Last night I found myself feeling pretty emo, then I looked at my calendar its amazing how much as a women I feel these constant changes in my body, I suppose it is the power to co create life, but yet with the intensity to create life I also feel things with an equal intensity. About half a month that intensity increases, which is half my life basically and over the years I have come to embrace it understand it and try to communicate to others about it for I have found that without communication and awareness not only within oneself but with those around us misunderstandings develop walls which keep us apart.

During these times I often find myself pulled deeper, out of the surface and through the layers. They remind me of whats important and why I do this, and its not for money if I wanted to make money I would have followed the path some advised me to follow and use the intelligence I had to do something in some other way with some security with some steady pay check with some kind of constant. But ever since I was old enough to remember I knew I had to be here doing this, for reasons I don't really understand. It used to freak me out, for years I would find myself in situations that completely challenged my ego, usually the situation was I was running out, all my resources were running out, I only had this thing pulling on me inside out and yet on the outside when I looked around my world I didn't see a way through or how.

This happened over and over, often forcing me into corners, sometimes these corners seemed really hopeless and dark. I would be stripped so to speak of whatever I was clinging to, and then I had a choice to make, I could try to hold on to what was, I could freak out because I didn't see how I was going to finish music, fund music, eat, or survive, I could give up and run away, and usually I would push myself through, often in tears, facing fears, facing the reality that if I looked toward the world for my support if I looked to the typical system I found often that despite the fact I had people within it who believed in me, who supported me , doors would shut as often as they would open.

But somewhere through all the rejection, all the doors slammed, all the shit that happened to me, all the things I lost, everything that was ripped or stripped away. Be it in love, with friends, death, deals, partners, musical projects, I started to see a pattern emerge if I could see through the clouds. The more I focused on this ray of light invisible to the eye often during the storm the more I started to see everything happens exactly as it should, and no matter how painful, how much loss, how hopeless it got if I could just keep my heart attached to that small string linked back to the light and love that provides me all I need even if I can't see it and it seems I have lost all and have nothing then I know eventually it will all work out. I just have to trust in something I can't see.

Right now I have been in that state for sometime, Recently accepting and embracing the largest and most dramatic loss in ways yet, leaving me in a situation with a blank page very little resources and my community and friends. There has been moments where if I look at things from a perspective removing my ray of light from the clouds, it is enough to sink me and all my dreams into a pool of hopelessness, for the dreams I had, all I had poured every ounce of myself into were lost and I had to start over, and granted this is not the first time, in fact this is so many times of starting over that if I count it could look pretty hopeless, if i looked at all the loss over the last few years it would be enough to drowned me . I've had to let go of so much, and yet each time I let go and place faith in the unseen, and allow open up , the blank page is filled and often through the process I grow and find myself more at peace with loss and letting go.

It's not easy, and where I am now is not easy, but I have never seen such support love and help brought in through people who weren't even in my life before, and some who were in such a way that I see love in action in a way that gives me faith in humanity and inspires me to continue on, even though I have no idea often how it's going to work out. I empty my bank account to create music, in world where its said people won't buy it, but yet I can't not do it, I am at the point where I will give all I am and all I have to finishing the work ahead and if it means letting go of some comforts I am used to, then so be it, if it means investing everything I have and working all the time around the clock to bring it together , I will , and at the end of the day if I died today I would be happy, for I feel that even though it makes no sense to some, and i leave nothing behind but these little creations I will die in peace .

For I feel as artist it is our calling so to speak to leave beauty behind, to burn holes in the darkness, to challenge the system, and to love through the act of creation and allow that love to counteract the greed, the violence, the darkness that is there and without the balance where it is dark if we don't find a way to burn a channel into the world so that these creations can reach those on at the end of the rope, in the darkness of hopelessness then the balance will be lost.....

There is lots of shit going on in the world, lots of people suffering, starving, dying, hopeless, broken, and sometimes one song, one picture, one glance of beauty and love captured and transfered through the blackness is all someone needs to feel the connection to be inspired to feel peace.

When I see know find those who aware of it or not do that, create that and or provide that, I would cut off my left arm to support them, for I guess for me my motherly instincts being I have no children have become focused on trying to do whatever I can to nurture my community, other artist, through the internet, words, writings, and my actions, for I feel that through our creativity, through our connections, through our unity we may be able to do something, to counteract all the things others are doing that are not of love or truth, but deception, greed, use and abuse.

I also view it as we are all one body, and so if you are a finger and your hurt, I feel it, and if one falls I can't walk I want to do whatever I can to help them get up. For I believe we are all in this together.

When I was a kid I dedicated my life to serve something, I had no idea what that was or where it would lead me, but it has lead me here, and whenever I feel its too much, or its hopeless or it doesn't make sense or "I" have no idea how to make it work, I have to get the "I" out of the way, and remember the bigger picture, and the work at hand. Focus on what I have, what has been given, and accept whatever is lost happened for some reason I may not understand now, but I have faith it will all work out eventually and that even if all I can see are storms and clouds behind them is the sun which will come back and all the darkness shall fade into a beautiful light.

Transform the dark into light, pain into beauty, and loss into hope

hello shadows
how are you today
I see you have come to visit me
as I sit under the moon
with the great sky before me
black and empty yet
with each star shine a ray of light
and my hands are empty
I am letting go of everything
to follow a dream
and here you have come
to take me deep
into all I love
and all I fear
I sit here under the stars
feeling a little lost
but far more found
then I did before
with each breath of wind
I find my heart expanding
with each step into this
great unknown
as I allow myself to go
with what comes
and let go of all that was
you have come to remind me
of where I have been
the places I have traveled
the faces I have seen
the terror I've face
the heartbreak the death
of dreams the loss of things
the rise and fall
the creation and destruction
the death and rebirth
I lay my head down
swollowed by the sounds
it is all I still carry
like a mother the songs
have become my family
and as a mother
I have chosen to give up
everything else to protect
and do what I can
to bring them into this world
and let them grow
to become what they may
under the stars I sit
and connect with the heavens and earth
they are my home the only one I have ever known
for as long as there are stars in the sky
as long as I see those pretty lights
shine in the black night
I have a home the rest
has been and seems to always
be unknown
once upon a time
I sat under the same stars
in the same place
almost the same story
for the same reasons
and the same sky
reminds me that although
the shadows will always be
right next to me so are the stars
and so I will continue to carry on
into the unknown

Sometimes this happens, if I don't write this, it will keep me up all night although I should be sleeping.
Its funny ignorance is bliss, unawareness , denial, the capacity to walk around with your eyes shut may
Provide a quiet lull until the house you lived in is gone. I feel often my eyes were stapled open, my friends
often worry and ask me to rest, of course that seems like a nice idea but when I rest I only remember
all I can or could do and the fact I am only here once for sure and every moment I dont use is one that could
have been used.

At dinner the conversation went into the deep waters it often does and despite the fact it is LA it seems
the awareness that we are in a situation and when I say we I mean the human race that floating down
the river aimlessly and while sleeping will not end well. Yet what decides who lives who dies who eats
and who starves on a global level has nothing to do with ethics or morality much less religion but rather
who will profit at the end. The effects of this are visible if you look but many of us dont look we are too busy
Watching some reality show or caught up in some drama that has nothing to do with our lives. The media
is a powerful tool, and as an artist its one that I have a love hate relationship with. For it seems the messages
I get if I turn to the mainstream only become more and more superficial and shallow, I keep seeking
Messengers and all I get is people trying to sell me something, be it a life style or a perfume. I get it though
as an artist eating is nice, but isn't there a way to find that balance.

If you stay in the underground you "may" make a living, not a huge one but you can eat, if you become
king of the underground then you can eat more, but then how do you reach the masses if you're living underground.
The system, is global it works in ways, I can go to bali and find american music and movies, not independents
not the underground kings but whatever the system or gate keepers opened the gate for. It leaves me sitting here
wondering how can we reach them, without going through, and if we go through how can we not become
watered down and or torn apart for saying things which we want to say. There were those who said what they wanted to
but its been a moment since I have seen a rage, or even a nin for the matter come through the pipe line.
Then in the underground or the crossing over or the doing well but not U2 level I see lots of talent lots of potential
hope, be it because of artist who are saying something, or promoters who actually are trying not only
to connect artist with people but also education and empower the people while trying not to kill the planet.
That gives me hope, that something can be born from all the energy, but it's not fluffy, its not about just love and peace
and being green. We aren't going to get anywhere without doing it and actually fighting for it, I am not into the denial
thing..... love is good, peace is good being green is good, but what is it? what does it mean cause now we have
lots of people who see green = money and so now even if its "green" doesn't actually mean its green.

The underground or independents have to find a way to actually work together and build something as a
culture or community , its happened before, and I see it in pockets again, but it's a mentality, its not what has been
Taught by the standard media and it's not what many are doing in LA. There are many here playing some sort of game
but the goal isn't building or creating anything its about if I sleep with him I will get x if I date her I will get x, if I get
this then I will get that. No real bigger vision, no butterfly effect connection, it's a zombie chess game and granted
as an artist I am always meeting people and networking, but whenever I meet people often my head starts seeking
Through my files thinking about how if I interconnect them with this or that person ahh it can open this or that up.
Of course I always look at how could we create, or work together, or support or co create, but thats where my head is at.
It always has been, I like to make art, I like to nurture things and since I don't have kids my art and community and friends
get the overflow.

I like to build things, connect people and see things blossom out of it, be it a song or connecting two people.
I feel like we all have to work like that and let go of whatever fear and or insecurity we have because really
none of us are the same and none of us will make the same art, festival, party, song, or movie, anymore then we
look the same... Not to be cheesy but we are all unique and have something different to bring to the table
and we can either work together and build a really dope thing or we can waste our time and energy blowing
each others sand castles up, and end up empty handed.

Los Angeles is the city which now controls the worlds media, It influences more people then almost anything else
Including religion, I would dare to say what comes out of here has more influence in some way on the youth. That being
said this is ground zero. If we want to do anything as artist we have to go to the heart and start there. If we waste our time
Getting sucked into the traps here with are like quicksand sinking and doing nothing is easier then actually doing something.

Morning Bell
(RadioHead)

The morning bell
The morning bell
Light another candle and
Release me
Release me

You can keep the furniture
A bump on the head
Howling down the chimney
Release me
Release me
Please
Release me
Release me

Where'd you park the car
Where'd you park the car
Clothes are on the lawn with the furniture
Now I might as well
I might as well

Sleepy jack the fire drill
Round and round and round

Cut the kids in half
Cut the kids in half
Cut the kids in half

I wanted to tell you but you never listened
You never understand
I wanted to tell you but you never listened
You never understand
Cos I'm walking walking walking...

The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a
The lights are on but nobody's home
Everybody wants to be a slave
Walking walking walking...

The lights are on but nobody's at home
Everybody wants to be a
Everyone wants to be a friend
Nobody wants to be a slave
Walking walking walking...

The holidays often tend to be a time for me to reflect maybe because since I left home its been one of the few times when the industry sleeps at least more then usual and many go home often leaving me a bit more space then usual.

I enjoy this space, silence, solitude, nature, walking in the canyon, connecting to the divine being filled to the point of bursting and reminded of things which bring tears out of love to my eyes. Places which have always been there and are always there places where nothing matters, nothing can touch me, nothing can take away the joy and love that is.

Of course the challenge is not to be able to connect in solitude, in nature or in settings which plugging in seems to come without even trying but to stay that way all the time in a world which can sometimes challenge that connection in one way or another. What amazes me is I see things have dreams years before and then one day sometimes a decade later I end up there and its one of those experiences that leaves me without words and yet sometimes its those dreams and visions that keep me putting one foot in front of the other.

For many out there these are difficult times for one reason or another, and I know if I didn't have my connection and dreams and visions there have been times and places which would have been very difficult to walk through. Which is why I feel is so vital to have dreams, visions, and stay as connected as possible through the soul, granted there are many ways to do it, to each their own for really the rest of this is like water, it flows moves changes at the speed of light and we cannot hold onto it....

Over the years the dreams remain the same for me, but how it happens and who I share them with is something I learned I have to not hold onto . There were times when for one reason or another someone I was sharing a dream with was no longer there, or I couldn't stay there without it actually killing me or the dream spiritually or otherwise and in those situations it involved having faith in the unseen the unknown and letting go of everything and finding myself in a space where all I had was a dream and a connection.

This has happened to me so many times now and each time with a greater intensity it has taught me that the more I just open up and let go the more room there is for growth. I have embraced loss as much as gain, and suffering as much as bliss for I learned that they all only teach and expand and to try to not embrace them only leads to a slow death for what is , is and to deny it is to cut a part of yourself off.

Granted this doesn't make it easy, it doesn't mean you wont find me crying , if you know me well enough there may have been a time you have seen it, but crying or working through something is needed in order to remain here...

Yesterday I got a suicide notice, its the second one in three months, from people I know in the industry. I did what I usually do which is all I can to prevent and that usually means sending others over including those who could actually drag someone to a hospital and hook them up to machines. Both times they failed, and yet I get it, its dark out there and if you just stare in the dark it can make you feel that way and I get it...

But there is always hope and always love out there, we have to chose what we believe in what we do and what we feed, we may not have the lover, house, cars, money, power, fame, or even a home or a job at the moment. But we have tomorrow and tomorrow is whatever we make it, and whatever was happened to teach us bring us show us something. I've had everything in a worldly sense and I have lost it all too, Be it with my work, love life, or regarding money and things I owned, I am kinda used to being stripped to the bone and having to start over, at first it hurt like hell, then I got used to it, then I learned for all I lost I gained ten times more in other ways...

We have our lives, most of us have food a home a family, friends, if not we have tomorrow in which to create and bring dreams into reality....

Its up to us, to make this world a beautiful place, its up to us to bring beauty and love into this world in whatever way we can... don't wait for someone else to do it, if we all do that we are never going to see it, be it, be the change don't wait around for anyone else to do or give it too you...

Flashback...
I remember somewhere it hit me I was really young in one of my many isolated walks in the woods, I could never run out of love, so I could give it away all the time to everyone and would never run empty , I was never without love, love was always there in its endless supply, that allowed me to love people or at least treat people with love even if they didn't ever give anything back , often we become hurt or bitter if we love and are not loved back, but if you love only to be loved back its not love...

Of course I have learned sometimes I have to not stand in front of someone with a machine gun saying i love you as they shoot me, and to allow someone to harm me is to enable the pattern of harm and so I have learned when to remove myself from situations with as much love as possible without ending up getting completely demolished. Thats been the hardest lesson for me to learn for often I would just stand there until there was so little left that even leaving became difficult.

Granted the machine guns usually come from years of heartbreak and hopelessness which leads to anger and or loss of ones connection for I believe if we are really connected it makes it hard to just hurt each other because if we are connected we know we are all in this together . Love is good at refusing connections but its a battle if someone has a machine gun pointed at you while your trying to offer them a cable to jump the engine.

Love real love can do that, but its like gold its not commonly carried sadly as a currency . When I see it find it or find people who still carry it, It inspires me, for so many lose it, and love isn't about love at all its about control, use, games, or gain.

Hollywood has its fair share of game players, its fair share of people with very pretty very well crafted mask, the games usually have to do with what can I get, and love is used as a currency. I detest this game, I always have and always will, love is not a game and if you try to make it one and I see it I will have no problem going for the heart . We reap what we sow, if you treat love that way you not only will leave burned buildings behind you but eventually your own will no longer be standing.

I hope for the sake of humanity the world and our future for us and our children we collectively find the end game button....

I suppose I should be more holiday spirit, but for me holiday spirit is all about love and reflection awareness dreams and visions, its a time to reflect and dream as well as visualize the future. Not to mention sharing love with your loved ones or yourself...

So that being said... love as if there was no end, no tomorrow and without strings,
:)
Then we can build beautiful things which will remain through any storm, not burn with the fire or be washed away by the water...

Jillian

Its funny how lessons and teachers come into my life. For me it will start usually with a realization and then often is followed with people out of nowhere or so it seems carrying the message..
Recently that message has struck somewhere deep in one of those places that I have been working with since childhood. The place where I felt I had to "be" this way or that way behave this way or that, mold myself fit myself into a box made of someone else's desires of who and what I should be. When I was younger I had lots of conflict around this box, because I knew I would never be able to live my life trying to fit into other peoples boxes and more so when each person had a different box for me. Yet when I didn't conform to the box I would often meet with anger, rejection, manipulation, guilt, shame, and even to the degree of violence. If I was an animal it would have left me like a dog who was clearly unsure if people were to ever be trusted, but the inner conflict eventually started to become less and less conflicted and more and more sure .

If someone loved me they accepted me, as I was and would encourage me teach me through love, but love wasn't control. It seems many confuse love and power, and I encountered my share of people who have that confused and often its out of insecurity and its often not something they see. I never wanted to be angry, for years I just internalized it all, because I didn't want to become like those who had abused me. I never wanted to be that one, I internalized it so much that it started to come out on its own, leading to me finding myself trying to match the internal pain with something physical. I've learned since that makes sense as a kid I didn't know what I know now about having to match the internal emotional intensity to the external physical for balance. Because of extreme things which happened or were done I responded with the same kind of extremes, trying to find balance, but since I repressed all my hurt and anger afraid that either I would become like those who abused me or because if I expressed how hurt I was then I would just seem weaker as well as when I had often it had been later taken and used against me or used to manipulate me.

I was intelligent and so if people did those things to me I would withdraw as much as I could but sometimes I had no escape in childhood I didn't and so it all got shoved inside and locked behind steal doors. I didn't want to fight and so I would just take it , eventually I learned pain really didn't hurt me, but what hurt me was the intention behind the pain being inflicted that would cut. I left vowing to myself I would never go back, and that meant into a situation that was abusive in any way. Granted the problem is when you don't know the otherside sometimes its hard to tell and abuse can take on so many faces. I made the vow to myself because I wanted to create a safe place for myself and as much as I always longed like every girl does for the protector the king the one who loves and protects you the king I never knew. I realized within a few years and after a few relationships where I was looking for that I had to become it , I had to be my own protector and sure maybe my fairy tale dream will one day be but until then I had to become that for myself.

People have come in and out of my life and played that role, sometimes as friends, sometimes as lovers, and when it happens it always gives me hope. I am old fashioned and still believe in fairy tales, I also learned I have to write mine and that means sometimes I have to leave the castle abandon the ship go swimming with the sharks and jump off the cliff because to stay would be to die internally or break my vow and I really don't like breaking vows its not something I like to do. At this point in many ways I have gotten stronger in the whole " take me as I am " for I can't be anything else, and being bold and shameless with who I am . There are still a few things, all which run as deep as it goes and are close to my heart which cause me to have to work through conflict the conflict that comes from a life time of being taught/told I was never good enough, to be loved and the only way to be loved was to fit into someone else's box...

I spent lots of time emptying out all the things I used to shove down, and the process hasn't been easy but it allows me to be free and know myself. I've let go of many things that I used to hold onto because I thought they helped keep me safe, and the more of my walls I tear down, the more I let people in , the more I open up the more I strip away the layers not only in my life but in my art and creativity the more I feel like I did as a child both full of hope and dreams, as well as very affected by the world around me, the more present I become the more open I become the richer and more beautiful life has become. There is no box for me to fit in, there are no walls to hide behind, if someone loves me they will accept me and anything less isn't love its about power, and I am not here to play games, there is no time for mask, for pretending, for hiding.

This is where I could go into how so many things have become so tainted sending the message to so many we have to fit into this box or that box in order to be "worthy" and sadly religion is right up there with other systems that have been if nothing else tainted by those who aware of it or not are all about power. You will never win if you play for power, its not possible it only ends in bloodshed and broken hearts. The core of this is not about religion, race, politics, the core of this has to do with each and everyone of our spirits and our connection to whats beyond as well as how we deal with ourselves. If I don't look myself in the mirror if I don't face both the pain and bliss the love and suffering within how can I even be, if I don't know myself how can someone else? if I don't accept myself who else will? If I am not connected spiritually how can anyone else connect me?

I find heaven in all things, nature silence working playing traveling for it comes from within, I don't have to earn it or behave or live in a box, I don't have to follow 7.000 rules or give up all my dreams I don't need a leader for I am already there. ... I just get in my own way sometimes....and thats what I am working on.....

keep your head high
walk without looking back
don't be afraid to shine
or to walk the line

walk the walk
talk without walk
is empty
and talk that walks
opposite of its talk
is a deception
creating confusion
leading to nothing

it used to be so easy
to be fearless
then you get hurt
people wound you
then that blissful
ignorance slips

finding the balance
between being
innocent as a dove
and shrewd as a snake
loving and yet not prey
in a world in which
both love and hate
creation and destruction
go hand in hand

anything less then truth
anything less then transparence
anything less then honesty
anything less then being real
is nothing and nothing
isn't worth anything

yet it is a land
full of mask and games
lies and manipulation
often born from insecurity
strengthened through fear
until what is real is buried
so deep below
the act becomes reality

I listen I pay attention
I hear I am growing
The lesson is to
Stand like a tree
through the wind
through the storm
until the sun comes out
and shines down

Recently I have found myself in situations which caused me to remember that time when I was a child and was scared there was a monster under my bed.
I would be so scared and then I would force myself to see because maybe I was scared for no reason, of course when I looked under my bed there was no monster
The monster was only in my own head.

Over the years I have started to learn to trust my instincts, as well as tune into which ones are monsters under my bed and which ones are real. I have found
that usually when I get real warning signs they come out of nowhere, I will be in a happy peaceful blissful or just mellow state and out of nowhere something
hits me over the head, I have learned the more I pay attention the more clear things become.

But my instincts were not something I was taught to follow, there was no class in intuition no class on listening. I happened to spend lots of my time in the woods alone
or making art or just alone and in that alone time I did lots of listening. I was so used to living in a world that I spent a large amount of my time alone wondering in the woods
listening creating and just being that my transition into big cities and a world where all around me were all these things, people, energies, which I felt but while living
in NY I had to learn how to ground .

