me + film + music from punk meditations + tour van + i movie + coffee = Inner Stimulation

I have this memory its been burned in my head for years.. I was in Union Square, I had gotten a phone call from a man, one I was very much drawn too but at the same time afraid of. I sat there taking in the entire landscape, under the night, part of me wanted to go and dive in, the other part was holding back, sensing something, something that warned me if I dived in, If I let myself get involved I may end up in a place where the sun forgets to shine . I made the choice to risk whatever pain may come from going there even though even prior to getting there I knew I may end up picking up the pieces when it shattered.

I dived in head first, ripped open my walls, opened my heart, mind body and soul, and allowed myself despite my fear to fall in love, to really love someone, regardless of the part of me that didn't trust people, men, or pretty much anyone. After reaching a point where walls had begun to crumble and connects were burned deeper one day as it was storming the words which to me didn't ring of the end, were said. Because i've been on the otherside of abandonment, of not feeling loved, of being left, lied to , betrayed , I had made a pledge in my heart I wouldn't do that, and so then I was alone with my pledge.

I waited, for them to return for a long time, I kept reaching out, because despite what logic would say in my heart the love was still there and to this day I am not very good at not caring, sometimes I care so much and yet am aware either they don't care or I can't do anything and have sadly had to try to figure out how to respond to that. My best girlfriend now shows me how now because of being abandoned I am now afraid of it, and so as open as I am that feeling I had has grown and now ever act of caring, loving, connecting or letting people see "me" takes deep breathes and the cracking of my heart.

Its been cracking alot lately, I was with my best girlfriend and a friend, she started telling a story of someone who did the vanishing act on me and as she told the story, I felt my heart crack, a lump grow in my throat, and my eyes swell. The cracks in my heart I have glued back together sometimes split apart and all that I hold inside comes pouring out. As it happened I felt loved and safe, I felt like I was with people that at least if they were going to vanish would tell me and at least then I could try to make sense of it all. Abandonment is one thing, vanishing without explaining why, is a whole other thing. One that has left insecurities burned into my subconscious, as she pointed out, if I don't hear from her I respond usually wondering what i did wrong. Because whats burned inside of me, so deep that be it true or not its what my heart feels and believes to a degree is that if someone leaves, if someone vanishes, if someone ends our connection its because I did something wrong, or bad or wasn't good enough.

My heart wants to put up walls, and has, and I keep trying to force myself back into the open, and to open it up and tear down the walls, inside my bones and skin often is a struggle, for I don't want to not be able to love, to give, to be open, connected and really fucking care, like family, like lovers, like a child before realizing that people all have different views and some view love and relationships as disposable napkins they use and throw away. I see love and my interactions with people be it through work or friends as the only thing that really matters, which I suppose is why I have the desire sometimes to either cut that part of myself out because it cares to much, or cut off my feelings for people I love, because then if they abandon or vanish or just decide I am unworthy, it hurts, ...

I don't want to have my heart detached i don't want to be numb, I don't want to end up capable of not caring, granted sometimes I cut off my heart and act against its will, its usually painful and right now part of me is having to do that, but I often find myself feeling like a fool, a lost child, at a door knocking and calling out " can't we talk about this" , I find myself returning to people through letters or emails or calls trying to find a space of understanding, for if love a close connection is going to end, I can deal with it so much better if i understand why, if its talked about, if I find some clouser, without that it just feels like someone stuck a fish hook in my heart and is pulling on the string from the otherside..

Sometimes love changes faces, I find that what I give comes back, eventually, sometimes i feel really alone, and isolated, but it seems anytime my heart gets a hole, someone leaves abandons or changes from someone who once was a soulmate, best friend, creative partner, etc leaves someone else eventually comes around that fits into the empty space. Then it just takes the strength and hope to open up and let someone in, even though I know that no matter how much I love someone, no matter how much I care, no matter how much I give, how much I vow forever, they could walk away tomorrow... Now I open the doors, sadly it takes me longer then it used too, I wish it didn't I wish I could be less jaded, more trusting, more open, and I am in many ways, I am incapable of being close to people for awhile and not caring, sometimes I care to the point of distancing myself because i know they won't care and I would just be pouring out my heart into a wall.

Part of me though will pour my heart into a wall hoping eventually to break it down, for once I connect with someone its hard for me just to walk away, and never return....My friends and G are very protective of me I understand why, because its them I call in tears, its them who see me when it hits, I let them see me now, I keep trying to let these walls down, even though part of me wants to put them up. I don't want to end up letting the wolf driven by fear of abandonment, loss, heart ache, betrayal, win over the wolf that is driven by love...
Sometimes I don't know what to do with it, sometimes I can't resolve things, sometimes they won't communicate, sometimes I have to take all of the love that was theirs and pour it into the sky and the earth ....

I want to care, I want to feel love, a love that sometimes overwhelms me, a love I want to share, despite the response, despite how it ends, I don't want to end up like those who no longer live driven by love, but driven by another force, often those other forces consume the space that once belonged to love, leaving them hollow in the end. Everything I have been doing i have been doing through my heart, be it making music, or modeling, my time with people, I have let it crack open, let the walls start to get ripped down hopefully for good and sometimes its far more painful to live with way, because I fucking care, I care about the people I work with, I live with, I see, and sometimes when I see something coming, illness, death, depression, and I try to do something to intervene, but quickly see I can't stop it, unless we work together, it can be hard, but i keep doing it,i keep being ....for someday I hope to be nothing but love,

love is an energy, it is what brings hope, what inspires, what heals, what revives, what makes us aware.... if I love, then I have to think about how what I do will affect you, the world, all those i know and never will know, it creates a desire to love not just my friends, but everything, the planet, the animals, strangers, and yet i live in a world where love seems like a religion thats been all twisted..... its become something attached to one aspect often more then all, love to me is physical, emotional, spiritual, its everything, it is all of my being, and all of my being is connected to everyone else, the world, and everything within and without.

I should be sleeping... but I am flying across the country on a red eye.. sleep is elusive

On May 4, 2009, at 3:55 PM, Jillian Ann wrote:

I'm feeling fuzzy I only got like 4 hours of sleep, its strange its lights computers noise I can't sleep with them and he can't seem to sleep without them. I cover the LCD lights as much as possible, but last night I started watching " Lost World" and I never watch movies because I get so sucked in, I can't pull myself away I become one with the characters. This one was about native americans, a world and culture I find fascinating I wish I knew more about and at times feel like I would do better there and then, rather then here and now. I recently had a dream I was walking across a great canyon, a big beautiful canyon, but it was as if the earth had changed its shape, and then in the canyon I found a baby white wolf, I picked up the white wolf and wrapped it in clothing which had a big pocket for it, and took it with me and it became a friend. It was such a magical dream the white wolf was so beautiful, I miss having animals around ( I grew up with lots of them) I miss living in a place where I can grow food and lay in the grass, and when I get too far away from nature for too long I start feeling lost. Someday I want to have a house where I can grow food and lay in the grass, and have animals, maybe my own white wolf of sorts I have a very deep affection for animals, and plants, someday I want to live in a place where I don't have to go seek nature and am lucky if I get to it a few times a week but a place where I am in nature. I always feel at home in nature, safe, and animals I tend to usually get along with very well. People on the other hand I often find confusing...

Someday .. Being an artist though I have put my art first for so long, and continue to, yet throughout all of it trying to keep some connection to nature to spirit has been something I have worked on, but it seems everyday it's slipping further away, the busier I am the less time I have to just "be" one with nature and sometimes it makes me feel a bit lost. Last night in my dream I was in Venice , in a boat seeing the entire city, but then someone told me not to touch the water because it had poison in it. As I travel as I see the world sometimes it's shocking to me how removed from nature and self people are. I live in a world which if I never left my world I would think the universe is ok, most the people in my world try or are at least open to thinking about things like how we are all one and connected and that means to our animals and planet not just other americans . My world is pretty beautiful and safe, but sometimes I leave my bubble and dive back into the other worlds, and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it because it just seems unnatural, inhuman, like the twilight zone on a bad trip.

