....
Yet I have also learned most of the battle takes place via the spirit and have learned over the years that sometimes saying nothing
and just being present with intention can send a bullet through the walls.

I have found myself in the room or next to those who raped me years latter more then once, I have walked into studios and come
face to face with those who raped or tried to rape my friends and I feel something then, and so do they, and nothing needs to be said
for just being there says it all. I feel like a ghost sometimes sent back just to remind them that what you do never dies its no secret
there are no secrets these people continue to go about life with mask and smoke in mirrors but the truth will always come out and will always
set those it needs to free .....eventually

Which is why when something that happens that may hurt me I chose to accept it and realize its just another tool, another experience
and the more i have the further I can go and the more wounds I heal from the more I can give that to others, the more I live through
the more I can burn a path through and the more I learn the more I can share. For nothing can take my love or spirit from me,
all the things that happen only teach me, and as I learn I grow stronger and wiser so I embrace the bullets if I actually get hit
for if I miss one I must learn from it and from the process of removing and healing myself...
Many feel unworthy or worthless because of things that were done to them or because they have a heart full of bullets and wounds
but nothing anyone does to you makes you worth any less, nothing that happens to you or that you experience takes away
your beauty and love unless you let it, we have that choice, its the monster under the bed. If you shut down disconnect turn off and tune out
then over time the more detached the more turned off you become the less you are aware of how you harm yourself and others
most of those who I encounter as predators at some point were not and just lost more and more of there connection until the only
thing that mattered was power taking power eating energy feeding. If we are empty then we can end up becoming the predator
yet we are never empty unless we chose to believe we are, and disconnect our souls... fear is often one of the causes of that disconnect
and so its important to look under the bed for often the monster is only in our heads......

We can chose to love, to have hope to protect create and fight the good fight or not.. we have that choice it is ours nothing and no one else
can make that choice. We can be full of love and give back and live in peace or not, we can chose to learn from all things and accept all things
as our teachers or not, we can work with what we are given or not, but nothing and no one can take the love and beauty from our souls unless
we chose to allow it... love is limitless and always there we just have to chose it.. we are responsible ... if we want a better world if we want more love
if we want peace its up to us.....

Head First

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 12:39:30 GMT

I am working on my website...
Its always been like a trip back
Each picture contains a moment in time, of course I know where I was when it was taken, what i was going through where my head and heart was. So anytime I work on my art be it my website, music or almost anything it rips me open and brings me to the moment...
I am thankful for it, I am forced to deal with whatever has been or is going on, and because of that no matter what happens I've learned how to use it and work through it by working with it.

My life is far from dull, its been full, so full that sleep seems to escape dreams and reality merged into one for sometime. I end up in a space where energy just continues to move as fast as I can keep up with it...
Granted now and then I hit a wall which I must either climb go around or break down depending on the situation, other times something hits me, a bullet, I trip, I fall, I get wounded and then I try to heal it while continue to keep the pace as much as possible.

I am not afraid to throw myself out there, I am not afraid to love deeply fully and with my whole heart, but that lack of fear only comes from having my heart broken so many times that I came to the perspective that everytime it was broken it just grew larger each time rather then smaller. Now I suppose my perspective is why not just jump, dive in head risk, take risk, risk it all, tomorrow may never come, this may actually be my last moment.
But that perspective comes from tasting death, and having my body be traumatized by others as well as seeing my fair share of early deaths. So if now is all there is what really matters? is it worth it to hold back and hold in your love your dreams your truth because of what? for what? Fear of what being hurt....

I've been hurt enough deeply enough to learn it fades, just as the body heals the pain comes and goes it all passes away, and with that understanding then its easier to continue to do what I can to keep my heart on my sleeve..I've been told its stupid but I've been told lots of things I ignore choosing to follow my heart ... I just keep moving, jumping in, head first, never really sure what will happen, and understanding that is the beauty of it, the unknown the wonder the open space in which to create....

It's the only way I know how to live, no matter how many times I got burned, I just take it as a teacher, a lesson.... And I have a choice I can shut down and shut off and detach and become distant and removed or say f*&^% it and jump in for round two....

My mother used to worry because I wasn't really afraid of things and now when I see fear, when it finds me, I like to stare it in the face and then go head to head... I have learned usually when its challenged it bows out and the battle is easily won. Often if you take a knife to what is behind the fear and if it is true you find it's not. Yet if its allowed to dictate your every move it can cripple you and prevent you from living, loving, creating, dreaming.. granted some fear has a place and sometimes I have a hard time not challenging the rules and boundaries of what have been taught or given to me to believe granted by challenging things head on I usually figure out one way or another how real it is. ....

Each day teaches me, each conversation, each job, each moment, expands my head and heart.....

My arts just been an extension of it all ... channeled into some form

m

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 08:31:39 GMT

New York always has held a place in my heart. Returning here reconnects me with dreams that inspired my life this far, and reminds me of how despite all our planning building and attempts to protect we are always living in a place where everything can change in a passing moment. Reflecting back I have had a life filled with these moments, moments in which my world is completely altered. Sometimes that moment is created because of a event which some may view as tragic or devastating, a sudden death, rape, bombs blowing up buildings, betrayal, loss of loved ones, illness, loss of something you invested your heart and soul into. Other times those moments can be created by the experience of the divine be it through love, nature, bliss or just connecting to the world ourselves and each other in acceptance and love. When I was younger and I first experienced situations that were extremely challenging and or painful I had a hard time understanding them or why it happened. But then I quickly came to a point of understanding I may never understand why, and accepting it and then whatever the situation be it painful or blissful, heart break or inspiring accepting it and allowing it to be and for it to teach me.

When things happened that were very difficult or painful, I started just seeing it as my teacher, and embracing the lesson that came with the experience. This allowed me to work with and move through situations that were very difficult and come out on the other end grateful for the experience even though I had to learn how pull out bullets and sew back wings. I realized at a young age I had a choice, if I experienced say rape or abuse, or just betrayal I could chose to forgive and learn from it and transform it into something I could then use in a positive way or I could close down shut off and live in fear and anger. I chose to accept it all, everything I encountered, everything I did, everything I experienced and just let it be and learn from all of it. What I learned is the things when I was a teenager I didn't think I could take now I see as a beautiful and transformative experience be it painful and difficult at times.

Sometimes I find myself in new situations with new experiences and new lessons, and usually the first time around it is about learning and that process can sometimes be painful. When you fall off the bike and cut your knee ten times before you finally learn how to ride. Yet I am willing to fall off the bike cut myself up and keep getting on it over and over until I finally am able to ride it clear across the city with the wind beside me.

How we deal with difficult situations, painful situations, can really alter our path and the world we live in. For it seems many adopt the mentality of you hurt me I will hurt you back, or you didn't give me what I wanted or you are not doing what I want and so therefore I will try to control you or will hurt you in order to make you do what I want. Or you strike me I will strike you back ten times harder. Granted I understand in a sense spiritually life is war but I suppose to me fighting doesn't mean needing to feed into the energy of revenge. We live in a world in which war is a example of that mentality or choice feed by many therefore creating a massive ball of energy which leaves behind a path of destruction often without actually coming to any resolution and simply draining or taking peoples lives away. Yet we all have tiny wars in our lives and minds on a daily basis and being aware of them is often the hardest part.

What is the motivation behind the action, is it out of fear or acceptance, is it out of anger or forgiveness, and if you are angry how can that be transformed or used in a productive way. If fear is the motivation behind choices often those choices lead into a cycle that can become very painful. Fear of being alone, fear of loving, fear of letting someone in, fear of losing all or who you love, fear of not being good enough, fear of getting hurt, fear of losing our jobs, fear of death, fear of living, it's a powerful force fear and sometimes it serves a purpose. Yet I have found that everytime I find fear and force myself sometimes kicking and screaming internally to work with it and come through it rather then letting it build a box around me which then becomes a prison I always feel as if I grow both in love and the capacity to love and accept what is and that means whatever is in my life in the moment.

Accept what is, and work with it, there is so much there then to work with . If I worry or focus on what is not, what I lost, what was broken, stolen, taken, then I am not seeing what is, and I have learned that in one moment someone can throw an arrow through my heart and cause me extreme pain and yet in the very next moment I can pull it out and then find myself in a place of complete love and joy. In just a moment the light can shine down and the darkness can all vanish. This has always given me hope for no matter what came or happened, no matter how hurt I was or how devastating a situation seemed I knew and believed in the very next moment everything that was lost could come back ten fold from out of nowhere and so therefore nothing was ever really lost or for that matter gained...

Its hard to remember sometimes but my lessons have been extreme enough to have taught me deeply enough that its burned into my skin and I am always blessed to have always had people around me in one form or another who remind me and reflect back to me so that I can see.

I have learned to embrace the unknown, as well as face the fear, to love knowing that I may really only have this moment, to create, to love, to share to give to be, and I have learned everything that happens is my teacher and only has been a blessing in its own way. Making me thankful for all I have experienced and learned through that.....

