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then i went and had some alone time with my connection to heaven...
then i wrote a lulleby...it is beautiful deep simple complex all at once...
time faded in my headphones i thought of all those who cant sleep.. all the lonely all the broken all the children who have parents who ignore them all the adults who are stressed beyond the ability to relax...without drugs and medication..and i try to write things for lullebyes that can calm the most savage and wound up beast....music is powerful....
then i was feeling sick..my body seems to have made a new rule with me.. nothing but fruit veggies and nuts...
anything else makes me feel sick... so i cant have anything else cause i dont want to be sick...
then i went and worshiped the beautiful bathroom floor... cause when i feel sick from food... it wont go away till the food goes away.. i detoxed and now my bodys super sensitive... and so i cant have anything... if i do it is making me ill... so i will stick to my veggies and nuts
then i went back to music... and then it was into the bathtube... eating a salad... i love baths...very ..very much i love the water i love being naked i love watching my skin wrinkle up.. i love making bubbles i love the faucet...:) then i was getting ready-- the phone kept ringing i was late.. blasting music full volume.. then out the door to the cold...
on the phone calling my babies... checking in checking up saying i love you... then i was in the subway i meditated.. i feel whole alive good.. the people around look so zombified so dead so sad so worn out.. there faces are dull there eyes are dull there bodies are lifeless and heavy... they look heavy it feels heavy.... then i was in the 14 station... plastering stickers ...ahh ... i am getting bold.. i am waiting for the day the men in blue yell at me...then i was waiting for the path train.. i see cops... i wonder did they see me i walk and sit half behind a pole....read a book wait for the train.. on the train old men look at me.. the women ride closed eyes.. two black ladies talk about the weather i stare at there shoes i stare at the socks i stare at the lights i stare at the walls.. i stare and i feel the feelings all around me like swiming in emotions.. everyone else i feel myself.. buzzing bubble of energy... then i get out of the train memories of dawwn and me flood my head... our conversations... memories of brian and i come up behind we were riding the train and i asked him if he believed in God... i could tell it made him uncomfortable... its funny how people can talk about everything else.. but the word God makes people uncomfortable...
how he looked like someone had just hit a nerve....and how i just let it pass... when he is ready he will open those doors... i wont hide what i believe... i will be open... but i know i cant change people... i cant make them open.. i cant do shit... i can just love them
then i get off and i was walking and i remember the nights i stayed there waiting.. with rope marks... i remember dinner with little krissy.. i have picture perfect memories which are good and haunt me at the same time....there she was she was waiting.. she was beautiful in a strange way..
http://www.tiamodel.com/
she is a model photographer
soon we were talking love.. sex...women...men...the industry...God...religion...spirituality.
then i looked at her i want to shoot in the shower....so i put on lace underware and a white shirt....and then i was soaking wet..... and i loved the warm water.. and i felt h,mmmmmm very sexy.....very free... and the pictures show it......
then it was over... and it was time to leave... the high was done.. the energy exchange the charged creative and sexual energy died... the high crashed....
then i was alone in the train
no one there.. part of me wanted to get drunk.. to fall asleep... in the arms of a beautiful girl.. but for all the wrong reasons... out of the not wanting to go home alone.. out of the attraction to a new energy... a new drug... and i cant do that to her or to me...but when i was alone in the train...sitting across from a homeles man and a bussiness man both looking sad and depressed staring at there shoes... i felt lonely... i felt the come down.. i felt sad... then i thought of how everything had been so open till i said something about how the world was going to be hell by 2050,........to the other photographer there... when we talked about the things that are happening... bush sucks he said and that had opened up a whole conversation....and how she reacted like most people...
I dont want to hear about it... I dont care...
its true most people think that the whole global warming...one world government...new world order....micro chip...big brother...and all the other stories and signs of the end of the world in the way we know it are all nothing more then old wives tales...and conspiricy theories...most people want to believe that everything will remain as it is and there is no spiritual world.. and no spiritual war going on... being someone who likes to deconstruct and take things apart... i started noticing when i was a kid that the things in revelations was starting to take place... so began to study and observe the world.. and then compare it too the notes written by the dead messagers and prophets... and granted it may not be in the next 50 years but it is happening.. the prophets predicted stuff happening.. and the bible predicts more things... and they are in the works...they are in the stages of development.. it is only a matter of time...how long.. who knows... but guess what no one listens to me anyways and no one cares as long as they get there big mac and there latte....
i sat there and i thought about how this makes me feel... like an alien... like a freak... so if knew that something was going to happen... and i tried to warn people.. then they hate me or call me insane... then it happens... but its usually to late then,....grrrrrrrrr...so i felt sad... down...and i curled up in the corner of the train and connected to my light and let it fill me up inside...no i wont give up... i just wish people would stop not even thinking about it as a possibility... be a little more open minded to the concept that maybe this stuff is real and maybe we are just ignoring it cause it makes us uncomfortable....