After diving in as deep as I could on the rabbit hole on the swine flu, I have come to believe that like SO many EVENTS in our "media" manipulated world that there is more then meets the eye. For one thing why was the mainstream press completely ignoring and not mentioning all the natural ANTI VIRAL treatments? Why is it all about a vaccine ? and haven't we learned through history ( Bayer + Aids ) that many pharmaceutical companies will go to ANY length including killing people to make millions. I mean History has taught us or are we not paying attention, Tamiflu's stocks sure went up, and apparently US and UK have bought a good amount of this stuff and its been sitting on the shelf, so without a "outbreak" of swine flu the company will lose money. Now the media has proven we will shut schools and utterly panic without much "evidence" for all we know ALL those people who died didn't actually die from the "swine flu" we don't really know , they weren't interviewed they were in the hospital right? and umm they don't interview people in the hospital? Really? Meanwhile laws are passed while everyone is under the trance of the media induced panic.

Ironically Baxter (http://www.naturalnews.com/025760.html) Deerfield, Illinois-based pharmaceutical company Baxter International Inc. was caught shipping live avian flu viruses mixed with vaccine material to medical distributors in 18 countries and that was in MARCH... so wait a second we are supposed to TRUST that a vaccine will keep us from getting ill ? but how is that possible when WE know its a fact that for whatever reason more then once things that make people very sick or kill them have been "accidently" shipped and distributed ( bayer, baxter) Now I like to live in my bubble the one where people actually care about each other and love each other but this stuff turns my stomach.

So what does the future hold? our planet is nicely overpopulated? its seems that a real virus will break out one way or another ( even if they and I don't know who they are ) do it on purpose like lacing vaccines with it. Many of my friends don't get vaccinated and or vaccinate their children and in this day and age I wouldn't either. Baxter the same company that was caught shipping live avian flu viruses mixed with the vaccine is the same people working with the WHO on how to deal with Swine flu? And this isn't something we are hearing about in the news. All of the panic all the vaccines now shipped because of all the panic are still there and so far we haven't all freaked out and run to get something that we don't even know what it is shot in our bodies because we are scared.

The words mandatory vaccine freak me out about as much as having a chip stuck in my body, I like my body the way it is minus electronics or vaccines I didn't make myself from plants herbs and things I know won't actually kill me or make me sicker. Because of the panic and laws recently pushed through many feel a mandatory vaccine will be another phase of this wonderful circus of confusion " http://globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=13466 " now I for one am not going to have ANYONE tell me what to shoot in my body if I want to shoot anything in my body I want to do it because I want to not because someone MADE me. I will get on a plane the moment I hear mandatory anything and go to whatever country is not playing along with the game and work on my music and art their till it blows over . Granted it hasn't happened yet but I can see how most of us would do it, fear makes us do stupid things.

Right when all of this was happening I had been around hundreds of people and in lots of planes one day my throat , lungs and chest got really weird and bad feeling, it took days to go away, but then a friend of mine gave me some medicine, ( american indian based) the medicine has been known to heal many but with some it reacts in a way which has been very intense. When taking very serious herbs plants I feel you must respect them and treat them as medicine, at that point I had been sick for days and was unable to shake it I took two of them and felt it, it was a little intense so I lowered my dosage to one. Within two days I felt completely better, granted I know with other herbs one dose can heal you another can kill you its all about balance. I haven't been sick in so long and so I took a good hard look at my lifestyle in my days of nothing but sleep and rest. I was encouraged to make some changes and so I have, even though they are painful. As much as I love wine, and coffee, those things are off the list for now, because it's not healthy to avoid sleep through caffeine all the time, and sugar, is gone, completely gone, except green apples and a few berries at least for a while. As difficult as this was the first few days ( me = caffeine addict) I have been doing it and have cut my caffeine intake to zero or 1 cup of green tea or matte a day. I realized that my best defense against any illness is balance and because I love extremes the middle path isn't so easy, one cup of coffee becomes three, I can make and break habits quickly. So I am cutting back on things that are acidic because I feel I wouldn't had gotten sick if I hadn't not slept, and used wine, coffee, etc to get through for days..

Its hard I have so much I want to do, and sleeping always feels like I am not getting it done, and yet another part of me longs to lay under the clouds in the grass and download from the other-worlds a million visions. Finding balance in a world that seems so beautiful and heartbreaking all at once is very difficult for me, I feel like a creature from another plant sometimes, I am going to vipassana for a few days I am excited about that it always helps me center myself and reconnect to that space where everything is. I am preparing to finish some tunes then go on a month long tour/shoot covering a good chunk of places which will require me to be healthy and so from now till then I am focusing on finishing my songs and doing some deep cleansing, and healing and trying to find balance in myself, not to beat myself with my own whip to the point of falling down...

Sometimes fear and insecurity and creep in and be the master with the whip always beating on me saying I am not good enough it's not good enough and although I am much further away then I used to be, its still there a program I am still deprogramming, ... being in a place with nothing and no one sometimes helps me remember I will exists with or without stages, songs, the sales of records, touring, shoots, .. sometimes in all the shows, songs, shoots, and constant buzz I get caught up in that world where my master is a program in my head, not my spirit.. the earth nature, silence and some people remind me it's not..

I feel before one may be reborn they may die, I am letting somethings die so there is room for others to live...

j

photo by nikki sixx

I live in my glass castle

My feelings safely frozen
behind the glass
Under the wires
Kept from breaking through
The screen
Into songs I pour
All the things
I long to say
That stay
locked in the glass castle
Its lonely
when you speak
but they don't understand
when you cry
and they can't relate
when you want to break
out of the glass castle
but your hands are tied

Someday
I am going to shatter this
Break it into a million pieces
Rip off the gag
tear off the ropes
Be free again
Someday
I'll destroy the castle
with all the things
I am not allowed to say
Till then
I stay in my glass castle
and the only ones who know me
are the ones who
can see me
behind the glass
and under the water
past the surface
and projections
but they don't live
in the glass castle
they live outside
in a world
without guards
to manage
there very words

I visit them sometimes
I always feel free
as if they knew me
for a thousand years
No glass
no walls
no barriers
no guards
keeping me safe

Someday I am going to
destroy my glass castle
for its become a cage
Shatter it into a million pieces
and only then will I be free
If I can remember who I am
who I was
Then again
Sometimes I feel like
I am seventeen all over again
About to run away
To just leave everything
I was
Leave everything
and go
follow the spirit
the muse
for I can't hear them
I can't hear them in the castle
The walls are keeping them out
Too much noise
Not enough silence
Not enough space
The chord
Feels disconnected

Outside
I seek to find silence
roaming in the night
but people are everywhere
noise
wires
walls
I am starting to feel
Lost
In my glass castle
Built out of dreams
as they always are
But sometimes dreams
have a way of changing

I claw at the walls
they cut my hands
I scream at guards
But I still can't get out
After awhile
its too hard to fight
So I just accept
This is it
and write songs
in my glass castle
about other times
and other places

But someday
I will escape
my glass castle

In these moments
I want to curl up
under the stars
By the sea
unplugged
free

But rather
I am chained
to boxes
to wires
to things I can't see
pulling me
to peices

In these moments
I want to go back
to a time
before
when all I had to do
was play music
make art
and spend half my day
with nature

I am burning
not out
just burning
longing
hoping
if I get to the end
if i can just keep
going
keep burning
someday
I will be back
there

until then
I am here

Its been a moment since I have written, I have been working on my music, we booked OZ and a studio to mix down mid May so from now until then I am trying to keep life simple.
Work on music, work out, write, and shoot , sleep, eat and sometimes double task rehearse while cleaning etc. Yesterday we went to the farmers market on the way there I saw as usual a protest.
I see lots of protest and yet they never seem to change anything, our oceans are still dying, people are still starving, and now more and more people are afraid of something or have lost something.
In New York on the Subway a man walked by me, I got a feeling deep inside, and curled up making myself as invisible as possible, after passing me he took out a bottle and started hitting women with it, in the face and then dumped soda all over them , it was strange, as soon as the train stopped I got off and waited till he was gone. The tension is expanding, fear feed, media induced.

In the last few months many photographers I know have been ill, many have lost jobs, those running companies have been laying off people, and my former neighbor came by yesterday telling me work had dried up. It seems all is headed towards a head, a peak, as in most cycles things rise and fall, empires, orgasms, corporations, kingdoms, religions... it's the cycle some say we are on the verge of the 6th mass extinction, and if I add up all the puzzle pieces, sick oceans, polluted air, weakened immune systems, the FED being a private corporation, the only stability I see is within. Living in San Francisco reminds me daily tomorrow all I have here all I built this pretty house/temple I live in may be gone, and then I must migrate.