Towards the sun

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:21:45 GMT

Let the sky
Split my heart wide
Let heartbreak
expand in silence
As walls shatter
The sun shines through
What was once locked
is now free to be here

As a cocoon
Wraps around
Traced with burning fire
Round the edges
Lifts me above the sea
Into a millions stars
Where I feel peace
In this space

As I fall the wings
Unfold as the world
Passes me by
Slowly allowing me stay
In a space where
The flowers bloom
Exactly when they
Are meant to

As everything
Is my teacher
And everything
Is a lesson
With each step
And every breath
I open up and listen

So that I may continue
To grow
Towards the sun

9/11 Collective Reality and a House of Cards

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 07:41:58 GMT

9/11 Collective Reality and a House of Cards

I am going to share my experience regarding 9/11. Prior to moving to New York I had recurring visions and dreams about towers burning and falling. At one point a song was created inspired by channeled through that vision. It was titled Fallen. The visions and dreams were so vivid and imprinted and continued to happen over and over to the point that I chose to live on the other side of the bridge. On September 10th something intense happened the entire day I felt a darkness descend i kept hearing souls and seeing a vision over and over. I was attempting to go about my daily life but it weighed heavily on me. On the way home a man who used to walk me home everynight came to me and walked me home. I told him about what I was feeling and seeing and he expressed he knew and explained from his perspective why it was happening then he prayed with me. I went inside unable to sleep, I called a friend told them what I was seeing and feeling, they told me not to worry, everything would be fine . I told them this time something was really not right I could see and feel it.

The next day I saw it, it was no longer a dream or a vision, it was unfolding in reality. This completely altered my perspective of reality , my friend was altered as well. Ever since then it has continued to be with me, and has changed my life. I watch now as the controversy continues to spread on who or why and how it happened I understand why that controversy is there but what happened was planned for a long time, I saw it for years, I don't know exactly how or why but it was there. I never was shown who or the exact time although what I felt right before was so thick you couldn't cut a knife through its energy.

I have continued to try to stay aware, pay attention to dreams and visions for after that experience dreams and visions became messengers. Trusting in them in a world which in many teach and or program us to discount them or we never even dream or have visions.

I feel we are collectively moving into very intense times, not that it hasn't always been intense. With technology comes the capacity for us to communicate faster and spread information quicker. But it also comes with the capacity to manipulate and control in ways that prior to the consolidation of information that is initially feed not only to us but to the entire world. I have watched as a story that was once local has become global, an idea of reality that once could only be spread by mouth can now be spread at the speed of light altering the perception of reality globally.

The swine flu is a wonderful example of how something can be spread at the speed of light to create a energy of fear globally with or without very much behind it based on actually reality. If we were living in little tribes we wouldn't even know about swine flu until we got it. Now through the media you could convince people there will be a huge issue and convince them all to get a vaccine even if there really was no issue or threat. I am not saying that the swine flu has no threat. I am just saying we live in a world in which our collective perspective of reality can be easily manipulated and controlled if we accept all that is spoon feed to us without actually looking into it questioning it as well as looking at it from a spiritual perspective.

Our greatest protector is to be rooted within our own spiritual connection. To do all we can to protect our bodies the earth and each other through awareness and choices based not on what we have been told or sold as our guidelines on how to be healthy happy or free but rather based on information which has been with us since the start and will be with us till the end . I have been deeply saddened and moved by seeing many of those close to me and that I love and are my fellow beings in which I share this life with become ill, or lose vitality and there energy. More so when often it could have been avoided to a large degree. It deeply disturbs me I live in a world in which profit seems to come before truth and or what is loving, kind or healing. Of course there are exceptions to this and there are many and the numbers continue to grow who are changing this one day one choice and one life at a time but when I see what this " American Dream" and system actually do to people in the long run it causes all the fire within to burn.

I feel we are all in this together so of course when I see others suffer, that is connected to me, we are all connected. I do not believe in countries, colors, races, religions or even sexes . I believe we are all spiritual beings all interconnected with the earth, animals and all things . I believe that we are not alone, I do not know the names or how to define , I do not feel it is needed. For the things which cause us or allow us to harm each other and believe we are not all connected and not all really one are things which I hope to see dissolve so that love can penetrate and bring balance and wholeness back into our individual souls and lives as well as the world and all the things within it and beyond. Personally the things that divide us are things which my spirit never seems to be able to embrace although I was taught to believe in them. I am unable...

Its quiet here, but I am awake.. I feel that its important for all of us to be connected to what is within, to our bodies our world and each other, beyond how much money we have, how many cars, houses, toys, titles, degrees, for those things can be useful and have a purpose and are tools, but without a connection to ourselves each other and beyond they can often just be distractions. I have always noticed art music and messages that come through it and into the media the underground the internet. When I see one it always inspires me, for the more of us out there working to change things one by one choice by choice day by the day the more the energy is shifted. I do not feel we are powerless I do not feel it is hopeless I don't feel it is any more dark then light. I feel we can if we all go within and work from our source and use our energy we can collectively work to create balance. But we have to do it collectively, I do not feel one being will be able to save us.. we must all work together ...

Yet human connection is being challenged in ways that are new to us, I know that I want to and crave deep spiritual connections with those I am with, work with, play with, love, friends and family. Sharing a moment when two are present is magic and yet it seems that is something often lacking from our interactions . We have all these screens and wires in front of our hearts, touching each other has so much baggage associated with it and yet touch and exchanging love through human connection is part of our form of communication. Without true deep communication many of us find ourselves feeling sad, alone, depressed, and then balance is lost. Love is a powerful force if unleashed but in order to unleash it I have found I have to unlearn much of what I was taught.

I continue to have hope for us as a collective that we can find ways to bridge the things that keep us separated and grow deeper and richer spiritually which then opens our eyes hearts and minds to see what is real and what is a house of cards.

Homesick

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 19:36:44 GMT

Yesterday my dream stayed with me, mainly because I don't understand the meaning. I was somewhere between land and sea and I knew I was going to have three children at once. I was trying to find a safe place to have them, where they wouldn't have metal clamps around there heads or be shot with god knows what the moment they enter the world. I was looking through a strange forest for a place and for someone to help of course, I knew although I may be able to have them that I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own, I at least needed someone to help cut the chord safely and for me the thought of cutting the umbilical chord seemed to be the realization I had to find a safe place and someone else to assist. Even in the dream it seemed like a challenge, trying to find a safe place and someone to help. I found someone and ended up somewhere, the someone was a nameless faceless creature that didn't exactly seem human and the place was like it was out of a french fairy tale that took place deep in the woods. I woke up before it was all done, the majority of the dream was trying to find a place and assistance . The last time I had a dream about children I had one and I was traveling but the world I was in the dream was one that seemed to be from the future, the world as it is now still has lots of places and if you work at it a bit can be a wonderful place to raise a child but it requires awareness of the often common unseen dangers which can severely harm a child without even knowing it. I have no children, not my own, I am the oldest of four so I felt like I was part mom already, and I used to take care of children when I was younger as one of my first jobs, i worked hard with those children to get them to play outside, make art and tried to keep a balance with the tv versus the other world. Both dreams though I feel are just an inner awareness about our world and our future.

I went for a midnight swim, usually that late at night the amount of people is diminished and I often can find some quiet, but last night was a challenge. I am very blessed that the majority of my life, I eat, live, shop, create, work and play in this world, that is in the so called real world but it is the part that is built and feed off creative energy, spiritual energy, love, and people trying to grow and expand, change things make the world a better place in there own way somehow. If you just lived in my world then the world would look like there was lots of love and hope creativity and that really everything is pretty good. But the world is everything all the time, there is always hope, and always suffering, always love and always hate, always peace and war. We chose what we create in this world and what we feed our energy to but until every single being in the entire planet choses peace over war, forgiveness over revenge, love over hate, acceptance over judgement, the world will continue to contain the chaos and the order, that is visible now. When I lived in NYC and was working as a model, I used to chose to live in areas which were slightly outside of the bubble, I would go slightly further then the other artist into the areas where often at the time I would be one of the first if not the first. So I lived in this extreme contrast I would go out to hundred dollar dinners with people I was working for and come home to a building where six people lived in an apartment the same size of the one I lived alone in. Or when I lived off atlantic avenue and used to go wondering around crown heights by myself at three in the morning. I discovered I could move walk live anywhere, nothing ever happened to me in those places, in all the years of my past midnight city roams the worst thing I have dealt with was vanishing into shadows to avoid someone being a little too friendly. I like walking at night for as everyone sleeps its quiet I can feel the city.

In San Francisco I ended up in one of the nicest parts of the city, its actually been difficult for me in someway around me are all people with BMWs and over priced cute corner stores I am used to Brooklyn a little girt, granted the place I ended up in needed and still needs some work but its not the mission or even east Williamsburg. Its been a transition but all I have to do is take the train or last night go to the pool to feel a shift of energy. I feel energy, which can be a little bit of a challenge, I am not very capable of not feeling it and I chose not to shut off to it. People all have a vibration or energy it can change peoples energy can change it is transformative. My own changes I continue to work with my own, I have lots of it and if not burned, or channeled or grounded it can be a bit like a race car crashing and spinning off the track. I have always been blessed with tons of energy, my mother used to go make me run around the backyard because I couldn't sit still. I have learned with my energy trying to confine it or not use it for creative, spiritual, or other positive outlets it can explode. I have come to learn I can sit still to meditate, in nature to be one with what is, i can be quiet and still and peaceful, but what doesn't work is not creating, growing, learning, giving, moving, loving, sharing. I have to create a lot, its my nature to go against it causes part of me to become very frustrated at first. Like an animal if you take a wild animal thats meant to be free and try to put it in a small box it will fight at first and then eventually if it cannot escape it either copes or sometimes animals become depressed. I have learned the hard way I can be confined to a small space for days as long as I can create something or meditate or even visualize future creations. But energetically I tune into others and or the places that I am which is a challenge.