Now in Los Angeles I am adjusting, I am told its the land of smoke and mirror and for years I would come and stick my pinky toe into the water and slowly I found
people who were not part of the smoke and mirror performance. I also ran into my share of people who would shape shift on me, I remember when I was eighteen
I ended up staying at a agents, this agent turned out not to be good news and I could feel it, the energy felt all wrong and so I emailed this photographer who's work
I loved and then he called me and the moment I heard his voice I knew he was someone who I would be safe with , I just knew it and so I went outside and was just honest
I told him I ended up in a situation with someone that didn't feel safe at all. He then drove over at three in the morning and got me, and from then on out he was
one of my best friends and he taught me many things he also was well known in the world I was running in and before him I got messed with allot once our
connection as creatives and friends became public it was like someone had built a wall around me. At the time and for those years I needed that, I remember I would
stay with him anytime I was here, and often I would fall asleep while he worked in his office. He always protected me, always called me out, and was a real friend,
we had our moments, we didn't always see eye to eye but until the end I knew he had my back and he had me covered. After he died LA was a tough place for me
I suppose in cities being the nomad I have been I would always find that one person, I only needed one as long as I had one who I knew was there and
on the same page then I knew if I happened to find myself in a situation where I needed backup I had someone and somewhere.

As a women as fearless as I am I also realize the world I live in requires me to see the war going on around me all the time. Over the years
I learned the hard way often that despite the fact I see the world as my home and roam freely and feel I can live be anywhere I also have learned
its much safer to have someone around who knows the land, the pitfalls, and who has been there a long time and knows the ropes.
As a model for years I learned it was worth more then gold to listen to those who had been in a market for a long time, and as a model who
traveled and booked work on my own most of the time, I would usually tap into someone prior and get as much information as possible.

Yet over the years despite the skills i have learned sometimes I find myself in a room or on the way to meet someone and I get hit with the ten
pounds of bricks. Its happened though to me often through jobs my agency got me, which was one of the reasons I liked doing stuff on my own
I could read things through emails and voices, and I would actually research people prior to getting on a plane and flying somewhere . The last few
close calls i had were through agencies, situations where I found myself in the room with a predator who viewed me as something to eat.
I've had people sink there claws into me when I was younger, and its not something I allow, there was a time I didn't know how to fight and or didn't
think it was ok to fight but I realized that it is that energy that keeps the cycle going of those who prey often on women or the more gentle spirited and those who get
raped, sexually assaulted, abused, controlled and or just used.

At this point being protective and willing to fight back I feel is something I must do not only for myself but in hopes to do what I can to
break the cycle. As someone who is all about love it took me a long time to realize allowing someone to rape, sexually abuse, abuse, control, or
harm me was only allowing the cycle to continue and it was ok to do whatever I could to stop it including leaving, calling in others or fighting back.
The last few predators I have encountered I went head to head with and granted I may have been scared and gotten a few scratches
I escaped without allowing them to take what they were after. Granted I have also had to call in friends for they come faster sadly then the system
or have not only taken it to the system but also if they were in the modeling industry had no problem alerting everyone I knew that they had tried
to sink their teeth into me. Sometimes girls wouldn't listen and would work with people regardless and often end up getting hurt in the indi modeling world
there are many who actively try to protect each other and will do whatever they can to help protect but just from watching and being a part of it
I have seen allot and the only way to play is to realize it is a war and sometimes it involves fighting back.

There are monsters under the bed which are often just our own, then in real life we can encounter those who really just want to take something from us
granted in a balanced relationship there is a exchange, one is not just eating the other, sensing the give and take is important, there are those that will
stop at nothing to take what they want with no concern of how it harms the other. If you encounter this its important to not be afraid to fight back because by
allowing it we feed it and by feeding it the cycle continues.....

Its up to us to change things for the better but I don't think its a passive act of just allowing things to go on but actively working with what is.
I view life as a battle and I am here to fight for I have learned if I don't fight I will just become a slave to someone or something....
Fighting doesn't mean the use of anything physical the more I tune in the more I see and feel things before they hit me causing me
to have the capacity to avoid having to go head to head and hand to hand... which is of course something I would rather not do....
Yet I have also learned most of the battle takes place via the spirit and have learned over the years that sometimes saying nothing
and just being present with intention can send a bullet through the walls.

I have found myself in the room or next to those who raped me years latter more then once, I have walked into studios and come
face to face with those who raped or tried to rape my friends and I feel something then, and so do they, and nothing needs to be said
for just being there says it all. I feel like a ghost sometimes sent back just to remind them that what you do never dies its no secret
there are no secrets these people continue to go about life with mask and smoke in mirrors but the truth will always come out and will always
set those it needs to free .....eventually

Which is why when something that happens that may hurt me I chose to accept it and realize its just another tool, another experience
and the more i have the further I can go and the more wounds I heal from the more I can give that to others, the more I live through
the more I can burn a path through and the more I learn the more I can share. For nothing can take my love or spirit from me,
all the things that happen only teach me, and as I learn I grow stronger and wiser so I embrace the bullets if I actually get hit
for if I miss one I must learn from it and from the process of removing and healing myself...
Many feel unworthy or worthless because of things that were done to them or because they have a heart full of bullets and wounds
but nothing anyone does to you makes you worth any less, nothing that happens to you or that you experience takes away
your beauty and love unless you let it, we have that choice, its the monster under the bed. If you shut down disconnect turn off and tune out
then over time the more detached the more turned off you become the less you are aware of how you harm yourself and others
most of those who I encounter as predators at some point were not and just lost more and more of there connection until the only
thing that mattered was power taking power eating energy feeding. If we are empty then we can end up becoming the predator
yet we are never empty unless we chose to believe we are, and disconnect our souls... fear is often one of the causes of that disconnect
and so its important to look under the bed for often the monster is only in our heads......

We can chose to love, to have hope to protect create and fight the good fight or not.. we have that choice it is ours nothing and no one else
can make that choice. We can be full of love and give back and live in peace or not, we can chose to learn from all things and accept all things
as our teachers or not, we can work with what we are given or not, but nothing and no one can take the love and beauty from our souls unless
we chose to allow it... love is limitless and always there we just have to chose it.. we are responsible ... if we want a better world if we want more love
if we want peace its up to us.....

I am working on my website...
Its always been like a trip back
Each picture contains a moment in time, of course I know where I was when it was taken, what i was going through where my head and heart was. So anytime I work on my art be it my website, music or almost anything it rips me open and brings me to the moment...
I am thankful for it, I am forced to deal with whatever has been or is going on, and because of that no matter what happens I've learned how to use it and work through it by working with it.

My life is far from dull, its been full, so full that sleep seems to escape dreams and reality merged into one for sometime. I end up in a space where energy just continues to move as fast as I can keep up with it...
Granted now and then I hit a wall which I must either climb go around or break down depending on the situation, other times something hits me, a bullet, I trip, I fall, I get wounded and then I try to heal it while continue to keep the pace as much as possible.

I am not afraid to throw myself out there, I am not afraid to love deeply fully and with my whole heart, but that lack of fear only comes from having my heart broken so many times that I came to the perspective that everytime it was broken it just grew larger each time rather then smaller. Now I suppose my perspective is why not just jump, dive in head risk, take risk, risk it all, tomorrow may never come, this may actually be my last moment.
But that perspective comes from tasting death, and having my body be traumatized by others as well as seeing my fair share of early deaths. So if now is all there is what really matters? is it worth it to hold back and hold in your love your dreams your truth because of what? for what? Fear of what being hurt....

I've been hurt enough deeply enough to learn it fades, just as the body heals the pain comes and goes it all passes away, and with that understanding then its easier to continue to do what I can to keep my heart on my sleeve..I've been told its stupid but I've been told lots of things I ignore choosing to follow my heart ... I just keep moving, jumping in, head first, never really sure what will happen, and understanding that is the beauty of it, the unknown the wonder the open space in which to create....

It's the only way I know how to live, no matter how many times I got burned, I just take it as a teacher, a lesson.... And I have a choice I can shut down and shut off and detach and become distant and removed or say f*&^% it and jump in for round two....

My mother used to worry because I wasn't really afraid of things and now when I see fear, when it finds me, I like to stare it in the face and then go head to head... I have learned usually when its challenged it bows out and the battle is easily won. Often if you take a knife to what is behind the fear and if it is true you find it's not. Yet if its allowed to dictate your every move it can cripple you and prevent you from living, loving, creating, dreaming.. granted some fear has a place and sometimes I have a hard time not challenging the rules and boundaries of what have been taught or given to me to believe granted by challenging things head on I usually figure out one way or another how real it is. ....

Each day teaches me, each conversation, each job, each moment, expands my head and heart.....

My arts just been an extension of it all ... channeled into some form

New York always has held a place in my heart. Returning here reconnects me with dreams that inspired my life this far, and reminds me of how despite all our planning building and attempts to protect we are always living in a place where everything can change in a passing moment. Reflecting back I have had a life filled with these moments, moments in which my world is completely altered. Sometimes that moment is created because of a event which some may view as tragic or devastating, a sudden death, rape, bombs blowing up buildings, betrayal, loss of loved ones, illness, loss of something you invested your heart and soul into. Other times those moments can be created by the experience of the divine be it through love, nature, bliss or just connecting to the world ourselves and each other in acceptance and love. When I was younger and I first experienced situations that were extremely challenging and or painful I had a hard time understanding them or why it happened. But then I quickly came to a point of understanding I may never understand why, and accepting it and then whatever the situation be it painful or blissful, heart break or inspiring accepting it and allowing it to be and for it to teach me.

When things happened that were very difficult or painful, I started just seeing it as my teacher, and embracing the lesson that came with the experience. This allowed me to work with and move through situations that were very difficult and come out on the other end grateful for the experience even though I had to learn how pull out bullets and sew back wings. I realized at a young age I had a choice, if I experienced say rape or abuse, or just betrayal I could chose to forgive and learn from it and transform it into something I could then use in a positive way or I could close down shut off and live in fear and anger. I chose to accept it all, everything I encountered, everything I did, everything I experienced and just let it be and learn from all of it. What I learned is the things when I was a teenager I didn't think I could take now I see as a beautiful and transformative experience be it painful and difficult at times.

Sometimes I find myself in new situations with new experiences and new lessons, and usually the first time around it is about learning and that process can sometimes be painful. When you fall off the bike and cut your knee ten times before you finally learn how to ride. Yet I am willing to fall off the bike cut myself up and keep getting on it over and over until I finally am able to ride it clear across the city with the wind beside me.

How we deal with difficult situations, painful situations, can really alter our path and the world we live in. For it seems many adopt the mentality of you hurt me I will hurt you back, or you didn't give me what I wanted or you are not doing what I want and so therefore I will try to control you or will hurt you in order to make you do what I want. Or you strike me I will strike you back ten times harder. Granted I understand in a sense spiritually life is war but I suppose to me fighting doesn't mean needing to feed into the energy of revenge. We live in a world in which war is a example of that mentality or choice feed by many therefore creating a massive ball of energy which leaves behind a path of destruction often without actually coming to any resolution and simply draining or taking peoples lives away. Yet we all have tiny wars in our lives and minds on a daily basis and being aware of them is often the hardest part.

What is the motivation behind the action, is it out of fear or acceptance, is it out of anger or forgiveness, and if you are angry how can that be transformed or used in a productive way. If fear is the motivation behind choices often those choices lead into a cycle that can become very painful. Fear of being alone, fear of loving, fear of letting someone in, fear of losing all or who you love, fear of not being good enough, fear of getting hurt, fear of losing our jobs, fear of death, fear of living, it's a powerful force fear and sometimes it serves a purpose. Yet I have found that everytime I find fear and force myself sometimes kicking and screaming internally to work with it and come through it rather then letting it build a box around me which then becomes a prison I always feel as if I grow both in love and the capacity to love and accept what is and that means whatever is in my life in the moment.

Accept what is, and work with it, there is so much there then to work with . If I worry or focus on what is not, what I lost, what was broken, stolen, taken, then I am not seeing what is, and I have learned that in one moment someone can throw an arrow through my heart and cause me extreme pain and yet in the very next moment I can pull it out and then find myself in a place of complete love and joy. In just a moment the light can shine down and the darkness can all vanish. This has always given me hope for no matter what came or happened, no matter how hurt I was or how devastating a situation seemed I knew and believed in the very next moment everything that was lost could come back ten fold from out of nowhere and so therefore nothing was ever really lost or for that matter gained...

Its hard to remember sometimes but my lessons have been extreme enough to have taught me deeply enough that its burned into my skin and I am always blessed to have always had people around me in one form or another who remind me and reflect back to me so that I can see.

I have learned to embrace the unknown, as well as face the fear, to love knowing that I may really only have this moment, to create, to love, to share to give to be, and I have learned everything that happens is my teacher and only has been a blessing in its own way. Making me thankful for all I have experienced and learned through that.....

Let the sky
Split my heart wide
Let heartbreak
expand in silence
As walls shatter
The sun shines through
What was once locked
is now free to be here

As a cocoon
Wraps around
Traced with burning fire
Round the edges
Lifts me above the sea
Into a millions stars
Where I feel peace
In this space

As I fall the wings
Unfold as the world
Passes me by
Slowly allowing me stay
In a space where
The flowers bloom
Exactly when they
Are meant to

As everything
Is my teacher
And everything
Is a lesson
With each step
And every breath
I open up and listen

So that I may continue
To grow
Towards the sun

9/11 Collective Reality and a House of Cards

I am going to share my experience regarding 9/11. Prior to moving to New York I had recurring visions and dreams about towers burning and falling. At one point a song was created inspired by channeled through that vision. It was titled Fallen. The visions and dreams were so vivid and imprinted and continued to happen over and over to the point that I chose to live on the other side of the bridge. On September 10th something intense happened the entire day I felt a darkness descend i kept hearing souls and seeing a vision over and over. I was attempting to go about my daily life but it weighed heavily on me. On the way home a man who used to walk me home everynight came to me and walked me home. I told him about what I was feeling and seeing and he expressed he knew and explained from his perspective why it was happening then he prayed with me. I went inside unable to sleep, I called a friend told them what I was seeing and feeling, they told me not to worry, everything would be fine . I told them this time something was really not right I could see and feel it.

The next day I saw it, it was no longer a dream or a vision, it was unfolding in reality. This completely altered my perspective of reality , my friend was altered as well. Ever since then it has continued to be with me, and has changed my life. I watch now as the controversy continues to spread on who or why and how it happened I understand why that controversy is there but what happened was planned for a long time, I saw it for years, I don't know exactly how or why but it was there. I never was shown who or the exact time although what I felt right before was so thick you couldn't cut a knife through its energy.

I have continued to try to stay aware, pay attention to dreams and visions for after that experience dreams and visions became messengers. Trusting in them in a world which in many teach and or program us to discount them or we never even dream or have visions.

I feel we are collectively moving into very intense times, not that it hasn't always been intense. With technology comes the capacity for us to communicate faster and spread information quicker. But it also comes with the capacity to manipulate and control in ways that prior to the consolidation of information that is initially feed not only to us but to the entire world. I have watched as a story that was once local has become global, an idea of reality that once could only be spread by mouth can now be spread at the speed of light altering the perception of reality globally.

The swine flu is a wonderful example of how something can be spread at the speed of light to create a energy of fear globally with or without very much behind it based on actually reality. If we were living in little tribes we wouldn't even know about swine flu until we got it. Now through the media you could convince people there will be a huge issue and convince them all to get a vaccine even if there really was no issue or threat. I am not saying that the swine flu has no threat. I am just saying we live in a world in which our collective perspective of reality can be easily manipulated and controlled if we accept all that is spoon feed to us without actually looking into it questioning it as well as looking at it from a spiritual perspective.

Our greatest protector is to be rooted within our own spiritual connection. To do all we can to protect our bodies the earth and each other through awareness and choices based not on what we have been told or sold as our guidelines on how to be healthy happy or free but rather based on information which has been with us since the start and will be with us till the end . I have been deeply saddened and moved by seeing many of those close to me and that I love and are my fellow beings in which I share this life with become ill, or lose vitality and there energy. More so when often it could have been avoided to a large degree. It deeply disturbs me I live in a world in which profit seems to come before truth and or what is loving, kind or healing. Of course there are exceptions to this and there are many and the numbers continue to grow who are changing this one day one choice and one life at a time but when I see what this " American Dream" and system actually do to people in the long run it causes all the fire within to burn.

I feel we are all in this together so of course when I see others suffer, that is connected to me, we are all connected. I do not believe in countries, colors, races, religions or even sexes . I believe we are all spiritual beings all interconnected with the earth, animals and all things . I believe that we are not alone, I do not know the names or how to define , I do not feel it is needed. For the things which cause us or allow us to harm each other and believe we are not all connected and not all really one are things which I hope to see dissolve so that love can penetrate and bring balance and wholeness back into our individual souls and lives as well as the world and all the things within it and beyond. Personally the things that divide us are things which my spirit never seems to be able to embrace although I was taught to believe in them. I am unable...

Its quiet here, but I am awake.. I feel that its important for all of us to be connected to what is within, to our bodies our world and each other, beyond how much money we have, how many cars, houses, toys, titles, degrees, for those things can be useful and have a purpose and are tools, but without a connection to ourselves each other and beyond they can often just be distractions. I have always noticed art music and messages that come through it and into the media the underground the internet. When I see one it always inspires me, for the more of us out there working to change things one by one choice by choice day by the day the more the energy is shifted. I do not feel we are powerless I do not feel it is hopeless I don't feel it is any more dark then light. I feel we can if we all go within and work from our source and use our energy we can collectively work to create balance. But we have to do it collectively, I do not feel one being will be able to save us.. we must all work together ...

Yet human connection is being challenged in ways that are new to us, I know that I want to and crave deep spiritual connections with those I am with, work with, play with, love, friends and family. Sharing a moment when two are present is magic and yet it seems that is something often lacking from our interactions . We have all these screens and wires in front of our hearts, touching each other has so much baggage associated with it and yet touch and exchanging love through human connection is part of our form of communication. Without true deep communication many of us find ourselves feeling sad, alone, depressed, and then balance is lost. Love is a powerful force if unleashed but in order to unleash it I have found I have to unlearn much of what I was taught.

I continue to have hope for us as a collective that we can find ways to bridge the things that keep us separated and grow deeper and richer spiritually which then opens our eyes hearts and minds to see what is real and what is a house of cards.

Yesterday my dream stayed with me, mainly because I don't understand the meaning. I was somewhere between land and sea and I knew I was going to have three children at once. I was trying to find a safe place to have them, where they wouldn't have metal clamps around there heads or be shot with god knows what the moment they enter the world. I was looking through a strange forest for a place and for someone to help of course, I knew although I may be able to have them that I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own, I at least needed someone to help cut the chord safely and for me the thought of cutting the umbilical chord seemed to be the realization I had to find a safe place and someone else to assist. Even in the dream it seemed like a challenge, trying to find a safe place and someone to help. I found someone and ended up somewhere, the someone was a nameless faceless creature that didn't exactly seem human and the place was like it was out of a french fairy tale that took place deep in the woods. I woke up before it was all done, the majority of the dream was trying to find a place and assistance . The last time I had a dream about children I had one and I was traveling but the world I was in the dream was one that seemed to be from the future, the world as it is now still has lots of places and if you work at it a bit can be a wonderful place to raise a child but it requires awareness of the often common unseen dangers which can severely harm a child without even knowing it. I have no children, not my own, I am the oldest of four so I felt like I was part mom already, and I used to take care of children when I was younger as one of my first jobs, i worked hard with those children to get them to play outside, make art and tried to keep a balance with the tv versus the other world. Both dreams though I feel are just an inner awareness about our world and our future.

I went for a midnight swim, usually that late at night the amount of people is diminished and I often can find some quiet, but last night was a challenge. I am very blessed that the majority of my life, I eat, live, shop, create, work and play in this world, that is in the so called real world but it is the part that is built and feed off creative energy, spiritual energy, love, and people trying to grow and expand, change things make the world a better place in there own way somehow. If you just lived in my world then the world would look like there was lots of love and hope creativity and that really everything is pretty good. But the world is everything all the time, there is always hope, and always suffering, always love and always hate, always peace and war. We chose what we create in this world and what we feed our energy to but until every single being in the entire planet choses peace over war, forgiveness over revenge, love over hate, acceptance over judgement, the world will continue to contain the chaos and the order, that is visible now. When I lived in NYC and was working as a model, I used to chose to live in areas which were slightly outside of the bubble, I would go slightly further then the other artist into the areas where often at the time I would be one of the first if not the first. So I lived in this extreme contrast I would go out to hundred dollar dinners with people I was working for and come home to a building where six people lived in an apartment the same size of the one I lived alone in. Or when I lived off atlantic avenue and used to go wondering around crown heights by myself at three in the morning. I discovered I could move walk live anywhere, nothing ever happened to me in those places, in all the years of my past midnight city roams the worst thing I have dealt with was vanishing into shadows to avoid someone being a little too friendly. I like walking at night for as everyone sleeps its quiet I can feel the city.