I often feel like I came from some other time, I live places then I leave and often when I leave I leave most of it behind, and yet I always do fine. Then again at 17 when I ran away from home and had nothing no resources I survived I was ok. But inside I always had the whole world and outside only reflects whats inside and all that there is, is really inside. Outside is as water it shifts it changes form, kingdoms rise, kingdoms fall, and when they say the strong survive its not about how much you can bench press or how much you have invested in the stock markets because at the end of the day it is all like water constantly changing shape and form. In the moment I am grateful for what I have, and if this is gone I know there will be another place, if I have to migrate I will, and sometimes migrating is crucial to survival.

Migration is not just about moving, but change. Things are trying to shift, pulling apart from each other, I feel a large part of the world is hell bent on seeing the " end" and there are others who are scared of the " end" and then there are those that see no end only change. Some religions are convinced it's ok to help the world go to hell and to rape it and use it and pollute it and care not for how it hurts the planet or the rest of the world or people and creatures living here. They are also convinced someone is going to come out of the sky and take them to another place to live.... This makes no sense why would a God or a being of awareness and love save a bunch of people who destroyed an entire planet, take them off this one so they can destroy another one? I don't think so, I really doubt thats going to happen so if I were them I wouldn't be trying to bring the God/Savior back because I don't think it's going to end like that, " Ah yes everyone now that you have trashed this place let me give you a new one to destroy"

I am not expecting a savior to come rescue me, I am trying to do whatever I can to be part of the shift working in the direction of healing, nurturing, and counteracting the mindset it's ok to rape each other the earth and just use each other the planet. I am very aware of my use of the planet, and its hard being aware of it, because I wish I could be doing more to give back then to take, and what I take I try to take from an aware state. Even then its hard because I can be a vegan, I can eat local food, I can recycle, I can try to encourage everyone else to make choices from an aware place, eat meat that was humanly treated and killed, and basically remember we are all connected and we are all dependent on this planet and every action affects everything everywhere.

Many have been told if we make these little changes its worthless, or useless in the big picture, but we aren't powerless, and making little changes does make big changes in the big picture. Being aware means thinking about more then ourselves and instant gratification, but on how our choices will affect each other and the planet. When I see the protest I wonder are they protesting with their lifestyle? With their pocket book? Because if millions of us stopped supporting those who trashed the planet and who were injust and harmful to humans animals and the planet then they wouldn't last forever, if we did use our money time and energy to support those who were doing things in a just and aware way then they would grow more powerful. Protest with your pocket book and with your lifestyle, for I feel that is a way we can force change. But protesting with your pocket book and your lifestyle requires awareness, for even many " green" companies are not so green. I buy food as much as I can from farmers markets, clothing as much as I can second hand for from designers directly, I find things on the street and recycle them paint them and use them in my home ( or thrift stores) as much as I can , all these little things add up. I try to carry my own water bottle and coffee cup ( sometimes I fail) I only use body care I can eat, and so can the earth when it goes down the drain and the same with stuff in the house to clean. It's not that much more expensive and I am actively protesting with my wallet and with my lifestyle.

Its simple buy local, buy as close to the source as possible, as close to the ground as possible, as organic as possible, and for clothing, cars, furniture, etc, recycling what is out there is always good. Meat dairy etc, I feel its important if you are choosing to eat meat and dairy you buy grass feed organic free range and ideally killed humanly which excludes a large amount of the meat and dairy out there. For the way we treat our animals reflects our awareness. I could go on, but it would take a moment, but one thing I do is try to trace things back to its source, read everything in the ingredients, and be very aware.
Health is vital for survival, a weakened immune system can be a death sentence, the body does much better when its fed real food, the earth does better and all around its better for everyone everywhere.
Health and awareness, are worth more then houses and cars, I know if I am healthy and strong I can survive, in the woods, in cities, with or without my bank account.

We used to roam the earth, we used to migrate, we used to talk to the earths spirit, we used to sleep on the ground, and we did fine, we have not really progressed when our progress has disconnected many of us from our souls, each other and the planet.

I am sharing pictures of my home, please enjoy...

much love
and protest
with your wallet
and your lifestyle


Food is medicine













Some of my fans send me art I have lots of it here and LOVE it

During the day I put on my heels, corsets makeup and expressed a part of myself, after the shoot I returned to a beautiful hotel room, walking back to the room I noticed it wasn't very cold and decided to go running outside rather then in the gym. It's so easy to forget my roots to forget what feeds my spirit, this world seems to cater more to forgetting to feed your soul then to feed it. Running has always made me feel connected be it to a Jaguar or a horse, beautiful creatures who move so fast and at ease, I love the feeling of finding the wall and pushing it, the feeling of strength of being able to move through the night like a cat. Running at night has always been a bit of a thing for me when dwelling in cities and even in the country for at night it's usually me the animals, nature and the sky. People with the constant hustle and bustle chatter and noise are gone and it is then where I feel more at home. In New York often I would walk around till three or sometimes four in the morning, over the bridges, into the heart of Brooklyn, I remember often going to the park after hours just to be in the silence. The night always felt safer to me then the day for in the day I just felt overwhelmed with all the noise. Many of my friends loved ones and others have worried about my night runs or walks, but for me I feel because there is less humans I feel more safe, like the animals, who hide themselves from us more often then not, I have often felt more connected to them, the wild animals who cover themselves in the night behind the stones make themselves unseen then people.




I ran to the temple, the big famous Mormon one,I have been told they hire ex fbi agents for security, I can feel something watching me, but I go there because it's the closest place I know to my hotel where there are trees, plants, and grass, water, and stone. I circled the grounds a few times till I dropped out of running into a meditation state, with the water, placing hands on the trees, listening, communing with nature, in a state of pure bliss, tuning into the energies of the plants, trees, and water and communicating with it. Making myself invisible so I wasn't disturbed by the security coming to remove me, it started to drop in temperature, I found a large space of grass, wrapped myself under my black sweater and black yoga pants and sat mediation style with my hands on the ground. I sat there in the silence with the sound of water and wind with my hands in the grass as everything became colder and yet I found the energy the flow and then started playing with it, moving it with love through the plants water and wind and as I danced with it, it danced with me in a state of awe and bliss. Then it was time to go, I ran all the way back to my hotel, through the streets, through the grass, the silent streets, with the mountains and wind watching over me.



The next night after shooting I returned home to find a cat outside of my hotel room, I stopped to pet the cat and felt a bit sorry for it,but then it reminded me it had a fur coat and unlike me was used to the snow which had coated everything during the day. Because of the snow running outside was a bit more challenging and I had packed light so I only had my running shoes, no boots no snow clothing, so I went to the gym after writing for a bit the gym was empty, I turned off the TV I have a hard time running near TVs for the energy it releases I can actually feel in my body and often hear a very strange frequency . Often in Gyms I go late when not many people are there and unless its music videos I usually try to turn off the tv's if no one is watching them, I find them disrupting to my energy cycles. I know they are a tool but I feel they are getting out of control. After running I returned to my room, my cat visitor had vanished , I poured a bath and spent a long time in there playing with energy, in my body in the water, the currents that are always here and as real as our skin and bones.



These rituals have been with me since childhood, I always was drawn to energy, nature, art, music, expression, openness, and the exchange of energy. Yet I was raised to only practice rituals that to me felt devoid of energy and connection to the divine energy which I can feel in almost anything. Sometimes with some people its harder to feel them and with others I feel them in every ounce of my being. What was instinctive as a child I have learned has many names, and over the years I have learned a good bit and continue to seek, because I love to grow and to learn. Just as much as I love to run, and connect be it with nature, animals, plants, creation, the divine through the millions of portals which are everywhere. I love to connect with people as well but many have walls and or fear gets in the way, others are often so disconnected from themselves its like connecting to a TV flipping through a thousand stations at once.