Last night at the pool the energy was off, the air was thick enough to cut a knife through. I was the only women and stood out like a sore thumb typically at that time there isn't as many people there. It was packed but I really wanted to swim and use the sauna . I went into the ladies dressing room a women was dressing she felt so angry, the dressing room was messy it was as if chaos had taken over . I changed and then went out I can feel people and cameras I dived in, under the water it was quiet but the energy felt tense even under the water I continued to swim till I had done my time. Then I went and climbed into the sauna with all the men. I became so spoiled for years I went to Crunch and still go, but they closed all the Saunas in San Francisco, and I use Saunas all the time because I found I get sick far less often when I use them often. So I found a gym that had decent saunas the only side effect is they are all code and I have yet to see another women in them ever. Typically when I hit the sauna I go to one on a roof top under the buildings with trees and stars and I feel much better there, but no pool there this place has a pool and a nice sauna but its all indoors. Typically I am in there all a moment or two before someone gets the courage to find a way to ask me a question, if I am a model, if I want to get a drink, and so on. I took my book in last night and tried to make it as clear as possible that I really didn't want to be hit on in the sauna its the only downside of a code sauna because I don't mind sharing it, I just don't want to spend all my time talking I usually like to read or just meditate. It was loud, two men were friends were talking about gaining weight and what there women made them. It seems everywhere I go people want to be healthy, and fit, but in this case it was clear a lack of education was one of it not the main problem. If you are educated through the mainstream about health its a bit of a confusing education. Slim fast is not the healthy way to lose weight.

Then the fight broke out, its too be expected with the energy that tense for that long . Two men fighting screaming coming inches from beating each other, that was my cue to leave. The energy at night in some parts of SF is pretty intense even more intense then most parts of New York. Los Angeles has pockets where at night I feel I shouldn't be there alone wondering. San Francisco has those pockets but it changes places that during the day I feel fine in at midnight there are people/spirits something lurking or people who are no longer in control of their bodies. My teller at the bank swims there she said after one its quiet, she also said the parking lot can have issues which in SF means its been a target enough for it to get around. She told me the gym where my passport was stolen was known to have theft issues, I have never in all my years of going to the gym late at night or swimming been robbed but many people have no jobs and so I understand crime often goes up . The parking lot is a bit erie despite all the cameras and its in these moments I really wish I had a big dog, in fact since living in this city I wished I had a dog, because in New York I could walk because there was always something open and someone in the open store . Here everything shuts down and during the week there is nothing really in many places. I would love to go walk in the park at night, but I don't do it here alone, I would if I had a big dog with me, but even in the day when I wonder in the park people pop up out of nowhere .

I have a car but driving at night is not as fun as walking, when I lived in Silverlake I would walk around the lake at night, it always felt safe there, here I can walk up and down the hills at night for no one wants to climb a hill, and it seems the trouble stays in the valleys . So I hike up the hills into the land of really wealthy people, there are lots of trees and flowers up there, but its not like new york where I could walk from uptown to brooklyn at two am and knew which ways to walk that were safe. Here I feel I can only roam so far before I have to turn around and roam in circles. In Los Angeles the beaches and areas like Silverlake, or Santa Monica, or even Venice I can roam easily, here I always feel a little caged. Its just the dynamic of the city that and I don't know many people here, and so in NYC I would walk to a friends or meet a friend to walk, I love walking and talking with people, exploring and sharing while moving;) I suppose I will always be a little home sick. But I also know LA is the next home I will have for sometime. I am just visiting here, a long visit but a visit. Los Angeles is bigger and there are more places to roam, and I feel I can put down roots there. Here I have felt I am just passing through its a temporary thing and so I suppose I haven't put down to many roots. I have more roots friends and other connections in LA, almost as many as NYC, and so I am looking forward to being there. Here I always feel a little bit home sick even though i have learned lots here and grown a good bit ... now I need to go work on my album... till next time....

J

dear diary

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:09:46 GMT

Last week I went to see a chiropractor. He was a large man very kind very warm but this huge man , I told him my brief history its hard for me to really lay it all out I have a habit of trying to make it bite size snippets so I can get through it . With healers I have learned I have to lay it out, even though I would rather not I would rather have kept it all bundled up but that doesn't work because then it just forces its way out energy can't be contained. He went in, on the surface it seems my energy is pretty fluid, I would agree with that, I have worked on it for a while and I can feel when its stuck but I suppose even I had focused on the channels and freeing up the energy around the main points. I had not considered what actually may have been stored in my bones and spine as well as how that was pulling all the muscles I work so hard at trying to keep from hating me .

I ended up there because I have been working with acupressure and acupuncture for awhile and it can really help and remove something quickly but I noticed and so did the people I was working with the muscles just all went right back. Then a friend of mine was kind enough to help me one day when the tightness in my back and neck had caused me to have a headache. He is a bit of a healer and a intuitive and he pointed out how it was because part of my spine and some of my bones were not where they should be or "jacked" . I don't go to "healers" unless they come through trusted sources, because I have had some traumatic experiences with so called healers and because of that I only work with them if they usually come through someone I trust and often not until someone I know well works with them and gives me feedback. So when it comes to letting some big man pick me up and crack me I am not so quick to just allow anyone to do it.

But this person came through a very trusted source and had been tried and proven so I went, and there I was on a table. When he went to work on me though my body had a hard time allowing him in, it locked up a bit even though my mind was trying to tell the body it was ok. Its ok really, you can be here, he isn't going to hurt you. But it triggered something and the places he was going to crack open and release the energy were all places that I knew held it, not from recently but had been holding it and storing it there for a life time. At one point he explained how although he believes in acupuncture and acupressure we live in a violent intense world and often things happen to us with force, trauma, car wrecks, accidents, energies, and it needs a equal force to release it. I never thought of it that way, but it made sense when he explained it. He was a big man and my body seemed to have a response to that, just his size invoked feelings but I stayed there, for I feel the only way out is through.

After the session, I felt my body differently, in a positive way, but then somewhere shortly after on the way home it as with a volcano erupted of energy/emotions. I then wanted to run into the woods out to the sea. As a child when I felt that way I would flee away from all humans into the heart of nature often with my dogs so I could process it now as an adult living in a big city with no dogs I felt trapped. I took my car and went as far as I could get away from people in the city, to the ocean to the edgy where the water meets the sand in the darkness. People were burning fires on the beach, I kept walking, across the dark beach for the ocean is like a mother it provides me with a sense of being held or understood. When I am there or in nature there is room it feels like for this energy to come out, and be released. In cities in buildings all piled up against each other with people I can feel even though I can't see , people who sometimes can be loving and supportive and other times cruel and harmful, but overall the ocean is predictable, people often are not.

Its been a few days, all which have felt different, more alive, more present, more here, maybe more intense. After he worked on me he gave me his feedback on how I stored things deep the things that are locked or jacked are really old and have been there a really long time, and how it will take time not that much time to release and unlock/jack them. He then went on to tell me it may not be easy or so pleasant at first but to try to stick with it and make it through it. I am pretty in touch with energy and my own, and I knew it was in there, but I didn't exactly know how to bring it to the surface. The body mind spirit is fascinating, and what we hold unaware is also fascinating. I understand you have to go though the night to get to the day. I also seek to always continue to grow and be more present. I realize being more present means sometimes being present in suffering or pain, and that for me its better just to be there then to pretend its not there or take the easy way out. I am trying to learn how to deal with the mind/body/spirit when it comes to taking energies that came through trauma or harm to me not from me but from others and find a way to transform it into something beautiful. Many take that energy often unaware and either repeat it becoming the one inflicting the harm on themselves or others.

In our world if we could work this way with being harmed be it rape, war, theft, abuse, rather then simplify turn around and send it back, then I feel it would be a better place. For the only way to stop it is one person at a time. Sadly though many just bury it and then years later find themselves acting it out unconsciously which often leads to some kind of harm . Transforming the energy takes more work then pushing it down . Western medicine typically believes in the covering it up method, rather then to dig into why someone feels, sad, unhappy, hopeless, dark, or broken then simply medicate it . Those feelings often come from somewhere and although i feel some people actually need medication I feel far to many who don't are living half connected lives because of it. Rather then dealing with all of it and all of you they are cutting chunks of themselves out by removing the capacity to feel by altering chemicals in the brain. Its no different then being a coke or heroin addict in my eyes, drugs that alter your perspective or reality alter your perspective or reality. Its ironic to me that they can put someone on 28 types of pills for everything from waking up to sleeping to happiness to feeling calm and there is no side effect. Yet in many states if your caught smoking weed you go to jail much less selling it. Dealing with reality I feel is the only way to actually be human.