In San Francisco I ended up in one of the nicest parts of the city, its actually been difficult for me in someway around me are all people with BMWs and over priced cute corner stores I am used to Brooklyn a little girt, granted the place I ended up in needed and still needs some work but its not the mission or even east Williamsburg. Its been a transition but all I have to do is take the train or last night go to the pool to feel a shift of energy. I feel energy, which can be a little bit of a challenge, I am not very capable of not feeling it and I chose not to shut off to it. People all have a vibration or energy it can change peoples energy can change it is transformative. My own changes I continue to work with my own, I have lots of it and if not burned, or channeled or grounded it can be a bit like a race car crashing and spinning off the track. I have always been blessed with tons of energy, my mother used to go make me run around the backyard because I couldn't sit still. I have learned with my energy trying to confine it or not use it for creative, spiritual, or other positive outlets it can explode. I have come to learn I can sit still to meditate, in nature to be one with what is, i can be quiet and still and peaceful, but what doesn't work is not creating, growing, learning, giving, moving, loving, sharing. I have to create a lot, its my nature to go against it causes part of me to become very frustrated at first. Like an animal if you take a wild animal thats meant to be free and try to put it in a small box it will fight at first and then eventually if it cannot escape it either copes or sometimes animals become depressed. I have learned the hard way I can be confined to a small space for days as long as I can create something or meditate or even visualize future creations. But energetically I tune into others and or the places that I am which is a challenge.

Last night at the pool the energy was off, the air was thick enough to cut a knife through. I was the only women and stood out like a sore thumb typically at that time there isn't as many people there. It was packed but I really wanted to swim and use the sauna . I went into the ladies dressing room a women was dressing she felt so angry, the dressing room was messy it was as if chaos had taken over . I changed and then went out I can feel people and cameras I dived in, under the water it was quiet but the energy felt tense even under the water I continued to swim till I had done my time. Then I went and climbed into the sauna with all the men. I became so spoiled for years I went to Crunch and still go, but they closed all the Saunas in San Francisco, and I use Saunas all the time because I found I get sick far less often when I use them often. So I found a gym that had decent saunas the only side effect is they are all code and I have yet to see another women in them ever. Typically when I hit the sauna I go to one on a roof top under the buildings with trees and stars and I feel much better there, but no pool there this place has a pool and a nice sauna but its all indoors. Typically I am in there all a moment or two before someone gets the courage to find a way to ask me a question, if I am a model, if I want to get a drink, and so on. I took my book in last night and tried to make it as clear as possible that I really didn't want to be hit on in the sauna its the only downside of a code sauna because I don't mind sharing it, I just don't want to spend all my time talking I usually like to read or just meditate. It was loud, two men were friends were talking about gaining weight and what there women made them. It seems everywhere I go people want to be healthy, and fit, but in this case it was clear a lack of education was one of it not the main problem. If you are educated through the mainstream about health its a bit of a confusing education. Slim fast is not the healthy way to lose weight.

Then the fight broke out, its too be expected with the energy that tense for that long . Two men fighting screaming coming inches from beating each other, that was my cue to leave. The energy at night in some parts of SF is pretty intense even more intense then most parts of New York. Los Angeles has pockets where at night I feel I shouldn't be there alone wondering. San Francisco has those pockets but it changes places that during the day I feel fine in at midnight there are people/spirits something lurking or people who are no longer in control of their bodies. My teller at the bank swims there she said after one its quiet, she also said the parking lot can have issues which in SF means its been a target enough for it to get around. She told me the gym where my passport was stolen was known to have theft issues, I have never in all my years of going to the gym late at night or swimming been robbed but many people have no jobs and so I understand crime often goes up . The parking lot is a bit erie despite all the cameras and its in these moments I really wish I had a big dog, in fact since living in this city I wished I had a dog, because in New York I could walk because there was always something open and someone in the open store . Here everything shuts down and during the week there is nothing really in many places. I would love to go walk in the park at night, but I don't do it here alone, I would if I had a big dog with me, but even in the day when I wonder in the park people pop up out of nowhere .

I have a car but driving at night is not as fun as walking, when I lived in Silverlake I would walk around the lake at night, it always felt safe there, here I can walk up and down the hills at night for no one wants to climb a hill, and it seems the trouble stays in the valleys . So I hike up the hills into the land of really wealthy people, there are lots of trees and flowers up there, but its not like new york where I could walk from uptown to brooklyn at two am and knew which ways to walk that were safe. Here I feel I can only roam so far before I have to turn around and roam in circles. In Los Angeles the beaches and areas like Silverlake, or Santa Monica, or even Venice I can roam easily, here I always feel a little caged. Its just the dynamic of the city that and I don't know many people here, and so in NYC I would walk to a friends or meet a friend to walk, I love walking and talking with people, exploring and sharing while moving;) I suppose I will always be a little home sick. But I also know LA is the next home I will have for sometime. I am just visiting here, a long visit but a visit. Los Angeles is bigger and there are more places to roam, and I feel I can put down roots there. Here I have felt I am just passing through its a temporary thing and so I suppose I haven't put down to many roots. I have more roots friends and other connections in LA, almost as many as NYC, and so I am looking forward to being there. Here I always feel a little bit home sick even though i have learned lots here and grown a good bit ... now I need to go work on my album... till next time....

J

Last week I went to see a chiropractor. He was a large man very kind very warm but this huge man , I told him my brief history its hard for me to really lay it all out I have a habit of trying to make it bite size snippets so I can get through it . With healers I have learned I have to lay it out, even though I would rather not I would rather have kept it all bundled up but that doesn't work because then it just forces its way out energy can't be contained. He went in, on the surface it seems my energy is pretty fluid, I would agree with that, I have worked on it for a while and I can feel when its stuck but I suppose even I had focused on the channels and freeing up the energy around the main points. I had not considered what actually may have been stored in my bones and spine as well as how that was pulling all the muscles I work so hard at trying to keep from hating me .

I ended up there because I have been working with acupressure and acupuncture for awhile and it can really help and remove something quickly but I noticed and so did the people I was working with the muscles just all went right back. Then a friend of mine was kind enough to help me one day when the tightness in my back and neck had caused me to have a headache. He is a bit of a healer and a intuitive and he pointed out how it was because part of my spine and some of my bones were not where they should be or "jacked" . I don't go to "healers" unless they come through trusted sources, because I have had some traumatic experiences with so called healers and because of that I only work with them if they usually come through someone I trust and often not until someone I know well works with them and gives me feedback. So when it comes to letting some big man pick me up and crack me I am not so quick to just allow anyone to do it.

But this person came through a very trusted source and had been tried and proven so I went, and there I was on a table. When he went to work on me though my body had a hard time allowing him in, it locked up a bit even though my mind was trying to tell the body it was ok. Its ok really, you can be here, he isn't going to hurt you. But it triggered something and the places he was going to crack open and release the energy were all places that I knew held it, not from recently but had been holding it and storing it there for a life time. At one point he explained how although he believes in acupuncture and acupressure we live in a violent intense world and often things happen to us with force, trauma, car wrecks, accidents, energies, and it needs a equal force to release it. I never thought of it that way, but it made sense when he explained it. He was a big man and my body seemed to have a response to that, just his size invoked feelings but I stayed there, for I feel the only way out is through.

After the session, I felt my body differently, in a positive way, but then somewhere shortly after on the way home it as with a volcano erupted of energy/emotions. I then wanted to run into the woods out to the sea. As a child when I felt that way I would flee away from all humans into the heart of nature often with my dogs so I could process it now as an adult living in a big city with no dogs I felt trapped. I took my car and went as far as I could get away from people in the city, to the ocean to the edgy where the water meets the sand in the darkness. People were burning fires on the beach, I kept walking, across the dark beach for the ocean is like a mother it provides me with a sense of being held or understood. When I am there or in nature there is room it feels like for this energy to come out, and be released. In cities in buildings all piled up against each other with people I can feel even though I can't see , people who sometimes can be loving and supportive and other times cruel and harmful, but overall the ocean is predictable, people often are not.

Its been a few days, all which have felt different, more alive, more present, more here, maybe more intense. After he worked on me he gave me his feedback on how I stored things deep the things that are locked or jacked are really old and have been there a really long time, and how it will take time not that much time to release and unlock/jack them. He then went on to tell me it may not be easy or so pleasant at first but to try to stick with it and make it through it. I am pretty in touch with energy and my own, and I knew it was in there, but I didn't exactly know how to bring it to the surface. The body mind spirit is fascinating, and what we hold unaware is also fascinating. I understand you have to go though the night to get to the day. I also seek to always continue to grow and be more present. I realize being more present means sometimes being present in suffering or pain, and that for me its better just to be there then to pretend its not there or take the easy way out. I am trying to learn how to deal with the mind/body/spirit when it comes to taking energies that came through trauma or harm to me not from me but from others and find a way to transform it into something beautiful. Many take that energy often unaware and either repeat it becoming the one inflicting the harm on themselves or others.

In our world if we could work this way with being harmed be it rape, war, theft, abuse, rather then simplify turn around and send it back, then I feel it would be a better place. For the only way to stop it is one person at a time. Sadly though many just bury it and then years later find themselves acting it out unconsciously which often leads to some kind of harm . Transforming the energy takes more work then pushing it down . Western medicine typically believes in the covering it up method, rather then to dig into why someone feels, sad, unhappy, hopeless, dark, or broken then simply medicate it . Those feelings often come from somewhere and although i feel some people actually need medication I feel far to many who don't are living half connected lives because of it. Rather then dealing with all of it and all of you they are cutting chunks of themselves out by removing the capacity to feel by altering chemicals in the brain. Its no different then being a coke or heroin addict in my eyes, drugs that alter your perspective or reality alter your perspective or reality. Its ironic to me that they can put someone on 28 types of pills for everything from waking up to sleeping to happiness to feeling calm and there is no side effect. Yet in many states if your caught smoking weed you go to jail much less selling it. Dealing with reality I feel is the only way to actually be human.


More soon I have to go
J

I built this space
But then it enclosed around me
My words unable to
Leave my throat
You never forget the truth
You just get better at lying
Such a true statement
The truth burns holes
Into everything within
Through skin rules
Limits conditions
Without truth there is no love
For love without truth
Without open honest deep
Communication slowly
Crumbels into dust
I have tried to live
My life with truth
I have tried to open the
Door to honest soulful
Deep real truthful communication
For without that
My throat closes
My heart swells
Up against my bones
Holding it in
The longer I hold it in
The less I am able to Breathe
and as I breathe less
Everything shifts
The magic turns into
A memory and I find myself
Lost somewhere in
Another dream
I try to speak
To open to channel
To break through the walls
But all the words
Come back misunderstood
Twisted pushed back
And I then feel like I did
When I unable to
Communicate with those
I love the most
I run out into the city
Feeling confined
Like a wild animal
Around me are millions of eyes
I cannot hide what I feel
For even if I cannot
Communicate truth to others
I know it in myself
I run to the ocean
To the edge of the city
In the dark under the moon and the stars
I long to wrap her around me
For in her I see truth
She reflects back more then
Words can ever explain
I have always felt one with nature
People sometimes I find it easy
Energies connect naturally
Walls fall away
Then that place of divine
Utter beauty and love
Comes forth
A divine union
That goes above and beyond
Religions rules countries and laws
Unexplained and beautiful that way
But when the walls grow
Dense with every word
Misunderstanding
Missed connection
Eventually I feel
As if I no longer belong
That I belong with the
Sky and the sea
The fire and the air
The earth and the stars
Love cannot me confined
Or defined
You cannot build a box around it
Tell it that if it doesn't live in there
Then it will be over or ended
Love is like the wind
It moves it flows
It changes shape and form
But is always there
But you cannot trap it
You cannot contain it
You cannot own it
You cannot keep it
In a little box
For it will vanish into the air
Move as it wills
Over the oceans
Through the walls
If you love someone
They say you set them free
If they return they return
If not then it doesn't mean
The love is gone
It is like the wind
Always there
Sometimes you hear it
Sometimes it sneaks
Silently around you
As I run to the ocean
I long to fade
Back into that place
Where there were no walls
No fear
Just love....

I have noticed far to much movement regarding the "swine" flu on all fronts not to address it. In the underworld some say its all about money, others population control, and others still far more sinister. Meanwhile the white house has been sending me emails "advising" me to get a vaccine and the media is apparently at least in the us on the" fear" program. All of it adds up to something not right be it the "swine" flu was genetically engineered to wipe out some of us, or the vaccine is created to not help us really but rather in the long run harm us, or is it just unsafe because if we look at history regarding vaccines and safety we find the often don't go hand in hand.

If you pay attention you see trends you see waves before they hit the shore and I have no idea how hard this one is going to hit but rather then take chances I think its safe to say a wave is coming. Granted we just got hit with another wave millions of lives have been damaged, they have lost homes jobs and there savings all because another group of people could magically lose a trillion or so dollars. We live in a time where we have access to all the information out there but do we look? 80 percent of the population is influenced and often believes the mainstream media, the mainstream media is controlled by corporations some corporations are good and some are not but the news is not for the people by the people and despite all of our technological advancements seeing through the veil actually takes looking beyond what we are shown.

It seems there is a common problem in our world, we cant seem to join forces well enough to actually protect ourselves or create change. Those who can join forces can, and if we don't actually find ways not to continue to divide and separate ourselves from each other we have no voice for we are not a we. Artist I have always felt had the capacity to lead, inspire, teach, and reach the masses but these days the majority of pop stars don't say anything really and when they have or do the mainstream media likes to crucify them. Musical movements became cultural movements but as I look out i see some with a message and purpose and intention and I hope that they us we can find a door to cross over for the underground be as powerful as it is only reaches those who go there in order to really have a fighting chance it must go overground.

If and or when things get difficult that is when community matters most, if we have no community then where do we turn? to our government? to corporations? even if they wanted to help us its not possible . One of the best investments anyone can make is in community, friendships, building networks, and having the capacity to find ways to work together. Be it in times of pandemics or economic shifts.

In order to be in better shape if something does go down I would recommend getting 20 min a day of sun on naked skin , we need the sun to make vitamin D and we need D in order to work properly and many of us don't have enough. Eat lots of fresh organic fruits and veggies, good olis ( coconut, olive) boost the immune with reshi, echinacea, thyme tea, and swallow a clove or so of garlic a day and make sure you get enough sleep and real water. I am laying of the wine and anything else that may dampen my immune with all the travel I have coming up I want to be as healthy as possible so my body is capable of protecting me. I have to protect it, which is something western education seems to miss, we have to protect and love our bodies so they can protect and love us.


Its difficult sometimes to remember that really , I am not my body, I am in my body for now but its not me, yet that doesn't mean you can not love and protect it. I have been very blessed to experience many amazing things within my own spirit/mind/body connection which have taught me that if you work with all amazing things can happen. Balance is vital, finding balance with my lifestyle sometimes proves challenging as it does to all of us, but without balance the seams start to split. Stress or negativity or fear have dramatic effects on our body/soul/mind and despite the capacity for us to adapt it burns energy which could often be used for healing creation love and so on. I have found things often do not go as planed, gigs fall through, people die, love fades, relationships grow apart, and usually I just let things go and move on, let it move through me. I have found myself in situations recently where I can't just move on or let it go, because it keeps coming back and I seem unable to resolve the energy which creates tension rather then peace. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations which seem more difficult then we can handle and for me I often turn to art or writing music or nature in order to find a balance within the chaos.

The world we live in can ripe us away from each other and ourselves, and without a connection within and to each other we become easy prey to the hunters. There are hunters and some are ruthless and have no concern for our life if you have ever had an experience of being raped or seeing someone killed in cold blood it is a lesson to be learned. If we are sleep walking unaware through life disconnected from ourselves and each other what will stop them from turning us all into slaves or worse. We can't change anything if we aren't here...

Being present is vital for our future, the future of our world and for humanity... We will feel love, joy, loss , sorrow, pain, but how can we know without the other if we allowed ourselves to be ok with ourselves , accept ourselves, our emotions, our love and loss, joy and sorrow, and not judge ourselves or others, then maybe being awake and present would be easier. I grew up always feeling not good enough, I always felt like I was never worthy, this lead to suicide attempts amongst other things, but overtime I learned I was fine, I was just human, just me, and I was fine as I was for who I was, and I could continue to grow and become deeper and more connected but that shift in my perspective was the end of a era of always feeling "unworthy".

There are so many programs we are given, from teacher, schools, media, parents lovers, sometimes they don't work, and in that case before turning to drugs, legal or illegal, suicide, or a slow suicide through self destructive treatment maybe we should look at what we believe, look at the program and question if it works for us or not. If its not working maybe trying to alter not yourself but rather your perspective of what you should be...Many are unable to be present because of the pain, often the pain is caused by a program or perspective that isn't even real.

Ever notice how a very young child will stare you directly in the eyes, I often feel them more intensely then I feel most adults although when I encounter someone who is present in body and spirit I always feel both inspired and hopefully , for only when we are present can we love ourselves or anyone else. In order to be balanced and or healthy and able to adapt and deal with our ever shifting reality and not end up prey its vital for us and all humanity for us to be here...

For when we are here it is much easier to see and deal with anything as well as see beyond the veil

We are all in this together and we are all connected, despite our color, class, race or religion... and we may have been taught or programmed to believe otherwise but the lines drawn in the sand were not put there out of love... rather fear and control and it is up to us to erase them.....

Jillian Ann
JillianAnn.com

ps if your on facebook meet me here;)
xoxoxoxo

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jillian-Ann/40945601857

Religion is a bit like politics one of those subjects that many walk on egg shells about.
Division doesn't help us, and sadly religion and politics along with our perception of what is right or wrong good or evil often creates walls.
I will admit I have always had an instinct to push those walls. Anytime I find any around me it inspires something within me to push against them.
This of course has left me often reflecting on the purpose and reason behind the walls sometimes we become divided or separated based on
a program a thought line which didn't come from us but rather was given to us. Questioning these conditions has often lead me to
pushing up against those walls.

With both religion and politics at this time in my life, and granted my perspectives alter as I continue to grow, I have come to a place of seeing
both the division and the hope they can bring. But to say anything or anyone is evil or wrong to me is creating a wall which divides us from ourselves
and love. Growing up in christianity I could never fully accept it because they told me everyone who wasn't a christian would go to hell.
That was the wall for me, and I have heard all the arguments read the books understand the "perspective" but if God is all love then how does
sending everyone else to hell make any sense. I grew up in a world of demons and angeles and a list a mile long of laws which when actually attempted
was impossible for me to follow for they simply went against my heart.

Since then despite the fact I feel deeply connected to something, and to the world and humanity, I am unable to put it into a box with four walls and a door.
So I have chosen not too, rather being open to learning and expanding, and allowing life to teach me through but the bliss and the difficult times.
Within relationships I also find many of the same labels boxes and walls, which has become a place that is another challenge for me. For my nature is to
love be loving and open and not so concerned with labels and or rules so to speak. This of course evolved out of years of feeling guilty for xzy
only to realize that guilt didn't come from me but rather from believing what others said I was or should be. Which has brought me to a place of choosing to love
and trying to do it with awareness of others involvement but not allowing pre conceived notions on "love" and how it should "behave" or be
actualized formed from fear.

I have been told for years as a "attractive female" I cannot have deep connections with men, and even women, for its not possible. I am unable to live
my life so cut off from deep connections, and also learned if you place all of your energy onto one person it will usually cause it to implode. I feel we
do best if we have many deep loving connections that involved real depth and affection. I have many deep connections present in my life some female
some male, and I value them all, for each one of them inspires me and teaches me and hopefully its a two way street. Often my close friend and I joke
about how we are just more european then american when it comes to our relationship. I find in america the lack of affection is very unhealthy.
Much of it I feel is fueled by fear rather then love. I feel women should be able to be affectionate without it being a threat and or being perceived as being
"gay" . With men I feel its even worse in this country, if a man tells another man he loves him it often causes them to think its odd, or not common.
The collected projection that a man needs to be so masculine that saying I love you to another man is perceived as "gay" or not manly, just like the whole
men don't cry thing. I really oddly find it inspirational if I see a man actually allow himself to let go and be secure enough with themselves to cry.

I often wonder how many less suicides and people on pharmaceuticals there would be if we were all not given all these programs and rules to live up to in
order to be a good human. Currently I am seeing many people lose so much, as a large part of the american dream is being ripped to pieces.
Its strange because we are in such a position, we as a people it seems has become apathetic to some degree, granted for me personally after seeing
what they do to people who really try to counteract the system and or not support war, the patriot act, or the vanishing of billions of dollars which no one
can seem to explain, I get it on that level, and so really we the people are now at the mercy of those who own us so to speak. With the whole 2012
event around the corner the energies seem to be swirling, and on one side people are stocking seeds and guns and on the other waiting for Jesus
to come back and save us. Being that I really don't know whats going to happen in the next moment much less 2012 . I do know that I could be dead
tomorrow and I have already lived through the matrix bending and my reality shifting dramatically quickly that I am just going to work with whatever comes
my way.

That is all I can do, if I stay focused on what was I cannot work with what is ... but I have never placed much faith in anything other then the moment.
I have noticed recently amongst my travels and conversations, those who invested there energy into things which were tangible be it land, art, music,
or learning the skills to be able to float from one situation to another. Or in personally and spiritual development rather then just 401ks and stocks
are overall doing pretty good at the moment. Those who I have noticed suffering the most, are those who are holding on to what was, rather then
letting go and working to find a way to adapt to what is.

I was forced to adapt, my reality has been so dramatically shifted so many times it has taught me that despite the fact sometimes letting go
is more painful in the instant in the long run it allows the energy to go elsewhere and be used rather then lost into the endless halls....




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Jillian Ann
Jillian@JillianAnn.com
http://www.JillianAnn.com
http://www.Myspace.com/jillianann33
http://www.reverbnation.com/jillianann
http://www.twitter.com/jillianann

Moments split
Lost in translation
Time knows no time
Space bends from a distance
Some I feel deep within
Burned somewhere in my soul
When encountered
Face to face
Magic expands
As inspiration breathes
Speaking through
Flesh and bone
Causes hearts
To meet and meld

Then I walk away
Through airports
Cities amongst
Late night starlit
Empty streets
Without words
Flesh and bones
Hearts and eyes
I feel love from deep
Within pouring
From the skies
Into the ground
Below my feet
As if I was still there
Lost in the moment

When time stops
Souls meet
When heaven
Breaks through
All the noise
Distractions
Are seen for what
They are
That is a space
I like to visit
Lost in the moment
In the now
Heart to heart
Heaven to earth
Beating blending
Pouring through
Until I have nothing
Left but Bliss

This path is sometimes very difficult for me. I wish to someday tell the whole story my whole story, and yet that story is very intense, to the point of being almost unreal.
The story is scattered in a million peices all over the world captured in memories and images. I am the only one who knows the whole story and that story is what brought me here.
I came here because I wanted to be a flag for anyone who was told they would never overcome, survive, make it out alive, or be able to create a beautiful life despite the challenges which come.