but whatever... then i was in a cab and i snapped out of it all and was enjoying the view of the city
the view of the towers
the view of the bridge
then view of my door
the vies of my room
the view of veggies
then the view of tons of email
and now i have to go night night
loves
January 21 2004, 09:27:42 UTC 8 years ago
Not that you should stop. Feel free to do it at much as you can stand and by all means don't keep it to yourself! ;Þ
Then you got all hot over another model (cute, by the way, but to me just another pretty face) but screwed it up by talking about Armageddon? Sounds like you're the one with the problem seeing reality to me, but then I'm one of those who has not yet opened "those doors". No, you're not strange for believing the world is under the thrawl of evil and that it will end in a horrible catastrophe soon; so does Bush and most of the Christian and Muslim world. Why do you think they are so dead set upon wars and control? Because they are sure they're already on the side of 'good'. No, you're not strange at all; still, I pity you. I don't see the future like that nor do I see it as an eternal grey purgatory. I see us going to Mars and beyond and creating beauty unimaginable. I don't see God though yet I don't feel guilty or alone or sad because of it. Why do insist that everyone outside your world must somehow be in pain yet you are the one hurting? Can't you see you are the one who is being divided by your need for a Higher Power? Why can't you just take what is given by those around you and let that be enough? You don't need a god to create, to feel good about yourself, to love. I have never felt that need and I am happy, even in this chair. Even after thirteen years of being in this chair. People often ask me how I can be so strong after becoming paralyzed but they never seem to get it when I tell them I JUST AM. Somehow, they almost always bring up God like they expect me to say, "oh, yeah, Him too". But no, my dear, I JUST AM. What about that is so hard to believe or accept? Next time you are feeling that wonderful energy next to a guy or a girl, I hope you can forget for a night that you were born in original sin and that your world is going to end in pain. I think you might worry about it less. Until next time, Peace.
January 21 2004, 17:38:58 UTC 8 years ago
RE
Listen to roger.January 21 2004, 11:48:43 UTC 8 years ago
You definately remind me of her. :)
Yes, that's a good thing!
January 21 2004, 13:29:21 UTC 8 years ago
Tiana
I like here photography...good stuff.here is something you might like that I created with a fashion team.
http://www.eugenetrunzo.com/images/fash
Anything to piss off the right wing and middle class America..I'm all for it.
January 22 2004, 09:56:54 UTC 8 years ago
The whole vicious circle, they hate you, you hate them, no wonder the human race is going nowhere fast. Accept it, they are part of life!
January 21 2004, 18:34:13 UTC 8 years ago
Sometimes...it's as though people become so leftist- that they are Right again.
All of us that want to have love in our hearts, need to be careful of becoming exactly what it is that we hate.
NOT every one that doesn't have the bible is hurting,
and not everyone that doesn't have the bible doesn't believe the world is in chaos. I think that's pretty evident.
I see that you want to help people- but you need to start with those people, not try to show them that only god will make them better.
God is a very personal thing- you yourself admit to having taken a very long long time finding yours. who's to say that it will not change again. you should be more sensitve to everyone elses journey to find thier "god".- some people that are still wicca, or born again, or agnostic or hindi, believe- as purely and wholly as you that THEY are correct. I can say, I've seen lives change through buddha- full of love and hope- and funny I've never seen one start a war. It is WHEN we try and FORCE others to jesus, and tell them that they are WRONG without him- when we evoke anger, not love.
ALso- I'm not sure I understand why- if you want to really REACH people- like you say you do- and want them to see the light that you do- why pissing them off, is a good thing. True- anger will stir the pot, but it's a blind emotion. and doesn't do a lot of good to open peoples eyes and ears. what is it you want to do? It's True about the hipocracy in the world, indeed, But I think all to often people act out their own issues, and missions in the name of jesus christ- when god has nothing to do with it.
see you sunday sweetpea ;-)
xoxo
January 21 2004, 19:38:10 UTC 8 years ago
January 22 2004, 03:42:03 UTC 8 years ago
January 22 2004, 10:37:16 UTC 8 years ago
lets get the fact down...
1. I dont agree with or support orginized religion2. War is caused by fear and greed and other things, they will use Gods name in vain to munipulate the people who are not awake enough to see the truth
3. I dont think bush is very christian or christ like, I dont agree with the majority of those who say they are chrisitans ,
4. God... is no something we can put in a box... or understand... if we look for God we will find God ... there are many ways to look... and anyway is fine...