I feel through if we are going to survive and or advance as a species we must reconnect to our source for I feel most if not all of our so called problems starts with the lack of connection. Staying connected has been something I have tried to stop, at times because I felt like I was a different species I felt more connected to animals and nature then people for a long time, now there are people I feel very connected to but many are very connected to the source to energy and aware and are always learning and growing. I remember once I tried to watch tv, dress like everyone else, and blend in, I couldn't do it, my spirit got restless, angry, and so I stopped trying to fit in, I just accepted I was who I was. Over the years I have done somethings which may people are afraid of, I have dived into worlds and explored many things, during the process I never felt I was " bad " or doing anything " wrong " I was just learning, growing, and exploring, hands on, full force, for thats the way I do things, all the way, all or nothing, with a lust for life. I just feel many people seem so sad, depressed, blocked, empty, and low energy, and I feel all this fear of feeling be is sexual or spiritual, ritual or divine, keeps so many depressed. I don't believe being happy, enjoying life, making heaven on earth is expensive or requires following thousands or rules but just really connecting and enjoying all life has to offer be it what it is, the hot the cold, nothing or everything, alone or with someone, full or empty.

Then again, I have been through so many intense things, things that many fear, dread, worry about, or run from, and all of it taught me this......there is beauty and love to be found in everything it is everywhere and the only thing that keeps me from it is me. ....

Right now the sunset is happening in the sky as I fly over it as if I was a bird with wings or even better a dragon, a flying one, I have always wanted to meet one ,.. Back to San Francisco till friday and then back to LA, where the sun shines and the oceans runs side by side with the cars and concrete the noise and sounds of a city as she moves and moans under a million lives....

Morgellons: a new disease that I feel we must all be educated on and aware of
Hi
I am sending this just because as someone who is always trying to keep up with health and healing and keep loved ones and others informed, I don't know where this is going but its crossed my pathway many times and so I have been doing some research. I feel its best to be educated prior to there being a real issue. Its all about prevention and with many disease prevention and keeping a body strong an immune system kicking and awareness and education can help prevent illness. The following information is pretty intense and I hope medical professionals, healers etc can find ways to cure and or help prevent prevent. The following information is just some of the information I have researched. For those involved in non profit or medical work I feel this is something that may expanding , and I feel also that they are suppressing the information as well as the severeness of this on mainstream media to avoid a panic. No one really knows what causes Morgellons, it is spreading and more and more cases are being reported, there are theories from a batched bio chemical government experiment , chemtrails, GMO, and so on. They do not know how its spreading, but its like something out of a alien movie, threads grow out of peoples skin, eyes, etc amongst other very intense issues. Because the cause has not been determined and neither has the cure I feel we are all in this as one and granted I am aware there are other illnesses out there which threaten humanity and or already are causing masses amounts of casualties. But I feel this one is like diseases such as AIDS which until we understand fully and know how to treat will cause mass suffering and potential death. I know this is not a pleasant thing to discuss and or research but i feel only through awareness and education can we start to do anything about it.
Because this disease seems so unreal part of me feels it could very well be a reaction to actions be it GMO or the chemicals we have dumped onto our planet unaware of their long term effects. This being said I would urge everyone to avoid GMO, do as much as you can to protect your body, the world and others through awareness and conscious choices be it through what you consume to what you waste.
There are doctors and non profits starting to form to research and to help try to figure out what is happening here. Many people who have this have not reported it many in fear of the possibility of being quarantined like lepers. This being said I hope that somehow through this getting out there and awareness of it more energy can be put toward healing and finding a way to counteract this reaction or disease. I personally hope that we can use our science research funding and energy to heal rather then consume and or kill. As one of the wealthiest countries in the world even in our economic times I also feel we must take initiative in utilizing our energy collectively to find a way to keep this from becoming the next AIDS or Black Plague so to speak. Granted I do know how nature does emb and flow and things expand and contract but I feel that this is something which is causing great suffering to our extended family and that being said I am going to try to bring it to the worlds attention. For without understanding how can we heal and or find a cure.
So I am passing the below along to you as well as links to further information. This information is meant to be educational not to frighten you, sometimes things seem intense and or dark and the only way to work with them is to look at them directly and seek to understand them.
Thanks for your time no need to respond

With Love
Jillian Ann
ps I feel this information needs to get out to the medical,healing, etc professionals as soon as possible if it is not already I feel it is starting to get out there through the underground but don't know if its reaching lots of the others
Morgellons: Expert Says Awareness and Early Treatment are Paramount
by Barbara Minton, Natural Health Editor
See all articles by this author
Email this author


(NaturalNews) Morgellons is a terrifying disease reaching pandemic status. Yet because the symptoms of the disease are so bizarre, people who have it tend to withdraw and become isolated from society. With mysterious fibers and parasites coming through lesions in their skin, Morgellons sufferers often live in fear. As a result there is no pressure on the medical establishment to become educated about the disease, and most practitioners continue to view it as isolated instances of delusional parasitosis. Because Morgellons affects cognitive functioning and the ability to communicate, its victims are often unable to advocate for themselves, and few are knowledgeable or willing to advocate for them. Trisha Springstead, a former surgical charge nurse and clinical educator who now works as an advocate for patient's rights, has stepped in to fill some of this gap. Both knowledgeable and experienced with Morgellons, Trisha agreed to be interviewed to provide the kind of insight into the disease that can only come from direct experience.

Barbara: Trisha, thank you for doing this interview. It's time for information about this disease to become widely available. Hopefully this is a start. Is incidence of Morgellons confined to the U.S.?

Trisha: Morgellons is everywhere. It's in Australia, England, Germany. The only country where people have not reported cases of Moregllons is Iceland. Dr. Neculai Dulceanu, Head of the Department of Parasitology in Romania just scraped these from the skin of a 75 year old woman there [shows slides of fibers and parasites]. He found Rotifers and Collembola in her skin using a needle aspiration biopsy. As you can see, this shows how the fibers and parasites are intermixed. When you look deep enough into the skin, this is what you find.

No one truly knows how many people have this disease, as many of the persons I have spoken with have not reported to any database. Most people with Morgellons seem to think they are the only ones who have it, so awareness is paramount. It is so important for me to let new patients know they are not alone, and that there are thousands and thousands of people with this disease.

What I have seen is that so very many people are isolating themselves. With increased awareness and validation, I am beginning to get phone calls from isolated people who have only had this disease for a short time, like five months. These people get referred to me by word of mouth and my name is all over the internet. When people with the disease peruse the internet they find my name and email me or call me. This is the best time to get patients, because at this point they just have the crawling and biting sensations. The disease is not yet full blown. Last week I had 30 calls. I have a phone number that is in my lab, and young people in their twenties and thirties are calling. This is because they are internet savvy.

I've set up an internet reporting site where people can report that they suspect they have Morgellons. I send those reports to my Congresswoman Ginny Brown Waite. Congresswoman Waite sent a letter to the head of the CDC in May of 2007. Now there is a new head at the CDC and we are back and square one tying to get them to understand what is going on.

Barbara: Tell me some numbers so we can get a feel for the scope of the disease as it is now.

Trisha: The Morgellons Research Foundation has over 13,561 reported families. Not persons, but families. Oklahoma State University has over 20,000 families registered. About 600 people have reported their disease to me, and some have reported to the CDC. My source at CDC told me that this is the most reported disease entity since the reports of HIV/AIDS. And yet so many people have not reported out of fear. The CDC wants to keep it quiet because they are afraid of mass hysteria and mass pandemonium.

There is a huge concern among many sufferers that they are going to be rounded up and put in a camp like lepers, so they don't report.

My husband is an orthopedic surgeon. He has seen six Morgellons partients come into his office, in a very small town, Brookville. These people just happened to come to him for their joint problems, and I have taught him what to look for to diagnose Morgellons. Barbara, if he has seen six right here, it means there is a huge epidemic. And since it is world wide, it is a pandemic.

The sufferers are frenzied, and scared. I can tell you with utmost certainty, at this point in the syndrome there is not a state large enough to hold all these sufferers. Look at the numbers from Oklahoma State University. The people with this disease are so secretive and opaque that this 20,000 is just the tip of the iceberg in my estimation.

I have a teleconference call every Tuesday evening with nurses from Florida to Alaska who are working with Morgellons sufferers. Last evening we went from 9 pm to 12:30 in the morning. I spoke to them regarding advocacy and how to help raise awareness. If you are interested I will see if they wouldn't mind getting you in on the next phone call. It is the nurses that are the ones who are giving out information and trying to help others and teach the doctors about this emerging pandemic.

Barbara: I'm almost afraid to ask this, but is the disease contagious?