There was a point in my life where I knew i could turn around, run and never take a stand or the stage, remain out the position in which I could both be a flag or attacked. As much as at times it was painful to continue despite the encounters with those who see me as "dark", evil, negitive, bad, fallen, rather then seeing that I went through some very intense things which all taught me very important lessons on compassion love and non judgement as well as the lesson that no matter where you have been or what happened you can still create something beautiful and inspire many.

Yet as someone who likes to be open and honest and direct I have yet to find a way to tell the whole story and so it continues to be told in fragmented peices. Yet i know that despite those who through little darts, I will continue to wave the flag, accept the darts and have faith that in the end what will be left is a flag left behind to blow in the wind and shine in the dark. For when I see someone inspired it inspires me to continue.

There are times where I have found myself in situations being judged or cut off , for reasons which are unjust, untrue, or created by fear projected. In those times the part of me which runs deeper then thought feels the energy and allows it to burn through, that being the only way to move beyond it.

I am blessed to have amazing friends, supporters, fans, and fellow artist who have embraced me and support me unconditionally, and who will go to fight for me, and I for them. But it doesn't mean at times the part of me that is a women, child, lover, and wishes for nothing but for us as humanity to understand we are all one, and we are all connected to be saddened when fear overcomes love and creates divison amongst those who are truely connected. This saddness runs deep for I feel below all of the worlds pain is fear and if fear could just be replaced with love and acceptance despite our differences life choices color race or sexuality.

Until then I will contimue to go plant flags where I can and leave behind as much as I can to inspire all I can.. for in the end I cannot take anything with me, I can only leave something behind...

without the dark
there is no light
without pain
there is no pleasure
without love
there is no life
when I put
myself out
there
reach out my hand
share words
touch
heart
ideas
dreams thoughts
I am aware
that once i
let it go
it is no longer
me but rather
a mirror
and some see me
as the brightest star
and others
as their greatest fear
a sinner a saint
a lover a whore
all these things
are but ripples
in the lake of thoughts
through the twist
of a hand
the movement of
life through energy
passing from
me out there
and then back around
again..
to be understood
is a gift
for more often then not
we are misunderstood
through the mirror
tainted in fear
reflecting back
not what is
but what we are
afraid could be
what is
we often
cannot see
for we are not even
here to see it
too consumed
within to see
outside
to see we
are together
we dance
all of us in the
same room
even if we don't see
each other
blinded by our
thoughts distracted
by the things
which keep us
from reaching
here
without being here
what is the point to being
...
what was
what will be
what can be
is only here
and all else
is reflections
in millions of
mirrors
burned within
our minds....

The Future of Food, GMO, Health, Your Food, Our Choice, Our Future, Your Health, Cancer+ Monsanto

First off I don't care how busy you are you have to watch all of this.. its very important for all of us here and then ideally make everyone you know do the same;) then below is my own personal thoughts regarding all this stuff. Or at least what I can fit into a blog that I am trying to keep somewhat short.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food




I grew up eating all American pre packaged fast food, not all the time but enough to know what it did to me. Frozen pizza hot dogs and vegetables that tasted like cardboard. I had no idea why as a kid but I had a feeling there was more to health then I was learning though my culture. This sent me on now a 16 year journey of reading everything and anything I could get my hands on about food, plants, herbs, medicines and drugs, and using myself as my own test baby with many of them. I rapidly learned that often what you see on tv or in print ( an AD ) is nothing more then something trying to convince you to buy something. Being in the modeling industry when I was younger I did work for companies like coke etc and once realizing that their product among with many others aren't going to make people healthy and often lead to the opposite .

Rather most major food companies Kraft, with is Merged with Nestle, Mcdonalads, Safeway, Heinz and so on which most Americans view as a name brand trusted to deliver food and drink to them and there children care about nothing except making lots of money off us. Sadly the ethics of many major food chains have gone down the toilet our food is filled with chemicals preservatives and dyes words we don't understand or hidden in titles like natural flavors. Sodium Nitrate can cause cancer, Monosodium Glutamate aka MSG often causes nausea and headaches among other thing, Food Coloring some has been known to cause thyroid cancer in rats and bladder cancer the list goes on if you look at the back of most food you get out of safeway, walmart, etc you will often see a list of words besides sugar that you don't understand.

My advice is if you don't know what it is don't eat it, this is your body would you have sex with someone you couldn't see didn't know and couldn't say there name. Food enters into your body and effects your mind body and spirit. It can heal you and make you beautiful inside and out or it can add layers and layers of fat filled with toxins making you feel heavy taxing your heart, lungs, kidney, liver etc leading to cancer, diabetes, and eventually often early painful expensive deaths. I personally have watched people die those deaths and watched the body which in America has been severed from our minds give up and give in after years of abuse often unknown to the host that they were slowly killing themselves. Now it seems a month isn't going by without hearing from one person or another in my world they or there loved one have cancer, tumors, growths, and some of these people eat "healthy" by American standards.

There are so many factors on what causes cancer, tumors, and so on, a strong body with a strong immune system can usually keep cancer and tumors viruses bird flu's swine flu's at bay but I recently had my body tested by one of the most cutting edge machines out and what is scary is according to this machine even those of us who are super healthy by American standards fall below where we should be granted for me it may have been the lack of sleep for each night you don't get enough sleep it affects your immune system. I am aware of this and it is one thing I need to work on . But the problem is our world is not what it used to be, we don't even know if we are eating real food or something made in a lab in china. The air we are breathing has chemicals and a million other things in it, what we bath in clean in live in all affect our body and often we are unaware till we get a tumor or cancer then all of the sudden people start trying to be healthy sometime people can reverse the damage and sometimes its too late.

Waiting till your sick to try to be aware of what your doing to your body by how you live and eat is not a good idea. Sadly it is subconsciously encouraged by the many industries who all profit off your unawareness if you don't know your food isn't real isn't good for you and there are other options then you will blindly continue to buy it and support them. If you do not know that your medicine actually in the long run causes more harm them good and you could actually resolve your "medical " condition through changing your lifestyle and diet and what you eat you may chose not to buy it and therefore be a loss the a pharmaceutical companies pocket. If you know that your Tied detergent may make you break out in a chemical rash ( like I have at the moment ) or your soap is what is causing all the zits on your back or the air freshener is actually helping your kid get asthma maybe you would change. But keeping you in the dark only believing the ads is
the point. Burry the truth deep below the surface so the masses don't see it till its too late.

The mergers happening in the land of food are going to cause more problems for us in our future, for our choices will be removed. The already have been without our awareness plants something that was here before monsanto and other major corporations are now being patented which means we no longer have the rights to do as we wish with them. We believe we live in a free country and with each passing day that becomes further and further from the truth. If they control the food and the water they control us. For without food and water we will all die unless we all somehow can master being a breatharian . If you care at all about your future or your children's or their children you have to do something for if we all do nothing the world being "created" for us is not a world in which we will be really cared for. Millions are starving because they lost all
they had to big companies who tricked them basically into a situation where they lost what they had believing they would gain something more. Sadly it seems real ethics
have gone out the window in many major companies like Monsanto . For many of the things they have done I would consider beyond cruel to people who worked hard
there entire lives with far better ethics then Monsanto.

Sadly we live in a world where the one who has the gold seems to win, even if its wrong, even if its messing with humanity and nature. Even if its a slow war on humanity
Due to the amount of merging and lack of diversity its seen everywhere but seems extremely dangerous when major corporations declare war on those who have been
growing our food and providing our water since the start of time. Nature is not meant to be owned, manipulated, altered. Do we really think we are smarter then nature
we are the ones who have thrown this whole world out of balance so much so that if we do not work swiftly to regain our own balance but also help our families the earth
and the world around us to come back into balance the lack of balance will only end in a cancer of the planet.

I became mostly an artist model in one way or another a long time ago, or working for designers I felt good about, makeup etc, because I didn't want to use my energy to
feed that cycle anymore then I already had and or do. I don't want you to buy things I wouldn't eat or drink because I look cool, that's what they do, they hire people to make you think if you eat , drink, or use there product you will be cool. Its a trick, it works apparently, we have a nation of consumers and really high rates of depression and suicide, not to mention cancer, diabetes, and unhappy people.

The programs that have been burned into our brains may not be correct and we have to question and challenge all of them until we can find the other side. If we can remember we have a choice then we do, if we forget because we are dazed by the shiny lights and the pretty faces selling us our poison then we won't .

After years of research I do my best to buy organic, local, fresh food and buy it from the people who grow it or as close as I can get. On the road this becomes difficult and so then I research to find a coop or a place to eat that buys local or even better buys local and grows there own food. When at home I go to the farmers market which if you live in the bay area and your not you need to they rock and the food is SO much better then the stuff you can even get at rainbow or whole foods. I buy it from the farmers, I can taste it smell it before I buy it. I can taste chemically treated food, I can smell it and my body doesn't like it. When in Austin shooting I forgot to tell them I only ate raw organic vegan food I just said raw vegan, I was shooting a bit outside of the city so it wasn't so easy to fix. I decided to eat it for a day and a half and see what happened. In
only a day and a half small bumps showed up on my face the kind that are the body trying to release toxins. When I went to Austin to play I did research and found a place
that had raw organic food, and then in Chicago I did the same in less then three days all the bumps were gone and didn't come back. My body was trying to push out the
chemicals from the food. Much of the worlds "acne" problem isn't just hormones but also the body trying to detox the chemicals in our food, soap, clothing etc. I had the worst skin growing up. So bad agents used to advise drugs for it, which I did, i tried all drugs, soaps, etc nothing worked. When I stopped eating anything not "organic and natural" and stopped using anything on my face and skin that I wouldn't eat ( and hair) except when I was shooting for I have no choice. My skin went from horrible to now i don't wear makeup and everyone says how beautiful it is. It wasn't my body that was the problem it was what I was doing to it that was the problem.

I believe you can live a happy beautiful life without being dragged down by one disorder or the other and you don't have to be a raw vegan that just what I feel is best for me and anyone who can do it. But you have to take control of your life and know what your doing to your body by what you put into it and onto it. One of the most disturbing things in america is that if food is Genetically Modified it is not "labeled" so you don't know if your eating it or if your feeding it to your child . In other countries it is illegal to
not say something is genetically modified and in America a first world country we have no clue what we are eating which is utterly disturbing. Because of this fact I will go out of my way to make sure something is organic and labeled non gmo if it is not then I won't eat it . I will skip a meal eat a apple drink green tea but I wont eat it I don't want to feel it coming out of my skin or messing with my genes.

The movie above is a most see and something everyone should see I don't care what you think you know or don't know watch it and share it because if we don't do something our children may not have real food to eat. As a lover of real food and food that taste amazing I want to do all I can to keep that food alive, which means doing it with my money, putting my money where my mouth is. I will spend the money to support local farmers and those who provide real food, for its important for me for you for our children and planet. Rather then buying something slightly cheaper and supporting the beast thats taking away our rights when it comes to our food and even our body.
Nature can't be owned.

Use your dollar to fight back and your mind to understand what is going on below the surface gloss

Jillian Ann
http://www.JillianAnn.com
http://www.twitter.com/JillianAnn



http://www.hulu.com/watch/67878/the-future-of-food

all photos by Billy Sheahan



Its been a bit since I wrote a entry for my journal. I think of it often like my friends but it gets lost behind trying to keep up with writing, recording, touring, modeling, sleeping, eating, love making, attempting to get to the gym, meditate, and over all stay somewhat balanced . It used to be easier to write, mainly because I was so removed from people, I lived behind my screen in my box with my friends and co creators but it was a cocoon and so I felt more free. I was less concerned about how what I may say may affect my reality and was much more open. I miss that sometimes the days where I said what I wanted with abandon, without worrying about it being in my file or being misunderstood and forever held against me.
But I feel like writing more often and as openly as I can without getting myself in too much trouble.



Performing at the Oregon Country fair was a epic experience, I have sadly had trouble at many of the big shows prior, my mic got unplugged at harmony, then I wasn't patched in to the main mix and so I heard me but the audience didn't which was hard because I worked so hard to have it all just ripped out . It taught me allot and that was last year, I continued to work and try to grow and find ways to work around any problem, and it seems the last run of shows we have done have all been very smooth despite a blown sub or a miscommunication here and there.
But I believe in the method of continuing to try and to grow and work hard, if things go wrong pick myself up dust myself off and do it all over again. The Oregon Country fair is old school I heard some of the stories of how it evolved out of the Merry Pranksters world. We were the first electronic band to be allowed to play the mainstage, it was a big deal because for years there has been a struggle and we were chosen to usher in a new era despite the controversy. It was raining, I posted something on my twitter regarding if they built us a bubble and someone who was at the fair responded " no but there is lots of mud". They were correct we arrived and after taking a good amount of time to get to the mainstage I went wondering around I was very happy to have worn my big black boots which can handle massive mud puddles. The fair felt pretty magical, lots of history, very warm, and there were all types of people there I didn't get to see the whole fair because I had to report back for the show, but I got a taste, in the rain and mud dressed for the stage in all black, watching the naked people roll in the mud and the children dive head first into the puddles of mud.



We performed in the rain, the audience was there in the rain, excited, supportive, very warm, it was one of the most magical shows i have ever played, I felt very connected to the audience, my microphone worked, and magic happened. We played two encores and then had to leave although it was like leaving after a first date with the longing to continue the night deep into the next day .The show ended and people thanked us, the rain continued and then I dived into the world a bit deeper. Many of the people I never get to see except when touring or at festivals were there, the forest was magical and we stayed for a few hours till close to midnight. Then we had to leave to return to the hotel, leaving the safe warm cozy magical forest and returning into the real world was a bit intense, the contrast between how I felt there and then under the bright lights, walmarts, 7 elevens, cop cars pulling over people, concrete and man made reality was hard to take for me. I wanted to stay there in the forest, under the trees, far awayI from the blue lights and the walmarts, the plastic covering where the trees used to be. But I knew i had to go, even though I wanted to stay and just crawl inside the earth and sleep under the trees. Its hard for me I have such a connection to nature that seeing it destroyed often leaves me feeling as if i lost someone i loved dearly.


We were in the city for a day, an explosion due to misunderstandings ripped through my reality and it ate up what little time I had between shows up. Then we left for lake TTahoe, to play another show , tahoe is a quirky place, this big beautiful lake with amazing natural art pieces then hotels, stores, casinos, a mixture of people, from the family types to those who are up all night playing with powder and drinking till words blend into nonsense. I enjoyed my time there, it was quirky, the subs had been blown by the show before us, but we played anyways, after the show people came up and thanked us, I talked to some of the ladies there for awhile after the show about the world we are in now and what and how we can do something to protect, love, heal it and each other. The next day we explored a bit, tried to go to secret cove beach but couldn't find it, and ended up hanging out with our friend there for a bit as well. He invited us to Reno to come see the glitch mob, and I really wanted to go cause steve rocks, but I felt the need to return to continue to work on new tunes and try to balance out a bit before the next shows in austin and chicago.



Returning home, we worked on music, my i phone app, went to the farmers market to get the best food on the planet and am now using the next few days to write a new song and work on starting another before heading out again on tuesday night. I am wishing I could clone myself for I feel very spread thin, not to a point of causing a melt down, but to the point of always feeling there is so much I want to do I just can't do because I can't seem to find enough hours in the day to keep up with everything, oversee everything, write, practice, rehearse, shoot, edit, sing, dance, move, I have so many ideas, visions, dreams and can't channel them as fast as they come and so I feel like I have a garden and I try my best to maintain it but sometimes I come out and a plant died because I didn't nurture it enough.


I am very excited about my iphone app though because i will be able to upload a new picture, or song, journal, video, tour-dates etc, and it will show up right away on your phone, that makes me happy, I want to be able to connect directly with my fans and community and I feel this will be a cool way to do it, and my poor website has been neglected for so long because if it comes to use my time to make art, music, tour, or model, or update my site, its my site that has been sacrificed, and I have slacked on myspace lately using twitter and facebook for the most part because I can do it from my phone and its fast. I am excited to release it and hope people enjoy it I spent a good amount of time putting lots of love and art into it, and hope it can inspire others.
I need to go work on music but will try to write more soon



J
xoxox
JillianAnn.com

me + film + music from punk meditations + tour van + i movie + coffee = Inner Stimulation

I have this memory its been burned in my head for years.. I was in Union Square, I had gotten a phone call from a man, one I was very much drawn too but at the same time afraid of. I sat there taking in the entire landscape, under the night, part of me wanted to go and dive in, the other part was holding back, sensing something, something that warned me if I dived in, If I let myself get involved I may end up in a place where the sun forgets to shine . I made the choice to risk whatever pain may come from going there even though even prior to getting there I knew I may end up picking up the pieces when it shattered.

I dived in head first, ripped open my walls, opened my heart, mind body and soul, and allowed myself despite my fear to fall in love, to really love someone, regardless of the part of me that didn't trust people, men, or pretty much anyone. After reaching a point where walls had begun to crumble and connects were burned deeper one day as it was storming the words which to me didn't ring of the end, were said. Because i've been on the otherside of abandonment, of not feeling loved, of being left, lied to , betrayed , I had made a pledge in my heart I wouldn't do that, and so then I was alone with my pledge.

I waited, for them to return for a long time, I kept reaching out, because despite what logic would say in my heart the love was still there and to this day I am not very good at not caring, sometimes I care so much and yet am aware either they don't care or I can't do anything and have sadly had to try to figure out how to respond to that. My best girlfriend now shows me how now because of being abandoned I am now afraid of it, and so as open as I am that feeling I had has grown and now ever act of caring, loving, connecting or letting people see "me" takes deep breathes and the cracking of my heart.

Its been cracking alot lately, I was with my best girlfriend and a friend, she started telling a story of someone who did the vanishing act on me and as she told the story, I felt my heart crack, a lump grow in my throat, and my eyes swell. The cracks in my heart I have glued back together sometimes split apart and all that I hold inside comes pouring out. As it happened I felt loved and safe, I felt like I was with people that at least if they were going to vanish would tell me and at least then I could try to make sense of it all. Abandonment is one thing, vanishing without explaining why, is a whole other thing. One that has left insecurities burned into my subconscious, as she pointed out, if I don't hear from her I respond usually wondering what i did wrong. Because whats burned inside of me, so deep that be it true or not its what my heart feels and believes to a degree is that if someone leaves, if someone vanishes, if someone ends our connection its because I did something wrong, or bad or wasn't good enough.

My heart wants to put up walls, and has, and I keep trying to force myself back into the open, and to open it up and tear down the walls, inside my bones and skin often is a struggle, for I don't want to not be able to love, to give, to be open, connected and really fucking care, like family, like lovers, like a child before realizing that people all have different views and some view love and relationships as disposable napkins they use and throw away. I see love and my interactions with people be it through work or friends as the only thing that really matters, which I suppose is why I have the desire sometimes to either cut that part of myself out because it cares to much, or cut off my feelings for people I love, because then if they abandon or vanish or just decide I am unworthy, it hurts, ...

I don't want to have my heart detached i don't want to be numb, I don't want to end up capable of not caring, granted sometimes I cut off my heart and act against its will, its usually painful and right now part of me is having to do that, but I often find myself feeling like a fool, a lost child, at a door knocking and calling out " can't we talk about this" , I find myself returning to people through letters or emails or calls trying to find a space of understanding, for if love a close connection is going to end, I can deal with it so much better if i understand why, if its talked about, if I find some clouser, without that it just feels like someone stuck a fish hook in my heart and is pulling on the string from the otherside..

Sometimes love changes faces, I find that what I give comes back, eventually, sometimes i feel really alone, and isolated, but it seems anytime my heart gets a hole, someone leaves abandons or changes from someone who once was a soulmate, best friend, creative partner, etc leaves someone else eventually comes around that fits into the empty space. Then it just takes the strength and hope to open up and let someone in, even though I know that no matter how much I love someone, no matter how much I care, no matter how much I give, how much I vow forever, they could walk away tomorrow... Now I open the doors, sadly it takes me longer then it used too, I wish it didn't I wish I could be less jaded, more trusting, more open, and I am in many ways, I am incapable of being close to people for awhile and not caring, sometimes I care to the point of distancing myself because i know they won't care and I would just be pouring out my heart into a wall.

Part of me though will pour my heart into a wall hoping eventually to break it down, for once I connect with someone its hard for me just to walk away, and never return....My friends and G are very protective of me I understand why, because its them I call in tears, its them who see me when it hits, I let them see me now, I keep trying to let these walls down, even though part of me wants to put them up. I don't want to end up letting the wolf driven by fear of abandonment, loss, heart ache, betrayal, win over the wolf that is driven by love...
Sometimes I don't know what to do with it, sometimes I can't resolve things, sometimes they won't communicate, sometimes I have to take all of the love that was theirs and pour it into the sky and the earth ....