5. I do not think the world is all evil and dark and so on... I am just trying to be a awake...and sciene..is where the majority of the facts are coming from... other countries know...they say we are killing the planet...and killing ourselves... only in america will we smile and say everything is ok....its not.....being aware we are harming the world... is the first step to changing it...
6. None of the things I believe are new....I have always had them....I just never shared them....because people really freak out.....I can talk about budda all day long and no one blinks and eye... I can call God light all day long and no one cares.... but if i used the word God... or Jesus all of the sudden people are reacting very much so....whats up with this? why cant I believe? why cant I talk about it? did I say you are all going to hell? did I judge you? did I tell you that your bad? no I said.....Jesus taught...to love...to heal and to free the people from being opressed? the church fucked it up... the people fucked it up... no one even gives it a chance because of that? God said simple...believe.... the church said no you have to do these 101 things....God said I am everywhere...the church said.. no god is in church... God said I love you no matter what... the church or religion said....no....you have to do this or that....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i dont want to offened you....
but its my journal......
why cant i speak of these things without being torn to peices? why must you try to make it completly so BAD.... how could it be bad? in its pure form it is nothing but love and acceptence...
why does it upset you? what makes you so disturbed? is it Jeusus direct teachings? or was it the preachers and teacher that told you that you were bad and going to hell? was it those who on tv went around praising god and killing the innocent? was it the hypocrisy? was it the fact they made you feel not good enough? what is it? and why? does it hit such a nerve?
understand....some of us like to do lots of drugs and get stoned and have lots of sex
but then there are others who are obsessed with being good.......and putting others down.....its a power game..the sad story of this is that....the power game has destroyed the message......
and i drove me out into the dark .......and i like the dark.....but in the dark i learned...there was more......and all that crap all the guilt was bullshit.....
so this is the end
i am done
for i see it is pointless to share my views.............believe what you want......dont believe anything at all.......
i will believe what i want......
and time will be the only way for the ansewers to if any of this is true or not to tell
the truth always will come out..........but till then again
i am finished
i will talk about world events
and other people
and dogs
and music
and anything but the soul and God
for i see
that nothing i say will get past the mind screaming
lies
January 22 2004, 18:27:54 UTC 8 years ago
Re: lets get the fact down... Please Don't
N0000000000000!Share your views on religion and God! Pleeeeeeeeeease!
This is important. It is you, it is your journal. That's who you are.
I don't agree on some things you said and I agree on others.
The point is, you're a whole. How am i supposed to know you if i can't read the real you?
Believe it or not but this LJ taught me a lot about you (along with your past journals)
when designing the flash site. Without your thoughts I couldn't have make something as great
as it is.
I tried to put some religion in this site because i 'read' you.
That's why it worked, this LJ is you, your music is you and the Flash site is you.
If you don't share these thoughts on religion and God, I don't see how am i supposed to make
the website looks like you. I want it to be a reflection of your soul. Without missing any bit of
information. Remember that I have to make another [big] update for the forthcoming album.
I want it to be better than the actual site. I want it to help you selling more CD's and spreading your
music and words. Hence I need to read you as a whole.
These posts against your belief make you strong and are intended to strenghten your faith.
Not to tear it into pieces.
Just keep in mind that you never learn from people who always agree with you.
Cherish your enemies. They will make you strong.
I don't mean you have to sing a duet song with Bush (although it could be fun... nah!)
Do as you like. You're the boss of you after all.
And French people are not always drunk lol
they smoke pot too ;)
don't have to post this in LJ. I just wanted you to know that (you reply faster to LJ comments than emails )
You may be one of the most interesting christian I've ever read. Keep up the holy work.
J.:.D who believes in you (and Sage, I listened to his music, the man is brilliant!)
January 23 2004, 12:54:01 UTC 8 years ago
Just remember Jillian that when you make yourself a messenger of God (which you have by talking about him through your journal and your exsperince's) and the closer you grow to him, Satan is going to pull at you even harder. He wants you to feel like you messed up by writing what you did. Your opening a discussion about God and people are responding. That is the last thing satan wants. There are days when you are weak and lead by temptation and we all witness it because you lay your life out for us all to see. But at the same time what I personally witness is how fast you bounce back to Love and God. You know you have lots and lots of followers and you are setting an example. You are showing them that NO life isn't always perfect ...I can claim to be good but still F*** up. It's that way for everyone. You know somedays I read your stuff and it's dark and gloomy and sad and I think oh great she's is going to be defeated this time. But you always prove us wrong!! SO don't let satan defeat you this time by making you feel you shouldn't write anymore. You yourself know what a powerful voice you have , bounce back! I hope we can talk more when David and I come to NY!
Jessie