Trisha: The jury is out on that as far as I am concerned. Many of the nurses caring for these people in hiding do not have the disease. I believe some can be contagious but I truly believe that would be the exception and not the rule. Do I believe that some were exposed to something else at the same time they contracted this...absolutely. I interviewed the captain of a boat on Monday and I spent five hours in their home. They were the most kind and decent people. The husband has the disease, but the wife and children do not. I hugged them all and did a very in depth assessment. Dr. Randy Wymore does not have the disease, and all the doctors I work with except two of them do not have the disease. Hundreds of people I have spoken with have one or two family members that have the disease, and the rest do not.

Barbara: What happens to people who are so reluctant to come forth?

Trisha: Since doctors are so unresponsive to these people, they have gone to the internet. There are boards all over where people talk about this disease. There are many videos on YouTube. They are giving each other advice and there are no medical professionals there to tell them whoa...hold on...please don't bathe in bleach, ammonia or toxic chemicals. Hold up on the dangerous advice. People who listen to this type of advice are going to have to make a decision in a few years about what type of lung cancer treatment they want. Or they will be looking for a liver transplant, because they have poisoned themselves. People with Morgellons become very desperate and understandably so, but treating themselves with chemicals they don't understand is so dangerous. Some take de-wormers and Ivermectin or Albendazole for the weight of a horse because they don't know how to calculate kilograms of body weight, and they get the stuff from a vet or a feed store.

Barbara: What is the knowledge about how Morgellons is transmitted?

Trisha: No one knows for certain how it is being transmitted. GMOs certainly have not been ruled out. Actually, nothing has been ruled out. I keep going back to water, soil, mold and pesticides. Water, soil, mold and pesticides, but I haven't as yet been able to get beyond that to a true understanding. I personally believe that it is man's misuse of the earth with Frankenscience, GMOs, and thinking they can rearrange natural ecosystems of the earth that has created this mess. I believe the disease is also vector borne in many cases. Some of the people I have spoken with distinctly remember a bite, then a red, raised area on the skin. Then it became a rash, ulcers and full blown lesions all over their bodies. Then the bugs. The bugs are the progression of Morgellons. No doubt about it. The sicker the patients become, the more the parasites build up in the body, the deeper the brain fog, and then they begin purging out bugs.

Vitaly Citovsky at Stonybrook in New York studied the fibers of 10 patients and said they had Agrobacterium Tumafaciens in their bodies (the bacterium that causes crown gall disease in plants), but what amazed him the most was that he found a biofilm on the skins of these people. It is almost like a pseudo skin. We have to penetrate that biofilm and draw this stuff out of the body or these people will never get better. If you don't, it will stay in the skin and get worse.

Dr. Kalani said the fibers from Morgellons patients were fungal. Because the body becomes like soil, fungus is attracted. The fibers are coated with the Agobacterium, which is a pathogenic fungus also known as Agent Green. Whether it is getting in the lungs, being ingested, or is vector borne or transmitted sweat to sweat is the big question.

I took slides to my friend who is an entomologist and we found fungal hyphae, alternarium, and pathogenic funguses on the slides. These are not things that grow in humans. They are organisms that grow in plants. So the human bodies of these sufferers are becoming like soil and that does that attract? Fungus, mold and parasites.

The bodies of people with Morgellons become very acidic and so we are working with pH buffers. Johns Hopkins and even Harvard have proven that many chronic diseases, especially cancer, cannot survive in a perfectly alkaline body. So, just as we raise soil alkalinity to make it more hospitable to plant life, we must alkalinize the body to fight these pathogens. If you look at my website, there is an alkaline chart and an 80% alkaline, 20% acidic diet is on there. But if you can't do it with diet, you can buffer your pH safely. There are websites that have great pH buffers and teach sufferers how to check their urine twice a day. If they are too acidic, they can take two buffers and not the whole bottle, and check their urine again in the evening.

We have so many people who worked at the Aberdeen Proving grounds (site of munitions testing in Maryland) that now have Morgellons. They were truckers for a multimillion dollar company called Horvath. I called the owner of Horvath and told her, "Do you not understand that you have truckers who are very sick because they were exposed to soil contaminants at Aberdeen?" This woman, Sheila Horvath, said, "[S]peak to my lawyer". No one wants to go up against this company in Maryland because they have power and money. The people with the disease and I want to know what was in that soil.

There are Morgellons sufferers in the Poconos and I speak with them when I can. They are having a hard time getting lost wages and disability, and have been called delusional. Barbara, they are the salt of the earth, just good, kind people. They are not delusional. I am beginning to think the doctors who label them only say "delusional" because they don't want to look at this.

Then, as you know, there are doctors with this disease. Dr. James Matthews in Maryland almost lost his license because he was trying to help people. I saw where you commented on Dr. Beverly Drottar in your earlier article. They are the tip of the iceberg. How many biologists have this disease? I know that nurses are the number one reported sufferers, and that teachers are number two. Is it because they are reporting their disease and not hiding? That is a question I have been asking in this political quagmire, but I have no answers.

I just spoke with a woman in Tampa whose husband has had Morgellons for three years. She has a drawer full of anti-psychotic prescriptions. Their home in Grand Cayman was flooded. When they went back to it two months after the storm, he contracted Morgellons. She told me you could smell the mold from the street. Now he is a full blown case because they searched for three years to get help before they finally found Dr. Susan Kolb in Atlanta. Now he has lesions all over his legs, moving into his abdomen with bugs coming out of his body. I got him in to see Dr. Cheryl Reed in Tampa. I just spoke to her and she said he is a mess. She is getting labs to determine his liver enzymes, and is doing other studies. The jury is still out on him.

Fusarium Osysporum is a pathogenic fungus that we have seen in skin scrapings from patients. This is being sprayed on crops in the war on drugs. I have guys coming back from Afganistan with the disease. What is the biggest crop there? Opium.

For more information:

Address for contacting Trisha is: aripekangel@yahoo.com

www.sunshine-project.org

http://www.morgellons.eu/

http://www.naturalnews.com/025757.html

more links

http://www.naturalnews.com/025757.html
http://www.naturalnews.com/023411.html
http://www.naturalnews.com/023004.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgellons
http://www.morgellons.org
http://www.morgellons.eu/

B is for Balance
( written for the NY Optimist )


Finding balance has always been a challenge for me I remember the first time I knew I was really out of balance, my lover at the time looked at me knowing I wasn't there and when they told me I wasn't there I knew I had some serious work to do. I was blessed to be with someone who cared enough to look at me and see the reality and express it without fear, I was blessed to be with someone who loved me enough to look me in the eyes and dig beyond my outward beauty my limitless sex drive and my facade which had everyone but me fooled.

At the time I was lost in a whirlwind because of trauma, fear and insecurity I had severed my heart and soul from my body. It happens often to those who have been raped abused or betrayed or who just feel they cannot handle reality, and the darkness and pain which sometimes comes into our lives. Because of the trauma I had lived through part of me was so scared to connect and so I hide, my mind body and soul were not connected. Because of that I didn't treat myself very well, I didn't sleep enough, move enough, eat enough, I wasn't loving to my body and because of that I had severed my connection.

That conversation was one of the things motivated me to go inside and start to face the things I feared, for in order to reconnect and in order to find balance i had to learn how to embrace every aspect of myself and my life I had to stop trying to cut out what I was afraid of, what hurt me, or what i didn't like and rather face the darkness and work with it and move through it. Balance cannot be attained without accepting yourself as you are for you are perfect as you are, no matter what you did or what was done to you, it is all just part of being . Balance is not about following lots of rules or guidelines but rather it comes down to love and compassion for yourself as well as those who have both loved and harmed you.

Finding balance started when I realized I was hurting myself and through that was hurting others, it started when I realized by not being there, I was not able to love. I wasn't there for myself, so how could I be there for anyone else. This hit me hard and broke down a layer within my soul, as the layer crumbled into a thousand splinters of sand I cried more then a few tears and then I dived into all of the things that I was afraid of. I relived being raped, I relived abuse, heartbreaks, deception, and went deep into the darkest places I had been I returned to them in order to be at peace with them. During the process I started to reconnect my body mind and soul, I no longer saw them as detached, as an object. I no longer saw myself as just something to use and abuse to push till I broke. I started to see myself as I was, not something to be punished or ignored but rather a beautiful creation to be nourished and loved.

Love starts within and as I started to love myself I was able to love my body, my story, I was no longer disconnected fragmented tied together in fear but rather became accepting of both the choices I have made as well as those which others made that affected me. Balance did not come from trying to be perfect but rather with accepting what was and working to love and nurture myself and those around me. Because of love not out of fear,not out of doubt but out of love the love that was so expansive it covered all fears all doubts all pain.