I want to care, I want to feel love, a love that sometimes overwhelms me, a love I want to share, despite the response, despite how it ends, I don't want to end up like those who no longer live driven by love, but driven by another force, often those other forces consume the space that once belonged to love, leaving them hollow in the end. Everything I have been doing i have been doing through my heart, be it making music, or modeling, my time with people, I have let it crack open, let the walls start to get ripped down hopefully for good and sometimes its far more painful to live with way, because I fucking care, I care about the people I work with, I live with, I see, and sometimes when I see something coming, illness, death, depression, and I try to do something to intervene, but quickly see I can't stop it, unless we work together, it can be hard, but i keep doing it,i keep being ....for someday I hope to be nothing but love,

love is an energy, it is what brings hope, what inspires, what heals, what revives, what makes us aware.... if I love, then I have to think about how what I do will affect you, the world, all those i know and never will know, it creates a desire to love not just my friends, but everything, the planet, the animals, strangers, and yet i live in a world where love seems like a religion thats been all twisted..... its become something attached to one aspect often more then all, love to me is physical, emotional, spiritual, its everything, it is all of my being, and all of my being is connected to everyone else, the world, and everything within and without.

I should be sleeping... but I am flying across the country on a red eye.. sleep is elusive

On May 4, 2009, at 3:55 PM, Jillian Ann wrote:

I'm feeling fuzzy I only got like 4 hours of sleep, its strange its lights computers noise I can't sleep with them and he can't seem to sleep without them. I cover the LCD lights as much as possible, but last night I started watching " Lost World" and I never watch movies because I get so sucked in, I can't pull myself away I become one with the characters. This one was about native americans, a world and culture I find fascinating I wish I knew more about and at times feel like I would do better there and then, rather then here and now. I recently had a dream I was walking across a great canyon, a big beautiful canyon, but it was as if the earth had changed its shape, and then in the canyon I found a baby white wolf, I picked up the white wolf and wrapped it in clothing which had a big pocket for it, and took it with me and it became a friend. It was such a magical dream the white wolf was so beautiful, I miss having animals around ( I grew up with lots of them) I miss living in a place where I can grow food and lay in the grass, and when I get too far away from nature for too long I start feeling lost. Someday I want to have a house where I can grow food and lay in the grass, and have animals, maybe my own white wolf of sorts I have a very deep affection for animals, and plants, someday I want to live in a place where I don't have to go seek nature and am lucky if I get to it a few times a week but a place where I am in nature. I always feel at home in nature, safe, and animals I tend to usually get along with very well. People on the other hand I often find confusing...

Someday .. Being an artist though I have put my art first for so long, and continue to, yet throughout all of it trying to keep some connection to nature to spirit has been something I have worked on, but it seems everyday it's slipping further away, the busier I am the less time I have to just "be" one with nature and sometimes it makes me feel a bit lost. Last night in my dream I was in Venice , in a boat seeing the entire city, but then someone told me not to touch the water because it had poison in it. As I travel as I see the world sometimes it's shocking to me how removed from nature and self people are. I live in a world which if I never left my world I would think the universe is ok, most the people in my world try or are at least open to thinking about things like how we are all one and connected and that means to our animals and planet not just other americans . My world is pretty beautiful and safe, but sometimes I leave my bubble and dive back into the other worlds, and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it because it just seems unnatural, inhuman, like the twilight zone on a bad trip.

After diving in as deep as I could on the rabbit hole on the swine flu, I have come to believe that like SO many EVENTS in our "media" manipulated world that there is more then meets the eye. For one thing why was the mainstream press completely ignoring and not mentioning all the natural ANTI VIRAL treatments? Why is it all about a vaccine ? and haven't we learned through history ( Bayer + Aids ) that many pharmaceutical companies will go to ANY length including killing people to make millions. I mean History has taught us or are we not paying attention, Tamiflu's stocks sure went up, and apparently US and UK have bought a good amount of this stuff and its been sitting on the shelf, so without a "outbreak" of swine flu the company will lose money. Now the media has proven we will shut schools and utterly panic without much "evidence" for all we know ALL those people who died didn't actually die from the "swine flu" we don't really know , they weren't interviewed they were in the hospital right? and umm they don't interview people in the hospital? Really? Meanwhile laws are passed while everyone is under the trance of the media induced panic.

Ironically Baxter (http://www.naturalnews.com/025760.html) Deerfield, Illinois-based pharmaceutical company Baxter International Inc. was caught shipping live avian flu viruses mixed with vaccine material to medical distributors in 18 countries and that was in MARCH... so wait a second we are supposed to TRUST that a vaccine will keep us from getting ill ? but how is that possible when WE know its a fact that for whatever reason more then once things that make people very sick or kill them have been "accidently" shipped and distributed ( bayer, baxter) Now I like to live in my bubble the one where people actually care about each other and love each other but this stuff turns my stomach.

So what does the future hold? our planet is nicely overpopulated? its seems that a real virus will break out one way or another ( even if they and I don't know who they are ) do it on purpose like lacing vaccines with it. Many of my friends don't get vaccinated and or vaccinate their children and in this day and age I wouldn't either. Baxter the same company that was caught shipping live avian flu viruses mixed with the vaccine is the same people working with the WHO on how to deal with Swine flu? And this isn't something we are hearing about in the news. All of the panic all the vaccines now shipped because of all the panic are still there and so far we haven't all freaked out and run to get something that we don't even know what it is shot in our bodies because we are scared.

The words mandatory vaccine freak me out about as much as having a chip stuck in my body, I like my body the way it is minus electronics or vaccines I didn't make myself from plants herbs and things I know won't actually kill me or make me sicker. Because of the panic and laws recently pushed through many feel a mandatory vaccine will be another phase of this wonderful circus of confusion " http://globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=13466 " now I for one am not going to have ANYONE tell me what to shoot in my body if I want to shoot anything in my body I want to do it because I want to not because someone MADE me. I will get on a plane the moment I hear mandatory anything and go to whatever country is not playing along with the game and work on my music and art their till it blows over . Granted it hasn't happened yet but I can see how most of us would do it, fear makes us do stupid things.

Right when all of this was happening I had been around hundreds of people and in lots of planes one day my throat , lungs and chest got really weird and bad feeling, it took days to go away, but then a friend of mine gave me some medicine, ( american indian based) the medicine has been known to heal many but with some it reacts in a way which has been very intense. When taking very serious herbs plants I feel you must respect them and treat them as medicine, at that point I had been sick for days and was unable to shake it I took two of them and felt it, it was a little intense so I lowered my dosage to one. Within two days I felt completely better, granted I know with other herbs one dose can heal you another can kill you its all about balance. I haven't been sick in so long and so I took a good hard look at my lifestyle in my days of nothing but sleep and rest. I was encouraged to make some changes and so I have, even though they are painful. As much as I love wine, and coffee, those things are off the list for now, because it's not healthy to avoid sleep through caffeine all the time, and sugar, is gone, completely gone, except green apples and a few berries at least for a while. As difficult as this was the first few days ( me = caffeine addict) I have been doing it and have cut my caffeine intake to zero or 1 cup of green tea or matte a day. I realized that my best defense against any illness is balance and because I love extremes the middle path isn't so easy, one cup of coffee becomes three, I can make and break habits quickly. So I am cutting back on things that are acidic because I feel I wouldn't had gotten sick if I hadn't not slept, and used wine, coffee, etc to get through for days..

Its hard I have so much I want to do, and sleeping always feels like I am not getting it done, and yet another part of me longs to lay under the clouds in the grass and download from the other-worlds a million visions. Finding balance in a world that seems so beautiful and heartbreaking all at once is very difficult for me, I feel like a creature from another plant sometimes, I am going to vipassana for a few days I am excited about that it always helps me center myself and reconnect to that space where everything is. I am preparing to finish some tunes then go on a month long tour/shoot covering a good chunk of places which will require me to be healthy and so from now till then I am focusing on finishing my songs and doing some deep cleansing, and healing and trying to find balance in myself, not to beat myself with my own whip to the point of falling down...

Sometimes fear and insecurity and creep in and be the master with the whip always beating on me saying I am not good enough it's not good enough and although I am much further away then I used to be, its still there a program I am still deprogramming, ... being in a place with nothing and no one sometimes helps me remember I will exists with or without stages, songs, the sales of records, touring, shoots, .. sometimes in all the shows, songs, shoots, and constant buzz I get caught up in that world where my master is a program in my head, not my spirit.. the earth nature, silence and some people remind me it's not..

I feel before one may be reborn they may die, I am letting somethings die so there is room for others to live...

j

photo by nikki sixx

I live in my glass castle

My feelings safely frozen
behind the glass
Under the wires
Kept from breaking through
The screen
Into songs I pour
All the things
I long to say
That stay
locked in the glass castle
Its lonely
when you speak
but they don't understand
when you cry
and they can't relate
when you want to break
out of the glass castle
but your hands are tied

Someday
I am going to shatter this
Break it into a million pieces
Rip off the gag
tear off the ropes
Be free again
Someday
I'll destroy the castle
with all the things
I am not allowed to say
Till then
I stay in my glass castle
and the only ones who know me
are the ones who
can see me
behind the glass
and under the water
past the surface
and projections
but they don't live
in the glass castle
they live outside
in a world
without guards
to manage
there very words

I visit them sometimes
I always feel free
as if they knew me
for a thousand years
No glass
no walls
no barriers
no guards
keeping me safe

Someday I am going to
destroy my glass castle
for its become a cage
Shatter it into a million pieces
and only then will I be free
If I can remember who I am
who I was
Then again
Sometimes I feel like
I am seventeen all over again
About to run away
To just leave everything
I was
Leave everything
and go
follow the spirit
the muse
for I can't hear them
I can't hear them in the castle
The walls are keeping them out
Too much noise
Not enough silence
Not enough space
The chord
Feels disconnected

Outside
I seek to find silence
roaming in the night
but people are everywhere
noise
wires
walls
I am starting to feel
Lost
In my glass castle
Built out of dreams
as they always are
But sometimes dreams
have a way of changing

I claw at the walls
they cut my hands
I scream at guards
But I still can't get out
After awhile
its too hard to fight
So I just accept
This is it
and write songs
in my glass castle
about other times
and other places

But someday
I will escape
my glass castle

In these moments
I want to curl up
under the stars
By the sea
unplugged
free

But rather
I am chained
to boxes
to wires
to things I can't see
pulling me
to peices

In these moments
I want to go back
to a time
before
when all I had to do
was play music
make art
and spend half my day
with nature

I am burning
not out
just burning
longing
hoping
if I get to the end
if i can just keep
going
keep burning
someday
I will be back
there

until then
I am here

Its been a moment since I have written, I have been working on my music, we booked OZ and a studio to mix down mid May so from now until then I am trying to keep life simple.
Work on music, work out, write, and shoot , sleep, eat and sometimes double task rehearse while cleaning etc. Yesterday we went to the farmers market on the way there I saw as usual a protest.
I see lots of protest and yet they never seem to change anything, our oceans are still dying, people are still starving, and now more and more people are afraid of something or have lost something.
In New York on the Subway a man walked by me, I got a feeling deep inside, and curled up making myself as invisible as possible, after passing me he took out a bottle and started hitting women with it, in the face and then dumped soda all over them , it was strange, as soon as the train stopped I got off and waited till he was gone. The tension is expanding, fear feed, media induced.

In the last few months many photographers I know have been ill, many have lost jobs, those running companies have been laying off people, and my former neighbor came by yesterday telling me work had dried up. It seems all is headed towards a head, a peak, as in most cycles things rise and fall, empires, orgasms, corporations, kingdoms, religions... it's the cycle some say we are on the verge of the 6th mass extinction, and if I add up all the puzzle pieces, sick oceans, polluted air, weakened immune systems, the FED being a private corporation, the only stability I see is within. Living in San Francisco reminds me daily tomorrow all I have here all I built this pretty house/temple I live in may be gone, and then I must migrate.

I often feel like I came from some other time, I live places then I leave and often when I leave I leave most of it behind, and yet I always do fine. Then again at 17 when I ran away from home and had nothing no resources I survived I was ok. But inside I always had the whole world and outside only reflects whats inside and all that there is, is really inside. Outside is as water it shifts it changes form, kingdoms rise, kingdoms fall, and when they say the strong survive its not about how much you can bench press or how much you have invested in the stock markets because at the end of the day it is all like water constantly changing shape and form. In the moment I am grateful for what I have, and if this is gone I know there will be another place, if I have to migrate I will, and sometimes migrating is crucial to survival.

Migration is not just about moving, but change. Things are trying to shift, pulling apart from each other, I feel a large part of the world is hell bent on seeing the " end" and there are others who are scared of the " end" and then there are those that see no end only change. Some religions are convinced it's ok to help the world go to hell and to rape it and use it and pollute it and care not for how it hurts the planet or the rest of the world or people and creatures living here. They are also convinced someone is going to come out of the sky and take them to another place to live.... This makes no sense why would a God or a being of awareness and love save a bunch of people who destroyed an entire planet, take them off this one so they can destroy another one? I don't think so, I really doubt thats going to happen so if I were them I wouldn't be trying to bring the God/Savior back because I don't think it's going to end like that, " Ah yes everyone now that you have trashed this place let me give you a new one to destroy"

I am not expecting a savior to come rescue me, I am trying to do whatever I can to be part of the shift working in the direction of healing, nurturing, and counteracting the mindset it's ok to rape each other the earth and just use each other the planet. I am very aware of my use of the planet, and its hard being aware of it, because I wish I could be doing more to give back then to take, and what I take I try to take from an aware state. Even then its hard because I can be a vegan, I can eat local food, I can recycle, I can try to encourage everyone else to make choices from an aware place, eat meat that was humanly treated and killed, and basically remember we are all connected and we are all dependent on this planet and every action affects everything everywhere.

Many have been told if we make these little changes its worthless, or useless in the big picture, but we aren't powerless, and making little changes does make big changes in the big picture. Being aware means thinking about more then ourselves and instant gratification, but on how our choices will affect each other and the planet. When I see the protest I wonder are they protesting with their lifestyle? With their pocket book? Because if millions of us stopped supporting those who trashed the planet and who were injust and harmful to humans animals and the planet then they wouldn't last forever, if we did use our money time and energy to support those who were doing things in a just and aware way then they would grow more powerful. Protest with your pocket book and with your lifestyle, for I feel that is a way we can force change. But protesting with your pocket book and your lifestyle requires awareness, for even many " green" companies are not so green. I buy food as much as I can from farmers markets, clothing as much as I can second hand for from designers directly, I find things on the street and recycle them paint them and use them in my home ( or thrift stores) as much as I can , all these little things add up. I try to carry my own water bottle and coffee cup ( sometimes I fail) I only use body care I can eat, and so can the earth when it goes down the drain and the same with stuff in the house to clean. It's not that much more expensive and I am actively protesting with my wallet and with my lifestyle.

Its simple buy local, buy as close to the source as possible, as close to the ground as possible, as organic as possible, and for clothing, cars, furniture, etc, recycling what is out there is always good. Meat dairy etc, I feel its important if you are choosing to eat meat and dairy you buy grass feed organic free range and ideally killed humanly which excludes a large amount of the meat and dairy out there. For the way we treat our animals reflects our awareness. I could go on, but it would take a moment, but one thing I do is try to trace things back to its source, read everything in the ingredients, and be very aware.
Health is vital for survival, a weakened immune system can be a death sentence, the body does much better when its fed real food, the earth does better and all around its better for everyone everywhere.
Health and awareness, are worth more then houses and cars, I know if I am healthy and strong I can survive, in the woods, in cities, with or without my bank account.

We used to roam the earth, we used to migrate, we used to talk to the earths spirit, we used to sleep on the ground, and we did fine, we have not really progressed when our progress has disconnected many of us from our souls, each other and the planet.

I am sharing pictures of my home, please enjoy...

much love
and protest
with your wallet
and your lifestyle


Food is medicine













Some of my fans send me art I have lots of it here and LOVE it

During the day I put on my heels, corsets makeup and expressed a part of myself, after the shoot I returned to a beautiful hotel room, walking back to the room I noticed it wasn't very cold and decided to go running outside rather then in the gym. It's so easy to forget my roots to forget what feeds my spirit, this world seems to cater more to forgetting to feed your soul then to feed it. Running has always made me feel connected be it to a Jaguar or a horse, beautiful creatures who move so fast and at ease, I love the feeling of finding the wall and pushing it, the feeling of strength of being able to move through the night like a cat. Running at night has always been a bit of a thing for me when dwelling in cities and even in the country for at night it's usually me the animals, nature and the sky. People with the constant hustle and bustle chatter and noise are gone and it is then where I feel more at home. In New York often I would walk around till three or sometimes four in the morning, over the bridges, into the heart of Brooklyn, I remember often going to the park after hours just to be in the silence. The night always felt safer to me then the day for in the day I just felt overwhelmed with all the noise. Many of my friends loved ones and others have worried about my night runs or walks, but for me I feel because there is less humans I feel more safe, like the animals, who hide themselves from us more often then not, I have often felt more connected to them, the wild animals who cover themselves in the night behind the stones make themselves unseen then people.




I ran to the temple, the big famous Mormon one,I have been told they hire ex fbi agents for security, I can feel something watching me, but I go there because it's the closest place I know to my hotel where there are trees, plants, and grass, water, and stone. I circled the grounds a few times till I dropped out of running into a meditation state, with the water, placing hands on the trees, listening, communing with nature, in a state of pure bliss, tuning into the energies of the plants, trees, and water and communicating with it. Making myself invisible so I wasn't disturbed by the security coming to remove me, it started to drop in temperature, I found a large space of grass, wrapped myself under my black sweater and black yoga pants and sat mediation style with my hands on the ground. I sat there in the silence with the sound of water and wind with my hands in the grass as everything became colder and yet I found the energy the flow and then started playing with it, moving it with love through the plants water and wind and as I danced with it, it danced with me in a state of awe and bliss. Then it was time to go, I ran all the way back to my hotel, through the streets, through the grass, the silent streets, with the mountains and wind watching over me.



The next night after shooting I returned home to find a cat outside of my hotel room, I stopped to pet the cat and felt a bit sorry for it,but then it reminded me it had a fur coat and unlike me was used to the snow which had coated everything during the day. Because of the snow running outside was a bit more challenging and I had packed light so I only had my running shoes, no boots no snow clothing, so I went to the gym after writing for a bit the gym was empty, I turned off the TV I have a hard time running near TVs for the energy it releases I can actually feel in my body and often hear a very strange frequency . Often in Gyms I go late when not many people are there and unless its music videos I usually try to turn off the tv's if no one is watching them, I find them disrupting to my energy cycles. I know they are a tool but I feel they are getting out of control. After running I returned to my room, my cat visitor had vanished , I poured a bath and spent a long time in there playing with energy, in my body in the water, the currents that are always here and as real as our skin and bones.



These rituals have been with me since childhood, I always was drawn to energy, nature, art, music, expression, openness, and the exchange of energy. Yet I was raised to only practice rituals that to me felt devoid of energy and connection to the divine energy which I can feel in almost anything. Sometimes with some people its harder to feel them and with others I feel them in every ounce of my being. What was instinctive as a child I have learned has many names, and over the years I have learned a good bit and continue to seek, because I love to grow and to learn. Just as much as I love to run, and connect be it with nature, animals, plants, creation, the divine through the millions of portals which are everywhere. I love to connect with people as well but many have walls and or fear gets in the way, others are often so disconnected from themselves its like connecting to a TV flipping through a thousand stations at once.

I feel through if we are going to survive and or advance as a species we must reconnect to our source for I feel most if not all of our so called problems starts with the lack of connection. Staying connected has been something I have tried to stop, at times because I felt like I was a different species I felt more connected to animals and nature then people for a long time, now there are people I feel very connected to but many are very connected to the source to energy and aware and are always learning and growing. I remember once I tried to watch tv, dress like everyone else, and blend in, I couldn't do it, my spirit got restless, angry, and so I stopped trying to fit in, I just accepted I was who I was. Over the years I have done somethings which may people are afraid of, I have dived into worlds and explored many things, during the process I never felt I was " bad " or doing anything " wrong " I was just learning, growing, and exploring, hands on, full force, for thats the way I do things, all the way, all or nothing, with a lust for life. I just feel many people seem so sad, depressed, blocked, empty, and low energy, and I feel all this fear of feeling be is sexual or spiritual, ritual or divine, keeps so many depressed. I don't believe being happy, enjoying life, making heaven on earth is expensive or requires following thousands or rules but just really connecting and enjoying all life has to offer be it what it is, the hot the cold, nothing or everything, alone or with someone, full or empty.

Then again, I have been through so many intense things, things that many fear, dread, worry about, or run from, and all of it taught me this......there is beauty and love to be found in everything it is everywhere and the only thing that keeps me from it is me. ....

Right now the sunset is happening in the sky as I fly over it as if I was a bird with wings or even better a dragon, a flying one, I have always wanted to meet one ,.. Back to San Francisco till friday and then back to LA, where the sun shines and the oceans runs side by side with the cars and concrete the noise and sounds of a city as she moves and moans under a million lives....