More soon I have to go
J

dust

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 06:51:25 GMT

I built this space
But then it enclosed around me
My words unable to
Leave my throat
You never forget the truth
You just get better at lying
Such a true statement
The truth burns holes
Into everything within
Through skin rules
Limits conditions
Without truth there is no love
For love without truth
Without open honest deep
Communication slowly
Crumbels into dust
I have tried to live
My life with truth
I have tried to open the
Door to honest soulful
Deep real truthful communication
For without that
My throat closes
My heart swells
Up against my bones
Holding it in
The longer I hold it in
The less I am able to Breathe
and as I breathe less
Everything shifts
The magic turns into
A memory and I find myself
Lost somewhere in
Another dream
I try to speak
To open to channel
To break through the walls
But all the words
Come back misunderstood
Twisted pushed back
And I then feel like I did
When I unable to
Communicate with those
I love the most
I run out into the city
Feeling confined
Like a wild animal
Around me are millions of eyes
I cannot hide what I feel
For even if I cannot
Communicate truth to others
I know it in myself
I run to the ocean
To the edge of the city
In the dark under the moon and the stars
I long to wrap her around me
For in her I see truth
She reflects back more then
Words can ever explain
I have always felt one with nature
People sometimes I find it easy
Energies connect naturally
Walls fall away
Then that place of divine
Utter beauty and love
Comes forth
A divine union
That goes above and beyond
Religions rules countries and laws
Unexplained and beautiful that way
But when the walls grow
Dense with every word
Misunderstanding
Missed connection
Eventually I feel
As if I no longer belong
That I belong with the
Sky and the sea
The fire and the air
The earth and the stars
Love cannot me confined
Or defined
You cannot build a box around it
Tell it that if it doesn't live in there
Then it will be over or ended
Love is like the wind
It moves it flows
It changes shape and form
But is always there
But you cannot trap it
You cannot contain it
You cannot own it
You cannot keep it
In a little box
For it will vanish into the air
Move as it wills
Over the oceans
Through the walls
If you love someone
They say you set them free
If they return they return
If not then it doesn't mean
The love is gone
It is like the wind
Always there
Sometimes you hear it
Sometimes it sneaks
Silently around you
As I run to the ocean
I long to fade
Back into that place
Where there were no walls
No fear
Just love....

Our Future---- this is for us

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 01:57:10 GMT

I have noticed far to much movement regarding the "swine" flu on all fronts not to address it. In the underworld some say its all about money, others population control, and others still far more sinister. Meanwhile the white house has been sending me emails "advising" me to get a vaccine and the media is apparently at least in the us on the" fear" program. All of it adds up to something not right be it the "swine" flu was genetically engineered to wipe out some of us, or the vaccine is created to not help us really but rather in the long run harm us, or is it just unsafe because if we look at history regarding vaccines and safety we find the often don't go hand in hand.

If you pay attention you see trends you see waves before they hit the shore and I have no idea how hard this one is going to hit but rather then take chances I think its safe to say a wave is coming. Granted we just got hit with another wave millions of lives have been damaged, they have lost homes jobs and there savings all because another group of people could magically lose a trillion or so dollars. We live in a time where we have access to all the information out there but do we look? 80 percent of the population is influenced and often believes the mainstream media, the mainstream media is controlled by corporations some corporations are good and some are not but the news is not for the people by the people and despite all of our technological advancements seeing through the veil actually takes looking beyond what we are shown.

It seems there is a common problem in our world, we cant seem to join forces well enough to actually protect ourselves or create change. Those who can join forces can, and if we don't actually find ways not to continue to divide and separate ourselves from each other we have no voice for we are not a we. Artist I have always felt had the capacity to lead, inspire, teach, and reach the masses but these days the majority of pop stars don't say anything really and when they have or do the mainstream media likes to crucify them. Musical movements became cultural movements but as I look out i see some with a message and purpose and intention and I hope that they us we can find a door to cross over for the underground be as powerful as it is only reaches those who go there in order to really have a fighting chance it must go overground.

If and or when things get difficult that is when community matters most, if we have no community then where do we turn? to our government? to corporations? even if they wanted to help us its not possible . One of the best investments anyone can make is in community, friendships, building networks, and having the capacity to find ways to work together. Be it in times of pandemics or economic shifts.

In order to be in better shape if something does go down I would recommend getting 20 min a day of sun on naked skin , we need the sun to make vitamin D and we need D in order to work properly and many of us don't have enough. Eat lots of fresh organic fruits and veggies, good olis ( coconut, olive) boost the immune with reshi, echinacea, thyme tea, and swallow a clove or so of garlic a day and make sure you get enough sleep and real water. I am laying of the wine and anything else that may dampen my immune with all the travel I have coming up I want to be as healthy as possible so my body is capable of protecting me. I have to protect it, which is something western education seems to miss, we have to protect and love our bodies so they can protect and love us.

Its difficult sometimes to remember that really , I am not my body, I am in my body for now but its not me, yet that doesn't mean you can not love and protect it. I have been very blessed to experience many amazing things within my own spirit/mind/body connection which have taught me that if you work with all amazing things can happen. Balance is vital, finding balance with my lifestyle sometimes proves challenging as it does to all of us, but without balance the seams start to split. Stress or negativity or fear have dramatic effects on our body/soul/mind and despite the capacity for us to adapt it burns energy which could often be used for healing creation love and so on. I have found things often do not go as planed, gigs fall through, people die, love fades, relationships grow apart, and usually I just let things go and move on, let it move through me. I have found myself in situations recently where I can't just move on or let it go, because it keeps coming back and I seem unable to resolve the energy which creates tension rather then peace. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations which seem more difficult then we can handle and for me I often turn to art or writing music or nature in order to find a balance within the chaos.

The world we live in can ripe us away from each other and ourselves, and without a connection within and to each other we become easy prey to the hunters. There are hunters and some are ruthless and have no concern for our life if you have ever had an experience of being raped or seeing someone killed in cold blood it is a lesson to be learned. If we are sleep walking unaware through life disconnected from ourselves and each other what will stop them from turning us all into slaves or worse. We can't change anything if we aren't here...

Being present is vital for our future, the future of our world and for humanity... We will feel love, joy, loss , sorrow, pain, but how can we know without the other if we allowed ourselves to be ok with ourselves , accept ourselves, our emotions, our love and loss, joy and sorrow, and not judge ourselves or others, then maybe being awake and present would be easier. I grew up always feeling not good enough, I always felt like I was never worthy, this lead to suicide attempts amongst other things, but overtime I learned I was fine, I was just human, just me, and I was fine as I was for who I was, and I could continue to grow and become deeper and more connected but that shift in my perspective was the end of a era of always feeling "unworthy".

There are so many programs we are given, from teacher, schools, media, parents lovers, sometimes they don't work, and in that case before turning to drugs, legal or illegal, suicide, or a slow suicide through self destructive treatment maybe we should look at what we believe, look at the program and question if it works for us or not. If its not working maybe trying to alter not yourself but rather your perspective of what you should be...Many are unable to be present because of the pain, often the pain is caused by a program or perspective that isn't even real.

Ever notice how a very young child will stare you directly in the eyes, I often feel them more intensely then I feel most adults although when I encounter someone who is present in body and spirit I always feel both inspired and hopefully , for only when we are present can we love ourselves or anyone else. In order to be balanced and or healthy and able to adapt and deal with our ever shifting reality and not end up prey its vital for us and all humanity for us to be here...

For when we are here it is much easier to see and deal with anything as well as see beyond the veil

We are all in this together and we are all connected, despite our color, class, race or religion... and we may have been taught or programmed to believe otherwise but the lines drawn in the sand were not put there out of love... rather fear and control and it is up to us to erase them.....

Jillian Ann
JillianAnn.com

A photo shoot that turned into a video

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 18:26:26 GMT

ps if your on facebook meet me here;)
xoxoxoxo

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endless halls

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 22:28:14 GMT

Religion is a bit like politics one of those subjects that many walk on egg shells about.
Division doesn't help us, and sadly religion and politics along with our perception of what is right or wrong good or evil often creates walls.
I will admit I have always had an instinct to push those walls. Anytime I find any around me it inspires something within me to push against them.
This of course has left me often reflecting on the purpose and reason behind the walls sometimes we become divided or separated based on
a program a thought line which didn't come from us but rather was given to us. Questioning these conditions has often lead me to
pushing up against those walls.

With both religion and politics at this time in my life, and granted my perspectives alter as I continue to grow, I have come to a place of seeing
both the division and the hope they can bring. But to say anything or anyone is evil or wrong to me is creating a wall which divides us from ourselves
and love. Growing up in christianity I could never fully accept it because they told me everyone who wasn't a christian would go to hell.
That was the wall for me, and I have heard all the arguments read the books understand the "perspective" but if God is all love then how does
sending everyone else to hell make any sense. I grew up in a world of demons and angeles and a list a mile long of laws which when actually attempted
was impossible for me to follow for they simply went against my heart.