I see many I love, many I meet who struggle with finding balance, and usually when I look a them I see part of myself, for the only reason I have found any balance at all is that I have learned to listen to what my body needs, what my soul needs what my mind needs for when I listen its all there, it always was I just wasn't listening i was too busy hiding running rather then just being still and listening. Balance has come to me more and more the more I have stopped running, and rather started embracing what comes. If I feel I need to cry I cry, if I feel I need to touch I touch, if I feel I need to dance I dance, and the more I embrace and go with what is natural the more balanced and free I become.

Sadly the world is becoming more and more a world built high with distractions, all usually built to sell us something, to make us feel we are not pretty enough, rich enough, and so on, a world piled high with dogmas and fear based motivational reasons to start cutting apart our heart from our mind and body. This makes it more difficult to be balanced to be one with ones self. Often leading to sickness, disease, depression, and the slow separation from balance. I have found that I must tune into my soul in order to stay balanced and tuning in these days often means tuning out.

Tuning out is very hard for many I know and love, they are in positions of power, leaders, presidents, band leaders, artist, politicians, ceos, I find myself often encouraging them to spend time alone in silence or find something that connects them to there souls, be it their art creation music feelings meditation yoga sex or just being one with nature and themselves. I see and hear often they just don't have time and that is something I don't believe at all. We always have time, and the most important time there is spent is when your soul is fully connected and fusing together your mind body and soul for when one is off balance all are out of balance and the more balanced you are the more productive inspired peaceful and healthy you will become.

I have found I struggle to find the time to write, to make music, to meditate and do yoga, and so I have started making many of those things non negotiable as in they happen in one way or another. Currently I am always behind, on email phone calls, events, meetings, I am above my head in what I want and or need to do, but I have come to a point of accepting sometimes i need time for me, to get a massage, to practice yoga, to make love, to cuddle, to walk in nature, to laugh to sing, dance, create, read, meditate, dream, run, spend hours talking with friends, spending days working on opening accepting and connecting all of the layers of my being.

Many people ask how I do what I do, how do I stay looking young, beautiful, and have so much energy, these are things I believe we all want to be healthy, happy, free, full of energy and able to love and be loved. These things are not obtained through practicing rules but rather being in tune with yourself. If you are really listening to your body and you are about to eat something unhealthy the body will send you a signal either right before or after you eat it . If you are really listening to your soul when it wants your attention in order to give you a gift of creation or inspiration it may take you away from your job into the woods driving down the highway or just being alone in the dark.

I am still working on balance I always will be I don't have it all figured out, I just learned to listen to what my mind, body and soul needs, and the more I nurture and love myself completely and in a connected way the more I am given energy, ideas, love and joy. Sometimes I do things which to others seem irrational, I make the time to write rather then get back to all my emails, I make the time to do yoga even if it means doing it behind the stage for 20 min looking rather silly, I make the time to see my friends now and spend hours with them engaged in deep soulful conversations and connections, even though I have so much work to do I have learned the work will always be there and if I am not there for the work completely the work will suffer.

No matter how busy you are if you aren't showing up for life because you're not there that busy state will never leave behind what it would if you did less but were more present in what you did. If I come to a show or a shoot without sleep without a soul without my heart mind and body what I can give is so much less then if I took just a little time an hour a day a few days a month to recharge reconnect re fuel what is within for that is where it all starts and ends.
At this point in my life I have learned how to show up and to be present and I try to give that to whatever I am doing, if I am in a meeting I try to be there completely if I am with a friend I try to only be there with them in the moment, when I am on stage acting or shooting I do everything I can to connect and be present for those I am working with or performing too these things have helped me greatly for it becomes magic when you really connect.

In order to be able to be there for others be it in life or art I have learned I have to be there for myself and sometimes thats hard but I try to create my sanctuaries in my life be it in my car or in my studio or just a hotel room. At the same time I have learned the word no is essential to balance for sometimes you just have to be honest and say no, I can't see you, I need alone time, I am working on a project, or no this isn't healthy for me spiritually emotionally and or physically. But with no also comes the acceptance that when I say no others may not be happy about it, may get angry, hurt, or mad at me and sometimes I have to accept I cannot make everyone happy for if I never said no I would be consumed by people who want something from me often without any concern to how thats going to leave me.

It may sound selfish but at the end of the day if you are not present how can you love or really give. I love people I love nurturing giving and sharing with people but because of that I have also learned I must make sure that I protect myself and don't burn myself out by never nurturing myself. Often people wonder why they are so unhappy and more often then not it can be solved with a little bit of self love and self nurture. Balance is about finding a place where you feel peace, in mind body and spirit. Depression and anger are often just a symptom of lack of balance and the need for change. Sadly the western medical system treats anger, depression and insomnia with pills rather then pushing people to dig into the why. For if you are depressed, overweight, sad, can't sleep, angry, or sick chances are it starts with lack of balance.

Balance is not the same for everyone but there are somethings which can help you find your balance, the most important is to tune in, to be present, to listen and to really dig under the skin and ask why? are you sick because you are not giving your body what it needs? are you angry because you starve yourself from love play and fun? are you depressed because you are trapped in fear and are hiding under the bed of your soul from your demons? are you unable to sleep because it's the only time your soul and mind have a chance to talk and all of the sudden all the fear and pain doubt and loneliness come storming up and push past the barriers we so often intact to function.

I just want to encourage all of you to carve out time in your busy lives for your mind body and soul, to love listen tune in and be present with yourself and the world around you. Life is full of beauty and love as well as fear and hate but we can chose what we focus on what we believe what we invest our time and energy into. The dark is our teacher not our enemy and when things get tough it's a chance to expand to learn and to grow. Fear is what will put bars around us if we let it, for in the end there is nothing to fear, there is nothing we can take with us but the love we shared. The best choice I ever made was running into the dark, running into my fears rather then running away. Sometimes it takes every ounce of courage in my soul to face something or say something or create. But I push myself into the fear into the darkness I climb under the bed to see my monster only to find it was only in my head. Fear is often used as a tool to control, the more I face my fears the more balanced happy and free I Become.

Not saying its easy not saying I don't cry not saying sometimes it takes every single ounce of energy I have to do it but I keep being present even when it hurts, even when its hard, even when I don't know what to do, whatever it is wherever I am I just try to be there....

Jillian Ann

In my dream I delivered a baby it was pretty surreal, I was helping such an intense experience, I have never had a dream like that before. It was a girl she looked like me but wasn't me, I was just trying to help her get into the world. Then I found myself in a yoga class working on my head stand, I can do it with the wall or one leg, I am still working on overcoming my fear of being upside down? or that my bottom is heavier then my arms, my arms aren't strong enough? most of yoga comes natural but the postures which involve using my arms to hold the rest of my body up are far more challenging. I embrace the challenges just as I seek and embrace teachers which will push me further, pull me further away from my ego which is slowly starting to be stripped, I leave the house without looking in the mirror, I don't feel I have to wear makeup, I am able to find the gap, the space between thoughts, the silence...

Then after standing on my head in my dream, I was eating some of a piece or raw chocolate pie, once upon a time I wouldn't eat it out of vanity that extra calorie may take away my size zero. My obsessions were not healthy then, now sometimes indulging is a direct attack on fear, the fear of not fitting the mold of the perfect model,singer,girlfriend, the mold created by the industry. I may still be thin, but its from being healthy, I eat when hungry, I work out to feel good, I sleep to rest, I do things out of the motivation for peace and love, which also means loving myself, or at least most of the time, sometimes I of course, do things out of fear, cravings, etc, but even then I try to love myself and accept it in the moment.

Music and yoga are both good mediums for me to work with the soul, the mind, the body, both require me to surrender, to let go when I fall, to be ok making a mistake, singing a flat note, playing a key wrong, for without practice without returning without working with it, growing or creation is very difficult. Music was terrifying for me when I was younger for I had such expectations of myself, I was so afraid of letting myself and others down which for years caused me to be silent, and or scared to do it, and its clear in my voice in earlier albums, the fear comes through, It was real I was trying to work through it, and the frail, broken, voice was a reflection of that. Somedays I would find myself in tears, for hours between takes, the monsters in my head ripping me to peices were hard to overcome. Eventually they got quieter, and now if they show up they can't win for I believe in the process, which leads to the end creation, not expectations of the impossible for with work all is possible.... but we have to do the work...