Morgellons: a new disease that I feel we must all be educated on and aware of
Hi
I am sending this just because as someone who is always trying to keep up with health and healing and keep loved ones and others informed, I don't know where this is going but its crossed my pathway many times and so I have been doing some research. I feel its best to be educated prior to there being a real issue. Its all about prevention and with many disease prevention and keeping a body strong an immune system kicking and awareness and education can help prevent illness. The following information is pretty intense and I hope medical professionals, healers etc can find ways to cure and or help prevent prevent. The following information is just some of the information I have researched. For those involved in non profit or medical work I feel this is something that may expanding , and I feel also that they are suppressing the information as well as the severeness of this on mainstream media to avoid a panic. No one really knows what causes Morgellons, it is spreading and more and more cases are being reported, there are theories from a batched bio chemical government experiment , chemtrails, GMO, and so on. They do not know how its spreading, but its like something out of a alien movie, threads grow out of peoples skin, eyes, etc amongst other very intense issues. Because the cause has not been determined and neither has the cure I feel we are all in this as one and granted I am aware there are other illnesses out there which threaten humanity and or already are causing masses amounts of casualties. But I feel this one is like diseases such as AIDS which until we understand fully and know how to treat will cause mass suffering and potential death. I know this is not a pleasant thing to discuss and or research but i feel only through awareness and education can we start to do anything about it.
Because this disease seems so unreal part of me feels it could very well be a reaction to actions be it GMO or the chemicals we have dumped onto our planet unaware of their long term effects. This being said I would urge everyone to avoid GMO, do as much as you can to protect your body, the world and others through awareness and conscious choices be it through what you consume to what you waste.
There are doctors and non profits starting to form to research and to help try to figure out what is happening here. Many people who have this have not reported it many in fear of the possibility of being quarantined like lepers. This being said I hope that somehow through this getting out there and awareness of it more energy can be put toward healing and finding a way to counteract this reaction or disease. I personally hope that we can use our science research funding and energy to heal rather then consume and or kill. As one of the wealthiest countries in the world even in our economic times I also feel we must take initiative in utilizing our energy collectively to find a way to keep this from becoming the next AIDS or Black Plague so to speak. Granted I do know how nature does emb and flow and things expand and contract but I feel that this is something which is causing great suffering to our extended family and that being said I am going to try to bring it to the worlds attention. For without understanding how can we heal and or find a cure.
So I am passing the below along to you as well as links to further information. This information is meant to be educational not to frighten you, sometimes things seem intense and or dark and the only way to work with them is to look at them directly and seek to understand them.
Thanks for your time no need to respond

With Love
Jillian Ann
ps I feel this information needs to get out to the medical,healing, etc professionals as soon as possible if it is not already I feel it is starting to get out there through the underground but don't know if its reaching lots of the others
Morgellons: Expert Says Awareness and Early Treatment are Paramount
by Barbara Minton, Natural Health Editor
See all articles by this author
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(NaturalNews) Morgellons is a terrifying disease reaching pandemic status. Yet because the symptoms of the disease are so bizarre, people who have it tend to withdraw and become isolated from society. With mysterious fibers and parasites coming through lesions in their skin, Morgellons sufferers often live in fear. As a result there is no pressure on the medical establishment to become educated about the disease, and most practitioners continue to view it as isolated instances of delusional parasitosis. Because Morgellons affects cognitive functioning and the ability to communicate, its victims are often unable to advocate for themselves, and few are knowledgeable or willing to advocate for them. Trisha Springstead, a former surgical charge nurse and clinical educator who now works as an advocate for patient's rights, has stepped in to fill some of this gap. Both knowledgeable and experienced with Morgellons, Trisha agreed to be interviewed to provide the kind of insight into the disease that can only come from direct experience.

Barbara: Trisha, thank you for doing this interview. It's time for information about this disease to become widely available. Hopefully this is a start. Is incidence of Morgellons confined to the U.S.?

Trisha: Morgellons is everywhere. It's in Australia, England, Germany. The only country where people have not reported cases of Moregllons is Iceland. Dr. Neculai Dulceanu, Head of the Department of Parasitology in Romania just scraped these from the skin of a 75 year old woman there [shows slides of fibers and parasites]. He found Rotifers and Collembola in her skin using a needle aspiration biopsy. As you can see, this shows how the fibers and parasites are intermixed. When you look deep enough into the skin, this is what you find.

No one truly knows how many people have this disease, as many of the persons I have spoken with have not reported to any database. Most people with Morgellons seem to think they are the only ones who have it, so awareness is paramount. It is so important for me to let new patients know they are not alone, and that there are thousands and thousands of people with this disease.

What I have seen is that so very many people are isolating themselves. With increased awareness and validation, I am beginning to get phone calls from isolated people who have only had this disease for a short time, like five months. These people get referred to me by word of mouth and my name is all over the internet. When people with the disease peruse the internet they find my name and email me or call me. This is the best time to get patients, because at this point they just have the crawling and biting sensations. The disease is not yet full blown. Last week I had 30 calls. I have a phone number that is in my lab, and young people in their twenties and thirties are calling. This is because they are internet savvy.

I've set up an internet reporting site where people can report that they suspect they have Morgellons. I send those reports to my Congresswoman Ginny Brown Waite. Congresswoman Waite sent a letter to the head of the CDC in May of 2007. Now there is a new head at the CDC and we are back and square one tying to get them to understand what is going on.

Barbara: Tell me some numbers so we can get a feel for the scope of the disease as it is now.

Trisha: The Morgellons Research Foundation has over 13,561 reported families. Not persons, but families. Oklahoma State University has over 20,000 families registered. About 600 people have reported their disease to me, and some have reported to the CDC. My source at CDC told me that this is the most reported disease entity since the reports of HIV/AIDS. And yet so many people have not reported out of fear. The CDC wants to keep it quiet because they are afraid of mass hysteria and mass pandemonium.

There is a huge concern among many sufferers that they are going to be rounded up and put in a camp like lepers, so they don't report.

My husband is an orthopedic surgeon. He has seen six Morgellons partients come into his office, in a very small town, Brookville. These people just happened to come to him for their joint problems, and I have taught him what to look for to diagnose Morgellons. Barbara, if he has seen six right here, it means there is a huge epidemic. And since it is world wide, it is a pandemic.

The sufferers are frenzied, and scared. I can tell you with utmost certainty, at this point in the syndrome there is not a state large enough to hold all these sufferers. Look at the numbers from Oklahoma State University. The people with this disease are so secretive and opaque that this 20,000 is just the tip of the iceberg in my estimation.

I have a teleconference call every Tuesday evening with nurses from Florida to Alaska who are working with Morgellons sufferers. Last evening we went from 9 pm to 12:30 in the morning. I spoke to them regarding advocacy and how to help raise awareness. If you are interested I will see if they wouldn't mind getting you in on the next phone call. It is the nurses that are the ones who are giving out information and trying to help others and teach the doctors about this emerging pandemic.

Barbara: I'm almost afraid to ask this, but is the disease contagious?

Trisha: The jury is out on that as far as I am concerned. Many of the nurses caring for these people in hiding do not have the disease. I believe some can be contagious but I truly believe that would be the exception and not the rule. Do I believe that some were exposed to something else at the same time they contracted this...absolutely. I interviewed the captain of a boat on Monday and I spent five hours in their home. They were the most kind and decent people. The husband has the disease, but the wife and children do not. I hugged them all and did a very in depth assessment. Dr. Randy Wymore does not have the disease, and all the doctors I work with except two of them do not have the disease. Hundreds of people I have spoken with have one or two family members that have the disease, and the rest do not.

Barbara: What happens to people who are so reluctant to come forth?

Trisha: Since doctors are so unresponsive to these people, they have gone to the internet. There are boards all over where people talk about this disease. There are many videos on YouTube. They are giving each other advice and there are no medical professionals there to tell them whoa...hold on...please don't bathe in bleach, ammonia or toxic chemicals. Hold up on the dangerous advice. People who listen to this type of advice are going to have to make a decision in a few years about what type of lung cancer treatment they want. Or they will be looking for a liver transplant, because they have poisoned themselves. People with Morgellons become very desperate and understandably so, but treating themselves with chemicals they don't understand is so dangerous. Some take de-wormers and Ivermectin or Albendazole for the weight of a horse because they don't know how to calculate kilograms of body weight, and they get the stuff from a vet or a feed store.

Barbara: What is the knowledge about how Morgellons is transmitted?

Trisha: No one knows for certain how it is being transmitted. GMOs certainly have not been ruled out. Actually, nothing has been ruled out. I keep going back to water, soil, mold and pesticides. Water, soil, mold and pesticides, but I haven't as yet been able to get beyond that to a true understanding. I personally believe that it is man's misuse of the earth with Frankenscience, GMOs, and thinking they can rearrange natural ecosystems of the earth that has created this mess. I believe the disease is also vector borne in many cases. Some of the people I have spoken with distinctly remember a bite, then a red, raised area on the skin. Then it became a rash, ulcers and full blown lesions all over their bodies. Then the bugs. The bugs are the progression of Morgellons. No doubt about it. The sicker the patients become, the more the parasites build up in the body, the deeper the brain fog, and then they begin purging out bugs.

Vitaly Citovsky at Stonybrook in New York studied the fibers of 10 patients and said they had Agrobacterium Tumafaciens in their bodies (the bacterium that causes crown gall disease in plants), but what amazed him the most was that he found a biofilm on the skins of these people. It is almost like a pseudo skin. We have to penetrate that biofilm and draw this stuff out of the body or these people will never get better. If you don't, it will stay in the skin and get worse.

Dr. Kalani said the fibers from Morgellons patients were fungal. Because the body becomes like soil, fungus is attracted. The fibers are coated with the Agobacterium, which is a pathogenic fungus also known as Agent Green. Whether it is getting in the lungs, being ingested, or is vector borne or transmitted sweat to sweat is the big question.

I took slides to my friend who is an entomologist and we found fungal hyphae, alternarium, and pathogenic funguses on the slides. These are not things that grow in humans. They are organisms that grow in plants. So the human bodies of these sufferers are becoming like soil and that does that attract? Fungus, mold and parasites.

The bodies of people with Morgellons become very acidic and so we are working with pH buffers. Johns Hopkins and even Harvard have proven that many chronic diseases, especially cancer, cannot survive in a perfectly alkaline body. So, just as we raise soil alkalinity to make it more hospitable to plant life, we must alkalinize the body to fight these pathogens. If you look at my website, there is an alkaline chart and an 80% alkaline, 20% acidic diet is on there. But if you can't do it with diet, you can buffer your pH safely. There are websites that have great pH buffers and teach sufferers how to check their urine twice a day. If they are too acidic, they can take two buffers and not the whole bottle, and check their urine again in the evening.

We have so many people who worked at the Aberdeen Proving grounds (site of munitions testing in Maryland) that now have Morgellons. They were truckers for a multimillion dollar company called Horvath. I called the owner of Horvath and told her, "Do you not understand that you have truckers who are very sick because they were exposed to soil contaminants at Aberdeen?" This woman, Sheila Horvath, said, "[S]peak to my lawyer". No one wants to go up against this company in Maryland because they have power and money. The people with the disease and I want to know what was in that soil.

There are Morgellons sufferers in the Poconos and I speak with them when I can. They are having a hard time getting lost wages and disability, and have been called delusional. Barbara, they are the salt of the earth, just good, kind people. They are not delusional. I am beginning to think the doctors who label them only say "delusional" because they don't want to look at this.

Then, as you know, there are doctors with this disease. Dr. James Matthews in Maryland almost lost his license because he was trying to help people. I saw where you commented on Dr. Beverly Drottar in your earlier article. They are the tip of the iceberg. How many biologists have this disease? I know that nurses are the number one reported sufferers, and that teachers are number two. Is it because they are reporting their disease and not hiding? That is a question I have been asking in this political quagmire, but I have no answers.

I just spoke with a woman in Tampa whose husband has had Morgellons for three years. She has a drawer full of anti-psychotic prescriptions. Their home in Grand Cayman was flooded. When they went back to it two months after the storm, he contracted Morgellons. She told me you could smell the mold from the street. Now he is a full blown case because they searched for three years to get help before they finally found Dr. Susan Kolb in Atlanta. Now he has lesions all over his legs, moving into his abdomen with bugs coming out of his body. I got him in to see Dr. Cheryl Reed in Tampa. I just spoke to her and she said he is a mess. She is getting labs to determine his liver enzymes, and is doing other studies. The jury is still out on him.

Fusarium Osysporum is a pathogenic fungus that we have seen in skin scrapings from patients. This is being sprayed on crops in the war on drugs. I have guys coming back from Afganistan with the disease. What is the biggest crop there? Opium.

For more information:

Address for contacting Trisha is: aripekangel@yahoo.com

www.sunshine-project.org

http://www.morgellons.eu/

http://www.naturalnews.com/025757.html

more links

http://www.naturalnews.com/025757.html
http://www.naturalnews.com/023411.html
http://www.naturalnews.com/023004.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgellons
http://www.morgellons.org
http://www.morgellons.eu/

B is for Balance
( written for the NY Optimist )


Finding balance has always been a challenge for me I remember the first time I knew I was really out of balance, my lover at the time looked at me knowing I wasn't there and when they told me I wasn't there I knew I had some serious work to do. I was blessed to be with someone who cared enough to look at me and see the reality and express it without fear, I was blessed to be with someone who loved me enough to look me in the eyes and dig beyond my outward beauty my limitless sex drive and my facade which had everyone but me fooled.

At the time I was lost in a whirlwind because of trauma, fear and insecurity I had severed my heart and soul from my body. It happens often to those who have been raped abused or betrayed or who just feel they cannot handle reality, and the darkness and pain which sometimes comes into our lives. Because of the trauma I had lived through part of me was so scared to connect and so I hide, my mind body and soul were not connected. Because of that I didn't treat myself very well, I didn't sleep enough, move enough, eat enough, I wasn't loving to my body and because of that I had severed my connection.

That conversation was one of the things motivated me to go inside and start to face the things I feared, for in order to reconnect and in order to find balance i had to learn how to embrace every aspect of myself and my life I had to stop trying to cut out what I was afraid of, what hurt me, or what i didn't like and rather face the darkness and work with it and move through it. Balance cannot be attained without accepting yourself as you are for you are perfect as you are, no matter what you did or what was done to you, it is all just part of being . Balance is not about following lots of rules or guidelines but rather it comes down to love and compassion for yourself as well as those who have both loved and harmed you.

Finding balance started when I realized I was hurting myself and through that was hurting others, it started when I realized by not being there, I was not able to love. I wasn't there for myself, so how could I be there for anyone else. This hit me hard and broke down a layer within my soul, as the layer crumbled into a thousand splinters of sand I cried more then a few tears and then I dived into all of the things that I was afraid of. I relived being raped, I relived abuse, heartbreaks, deception, and went deep into the darkest places I had been I returned to them in order to be at peace with them. During the process I started to reconnect my body mind and soul, I no longer saw them as detached, as an object. I no longer saw myself as just something to use and abuse to push till I broke. I started to see myself as I was, not something to be punished or ignored but rather a beautiful creation to be nourished and loved.

Love starts within and as I started to love myself I was able to love my body, my story, I was no longer disconnected fragmented tied together in fear but rather became accepting of both the choices I have made as well as those which others made that affected me. Balance did not come from trying to be perfect but rather with accepting what was and working to love and nurture myself and those around me. Because of love not out of fear,not out of doubt but out of love the love that was so expansive it covered all fears all doubts all pain.

I see many I love, many I meet who struggle with finding balance, and usually when I look a them I see part of myself, for the only reason I have found any balance at all is that I have learned to listen to what my body needs, what my soul needs what my mind needs for when I listen its all there, it always was I just wasn't listening i was too busy hiding running rather then just being still and listening. Balance has come to me more and more the more I have stopped running, and rather started embracing what comes. If I feel I need to cry I cry, if I feel I need to touch I touch, if I feel I need to dance I dance, and the more I embrace and go with what is natural the more balanced and free I become.

Sadly the world is becoming more and more a world built high with distractions, all usually built to sell us something, to make us feel we are not pretty enough, rich enough, and so on, a world piled high with dogmas and fear based motivational reasons to start cutting apart our heart from our mind and body. This makes it more difficult to be balanced to be one with ones self. Often leading to sickness, disease, depression, and the slow separation from balance. I have found that I must tune into my soul in order to stay balanced and tuning in these days often means tuning out.

Tuning out is very hard for many I know and love, they are in positions of power, leaders, presidents, band leaders, artist, politicians, ceos, I find myself often encouraging them to spend time alone in silence or find something that connects them to there souls, be it their art creation music feelings meditation yoga sex or just being one with nature and themselves. I see and hear often they just don't have time and that is something I don't believe at all. We always have time, and the most important time there is spent is when your soul is fully connected and fusing together your mind body and soul for when one is off balance all are out of balance and the more balanced you are the more productive inspired peaceful and healthy you will become.

I have found I struggle to find the time to write, to make music, to meditate and do yoga, and so I have started making many of those things non negotiable as in they happen in one way or another. Currently I am always behind, on email phone calls, events, meetings, I am above my head in what I want and or need to do, but I have come to a point of accepting sometimes i need time for me, to get a massage, to practice yoga, to make love, to cuddle, to walk in nature, to laugh to sing, dance, create, read, meditate, dream, run, spend hours talking with friends, spending days working on opening accepting and connecting all of the layers of my being.

Many people ask how I do what I do, how do I stay looking young, beautiful, and have so much energy, these are things I believe we all want to be healthy, happy, free, full of energy and able to love and be loved. These things are not obtained through practicing rules but rather being in tune with yourself. If you are really listening to your body and you are about to eat something unhealthy the body will send you a signal either right before or after you eat it . If you are really listening to your soul when it wants your attention in order to give you a gift of creation or inspiration it may take you away from your job into the woods driving down the highway or just being alone in the dark.

I am still working on balance I always will be I don't have it all figured out, I just learned to listen to what my mind, body and soul needs, and the more I nurture and love myself completely and in a connected way the more I am given energy, ideas, love and joy. Sometimes I do things which to others seem irrational, I make the time to write rather then get back to all my emails, I make the time to do yoga even if it means doing it behind the stage for 20 min looking rather silly, I make the time to see my friends now and spend hours with them engaged in deep soulful conversations and connections, even though I have so much work to do I have learned the work will always be there and if I am not there for the work completely the work will suffer.

No matter how busy you are if you aren't showing up for life because you're not there that busy state will never leave behind what it would if you did less but were more present in what you did. If I come to a show or a shoot without sleep without a soul without my heart mind and body what I can give is so much less then if I took just a little time an hour a day a few days a month to recharge reconnect re fuel what is within for that is where it all starts and ends.
At this point in my life I have learned how to show up and to be present and I try to give that to whatever I am doing, if I am in a meeting I try to be there completely if I am with a friend I try to only be there with them in the moment, when I am on stage acting or shooting I do everything I can to connect and be present for those I am working with or performing too these things have helped me greatly for it becomes magic when you really connect.

In order to be able to be there for others be it in life or art I have learned I have to be there for myself and sometimes thats hard but I try to create my sanctuaries in my life be it in my car or in my studio or just a hotel room. At the same time I have learned the word no is essential to balance for sometimes you just have to be honest and say no, I can't see you, I need alone time, I am working on a project, or no this isn't healthy for me spiritually emotionally and or physically. But with no also comes the acceptance that when I say no others may not be happy about it, may get angry, hurt, or mad at me and sometimes I have to accept I cannot make everyone happy for if I never said no I would be consumed by people who want something from me often without any concern to how thats going to leave me.

It may sound selfish but at the end of the day if you are not present how can you love or really give. I love people I love nurturing giving and sharing with people but because of that I have also learned I must make sure that I protect myself and don't burn myself out by never nurturing myself. Often people wonder why they are so unhappy and more often then not it can be solved with a little bit of self love and self nurture. Balance is about finding a place where you feel peace, in mind body and spirit. Depression and anger are often just a symptom of lack of balance and the need for change. Sadly the western medical system treats anger, depression and insomnia with pills rather then pushing people to dig into the why. For if you are depressed, overweight, sad, can't sleep, angry, or sick chances are it starts with lack of balance.

Balance is not the same for everyone but there are somethings which can help you find your balance, the most important is to tune in, to be present, to listen and to really dig under the skin and ask why? are you sick because you are not giving your body what it needs? are you angry because you starve yourself from love play and fun? are you depressed because you are trapped in fear and are hiding under the bed of your soul from your demons? are you unable to sleep because it's the only time your soul and mind have a chance to talk and all of the sudden all the fear and pain doubt and loneliness come storming up and push past the barriers we so often intact to function.

I just want to encourage all of you to carve out time in your busy lives for your mind body and soul, to love listen tune in and be present with yourself and the world around you. Life is full of beauty and love as well as fear and hate but we can chose what we focus on what we believe what we invest our time and energy into. The dark is our teacher not our enemy and when things get tough it's a chance to expand to learn and to grow. Fear is what will put bars around us if we let it, for in the end there is nothing to fear, there is nothing we can take with us but the love we shared. The best choice I ever made was running into the dark, running into my fears rather then running away. Sometimes it takes every ounce of courage in my soul to face something or say something or create. But I push myself into the fear into the darkness I climb under the bed to see my monster only to find it was only in my head. Fear is often used as a tool to control, the more I face my fears the more balanced happy and free I Become.

Not saying its easy not saying I don't cry not saying sometimes it takes every single ounce of energy I have to do it but I keep being present even when it hurts, even when its hard, even when I don't know what to do, whatever it is wherever I am I just try to be there....

Jillian Ann

In my dream I delivered a baby it was pretty surreal, I was helping such an intense experience, I have never had a dream like that before. It was a girl she looked like me but wasn't me, I was just trying to help her get into the world. Then I found myself in a yoga class working on my head stand, I can do it with the wall or one leg, I am still working on overcoming my fear of being upside down? or that my bottom is heavier then my arms, my arms aren't strong enough? most of yoga comes natural but the postures which involve using my arms to hold the rest of my body up are far more challenging. I embrace the challenges just as I seek and embrace teachers which will push me further, pull me further away from my ego which is slowly starting to be stripped, I leave the house without looking in the mirror, I don't feel I have to wear makeup, I am able to find the gap, the space between thoughts, the silence...

Then after standing on my head in my dream, I was eating some of a piece or raw chocolate pie, once upon a time I wouldn't eat it out of vanity that extra calorie may take away my size zero. My obsessions were not healthy then, now sometimes indulging is a direct attack on fear, the fear of not fitting the mold of the perfect model,singer,girlfriend, the mold created by the industry. I may still be thin, but its from being healthy, I eat when hungry, I work out to feel good, I sleep to rest, I do things out of the motivation for peace and love, which also means loving myself, or at least most of the time, sometimes I of course, do things out of fear, cravings, etc, but even then I try to love myself and accept it in the moment.