Since then despite the fact I feel deeply connected to something, and to the world and humanity, I am unable to put it into a box with four walls and a door.
So I have chosen not too, rather being open to learning and expanding, and allowing life to teach me through but the bliss and the difficult times.
Within relationships I also find many of the same labels boxes and walls, which has become a place that is another challenge for me. For my nature is to
love be loving and open and not so concerned with labels and or rules so to speak. This of course evolved out of years of feeling guilty for xzy
only to realize that guilt didn't come from me but rather from believing what others said I was or should be. Which has brought me to a place of choosing to love
and trying to do it with awareness of others involvement but not allowing pre conceived notions on "love" and how it should "behave" or be
actualized formed from fear.

I have been told for years as a "attractive female" I cannot have deep connections with men, and even women, for its not possible. I am unable to live
my life so cut off from deep connections, and also learned if you place all of your energy onto one person it will usually cause it to implode. I feel we
do best if we have many deep loving connections that involved real depth and affection. I have many deep connections present in my life some female
some male, and I value them all, for each one of them inspires me and teaches me and hopefully its a two way street. Often my close friend and I joke
about how we are just more european then american when it comes to our relationship. I find in america the lack of affection is very unhealthy.
Much of it I feel is fueled by fear rather then love. I feel women should be able to be affectionate without it being a threat and or being perceived as being
"gay" . With men I feel its even worse in this country, if a man tells another man he loves him it often causes them to think its odd, or not common.
The collected projection that a man needs to be so masculine that saying I love you to another man is perceived as "gay" or not manly, just like the whole
men don't cry thing. I really oddly find it inspirational if I see a man actually allow himself to let go and be secure enough with themselves to cry.

I often wonder how many less suicides and people on pharmaceuticals there would be if we were all not given all these programs and rules to live up to in
order to be a good human. Currently I am seeing many people lose so much, as a large part of the american dream is being ripped to pieces.
Its strange because we are in such a position, we as a people it seems has become apathetic to some degree, granted for me personally after seeing
what they do to people who really try to counteract the system and or not support war, the patriot act, or the vanishing of billions of dollars which no one
can seem to explain, I get it on that level, and so really we the people are now at the mercy of those who own us so to speak. With the whole 2012
event around the corner the energies seem to be swirling, and on one side people are stocking seeds and guns and on the other waiting for Jesus
to come back and save us. Being that I really don't know whats going to happen in the next moment much less 2012 . I do know that I could be dead
tomorrow and I have already lived through the matrix bending and my reality shifting dramatically quickly that I am just going to work with whatever comes
my way.

That is all I can do, if I stay focused on what was I cannot work with what is ... but I have never placed much faith in anything other then the moment.
I have noticed recently amongst my travels and conversations, those who invested there energy into things which were tangible be it land, art, music,
or learning the skills to be able to float from one situation to another. Or in personally and spiritual development rather then just 401ks and stocks
are overall doing pretty good at the moment. Those who I have noticed suffering the most, are those who are holding on to what was, rather then
letting go and working to find a way to adapt to what is.

I was forced to adapt, my reality has been so dramatically shifted so many times it has taught me that despite the fact sometimes letting go
is more painful in the instant in the long run it allows the energy to go elsewhere and be used rather then lost into the endless halls....

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Jillian Ann
Jillian@JillianAnn.com
http://www.JillianAnn.com
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Encountered

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 06:01:45 GMT

Moments split
Lost in translation
Time knows no time
Space bends from a distance
Some I feel deep within
Burned somewhere in my soul
When encountered
Face to face
Magic expands
As inspiration breathes
Speaking through
Flesh and bone
Causes hearts
To meet and meld

Then I walk away
Through airports
Cities amongst
Late night starlit
Empty streets
Without words
Flesh and bones
Hearts and eyes
I feel love from deep
Within pouring
From the skies
Into the ground
Below my feet
As if I was still there
Lost in the moment

When time stops
Souls meet
When heaven
Breaks through
All the noise
Distractions
Are seen for what
They are
That is a space
I like to visit
Lost in the moment
In the now
Heart to heart
Heaven to earth
Beating blending
Pouring through
Until I have nothing
Left but Bliss

darts and flags

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:55:47 GMT

This path is sometimes very difficult for me. I wish to someday tell the whole story my whole story, and yet that story is very intense, to the point of being almost unreal.
The story is scattered in a million peices all over the world captured in memories and images. I am the only one who knows the whole story and that story is what brought me here.
I came here because I wanted to be a flag for anyone who was told they would never overcome, survive, make it out alive, or be able to create a beautiful life despite the challenges which come.

There was a point in my life where I knew i could turn around, run and never take a stand or the stage, remain out the position in which I could both be a flag or attacked. As much as at times it was painful to continue despite the encounters with those who see me as "dark", evil, negitive, bad, fallen, rather then seeing that I went through some very intense things which all taught me very important lessons on compassion love and non judgement as well as the lesson that no matter where you have been or what happened you can still create something beautiful and inspire many.

Yet as someone who likes to be open and honest and direct I have yet to find a way to tell the whole story and so it continues to be told in fragmented peices. Yet i know that despite those who through little darts, I will continue to wave the flag, accept the darts and have faith that in the end what will be left is a flag left behind to blow in the wind and shine in the dark. For when I see someone inspired it inspires me to continue.

There are times where I have found myself in situations being judged or cut off , for reasons which are unjust, untrue, or created by fear projected. In those times the part of me which runs deeper then thought feels the energy and allows it to burn through, that being the only way to move beyond it.

I am blessed to have amazing friends, supporters, fans, and fellow artist who have embraced me and support me unconditionally, and who will go to fight for me, and I for them. But it doesn't mean at times the part of me that is a women, child, lover, and wishes for nothing but for us as humanity to understand we are all one, and we are all connected to be saddened when fear overcomes love and creates divison amongst those who are truely connected. This saddness runs deep for I feel below all of the worlds pain is fear and if fear could just be replaced with love and acceptance despite our differences life choices color race or sexuality.

Until then I will contimue to go plant flags where I can and leave behind as much as I can to inspire all I can.. for in the end I cannot take anything with me, I can only leave something behind...

mirror

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 08:13:42 GMT

without the dark
there is no light
without pain
there is no pleasure
without love
there is no life
when I put
myself out
there
reach out my hand
share words
touch
heart
ideas
dreams thoughts
I am aware
that once i
let it go
it is no longer
me but rather
a mirror
and some see me
as the brightest star
and others
as their greatest fear
a sinner a saint
a lover a whore
all these things
are but ripples
in the lake of thoughts
through the twist
of a hand
the movement of
life through energy
passing from
me out there
and then back around
again..
to be understood
is a gift
for more often then not
we are misunderstood
through the mirror
tainted in fear
reflecting back
not what is
but what we are
afraid could be
what is
we often
cannot see
for we are not even
here to see it
too consumed
within to see
outside
to see we
are together
we dance
all of us in the
same room
even if we don't see
each other
blinded by our
thoughts distracted
by the things
which keep us
from reaching
here
without being here
what is the point to being
...
what was
what will be
what can be
is only here
and all else
is reflections
in millions of
mirrors
burned within
our minds....

The Future of Food, GMO, Health, Your Food, Our Choice, Our Future, Your Health, Cancer+ Monsanto

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 18:30:03 GMT

The Future of Food, GMO, Health, Your Food, Our Choice, Our Future, Your Health, Cancer+ Monsanto

First off I don't care how busy you are you have to watch all of this.. its very important for all of us here and then ideally make everyone you know do the same;) then below is my own personal thoughts regarding all this stuff. Or at least what I can fit into a blog that I am trying to keep somewhat short.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food

I grew up eating all American pre packaged fast food, not all the time but enough to know what it did to me. Frozen pizza hot dogs and vegetables that tasted like cardboard. I had no idea why as a kid but I had a feeling there was more to health then I was learning though my culture. This sent me on now a 16 year journey of reading everything and anything I could get my hands on about food, plants, herbs, medicines and drugs, and using myself as my own test baby with many of them. I rapidly learned that often what you see on tv or in print ( an AD ) is nothing more then something trying to convince you to buy something. Being in the modeling industry when I was younger I did work for companies like coke etc and once realizing that their product among with many others aren't going to make people healthy and often lead to the opposite .

Rather most major food companies Kraft, with is Merged with Nestle, Mcdonalads, Safeway, Heinz and so on which most Americans view as a name brand trusted to deliver food and drink to them and there children care about nothing except making lots of money off us. Sadly the ethics of many major food chains have gone down the toilet our food is filled with chemicals preservatives and dyes words we don't understand or hidden in titles like natural flavors. Sodium Nitrate can cause cancer, Monosodium Glutamate aka MSG often causes nausea and headaches among other thing, Food Coloring some has been known to cause thyroid cancer in rats and bladder cancer the list goes on if you look at the back of most food you get out of safeway, walmart, etc you will often see a list of words besides sugar that you don't understand.

My advice is if you don't know what it is don't eat it, this is your body would you have sex with someone you couldn't see didn't know and couldn't say there name. Food enters into your body and effects your mind body and spirit. It can heal you and make you beautiful inside and out or it can add layers and layers of fat filled with toxins making you feel heavy taxing your heart, lungs, kidney, liver etc leading to cancer, diabetes, and eventually often early painful expensive deaths. I personally have watched people die those deaths and watched the body which in America has been severed from our minds give up and give in after years of abuse often unknown to the host that they were slowly killing themselves. Now it seems a month isn't going by without hearing from one person or another in my world they or there loved one have cancer, tumors, growths, and some of these people eat "healthy" by American standards.