Now my voice is stronger, still frail, but more confident, even though its been really hard getting here, and I am by no means perfect, but more attuned to my vision, my body is the same its still small, sometimes even frail, but its stronger, its more loved, I love it more, I am able to love myself despite the critics naysayers or my own expectations. Now if I perform and am off, I just accept there is still work to be done, its all about working with things and through them, just like in my physical body I have one week a month that its hard to stay balanced and I am working with it, working through it, accepting it needs something, even if its just more love and grace, acceptance and forgivness.

I try to be positive, and when I am not I try to see it, and accept it and work on the why, what was it, whats going on, why did I do something that wasn't loving, whats going on inside me? for anytime I say something even with a sense of humor thats not so nice I have to check myself, for everyone else is just a mirror, and if I am unkind to someone its because they remind me of something within me, its not about them, its really my issue...

I recieved a letter, from a very nice man in india, a very inspiring letter, a very uplifting letter, and it was amazing because the day before I had recieved a letter from another artist saying how I had a dark vibe and how they didn't want anything to with me in the past or future... the letter from the man in india was saying how positive and light I was and to keep shining... I am the same its there perspective thats different, I am what I am, how people view me has much more to do with them. Just as if I view someone and say they are light or dark positive or negitive it is based on my experience my perspection my view or reality.

It is this that can bring world peace or war, if we look at another and say they are evil, dark, inhuman, bad, then we can justify harming them, bombing them, killing them, if we look and say they are light or beautiful then its easy to love them... either way though its all about our perspective....

Non Judgement is something thats hard to actually achieve, as a kid I always used to look for what I had in common with someone, and I would always look for the beauty, the light, within them. I continue to try to do that, and when I find myself NOT doing that even with those who have harmed me, put me down, attacked me, I have to check myself. For at the end of the day we are all closer to each other then we may think.

Its hard to not want to just say your rapist, your enemy, your boyfriend who cheated, the women who tried to hit you, those who exploit you are not just dark, scum, just as for some its hard not to just say all police, government officals, or FBI, are "pigs" or working for the darkside, just as its hard for christians to really see atheist as light and love or vice versa. But it is all these things which cause us harm...

I've been labeled open minded, experiemtal, etc, but I just TRY and notice the word try like I try to stand on my head sometimes I fall, but I keep trying, to expand my own perspective to see the light the divine the love the beauty in ALL beings, this means animals, people, my lovers, loved ones, friends, family and enemies alike, and this is a challenge and sometimes I fall and have to keep getting up.

Anyways.. what does delivering a baby mean in a dream ( G.H ) where are you ? your one of the best at dreams.. you must be writing a book in canada :)

now time to go to music land...

xo

I'm awake kicking I finished the vocals for one song, I wish I had more time, I will next month I have so many ideas on how to add to it, I ran out of tracks on protools though which makes me sad:( I need more tracks, or something, although the good news is protools and I are starting to get along, its still a new world for me though its just not as intuitive or as intuitive in the same way as all the other programs I work on. Its like learning a new language most programs are all pretty much the same language wise protools uses different lingo for some of its tools and its confusing. But I am figuring it out, I got through this song without a problem grant I am not editing it down to one take just the 5 or 6 best ones per style per verse per line. Each take is a little different my voice does that, my voice has a mind of its own and always has, it can do lots of different styles but its attached to my creativity so it keeps changing little things and then my brain has to try to figure out which ones are the best one. Which is the hard part, these songs are new, I am reading the lyrics off the wall in our little home made vocal booth which works pretty well. It will be better when I know the lyrics but it takes a bit of time to memorize ten songs by heart but I am excited after this album I may make a acoustic version of all my best songs with just my voice and piano, I can do that at home alone, except the mixing, just me the piano, my computers and pro tools, it would be fun, then get remixes done.
This is my problem I am in the works of finishing 4 albums worth of music and already have another in my head, they just keep coming I just need more resources to make them all. Until then they just all sit in my head and spin around telling me to make them. I can't think of much else, music, albums, songs, ideas, visions, new sites, pictures, videos, all in my head, and I am trying to channel it all as quickly as possible without going crazy getting sick or losing my mind. Living in my headphones can make life seem a bit surreal, modeling, meeting friends, going to the gym, grounds me out a bit making songs is fun but also can be frustrating.
I am starting to run low again, its what happens when you take over a month off to work on music, I wish I could just snap my fingers and magically 5-10 grand would land into my bank account. Lets see I could sell 500-1,000 cds, but that usually involves a push with involves time, or I could go model for a month and a half, but that means leaving music land, but I will figure it out, although losing my mac means I have to do some digging to book work as far as shoots. I have to go meet some agents and casting directors in feb, so we will see, but I am hoping if I snap my fingers money will just magically find me. Sometimes it happens.
Of course its because making the music is one thing, then eating and paying bills while making it, and then having money to get it out to people, which means art work, graphics, websites, printing and pressing . I am blessed I have faith the music videos will manifest through creative beings who will like the new work and want to make some amazing dope surreal art. Photos I think we can figure out, printing and pressing always cost something, then getting it to everyone in the press and radio thats another expense, or working in a partnership with someone.
But I will try to keep my mind from running all the way to the future and then some, but my mind does that, it sees what can happen, then I just have to do the work...
So now back to the work...

I am going to go write lyrics because I still can't record them.
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball like your computer getting killed the week before a deadline and losing all your recent work , then someone you once looked up to and supported telling you they want nothing to do with you ever when you never harmed then, of course then you find out your car needs a major repair and its raining outside.

This is the place where if I want to cry for a moment I do and then just surrender, for as much as I don't understand it I accept it for its my teacher and its reminding me, I am not in control, and if I get angry about any of it well its worthless. I have found though when the walls get harder to scale it means there is something great building, something is about to happen something beautiful and good and all these little things are just here to remind me how to fight with love, with surrender, with accepting, I am not in control.

I remember in my church the kids were cruel, they would pick on me and exclude me because I didn't have the right clothes I was weird I wasn't like them and I remember how painful that was. It was even more painful when another one of the kids who was picked on and pushed out killed themselves. It was so painful it made me want to run away from these cruel people who have no problem turning there back on someone to feel better about themselves, or just because they thought they were better. The talked of Love and God compassion and none judgement but had no problem tearing others down.

I remember running away from it all, it made me sick, for to me that was dark that was cruel, and I would rather hang out with those who would accept me in my black clothes and intensity for who I was then to try to be someone I was not for the sake of being cool popular or accepted. In the end many of them felt bad, ten years latter when they realized they were cruel and caused suffering. I forgive them but I still think that type of behavior is what leads to war, suicide, and suffering, dehumanizing people because you don't get them or don't agree isn't loving its fear based. The only way to cut out another being is to demonize them and its a very easy thing for many people to do for whatever reason needed.

My stance is until you harm me and being near you is causing harm to me and you I am open, I don't have time to be 5,000 peoples friends but if I meet you and we are in the same room I am not going to treat you like a less then because of your dress, vibe, or energy, I may not follow you around but I won't be cruel. If you harm me try to beat me up, try to destroy me, then I may try to avoid being in your way because its not good for either of us, but you REALLY have to harm me more then once to earn that for I realize people make mistakes and we are all here to learn and grow and you can't learn and grow if your cut off for being human.

The music industry is another group of people and within it are many types including the types that remind me of the kids at church who used to pick on me, exclude me and try to make me feel worthless, or worth less then them. Just like the people who say "you'll never make it" they are like the bullies, the cruel kids, and back then when I would encounter them I would go hide and cry in the closet, and eventually ran away from all of it, this time, I am not moving, I am standing my ground, I don't care if someone excludes me, no one owns the world, or the stage, it is fair game.

I will make my stand for every freak and geek, everyone in black who people judge without EVER taking the time to look into there eyes and heart for many will hide there hearts under spikes to keep it safe from the mean kids...At the end of the day we are all connected and we are all in this together and excluding people or picking on them or trying to crush them is not the work of light, of love or truth. Darkness is not goth or black or loud music or intensity darkness is lies, dehumanizing people and tearing them apart.