Music and yoga are both good mediums for me to work with the soul, the mind, the body, both require me to surrender, to let go when I fall, to be ok making a mistake, singing a flat note, playing a key wrong, for without practice without returning without working with it, growing or creation is very difficult. Music was terrifying for me when I was younger for I had such expectations of myself, I was so afraid of letting myself and others down which for years caused me to be silent, and or scared to do it, and its clear in my voice in earlier albums, the fear comes through, It was real I was trying to work through it, and the frail, broken, voice was a reflection of that. Somedays I would find myself in tears, for hours between takes, the monsters in my head ripping me to peices were hard to overcome. Eventually they got quieter, and now if they show up they can't win for I believe in the process, which leads to the end creation, not expectations of the impossible for with work all is possible.... but we have to do the work...

Now my voice is stronger, still frail, but more confident, even though its been really hard getting here, and I am by no means perfect, but more attuned to my vision, my body is the same its still small, sometimes even frail, but its stronger, its more loved, I love it more, I am able to love myself despite the critics naysayers or my own expectations. Now if I perform and am off, I just accept there is still work to be done, its all about working with things and through them, just like in my physical body I have one week a month that its hard to stay balanced and I am working with it, working through it, accepting it needs something, even if its just more love and grace, acceptance and forgivness.

I try to be positive, and when I am not I try to see it, and accept it and work on the why, what was it, whats going on, why did I do something that wasn't loving, whats going on inside me? for anytime I say something even with a sense of humor thats not so nice I have to check myself, for everyone else is just a mirror, and if I am unkind to someone its because they remind me of something within me, its not about them, its really my issue...

I recieved a letter, from a very nice man in india, a very inspiring letter, a very uplifting letter, and it was amazing because the day before I had recieved a letter from another artist saying how I had a dark vibe and how they didn't want anything to with me in the past or future... the letter from the man in india was saying how positive and light I was and to keep shining... I am the same its there perspective thats different, I am what I am, how people view me has much more to do with them. Just as if I view someone and say they are light or dark positive or negitive it is based on my experience my perspection my view or reality.

It is this that can bring world peace or war, if we look at another and say they are evil, dark, inhuman, bad, then we can justify harming them, bombing them, killing them, if we look and say they are light or beautiful then its easy to love them... either way though its all about our perspective....

Non Judgement is something thats hard to actually achieve, as a kid I always used to look for what I had in common with someone, and I would always look for the beauty, the light, within them. I continue to try to do that, and when I find myself NOT doing that even with those who have harmed me, put me down, attacked me, I have to check myself. For at the end of the day we are all closer to each other then we may think.

Its hard to not want to just say your rapist, your enemy, your boyfriend who cheated, the women who tried to hit you, those who exploit you are not just dark, scum, just as for some its hard not to just say all police, government officals, or FBI, are "pigs" or working for the darkside, just as its hard for christians to really see atheist as light and love or vice versa. But it is all these things which cause us harm...

I've been labeled open minded, experiemtal, etc, but I just TRY and notice the word try like I try to stand on my head sometimes I fall, but I keep trying, to expand my own perspective to see the light the divine the love the beauty in ALL beings, this means animals, people, my lovers, loved ones, friends, family and enemies alike, and this is a challenge and sometimes I fall and have to keep getting up.

Anyways.. what does delivering a baby mean in a dream ( G.H ) where are you ? your one of the best at dreams.. you must be writing a book in canada :)

now time to go to music land...

xo

I'm awake kicking I finished the vocals for one song, I wish I had more time, I will next month I have so many ideas on how to add to it, I ran out of tracks on protools though which makes me sad:( I need more tracks, or something, although the good news is protools and I are starting to get along, its still a new world for me though its just not as intuitive or as intuitive in the same way as all the other programs I work on. Its like learning a new language most programs are all pretty much the same language wise protools uses different lingo for some of its tools and its confusing. But I am figuring it out, I got through this song without a problem grant I am not editing it down to one take just the 5 or 6 best ones per style per verse per line. Each take is a little different my voice does that, my voice has a mind of its own and always has, it can do lots of different styles but its attached to my creativity so it keeps changing little things and then my brain has to try to figure out which ones are the best one. Which is the hard part, these songs are new, I am reading the lyrics off the wall in our little home made vocal booth which works pretty well. It will be better when I know the lyrics but it takes a bit of time to memorize ten songs by heart but I am excited after this album I may make a acoustic version of all my best songs with just my voice and piano, I can do that at home alone, except the mixing, just me the piano, my computers and pro tools, it would be fun, then get remixes done.
This is my problem I am in the works of finishing 4 albums worth of music and already have another in my head, they just keep coming I just need more resources to make them all. Until then they just all sit in my head and spin around telling me to make them. I can't think of much else, music, albums, songs, ideas, visions, new sites, pictures, videos, all in my head, and I am trying to channel it all as quickly as possible without going crazy getting sick or losing my mind. Living in my headphones can make life seem a bit surreal, modeling, meeting friends, going to the gym, grounds me out a bit making songs is fun but also can be frustrating.
I am starting to run low again, its what happens when you take over a month off to work on music, I wish I could just snap my fingers and magically 5-10 grand would land into my bank account. Lets see I could sell 500-1,000 cds, but that usually involves a push with involves time, or I could go model for a month and a half, but that means leaving music land, but I will figure it out, although losing my mac means I have to do some digging to book work as far as shoots. I have to go meet some agents and casting directors in feb, so we will see, but I am hoping if I snap my fingers money will just magically find me. Sometimes it happens.
Of course its because making the music is one thing, then eating and paying bills while making it, and then having money to get it out to people, which means art work, graphics, websites, printing and pressing . I am blessed I have faith the music videos will manifest through creative beings who will like the new work and want to make some amazing dope surreal art. Photos I think we can figure out, printing and pressing always cost something, then getting it to everyone in the press and radio thats another expense, or working in a partnership with someone.
But I will try to keep my mind from running all the way to the future and then some, but my mind does that, it sees what can happen, then I just have to do the work...
So now back to the work...

I am going to go write lyrics because I still can't record them.
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball like your computer getting killed the week before a deadline and losing all your recent work , then someone you once looked up to and supported telling you they want nothing to do with you ever when you never harmed then, of course then you find out your car needs a major repair and its raining outside.

This is the place where if I want to cry for a moment I do and then just surrender, for as much as I don't understand it I accept it for its my teacher and its reminding me, I am not in control, and if I get angry about any of it well its worthless. I have found though when the walls get harder to scale it means there is something great building, something is about to happen something beautiful and good and all these little things are just here to remind me how to fight with love, with surrender, with accepting, I am not in control.

I remember in my church the kids were cruel, they would pick on me and exclude me because I didn't have the right clothes I was weird I wasn't like them and I remember how painful that was. It was even more painful when another one of the kids who was picked on and pushed out killed themselves. It was so painful it made me want to run away from these cruel people who have no problem turning there back on someone to feel better about themselves, or just because they thought they were better. The talked of Love and God compassion and none judgement but had no problem tearing others down.

I remember running away from it all, it made me sick, for to me that was dark that was cruel, and I would rather hang out with those who would accept me in my black clothes and intensity for who I was then to try to be someone I was not for the sake of being cool popular or accepted. In the end many of them felt bad, ten years latter when they realized they were cruel and caused suffering. I forgive them but I still think that type of behavior is what leads to war, suicide, and suffering, dehumanizing people because you don't get them or don't agree isn't loving its fear based. The only way to cut out another being is to demonize them and its a very easy thing for many people to do for whatever reason needed.

My stance is until you harm me and being near you is causing harm to me and you I am open, I don't have time to be 5,000 peoples friends but if I meet you and we are in the same room I am not going to treat you like a less then because of your dress, vibe, or energy, I may not follow you around but I won't be cruel. If you harm me try to beat me up, try to destroy me, then I may try to avoid being in your way because its not good for either of us, but you REALLY have to harm me more then once to earn that for I realize people make mistakes and we are all here to learn and grow and you can't learn and grow if your cut off for being human.

The music industry is another group of people and within it are many types including the types that remind me of the kids at church who used to pick on me, exclude me and try to make me feel worthless, or worth less then them. Just like the people who say "you'll never make it" they are like the bullies, the cruel kids, and back then when I would encounter them I would go hide and cry in the closet, and eventually ran away from all of it, this time, I am not moving, I am standing my ground, I don't care if someone excludes me, no one owns the world, or the stage, it is fair game.

I will make my stand for every freak and geek, everyone in black who people judge without EVER taking the time to look into there eyes and heart for many will hide there hearts under spikes to keep it safe from the mean kids...At the end of the day we are all connected and we are all in this together and excluding people or picking on them or trying to crush them is not the work of light, of love or truth. Darkness is not goth or black or loud music or intensity darkness is lies, dehumanizing people and tearing them apart.

Granted sometimes I have to catch myself, its so easy to say something not so nice and I usually put my hand over my mouth because I don't have a check point between my mouth and mind and SOMETIMES I can say things which may be true but aren't nice. I try to be loving but for me love isn't fake, its not about being popular, its not about winning, excluding, judging, or pushing out without giving even the freaks a chance...

I hope to see humanity evolve to a place where we don't kill over religion, color, or what WE think is right.. Where we don't pick on each other, tear each other down, harm each other, just in order to pacify fear insecurity or our need for power.... yet evolving to that place is painful, its difficult to love yourself or anyone else. I am working toward that place toward trying to love people even when they are mean, even when I don't get it, even when its not my cup of tea, but rather trying to understand it, then to just push it all away.

Open my mind, Open my soul, Open my heart, and try to love .. really love...

So today I am dusting myself off and going back to writing and looking forward to the next chapter and adventure, this time when the kids try to crush me bully me I am not running away..

I am feeling a little blue, blue is the color I feel when people put me down, push me out, label me, judge me, more so when I was nothing but positive and supportive of them. Then again I always had a hard time when people didn't like me or picked on me for no real reason, it makes me feel sad, for them mainly and because there is that type of energy in the world.

Then again as a teenager I was utterly enraged when people would put down gay people, people who used drugs, people who liked rock music, people with purple hair, even more upset when those people talked about love and non judgement. I just thought it was hypocrisy, I have always had gay friends, friends who did drugs, friends who run around naked, friends who believe in magic, friends from many religions, colors, classes,and to me they are all just people, and people deserve the right to be loved, even if you don't get them or why they do what they do.

Or did what they did.. but I suppose my compassion comes from pain, from suffering, from being the one everyone picked on, beat up on, pointed fingers at, called names, didn't understand and so now, even if I don't get it, I try to be supportive of the person for who they are. Sometimes it means standing up for people and fighting for them with words. Sometimes it means just not diving low, now granted there are people who I keep a distance from, but its usually after they have shot me and I just don't want to keep getting shot, but you have to shoot me, a few times usually to earn that. I wont do it because when you were 18 you got busted with pot or made a lesbian porno with your friend.

Then again Jesus to me, was my example as a kid and what I saw in Jesus was someone who made a point to challenge peoples perspectives on judgments, on labels, he chose thieves, prostitutes, murders, and freaks to be his saints. That always has been and will be one thing which I understand, the point is made, it doesn't matter if you were a hooker or a dealer you could and can still be a positive beautiful amazing person.

Nudity is a very controversial subject, and when it comes to Nudity I was of course told its bad to run around naked, but as a kid I was always sneaking off to go swimming naked, lay in the sun naked, I just liked being naked. I was a hippy, to me skin was beautiful clothes got in the way, I have always appreciated people naked, because its them in there true form. Of course my nature of being so free and open lead to some complicated situations when I was a new run away in the big city because for me nudity was beauty and natural for others it meant something else and sometimes there perspectives were not like mine. I learned through all those complicated situations and now I have a better appreciation and understanding, and I still like people naked, I like fine art, artistic nude, any form that captures people in there natural beauty thats not about using or abusing them...

Being Gay is another big subject, I was raised it was of course bad, but then I found myself being attracted to and in relationships with women. I cast off the program of its bad and just was with it, and it was a beautiful thing and who am I to judge who someone loves or wants to marry. I can go on there is a list a mile long of things which to some cause alarm and shock and others are normal life. In the end I feel love is what allows us to accept our differences and find what we have in common and work from there.

Being a sudo public figure, sometimes I feel like I am an tiger in a cage and people walk by and talk about me, some say awww how beautiful and some are scared and some throw stones at me. Just like I feel the tiger would be hurt if someone hit it with a stone so am I. I can accept that hurt, I can have compassion for the one throwing stones, but I also won't just sit there and let them stone me, at some point I will get up and walk up to my bars and look them in the eye and then roar, for I don't believe in fighting but I do believe in confronting, in dealing with situations, for I don't believe love is passive.

I used to just sit in my cage and let people stone me, then a wise women told me once " if you let them harm you, you are creating harm" ... Usually when people try to stone me I get up and take shelter find it in the arms of the divine in the support of the love which is always there and transcends all this pettiness and sometimes I get up look them in the eye and tell them how I feel then go back to my shelter.

Today I feel a bit blue, a bit overwhelmed with the challenges I am facing, and then getting hit in the head with a stone doesn't help. Its january and I just found out my baby needs some serious work done ( my car ) and well I am trying really hard to finish the album which means not modeling to stay here and work on it and so I am trying not to model till at least feb in order to make some headway but in Feb I have to return for a bit.

I hope this year when the albums are done to be able to have the time and the help needed to push them in the right directions and I hope they open the doors for me to perform more, for soundtracks , for sales, for doors and windows so that I can spend more time working on music. For at the moment I feel the pressure, for finishing the albums creates doors, but in order to finish them takes money and time, I want to finish them before seeking anything for them, that way they will be creatively created out of my soul, I am protective of the creative process, I want my songs, my lyrics, my music to come from my soul and am opening up to some, but want to let it grow and blossom so its real and not contrived.

I always feel the clock in my head, the clock ticking, its my internal clock, and I want to do some much create so much before I die, and each day its there, the muse, the clock, the energy which haunts me, and that I try my best to honor and support. I have made choices to create and to pay for my creation with modeling rather then other options because of the freedom it brings. Although some may not understand, I am free and have been the only bars are the ones I chose, I chose to make art all the time, some people don't understand, some people judge, some people love, but I feel better about that as a way of life then trying to be someone I am not, or be a puppet, ...

I love modeling, I love creating art, I love bringing life to projects, to art, to nature, clothing, walls, buildings, I see my body, mind and spirit as a way to express beauty, hope, love, truth, in its raw naked form, stripped of as much fear as possible. For I hope that if I can express things stripped of all the layers then maybe it can inspire. For that energy that clock is purpose and it pushes out of my skin through my voice and into the world.

Somedays its harder then others, today is one of those days, for I feel my intention is pure, and am at peace with why I do what I do and so when the stones come over and the list of things to do grows sometimes I just want to retreat and hide under my rocks by the big tree near the ocean with a few wolves who are my friends to curl up with and keep me warm and safe.

We as humanity have a choice to make, we can Love and support each other despite our differences or throw stones at each other out of fear. We are the ones who make this world heaven or hell. Through our actions, our words, our treatment of others. I want to make this world heaven, and I believe it is us who choses to make it a safe place, a loving place or a place full of fear and suffering.

I try not to throw rocks myself, its so tempting sometimes, but whenever I feel it I know now its coming from my own fear, my own view of reality which doesn't make it right or true. So I am trying not to judge even those throwing rocks at me.

As much as I wasn't happy with our last president and have kept my mouth shut for many reasons lately, I am not going to throw any rocks at our new president, I am not going to assume anything, I am only going to hope that something beautiful will come of it. I hope we can have our freedom back, that artist and people can express how they feel without fear of being labeled a terrorist, I hope we focus on what we can do to make the world safer healthier and more peaceful rather then focus on fear. I hope that we can express ourselves without fear of being put on a list, I hope that we can sell plants without the FDA and DEA sweeping in and taking people away who are just trying to heal through nature. I hope that there can be change, less fear and more openness, less hate and more love.

I sound like a hippy...
I just hope we can direct our energy toward healing ourselves our planet and each other, rather then throwing stones, dropping bombs, or trying to destroy each other just because we don't understand each other.

Now I must go work with my muse, and try to overcome my lack of understanding all the the ins and outs of protools ...

I am feeling a bit stressed out, I am trying to meet a deadline and deadlines can stress me out mainly because of myself I want everything perfect all the time. I want to finish four albums at once, re do my website make movies model write paint practice yoga maintain a marriage paint the house take care of the car and have a social life, not to mention writing songs, performing, rehearsing, and at the moment trying to manage it all. I tend to just try to do it, and thats what I am trying to do I just have more ideas, songs, song ideas, website ideas, etc then I can produce as fast as I want it.
Some people get depressed because they feel nothing is happening, I have trouble sometimes just trying to keep up and its an amazing problem to have I just have not figured out how to clone myself in order to finish it all or how to delegate. With my modeling its a bit tough because I work with lots of people I have friendships with and I would only feel good turning it over to someone I could teach and show how I do it because well I don't want someone not being nice on my behalf.
With music I am delegating I am working with producers and instrumentalist, but then my get it done yesterday kicks in high gear there and I get frustrated when I want it done yesterday and its not done in a week. Then again I believe I am capable of almost anything and so is anyone else and believe if I don't finish or get something done its a choice. So if I don't do it I am chosing to do it. I have so much piling up its making me feel like a fish under water behind the glass, lots of emails, work, music, printing, cards, cleaning the house, the car passing the CA drivers test, I have to take another driving test, I haven't had to take one since I was 16.
My music is going well but I can't write or record if G is here, I need privacy I like to do it alone with my little friends I like to be able to cry or scream or play the music loud. Another person here makes me feel like I can't do that. Granted its all in my head and I am fully aware of that, we have two studios one at the house for me, and one 15 min away for me and him but for now I have stolen the home set up for I like to run in the park write on the roof and make my tea...
I have written every album at home to date, at home in parks on trains planes by the ocean etc. I use the studios for recording and mixing but ideally someday I want a house or a house with a barn or a space on land where I can write and record, being in the city means never ending distraction which I love and have problems with and its really hard when its warm outside and nice and pretty I just want to go run around in the trees and play outside not be stuck inside .
I like playing outside, so once I finish this melody I will go out and rehearse for a bit before I record for a bit then write more then yoga, and I need to run, eat oh yes eating is good. Music can consume my life, I need to wash my clothing take a drivers test, clean the house, but music it is consuming everything right now and will till its done, but after the 30th I will be able to do a few more things like clean the house and wash my clothing, I am blessed I have enough I just keep wearing new ones, but all the things I like the most must be washed...
I am trying to find balance in all of this, trying to find the capacity to breath, to not get so excited so inspired so consumed I forget I am a human I need to eat to play to get sunshine and clean my room.
I feel bad I want to see and play with my friends I just can't till after the 30th , and my email well its over 300 in my inbox and my facebook and myspace are just impossible, someday soon I will get a coffee sit in the sun and respond to all of them, but not today..
and my website.. well its needs a makeover, it needs data management, it needs and update and well I have never found my Neo of the web world, and am still looking, but I need someone who will co create with me, and I have lots of expenses at the moment and its one thats not as high on the list as others..
but I am still looking for Neo, .. and trying to figure out ways to actually make it so people can buy the music and finish it all so I can release it properly and then from now on ONE or TWO albums or projects at a time, start finish do another, because at the moment i feel like the mother of four hungry children I have to take care of create feed and provide for and its a bit mind expanding.
Ahhh and shows.. I need to rehearse for, big shows in arenas in front of tens of thousands of people, and what am I going to wear... ok I will think about that in Feb, for now back to my children...

Jillian Ann

click to view

Awake... check.. breathing ... check ....

Yesterday I had to chill a bit, I hit a wall both mentally and physically. While traveling its hard to really work out for me, running is hard in the snow, yoga isn't always easy in hotel rooms, not to mention my schedule was insane there. I have returned to my hour two hour work out and after three days in a row my body felt very much alive and tired. So I slept ten hours, stocked up on some food, read,meditated, walked in the park and watched a movie. Now back to work, although I had to admit the work I have to do today is a bit of a challenge. I am prepping the instrumental tracks to record vocals, violin, and have Grant work on them as well. I have to make two mixes one with drums one without, write out all the chord changes, root notes, progressions and BPMS. Granted it makes everyone else's life much simpler but I will confess this is the type of work that I have a hard time with because its feels like homework.
But making music is not always about singing in front of 10,000 people wearing cool outfits or getting checks in the mail from songs being in films or music and sales. Sometimes its about homework like rehearsing which I rather enjoy, vocal lessons, hitting the gym, programming, mixing, pre mixing, making charts, and soon sheet music etc backing up hard drives, updating gear and of course trying to avoid the drama or remove the wall. Festival season is starting to book now, I want to finish the albums by the spring for a fall release and before all the festivals, festivals are fun, and often they are outside which means we have less complications when it comes to if people can hear me or not.
The music industry is shifting, changing, I have not been keeping up with it as much, when I need to I will dive in and do research, inquire, seek advice, before making any drastic moves, until then I am focusing on making music, performing, being healthy, and connecting with people directly because at the end of the day I feel for all creators be it products or music and art that is the future, direct contact with those who like your products creations arts etc. The internet has made this easy for us, the tools are all there, it can be done, it has to be a fusion of digital and real world I feel though to get anything to the masses, I am excited to finish the albums and shift a focus to a moment to getting it to the masses, that part has always been fun for its a challenge, making art is one part getting it to people is the other part.
Then there is of course if it connects with people, thats the magic, thats the part which can be predicted to a degree, or some can predict it, or see the potential, or not connect..Also there is levels of connecting, shock factor, humor, sexuality, soul, etc, people are so bombed with people trying to sell themselves on myspace, facebook, tv, movies, media, if they are anything I tune most of it out, I just don't pay it any mind but a few things will catch my attention, and then I will look into it and if its real it usually sticks.
It's a challenge reaching people without millions of dollars it requires word of mouth street teams and a collective effort, when this happens though its beautiful and amazing. I am hoping that technology and artist can find ways to really work together and integrate, so artist can make a living off art and still be able to have some if not all creative control, ( it already happens for some) of course file sharing free downloads etc isn't helping, I think sadly just like people often don't think of how there action is causing harm to the earth, we forget how we hurt each other, and although I want anyone who really can't afford my music to have it, Its not very easy surviving as an artist is people just take your music and give nothing in return. Barter, Tip, be on the street team, do something, I buy my music digitally these days, usually off itunes, and lots of it is from people I know, I could get it for free sure, but I know this artist spent hours, weeks, months and maybe there life savings making the song, the least I could do is give back 99 cents.
We have to support each other, if you sell food I can't just steal it, I could barter my music for it, I could barter playing for it, I could barter letting you use it for you to feed me, but I can't just take it, and if I can't afford it well then I need to offer something.
We have lots things we need to deal with and this is just one of them but its not just about music, its about taking, we can't just take and take from those who give and not give back, this includes the earth, artist, mothers, healers, etc, to become a generation of takers who care not for the world the planet or each other is not what we want. We have a choice we are dealing with it right now, the information is in our faces, we can wipe ourselves out like MANY civilization have before us because they got out of control and eventually something will happen to counter it, be it a new disease, collapse of the financial system, or anarchy and widespread blood shed because the only way to keep a balance is for all of us to Give and take... and find a balance in the giving and taking...
Its hard for me to give things on christmas to people who may not even want or need them, and as far as getting things I am practical, I of course like things but I only need what I need and not more. When I have more I try to give it away, be it time, energy, clothing, etc, although this year I want to do even more giving somehow, granted being an artist can be almost charity work, for many forget someone has to pay to make it all happen, and that person is me. I work and work so I can pay to make an album, selling it is never about making millions its about being able to make another record. Then again I make music because music saved my life, music has opened my soul and been a healing force in my life and I feel that is a gift I can give back. Thats why I do it, I am doing it because I want to be able to use it as a tool to inspire others to dream, to have hope. I had a dream, I had nothing but a dream and that dream is becoming realized and still is becoming, but the story behind the dream is one that I have yet to find the words or medium to tell completely but in time I am sure it will all find its way out.
When I am done, I hope to leave behind more then a took...