There are so many factors on what causes cancer, tumors, and so on, a strong body with a strong immune system can usually keep cancer and tumors viruses bird flu's swine flu's at bay but I recently had my body tested by one of the most cutting edge machines out and what is scary is according to this machine even those of us who are super healthy by American standards fall below where we should be granted for me it may have been the lack of sleep for each night you don't get enough sleep it affects your immune system. I am aware of this and it is one thing I need to work on . But the problem is our world is not what it used to be, we don't even know if we are eating real food or something made in a lab in china. The air we are breathing has chemicals and a million other things in it, what we bath in clean in live in all affect our body and often we are unaware till we get a tumor or cancer then all of the sudden people start trying to be healthy sometime people can reverse the damage and sometimes its too late.

Waiting till your sick to try to be aware of what your doing to your body by how you live and eat is not a good idea. Sadly it is subconsciously encouraged by the many industries who all profit off your unawareness if you don't know your food isn't real isn't good for you and there are other options then you will blindly continue to buy it and support them. If you do not know that your medicine actually in the long run causes more harm them good and you could actually resolve your "medical " condition through changing your lifestyle and diet and what you eat you may chose not to buy it and therefore be a loss the a pharmaceutical companies pocket. If you know that your Tied detergent may make you break out in a chemical rash ( like I have at the moment ) or your soap is what is causing all the zits on your back or the air freshener is actually helping your kid get asthma maybe you would change. But keeping you in the dark only believing the ads is
the point. Burry the truth deep below the surface so the masses don't see it till its too late.

The mergers happening in the land of food are going to cause more problems for us in our future, for our choices will be removed. The already have been without our awareness plants something that was here before monsanto and other major corporations are now being patented which means we no longer have the rights to do as we wish with them. We believe we live in a free country and with each passing day that becomes further and further from the truth. If they control the food and the water they control us. For without food and water we will all die unless we all somehow can master being a breatharian . If you care at all about your future or your children's or their children you have to do something for if we all do nothing the world being "created" for us is not a world in which we will be really cared for. Millions are starving because they lost all
they had to big companies who tricked them basically into a situation where they lost what they had believing they would gain something more. Sadly it seems real ethics
have gone out the window in many major companies like Monsanto . For many of the things they have done I would consider beyond cruel to people who worked hard
there entire lives with far better ethics then Monsanto.

Sadly we live in a world where the one who has the gold seems to win, even if its wrong, even if its messing with humanity and nature. Even if its a slow war on humanity
Due to the amount of merging and lack of diversity its seen everywhere but seems extremely dangerous when major corporations declare war on those who have been
growing our food and providing our water since the start of time. Nature is not meant to be owned, manipulated, altered. Do we really think we are smarter then nature
we are the ones who have thrown this whole world out of balance so much so that if we do not work swiftly to regain our own balance but also help our families the earth
and the world around us to come back into balance the lack of balance will only end in a cancer of the planet.

I became mostly an artist model in one way or another a long time ago, or working for designers I felt good about, makeup etc, because I didn't want to use my energy to
feed that cycle anymore then I already had and or do. I don't want you to buy things I wouldn't eat or drink because I look cool, that's what they do, they hire people to make you think if you eat , drink, or use there product you will be cool. Its a trick, it works apparently, we have a nation of consumers and really high rates of depression and suicide, not to mention cancer, diabetes, and unhappy people.

The programs that have been burned into our brains may not be correct and we have to question and challenge all of them until we can find the other side. If we can remember we have a choice then we do, if we forget because we are dazed by the shiny lights and the pretty faces selling us our poison then we won't .

After years of research I do my best to buy organic, local, fresh food and buy it from the people who grow it or as close as I can get. On the road this becomes difficult and so then I research to find a coop or a place to eat that buys local or even better buys local and grows there own food. When at home I go to the farmers market which if you live in the bay area and your not you need to they rock and the food is SO much better then the stuff you can even get at rainbow or whole foods. I buy it from the farmers, I can taste it smell it before I buy it. I can taste chemically treated food, I can smell it and my body doesn't like it. When in Austin shooting I forgot to tell them I only ate raw organic vegan food I just said raw vegan, I was shooting a bit outside of the city so it wasn't so easy to fix. I decided to eat it for a day and a half and see what happened. In
only a day and a half small bumps showed up on my face the kind that are the body trying to release toxins. When I went to Austin to play I did research and found a place
that had raw organic food, and then in Chicago I did the same in less then three days all the bumps were gone and didn't come back. My body was trying to push out the
chemicals from the food. Much of the worlds "acne" problem isn't just hormones but also the body trying to detox the chemicals in our food, soap, clothing etc. I had the worst skin growing up. So bad agents used to advise drugs for it, which I did, i tried all drugs, soaps, etc nothing worked. When I stopped eating anything not "organic and natural" and stopped using anything on my face and skin that I wouldn't eat ( and hair) except when I was shooting for I have no choice. My skin went from horrible to now i don't wear makeup and everyone says how beautiful it is. It wasn't my body that was the problem it was what I was doing to it that was the problem.

I believe you can live a happy beautiful life without being dragged down by one disorder or the other and you don't have to be a raw vegan that just what I feel is best for me and anyone who can do it. But you have to take control of your life and know what your doing to your body by what you put into it and onto it. One of the most disturbing things in america is that if food is Genetically Modified it is not "labeled" so you don't know if your eating it or if your feeding it to your child . In other countries it is illegal to
not say something is genetically modified and in America a first world country we have no clue what we are eating which is utterly disturbing. Because of this fact I will go out of my way to make sure something is organic and labeled non gmo if it is not then I won't eat it . I will skip a meal eat a apple drink green tea but I wont eat it I don't want to feel it coming out of my skin or messing with my genes.

The movie above is a most see and something everyone should see I don't care what you think you know or don't know watch it and share it because if we don't do something our children may not have real food to eat. As a lover of real food and food that taste amazing I want to do all I can to keep that food alive, which means doing it with my money, putting my money where my mouth is. I will spend the money to support local farmers and those who provide real food, for its important for me for you for our children and planet. Rather then buying something slightly cheaper and supporting the beast thats taking away our rights when it comes to our food and even our body.
Nature can't be owned.

Use your dollar to fight back and your mind to understand what is going on below the surface gloss

Jillian Ann
http://www.JillianAnn.com
http://www.twitter.com/JillianAnn

http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food

Preview of the New iPhone App I made for you

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 22:51:51 GMT

My Garden - New Pictures from Shoots and Touring + other personal things

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 23:10:27 GMT

all photos by Billy Sheahan

Its been a bit since I wrote a entry for my journal. I think of it often like my friends but it gets lost behind trying to keep up with writing, recording, touring, modeling, sleeping, eating, love making, attempting to get to the gym, meditate, and over all stay somewhat balanced . It used to be easier to write, mainly because I was so removed from people, I lived behind my screen in my box with my friends and co creators but it was a cocoon and so I felt more free. I was less concerned about how what I may say may affect my reality and was much more open. I miss that sometimes the days where I said what I wanted with abandon, without worrying about it being in my file or being misunderstood and forever held against me.
But I feel like writing more often and as openly as I can without getting myself in too much trouble.

Performing at the Oregon Country fair was a epic experience, I have sadly had trouble at many of the big shows prior, my mic got unplugged at harmony, then I wasn't patched in to the main mix and so I heard me but the audience didn't which was hard because I worked so hard to have it all just ripped out . It taught me allot and that was last year, I continued to work and try to grow and find ways to work around any problem, and it seems the last run of shows we have done have all been very smooth despite a blown sub or a miscommunication here and there.
But I believe in the method of continuing to try and to grow and work hard, if things go wrong pick myself up dust myself off and do it all over again. The Oregon Country fair is old school I heard some of the stories of how it evolved out of the Merry Pranksters world. We were the first electronic band to be allowed to play the mainstage, it was a big deal because for years there has been a struggle and we were chosen to usher in a new era despite the controversy. It was raining, I posted something on my twitter regarding if they built us a bubble and someone who was at the fair responded " no but there is lots of mud". They were correct we arrived and after taking a good amount of time to get to the mainstage I went wondering around I was very happy to have worn my big black boots which can handle massive mud puddles. The fair felt pretty magical, lots of history, very warm, and there were all types of people there I didn't get to see the whole fair because I had to report back for the show, but I got a taste, in the rain and mud dressed for the stage in all black, watching the naked people roll in the mud and the children dive head first into the puddles of mud.

We performed in the rain, the audience was there in the rain, excited, supportive, very warm, it was one of the most magical shows i have ever played, I felt very connected to the audience, my microphone worked, and magic happened. We played two encores and then had to leave although it was like leaving after a first date with the longing to continue the night deep into the next day .The show ended and people thanked us, the rain continued and then I dived into the world a bit deeper. Many of the people I never get to see except when touring or at festivals were there, the forest was magical and we stayed for a few hours till close to midnight. Then we had to leave to return to the hotel, leaving the safe warm cozy magical forest and returning into the real world was a bit intense, the contrast between how I felt there and then under the bright lights, walmarts, 7 elevens, cop cars pulling over people, concrete and man made reality was hard to take for me. I wanted to stay there in the forest, under the trees, far awayI from the blue lights and the walmarts, the plastic covering where the trees used to be. But I knew i had to go, even though I wanted to stay and just crawl inside the earth and sleep under the trees. Its hard for me I have such a connection to nature that seeing it destroyed often leaves me feeling as if i lost someone i loved dearly.