Yesterdays song came fairly effortlessly sometimes that happens and other times I have a hard time focusing. Writing is easy its the arranging and mixing which I force myself to do in order to learn even though for the final albums others are mixing them but I am getting better, I really like dynamics, theatrics, emotional music. I loved beethoven, NIN, Tori amos, and some Bjork, earlier Portishead, etc and other bands that had intense dynamics emotions and theatrics, to me a good song has always been one that moved me, made my heart feel like it was going to come out of my chest or that I could run a million miles or scream, cry, dance or laugh, it moved me.
I like intense music, I am at so many festivals and venues now, I hear so much music, when I am not making it I listen to it obsessively, and in the tour van I listen to not often by choice what others like to listen to which means I have had to listen to some hip hop and rap, and some of it is very good, but most of it I just get bored of then again I like movements, I like things which have sections dynamics where the music alone can tell a story.
I used to sketch out a song start to finish in a day or two, but I haven't been able to do that because our good mic and good pre amp has been in the shop for various reasons and so I have been focusing on writing the instrumentals and will continue to write more for the next few days then go in and work on sketch vocals, ... I am told the instrumentals are so good, which is good, the downside is now I have to write vocal lines that are as good or better.
Pressure...
I just write music and when I start a song I finish it even though I may not use it, its principle, finish what you start and don't stop till your done.. of course this is not so easy to always do sometimes I struggle with a song. With music it just comes, I don't think about it much I just play and feel, I did my thinking I learned how to structure and write standardly structured songs, I went to school in New York for engineering and advanced music theory and am in and out of vocal lessons all the time plus the years of piano lessons I had, I learned enough to know how to read and write music. But I don't think about it, I think thinking about it defeats it I think songs are like ghost, like spirits, you can't think them, they just are.
When I work with others, I try to talk in the emotions talk, granted in the mixing process I have a perspective but it has to do with feeling, sometimes a song gets killed in a mix, rather then made more alive.
After these albums are done and out, or on the way out ( for that will take my time and money of course) I need to update my system, the only thing I do on a PC now has to do with writing music, because I haven't switched. I do all my writing and arranging in a PC then go into Pro Tools to record live instruments and vocals, then it gets handed over from there for the boy stuff, additional beats, better bass etc.
I need to learn to write and record into a MAC so I can travel and write, I am a bit of an addict I really like my triton 88 weighted keyboard to write on, for it feels "almost" like a real piano and thats important and so giving that up will be hard. But if I want to travel I could take my digi 003 my keyboard a mic and a mac and I would be good, so I am going to invest in Logic for I have protools and reason and then I need to gather some plugins and sit with someone and watch them use the program for I learn quickly and I find I learn the easiest by sitting over someones shoulder and watching.
The next albums I want to venture into writing on many platforms, for each one has its quirks, I hear live is good as well so I may venture to learn that one.
I have found I have had no problem learning any computer programs, its like I am one with the thing, from final cut pro to pro tools they usually come easy to me, reason and live may take a moment for its not laid out in the same way it seems.
I am excited about all the albums, and am trying not to get so excited I write four more that take me four years to finish, but now I think I have figured out how to finish them and know enough people who can help me do things like play violin, drums, bass etc, because I know what I am best at, and what others are better at. I will never be able to play drums as good as someone who played them for ten years just like violin ...
Speaking of music I should go and write a new song today..

xo

1 cucumber
2 celery sticks
1 tablespoon spirulina
1 tablespoon of vitamineral green
1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon of curry powder
1 tablespoon of cumin
1 tablespoon of nama shoyu soy
1 teaspoon of flax oil
1 teaspoon of hemp oil
1 lemon - just the juice
2 tablespoons of red onion
2-3 garlic heads
1 avocado
5 mint leaves
2 tablespoons of ginger
1/2 cup filtered water
1 tablespoon of dulse flakes
----
I just put all of mine in a food processor and hit go or a blender
I had a sheet of raw nori paper cut or torn up in the soup
and if you really want to go for it add some brazil nut cheese
which is simple to make

Brazil Nut Cheese
Soaked Brazil Nuts
Garlic to taste
Salt to taste

put all of the above in a food processor and hit go
( blenders don't work well for cheeses )

Recipes To Heal Yourself - Raw Healing Aids

Green Soup

1 or 2 Avocado
3 Cups of Cucumber Celery Juice
2 Tablespoons of Minced Ginger
2 Garlic Crushed
1 Teaspoon of cayenne Pepper
3/4 Jalopeno Pepper
1 TableSpoon of Flax Oil
1 Tablespoon of Hemp Oil
1 Tablespoon of Pro-biotic Powder
extra if you have it or want it
1-2 tablespoons of vitamineral green or spirulina
1/4 cup of soaked seaweed


First make the 2 cups of Juice with a juicer use ONLY organic veggies if possible
Then mix everything in a blender or food processor blend on high till it becomes a soup
you can also add more oil, cumin, olive oil, tomato, red peppers, etc to taste
I often add more garlic and cayenne pepper cause I like it spicy... This soup is excellent
at healing and also alkalinizing the body and its yummy too and easy to make
feel free to alter or substitute if needed to your taste buds


Coconut Curry Soup

1 Young coconut using everything in it ( if you want to get advanced make it into coconit kefir first)
1/8 of a cup of flax oil
1/8 of a cup of hemp or olive oil
1 jalapeno pepper
1 avocado
1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
1 1/2 teaspoon of indian curry pepper
1 tomato
1/2 cucumber
2 garlic heads crushed ( I use 3 but it depends on your garlic tolerance)
2 tablespoons of minced ginger

Put everything in a blender add more or less spices depending on your taste use all organic if possible
Blend on high till it becomes a yummy looking soup then enjoy, if you are on a diet use half an avocado and a whole cucumber :)


Ginger Brew

I drink this almost everynight and more so in the cold and flu season or when under lots of stress

Ginger use between 3 tablespoons and 1/8 of a cup for 2--5 cups use more depending on how spicy
you want it or how much you are making
Lemon 1-3 depending on how much you are making
Mint Leaves use between on teaspoon and one tablespoon depending on how large a batch
Cayenne use between one teaspoon and one tablespoon depending on how large of a batch

Cut up or grate or mince the ginger and put it in a pot with purified water ( the best water you can get )
heat with low eat for awhile 20-30 min or more.. keep an eye on it and taste it when its spicy chances are it is done...

Then add fresh squeezed lemon juice, the mint leaves, and the cayenne pepper
then sweeten to taste.. I advise using Stevia if you are sick and have a sore throat use a little raw honey
but in general stevia is the best sweetener heath-wise available on the market now. Raw honey though is useful when sick with a sore throat it helps the pain go away and it heal faster.


--------------------
I did the above for one day with the addition of

Green Juice

Cucumber
celery
Ginger
Garlic
Lemon
Dandelion
and a green apple

( juice to taste)

and the following herbs and food based supplements

E3 live
Reshi
echinacea
Camu Camu
Sangre de Drago (amazonherb.net)
Sumacazon (amazonherb.net)
Illumination (amazonherb.net)
Lunazon (amazonherb.net)
and
Vitalase

My sore throat is gone today.. so that was quick...

more soon

I'm Wearing Black this Xmas
It seems the holidays can stress us and our bodies out, the traveling, the feeling of having to shop etc. I know for me the fall has been extremely hectic involving lots of travel and a non stop schedule. The last week has been a bit of an attempt to recover and yet keep up the pace. San Francisco is cold, my house is old and cold and so it didn't take long for me to catch a sore throat. Its gone today for the most part but a sore throat for me is a sign a signal my body needs a vacation and some healing. So I spent the day healing and making some presents. Below is what I did and its working, I also went to the sauna and did a internal cleanse.
I feel a bit torn about the holidays, because of all the waste, all the garbage, all the excess, as well as all of the conflicts and depressions that seem to arise, for sadly x-mas has become nothing more then a day about shopping and presents. Its nice to get and give gifts but I would rather do it as I feel not because I am being told to....
I also know for many of us we have deep often unspoken conflicts with our families from our religion to our sexuality, from our eating habits to our daily lives and I know for many including myself the holidays means sometimes having to feel like a animal in a cage or a heart behind a mask. Granted things are better for me now, but as much as I want to tap into and tune into the holiday cheer, I don't like doing things because I am told to or worse pretend to mean something I don't...
I was shocked CA isn't letting the gays get married, its a bit sad to me, I mean if you love someone you love them, who cares.. then again I remember being with my girlfriend in Georgia and wondering if we were going to get in trouble for breaking the law , I can relate, and part of me wishes we could just come to a place where we could let other people be free, even if we don't agree...
I want to celebrate things that matter, not things that don't and for me the things that matter have nothing to do with a dead bird, or a plastic Jesus, but rather love truth and freedom, but sadly we can't even seem to agree on those things...
Part of me wants to dress and mourn on Christmas, for all those we have used our tax dollars to kill, for the planet we are killing each time we disrespect it, for all those we look down on because they love someone we don't think they should love, for all those who are so sad and feel its so hopeless they kill themselves, and for all those who think any of this stuff we buy and or collect means anything.. really..
and after that I will spend sometime hoping, we can stop the killing, hoping we can all be healthy, hoping we can all really learn we are all the same and in this together, you me the planet the animals, hoping we can overcome our fear and greed and let love and creation life and truth be our motivation. Hoping for an awakening to somehow spread across the world and reach into each soul and spark the light... Hoping we can put our religious, racist, sexist, old worn out ways behind us and learn that in the end all of it is meaningless ... and all the energy we waste hating fighting killing over something we NEVER can own or control is just killing us slowly...
We don't own this land, this country, this world, we are just visitors, and if we don't treat it that way we may not be allowed here anymore.. Sometimes I think we need aliens or something to come down and shake us and wake us up and remind us that we are not the only ones here, we don't own and control it, we are allowed to use it and if we misuse it we will end our own life... or not be allowed here anymore....
Its hard for me, I used to be asleep, sleep walking, but I couldn't stay that way sometimes I tried, but my spirit refused or it would die, and if it died I died so I stayed awake even though there are days I wish I could be as dopped up as the 50 percent of my fellow americans, but I know it never works, and in the end you have to deal with your own spirit... and your own actions, and so I am awake, but being awake these days is like being on acid because the world just gets stranger and further and further removed from nature and from our natural selves....
I want to go back, but it's getting hard to go back because we are covering the land and the sky with our footprints... I must admit although I know its hard I feel the downfall in our economy may help slow us down from our destructive unaware ways, I hope they make less cars or at least ones that use less gas, I hope people buy less stuff, I hope people realize this system they believe in can fail just like any system just like a computer crash and its not the source of life or happiness even though we have been taught to believe it is....
This holiday try to remember what matters not what you've been taught that matters... spending time with each other is good, thats a positive... there are positive things, but none of them can be bought or sold...

Love.......changes and new amazing pictures
becoming aware of how everything is connected is one of those mind blowing realizations
putting into action change is something that takes lots of time initially for sadly in this country at least we have been raised to consume and waste.

I have become very aware of my consumption and waste, be it an old paper bag or old clothing a cup or a movie ticket stub, and all of this waste I view now very differently. For each time I throw something away I know its going back into our water our air our soil. Sadly we are already feeling the effects although some of us may not realize the very reason we need drugs or pills for stress, anxiety, depression, actually is a side effect of our own lack of awareness and respect for what we are doing and how its affecting the world.

We are based on consuming and that has to change and we have to change it sadly changing it means either the companies that are making products for us to consume must change or will have to fold or will continue to slowly harm us and the world. The problem is we cannot continue to consume endlessly without destroying ourselves and the earth. Forget about God and the apocalypse we are going to bring it on ourselves if we don't all change and change soon.

I have been slowly adapting my life and I still sometimes throw stuff away, but I try to waste less and less stuff, I try to avoid packaging, things I don't really need, and not consuming unless its something I really need. Holidays are a complicated time for me, for seeing the sheer amount of waste with wrapping paper and packaging, getting and giving gifts that are not even needed etc hits a button within me that causes me to rebel a bit.

I am planning to give a gift maybe more then one digitally, and for the people I am sending gifts to they will be long lasting or eco friendly, I am voting with my dollar, for in the end that is what we have to do if we want them to change. All these car companies who are in trouble could have been making electric cars and more fuel efficient cars years ago and chose not to. I feel sad for those who work for them who are losing there jobs, but not for the ones who have made choices based on short term profit and created cars that now we are shipping to Russia because we don't want them. Great so now russia will be filled with cars that use far to much gas and we will continue to suck the blood out of the earth.

We have to change, we as in all of us, everywhere, and start now, we cannot continue to live and base our lives around consuming and wasting, rather then giving and taking, I mean we all take so much for the earth when is the last time we gave anything back? Granted I am not a eco saint or anything I am just becoming more and more aware which is why I am writing this for I hope you will read it and when you eat, drink, buy, consume, waste, when you make choices you think about it rather then just acting blindly following the programming brought to you by the ad agencies and the companies spending lots of money to get you not to think....

Maybe I am becoming a bit of a pagan but I feel we are all connected and all connected to this planet and if we kill this planet we will all die and we can stop it but we all must act now, not tomorrow not next week not waiting for Jesus or some savior, we must all just do what we can in little ways.

Love each other as you Love Yourself.....
what if that meant everyone, in all nations, all colors, all sexual orientations, all walks of life
what if that meant loving the earth land sky ocean as you love yourself
what if that meant all the plants land sea ocean air animals

In the end in all religions the heart of the message is that and that is the only message we can't forget
and if we do we will all kill the planet and each other....

Now Love each other as you love yourself for me
is beyond here beyond my country beyond the whole worlds population
but also includes the earth ocean land sky sea and every creature on it
no matter how big or small

and so this holiday remember that is the only gift we can ever give that will really matter

love........
and love is free and has no waste....

I should be sleeping
But I returned to my old home
and despite the fact that my life seems to be going well, and things are all unfolding like magic. I am seeing things which cause me to pause and to dig and search. But the truth seems elusive, conflicting stories, conflicting news, from the mainstream to the depths of the conspiracy world, I have been glancing collecting connecting reflecting. Then adding in the stories from people across the country, the globe on the streets and then what I am seeing with my own eyes.

What I am seeing now, in the big picture is enough to blow my mind which has been blown in so many ways already.It can handle it, and this, for this is expected. but walking down my beloved streets I see store fronts closing all over, bars, coffee shops, I see and hear of thousands losing homes, jobs, I see the government spending billions of dollars we don't have which will have a consequence which will hurt the middle class even more then the recent losses.

Systems...

We have been programmed to believe in them, to worship them to work for them, these systems are not based on human rights, and often can be more sadistic then the most intense experience I ever encountered involving sadism. These systems were and have been built not to sustain, not to support the earth, humanity, human rights, much less health, love, peace, and nature. Rather they have been built or have become consumed and created a world that thinks consuming in our purpose, is our God, is all there is.....

Now this facade of consumption of unlimited pleasure of irresponsible actions not only of those in high positions but everyone of us who has treated what we had with lack of awareness or respect is melting, is crumbling is coming apart at the edges. The world as we know it is starting to change at such a rapid speed that it would be easy to sleep through lots of it and wake up wondering why there is no air to breathe.

Adapt or die....

It sounds so harsh but as far as I can see what we are dealing with is far more complicated then printing money and a crumbling economy. We are dealing with closing in on a time and place where if we don't act now and everyone of us as much as possible our very life source will not be able to sustain us. I just watch the amount of trash, garbage, chemicals, medications, go into the ground, into the air, into the water, into our hearts, our minds, our bodies our souls and as we are draining the planet, we are draining ourselves... It is becoming harder and harder to get real food, real water, that comes from nature, because the very air and water the soil which is where our food our water and air comes from is becoming thick with our garbage thick with the leftovers of our consumption.....

What is hard for me is I see the sky and its not the same sky I saw as a child, I taste the water and its not the same water, and as much as politics and religion and systems and jobs matter, if we don't stop focusing on how upset we are we cant buy a new movie, ipod, audi, or that our company is gone, and realize that if forget that at the end of the day there was nothing to support us in the start except the earth and each other... and if we destroy our connection to the earth and each other we will wipe ourselves out...

Forget god needing to destroy the earth we are doing it ourselves.. we US ME AND YOU.. forget everyone else, forget blaming it on the government or your boss or your mother or father, its about me and you and us.. we are the ones who can make a change, and if we focus on trying to find someone to save us rather then just dealing with reality and taking responsibility for our own actions we are all the ones who are creating our own hell on earth....

The power of nature of the human mind body and soul is we are capable of creating and destroying of loving of hating of healing or killing, and we can work with that internal energy to heal ourselves each other and our planet or we can chose to let fear and doubt and blame debilitate us until we sink with the ship.

Adapting
is on a spiritual level on an awareness level on a level of knowing this system government religion job is not going to last forever just like an economy, and if we are not attached to it as our lifeline we can Adapt. But we have been programmed trained taught to be attached to it as a life line and so the hardest part of adapting and being aware and dealing with the ever changing reality is within...

I know many are struggling afraid hurting .. and there will be many more, I know human rights are taken away, people are starving, dying, killed, sick, homeless, broken.. I hear, I see, I feel, I know, its in my blood, in my flesh, in my soul, its part of me, so it never ends, it is part of me, I am part of it, and I know suffering will always be, but if we can let go of these ideas, of what it is to live, to love, to be free, to have security, if we can expand our hearts and souls to realize that we are all in this together...

I don't care what religion race creed color sex or what you have done, we are all in this NOW together, and all this war, and fighting, and killing each other and hating each other and fighting is just killing us slowly inside out... I know I may be an idealist I know people say its impossible, I know I know but really, maybe we can overcome it little by little day by day in tiny ways... and maybe if we all just try, and accept ourselves when we are hurt, sad, angry, lonely, and accept it as ours, and not anyone else's...

I am writing from a life where I have had nothing and no one, where I have lost everything, and maybe had everything, where it all has taught me the only thing that can save us will not come from outside of within .......

So I write this, I hope to inspire you in these times, to look within, to take responsibility, to use all you have mind body and soul, to adapt to cause change to be the change...

we have to be the change we want to see in this world, right here, right now, ..... for there may not be a tomorrow....

One day
I will be gone
all that will remain
are these pictures and songs
these writings and thoughts
forever captured in bits of space

I was one mans lover
another mans broken heart
ones sister
anothers healer
anothers saint
anothers sinner
and all this will be gone
as will I

I will return to where I came
and will return as I came
and this body will be
nothing more then
images burned by light
captured in past times
and some will remember
and some will forget
and I will leave
footprints
marks
in the energies
of the earth
between the heavens
and here

death is my friend
as is birth
and inbetween
I do as I can
to leave behind
parts of myself
in hopes
to inspire another
to remember to dream
love
live
express
create
love
live
in peace

for each day
may be my last
and each word
may be my last
and each pictures
may be my last
and each song
may be my last
and so I give my all
my heart
my body
my soul
for tomorrow
may never come
at least in this flesh

and each moment
I have
I hope to give
some of
for the next
for all
forever
in each act
of creation
in birth
breath
death

For I am here
only as a flash
a light in the sky
that will vanish
into the darkness
as lightening strikes
then fades
as will I
at least from this flesh
yet my spirit
will return
to its home
wherever it is
it is

I know not what it is
but I know it is
I know not who I am
but I am
and each moment
is gone
like each life
each death
each breath

so this life
I dedicate
to the creation
of beauty
of music
of life
of love
of passion
of peace
of truth
of the moment
of breath
until
I pass
on

Like the lightening
in the sky
it flashes
then fades
into the darkness
of the night

Directed by Fabric Grange
With Jillian Ann
Justin Hyte
Lady Lovely

Hosted by SoloModels.com
( because there videos look so much better then you tube )