We were in the city for a day, an explosion due to misunderstandings ripped through my reality and it ate up what little time I had between shows up. Then we left for lake TTahoe, to play another show , tahoe is a quirky place, this big beautiful lake with amazing natural art pieces then hotels, stores, casinos, a mixture of people, from the family types to those who are up all night playing with powder and drinking till words blend into nonsense. I enjoyed my time there, it was quirky, the subs had been blown by the show before us, but we played anyways, after the show people came up and thanked us, I talked to some of the ladies there for awhile after the show about the world we are in now and what and how we can do something to protect, love, heal it and each other. The next day we explored a bit, tried to go to secret cove beach but couldn't find it, and ended up hanging out with our friend there for a bit as well. He invited us to Reno to come see the glitch mob, and I really wanted to go cause steve rocks, but I felt the need to return to continue to work on new tunes and try to balance out a bit before the next shows in austin and chicago.

Returning home, we worked on music, my i phone app, went to the farmers market to get the best food on the planet and am now using the next few days to write a new song and work on starting another before heading out again on tuesday night. I am wishing I could clone myself for I feel very spread thin, not to a point of causing a melt down, but to the point of always feeling there is so much I want to do I just can't do because I can't seem to find enough hours in the day to keep up with everything, oversee everything, write, practice, rehearse, shoot, edit, sing, dance, move, I have so many ideas, visions, dreams and can't channel them as fast as they come and so I feel like I have a garden and I try my best to maintain it but sometimes I come out and a plant died because I didn't nurture it enough.

I am very excited about my iphone app though because i will be able to upload a new picture, or song, journal, video, tour-dates etc, and it will show up right away on your phone, that makes me happy, I want to be able to connect directly with my fans and community and I feel this will be a cool way to do it, and my poor website has been neglected for so long because if it comes to use my time to make art, music, tour, or model, or update my site, its my site that has been sacrificed, and I have slacked on myspace lately using twitter and facebook for the most part because I can do it from my phone and its fast. I am excited to release it and hope people enjoy it I spent a good amount of time putting lots of love and art into it, and hope it can inspire others.
I need to go work on music but will try to write more soon

J
xoxox
JillianAnn.com

Inner Stimulation - New Video I made

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 22:04:45 GMT

me + film + music from punk meditations + tour van + i movie + coffee = Inner Stimulation

cracked heart

Sat, 30 May 2009 02:31:19 GMT

I have this memory its been burned in my head for years.. I was in Union Square, I had gotten a phone call from a man, one I was very much drawn too but at the same time afraid of. I sat there taking in the entire landscape, under the night, part of me wanted to go and dive in, the other part was holding back, sensing something, something that warned me if I dived in, If I let myself get involved I may end up in a place where the sun forgets to shine . I made the choice to risk whatever pain may come from going there even though even prior to getting there I knew I may end up picking up the pieces when it shattered.

I dived in head first, ripped open my walls, opened my heart, mind body and soul, and allowed myself despite my fear to fall in love, to really love someone, regardless of the part of me that didn't trust people, men, or pretty much anyone. After reaching a point where walls had begun to crumble and connects were burned deeper one day as it was storming the words which to me didn't ring of the end, were said. Because i've been on the otherside of abandonment, of not feeling loved, of being left, lied to , betrayed , I had made a pledge in my heart I wouldn't do that, and so then I was alone with my pledge.

I waited, for them to return for a long time, I kept reaching out, because despite what logic would say in my heart the love was still there and to this day I am not very good at not caring, sometimes I care so much and yet am aware either they don't care or I can't do anything and have sadly had to try to figure out how to respond to that. My best girlfriend now shows me how now because of being abandoned I am now afraid of it, and so as open as I am that feeling I had has grown and now ever act of caring, loving, connecting or letting people see "me" takes deep breathes and the cracking of my heart.

Its been cracking alot lately, I was with my best girlfriend and a friend, she started telling a story of someone who did the vanishing act on me and as she told the story, I felt my heart crack, a lump grow in my throat, and my eyes swell. The cracks in my heart I have glued back together sometimes split apart and all that I hold inside comes pouring out. As it happened I felt loved and safe, I felt like I was with people that at least if they were going to vanish would tell me and at least then I could try to make sense of it all. Abandonment is one thing, vanishing without explaining why, is a whole other thing. One that has left insecurities burned into my subconscious, as she pointed out, if I don't hear from her I respond usually wondering what i did wrong. Because whats burned inside of me, so deep that be it true or not its what my heart feels and believes to a degree is that if someone leaves, if someone vanishes, if someone ends our connection its because I did something wrong, or bad or wasn't good enough.

My heart wants to put up walls, and has, and I keep trying to force myself back into the open, and to open it up and tear down the walls, inside my bones and skin often is a struggle, for I don't want to not be able to love, to give, to be open, connected and really fucking care, like family, like lovers, like a child before realizing that people all have different views and some view love and relationships as disposable napkins they use and throw away. I see love and my interactions with people be it through work or friends as the only thing that really matters, which I suppose is why I have the desire sometimes to either cut that part of myself out because it cares to much, or cut off my feelings for people I love, because then if they abandon or vanish or just decide I am unworthy, it hurts, ...

I don't want to have my heart detached i don't want to be numb, I don't want to end up capable of not caring, granted sometimes I cut off my heart and act against its will, its usually painful and right now part of me is having to do that, but I often find myself feeling like a fool, a lost child, at a door knocking and calling out " can't we talk about this" , I find myself returning to people through letters or emails or calls trying to find a space of understanding, for if love a close connection is going to end, I can deal with it so much better if i understand why, if its talked about, if I find some clouser, without that it just feels like someone stuck a fish hook in my heart and is pulling on the string from the otherside..

Sometimes love changes faces, I find that what I give comes back, eventually, sometimes i feel really alone, and isolated, but it seems anytime my heart gets a hole, someone leaves abandons or changes from someone who once was a soulmate, best friend, creative partner, etc leaves someone else eventually comes around that fits into the empty space. Then it just takes the strength and hope to open up and let someone in, even though I know that no matter how much I love someone, no matter how much I care, no matter how much I give, how much I vow forever, they could walk away tomorrow... Now I open the doors, sadly it takes me longer then it used too, I wish it didn't I wish I could be less jaded, more trusting, more open, and I am in many ways, I am incapable of being close to people for awhile and not caring, sometimes I care to the point of distancing myself because i know they won't care and I would just be pouring out my heart into a wall.

Part of me though will pour my heart into a wall hoping eventually to break it down, for once I connect with someone its hard for me just to walk away, and never return....My friends and G are very protective of me I understand why, because its them I call in tears, its them who see me when it hits, I let them see me now, I keep trying to let these walls down, even though part of me wants to put them up. I don't want to end up letting the wolf driven by fear of abandonment, loss, heart ache, betrayal, win over the wolf that is driven by love...
Sometimes I don't know what to do with it, sometimes I can't resolve things, sometimes they won't communicate, sometimes I have to take all of the love that was theirs and pour it into the sky and the earth ....

I want to care, I want to feel love, a love that sometimes overwhelms me, a love I want to share, despite the response, despite how it ends, I don't want to end up like those who no longer live driven by love, but driven by another force, often those other forces consume the space that once belonged to love, leaving them hollow in the end. Everything I have been doing i have been doing through my heart, be it making music, or modeling, my time with people, I have let it crack open, let the walls start to get ripped down hopefully for good and sometimes its far more painful to live with way, because I fucking care, I care about the people I work with, I live with, I see, and sometimes when I see something coming, illness, death, depression, and I try to do something to intervene, but quickly see I can't stop it, unless we work together, it can be hard, but i keep doing it,i keep being ....for someday I hope to be nothing but love,

love is an energy, it is what brings hope, what inspires, what heals, what revives, what makes us aware.... if I love, then I have to think about how what I do will affect you, the world, all those i know and never will know, it creates a desire to love not just my friends, but everything, the planet, the animals, strangers, and yet i live in a world where love seems like a religion thats been all twisted..... its become something attached to one aspect often more then all, love to me is physical, emotional, spiritual, its everything, it is all of my being, and all of my being is connected to everyone else, the world, and everything within and without.

I should be sleeping... but I am flying across the country on a red eye.. sleep is elusive

Die a million deaths - dreams and the swine flu

Mon, 04 May 2009 23:01:10 GMT

On May 4, 2009, at 3:55 PM, Jillian Ann wrote:

I'm feeling fuzzy I only got like 4 hours of sleep, its strange its lights computers noise I can't sleep with them and he can't seem to sleep without them. I cover the LCD lights as much as possible, but last night I started watching " Lost World" and I never watch movies because I get so sucked in, I can't pull myself away I become one with the characters. This one was about native americans, a world and culture I find fascinating I wish I knew more about and at times feel like I would do better there and then, rather then here and now. I recently had a dream I was walking across a great canyon, a big beautiful canyon, but it was as if the earth had changed its shape, and then in the canyon I found a baby white wolf, I picked up the white wolf and wrapped it in clothing which had a big pocket for it, and took it with me and it became a friend. It was such a magical dream the white wolf was so beautiful, I miss having animals around ( I grew up with lots of them) I miss living in a place where I can grow food and lay in the grass, and when I get too far away from nature for too long I start feeling lost. Someday I want to have a house where I can grow food and lay in the grass, and have animals, maybe my own white wolf of sorts I have a very deep affection for animals, and plants, someday I want to live in a place where I don't have to go seek nature and am lucky if I get to it a few times a week but a place where I am in nature. I always feel at home in nature, safe, and animals I tend to usually get along with very well. People on the other hand I often find confusing...

Someday .. Being an artist though I have put my art first for so long, and continue to, yet throughout all of it trying to keep some connection to nature to spirit has been something I have worked on, but it seems everyday it's slipping further away, the busier I am the less time I have to just "be" one with nature and sometimes it makes me feel a bit lost. Last night in my dream I was in Venice , in a boat seeing the entire city, but then someone told me not to touch the water because it had poison in it. As I travel as I see the world sometimes it's shocking to me how removed from nature and self people are. I live in a world which if I never left my world I would think the universe is ok, most the people in my world try or are at least open to thinking about things like how we are all one and connected and that means to our animals and planet not just other americans . My world is pretty beautiful and safe, but sometimes I leave my bubble and dive back into the other worlds, and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it because it just seems unnatural, inhuman, like the twilight zone on a bad trip.

After diving in as deep as I could on the rabbit hole on the swine flu, I have come to believe that like SO many EVENTS in our "media" manipulated world that there is more then meets the eye. For one thing why was the mainstream press completely ignoring and not mentioning all the natural ANTI VIRAL treatments? Why is it all about a vaccine ? and haven't we learned through history ( Bayer + Aids ) that many pharmaceutical companies will go to ANY length including killing people to make millions. I mean History has taught us or are we not paying attention, Tamiflu's stocks sure went up, and apparently US and UK have bought a good amount of this stuff and its been sitting on the shelf, so without a "outbreak" of swine flu the company will lose money. Now the media has proven we will shut schools and utterly panic without much "evidence" for all we know ALL those people who died didn't actually die from the "swine flu" we don't really know , they weren't interviewed they were in the hospital right? and umm they don't interview people in the hospital? Really? Meanwhile laws are passed while everyone is under the trance of the media induced panic.

Ironically Baxter (http://www.naturalnews.com/025760.html) Deerfield, Illinois-based pharmaceutical company Baxter International Inc. was caught shipping live avian flu viruses mixed with vaccine material to medical distributors in 18 countries and that was in MARCH... so wait a second we are supposed to TRUST that a vaccine will keep us from getting ill ? but how is that possible when WE know its a fact that for whatever reason more then once things that make people very sick or kill them have been "accidently" shipped and distributed ( bayer, baxter) Now I like to live in my bubble the one where people actually care about each other and love each other but this stuff turns my stomach.

So what does the future hold? our planet is nicely overpopulated? its seems that a real virus will break out one way or another ( even if they and I don't know who they are ) do it on purpose like lacing vaccines with it. Many of my friends don't get vaccinated and or vaccinate their children and in this day and age I wouldn't either. Baxter the same company that was caught shipping live avian flu viruses mixed with the vaccine is the same people working with the WHO on how to deal with Swine flu? And this isn't something we are hearing about in the news. All of the panic all the vaccines now shipped because of all the panic are still there and so far we haven't all freaked out and run to get something that we don't even know what it is shot in our bodies because we are scared.

The words mandatory vaccine freak me out about as much as having a chip stuck in my body, I like my body the way it is minus electronics or vaccines I didn't make myself from plants herbs and things I know won't actually kill me or make me sicker. Because of the panic and laws recently pushed through many feel a mandatory vaccine will be another phase of this wonderful circus of confusion " http://globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=13466 " now I for one am not going to have ANYONE tell me what to shoot in my body if I want to shoot anything in my body I want to do it because I want to not because someone MADE me. I will get on a plane the moment I hear mandatory anything and go to whatever country is not playing along with the game and work on my music and art their till it blows over . Granted it hasn't happened yet but I can see how most of us would do it, fear makes us do stupid things.

Right when all of this was happening I had been around hundreds of people and in lots of planes one day my throat , lungs and chest got really weird and bad feeling, it took days to go away, but then a friend of mine gave me some medicine, ( american indian based) the medicine has been known to heal many but with some it reacts in a way which has been very intense. When taking very serious herbs plants I feel you must respect them and treat them as medicine, at that point I had been sick for days and was unable to shake it I took two of them and felt it, it was a little intense so I lowered my dosage to one. Within two days I felt completely better, granted I know with other herbs one dose can heal you another can kill you its all about balance. I haven't been sick in so long and so I took a good hard look at my lifestyle in my days of nothing but sleep and rest. I was encouraged to make some changes and so I have, even though they are painful. As much as I love wine, and coffee, those things are off the list for now, because it's not healthy to avoid sleep through caffeine all the time, and sugar, is gone, completely gone, except green apples and a few berries at least for a while. As difficult as this was the first few days ( me = caffeine addict) I have been doing it and have cut my caffeine intake to zero or 1 cup of green tea or matte a day. I realized that my best defense against any illness is balance and because I love extremes the middle path isn't so easy, one cup of coffee becomes three, I can make and break habits quickly. So I am cutting back on things that are acidic because I feel I wouldn't had gotten sick if I hadn't not slept, and used wine, coffee, etc to get through for days..

Its hard I have so much I want to do, and sleeping always feels like I am not getting it done, and yet another part of me longs to lay under the clouds in the grass and download from the other-worlds a million visions. Finding balance in a world that seems so beautiful and heartbreaking all at once is very difficult for me, I feel like a creature from another plant sometimes, I am going to vipassana for a few days I am excited about that it always helps me center myself and reconnect to that space where everything is. I am preparing to finish some tunes then go on a month long tour/shoot covering a good chunk of places which will require me to be healthy and so from now till then I am focusing on finishing my songs and doing some deep cleansing, and healing and trying to find balance in myself, not to beat myself with my own whip to the point of falling down...

Sometimes fear and insecurity and creep in and be the master with the whip always beating on me saying I am not good enough it's not good enough and although I am much further away then I used to be, its still there a program I am still deprogramming, ... being in a place with nothing and no one sometimes helps me remember I will exists with or without stages, songs, the sales of records, touring, shoots, .. sometimes in all the shows, songs, shoots, and constant buzz I get caught up in that world where my master is a program in my head, not my spirit.. the earth nature, silence and some people remind me it's not..

I feel before one may be reborn they may die, I am letting somethings die so there is room for others to live...

j

glass castle

Sun, 03 May 2009 01:20:17 GMT

photo by nikki sixx

I live in my glass castle

My feelings safely frozen
behind the glass
Under the wires
Kept from breaking through
The screen
Into songs I pour
All the things
I long to say
That stay
locked in the glass castle
Its lonely
when you speak
but they don't understand
when you cry
and they can't relate
when you want to break
out of the glass castle
but your hands are tied

Someday
I am going to shatter this
Break it into a million pieces
Rip off the gag
tear off the ropes
Be free again
Someday
I'll destroy the castle
with all the things
I am not allowed to say
Till then
I stay in my glass castle
and the only ones who know me
are the ones who
can see me
behind the glass
and under the water
past the surface
and projections
but they don't live
in the glass castle
they live outside
in a world
without guards
to manage
there very words

I visit them sometimes
I always feel free
as if they knew me
for a thousand years
No glass
no walls
no barriers
no guards
keeping me safe

Someday I am going to
destroy my glass castle
for its become a cage
Shatter it into a million pieces
and only then will I be free
If I can remember who I am
who I was
Then again
Sometimes I feel like
I am seventeen all over again
About to run away
To just leave everything
I was
Leave everything
and go
follow the spirit
the muse
for I can't hear them
I can't hear them in the castle
The walls are keeping them out
Too much noise
Not enough silence
Not enough space
The chord
Feels disconnected

Outside
I seek to find silence
roaming in the night
but people are everywhere
noise
wires
walls
I am starting to feel
Lost
In my glass castle
Built out of dreams
as they always are
But sometimes dreams
have a way of changing

I claw at the walls
they cut my hands
I scream at guards
But I still can't get out
After awhile
its too hard to fight
So I just accept
This is it
and write songs
in my glass castle
about other times
and other places

But someday
I will escape
my glass castle

burning

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 08:24:33 GMT

In these moments
I want to curl up
under the stars
By the sea
unplugged
free

But rather
I am chained
to boxes
to wires
to things I can't see
pulling me
to peices

In these moments
I want to go back
to a time
before
when all I had to do
was play music
make art
and spend half my day
with nature

I am burning
not out
just burning
longing
hoping
if I get to the end
if i can just keep
going
keep burning
someday
I will be back
there

until then
I am here