Granted sometimes I have to catch myself, its so easy to say something not so nice and I usually put my hand over my mouth because I don't have a check point between my mouth and mind and SOMETIMES I can say things which may be true but aren't nice. I try to be loving but for me love isn't fake, its not about being popular, its not about winning, excluding, judging, or pushing out without giving even the freaks a chance...

I hope to see humanity evolve to a place where we don't kill over religion, color, or what WE think is right.. Where we don't pick on each other, tear each other down, harm each other, just in order to pacify fear insecurity or our need for power.... yet evolving to that place is painful, its difficult to love yourself or anyone else. I am working toward that place toward trying to love people even when they are mean, even when I don't get it, even when its not my cup of tea, but rather trying to understand it, then to just push it all away.

Open my mind, Open my soul, Open my heart, and try to love .. really love...

So today I am dusting myself off and going back to writing and looking forward to the next chapter and adventure, this time when the kids try to crush me bully me I am not running away..

I am feeling a little blue, blue is the color I feel when people put me down, push me out, label me, judge me, more so when I was nothing but positive and supportive of them. Then again I always had a hard time when people didn't like me or picked on me for no real reason, it makes me feel sad, for them mainly and because there is that type of energy in the world.

Then again as a teenager I was utterly enraged when people would put down gay people, people who used drugs, people who liked rock music, people with purple hair, even more upset when those people talked about love and non judgement. I just thought it was hypocrisy, I have always had gay friends, friends who did drugs, friends who run around naked, friends who believe in magic, friends from many religions, colors, classes,and to me they are all just people, and people deserve the right to be loved, even if you don't get them or why they do what they do.

Or did what they did.. but I suppose my compassion comes from pain, from suffering, from being the one everyone picked on, beat up on, pointed fingers at, called names, didn't understand and so now, even if I don't get it, I try to be supportive of the person for who they are. Sometimes it means standing up for people and fighting for them with words. Sometimes it means just not diving low, now granted there are people who I keep a distance from, but its usually after they have shot me and I just don't want to keep getting shot, but you have to shoot me, a few times usually to earn that. I wont do it because when you were 18 you got busted with pot or made a lesbian porno with your friend.

Then again Jesus to me, was my example as a kid and what I saw in Jesus was someone who made a point to challenge peoples perspectives on judgments, on labels, he chose thieves, prostitutes, murders, and freaks to be his saints. That always has been and will be one thing which I understand, the point is made, it doesn't matter if you were a hooker or a dealer you could and can still be a positive beautiful amazing person.

Nudity is a very controversial subject, and when it comes to Nudity I was of course told its bad to run around naked, but as a kid I was always sneaking off to go swimming naked, lay in the sun naked, I just liked being naked. I was a hippy, to me skin was beautiful clothes got in the way, I have always appreciated people naked, because its them in there true form. Of course my nature of being so free and open lead to some complicated situations when I was a new run away in the big city because for me nudity was beauty and natural for others it meant something else and sometimes there perspectives were not like mine. I learned through all those complicated situations and now I have a better appreciation and understanding, and I still like people naked, I like fine art, artistic nude, any form that captures people in there natural beauty thats not about using or abusing them...

Being Gay is another big subject, I was raised it was of course bad, but then I found myself being attracted to and in relationships with women. I cast off the program of its bad and just was with it, and it was a beautiful thing and who am I to judge who someone loves or wants to marry. I can go on there is a list a mile long of things which to some cause alarm and shock and others are normal life. In the end I feel love is what allows us to accept our differences and find what we have in common and work from there.

Being a sudo public figure, sometimes I feel like I am an tiger in a cage and people walk by and talk about me, some say awww how beautiful and some are scared and some throw stones at me. Just like I feel the tiger would be hurt if someone hit it with a stone so am I. I can accept that hurt, I can have compassion for the one throwing stones, but I also won't just sit there and let them stone me, at some point I will get up and walk up to my bars and look them in the eye and then roar, for I don't believe in fighting but I do believe in confronting, in dealing with situations, for I don't believe love is passive.

I used to just sit in my cage and let people stone me, then a wise women told me once " if you let them harm you, you are creating harm" ... Usually when people try to stone me I get up and take shelter find it in the arms of the divine in the support of the love which is always there and transcends all this pettiness and sometimes I get up look them in the eye and tell them how I feel then go back to my shelter.

Today I feel a bit blue, a bit overwhelmed with the challenges I am facing, and then getting hit in the head with a stone doesn't help. Its january and I just found out my baby needs some serious work done ( my car ) and well I am trying really hard to finish the album which means not modeling to stay here and work on it and so I am trying not to model till at least feb in order to make some headway but in Feb I have to return for a bit.

I hope this year when the albums are done to be able to have the time and the help needed to push them in the right directions and I hope they open the doors for me to perform more, for soundtracks , for sales, for doors and windows so that I can spend more time working on music. For at the moment I feel the pressure, for finishing the albums creates doors, but in order to finish them takes money and time, I want to finish them before seeking anything for them, that way they will be creatively created out of my soul, I am protective of the creative process, I want my songs, my lyrics, my music to come from my soul and am opening up to some, but want to let it grow and blossom so its real and not contrived.

I always feel the clock in my head, the clock ticking, its my internal clock, and I want to do some much create so much before I die, and each day its there, the muse, the clock, the energy which haunts me, and that I try my best to honor and support. I have made choices to create and to pay for my creation with modeling rather then other options because of the freedom it brings. Although some may not understand, I am free and have been the only bars are the ones I chose, I chose to make art all the time, some people don't understand, some people judge, some people love, but I feel better about that as a way of life then trying to be someone I am not, or be a puppet, ...

I love modeling, I love creating art, I love bringing life to projects, to art, to nature, clothing, walls, buildings, I see my body, mind and spirit as a way to express beauty, hope, love, truth, in its raw naked form, stripped of as much fear as possible. For I hope that if I can express things stripped of all the layers then maybe it can inspire. For that energy that clock is purpose and it pushes out of my skin through my voice and into the world.

Somedays its harder then others, today is one of those days, for I feel my intention is pure, and am at peace with why I do what I do and so when the stones come over and the list of things to do grows sometimes I just want to retreat and hide under my rocks by the big tree near the ocean with a few wolves who are my friends to curl up with and keep me warm and safe.

We as humanity have a choice to make, we can Love and support each other despite our differences or throw stones at each other out of fear. We are the ones who make this world heaven or hell. Through our actions, our words, our treatment of others. I want to make this world heaven, and I believe it is us who choses to make it a safe place, a loving place or a place full of fear and suffering.

I try not to throw rocks myself, its so tempting sometimes, but whenever I feel it I know now its coming from my own fear, my own view of reality which doesn't make it right or true. So I am trying not to judge even those throwing rocks at me.

As much as I wasn't happy with our last president and have kept my mouth shut for many reasons lately, I am not going to throw any rocks at our new president, I am not going to assume anything, I am only going to hope that something beautiful will come of it. I hope we can have our freedom back, that artist and people can express how they feel without fear of being labeled a terrorist, I hope we focus on what we can do to make the world safer healthier and more peaceful rather then focus on fear. I hope that we can express ourselves without fear of being put on a list, I hope that we can sell plants without the FDA and DEA sweeping in and taking people away who are just trying to heal through nature. I hope that there can be change, less fear and more openness, less hate and more love.

I sound like a hippy...
I just hope we can direct our energy toward healing ourselves our planet and each other, rather then throwing stones, dropping bombs, or trying to destroy each other just because we don't understand each other.

Now I must go work with my muse, and try to overcome my lack of understanding all the the ins and outs of protools ...

I am feeling a bit stressed out, I am trying to meet a deadline and deadlines can stress me out mainly because of myself I want everything perfect all the time. I want to finish four albums at once, re do my website make movies model write paint practice yoga maintain a marriage paint the house take care of the car and have a social life, not to mention writing songs, performing, rehearsing, and at the moment trying to manage it all. I tend to just try to do it, and thats what I am trying to do I just have more ideas, songs, song ideas, website ideas, etc then I can produce as fast as I want it.
Some people get depressed because they feel nothing is happening, I have trouble sometimes just trying to keep up and its an amazing problem to have I just have not figured out how to clone myself in order to finish it all or how to delegate. With my modeling its a bit tough because I work with lots of people I have friendships with and I would only feel good turning it over to someone I could teach and show how I do it because well I don't want someone not being nice on my behalf.
With music I am delegating I am working with producers and instrumentalist, but then my get it done yesterday kicks in high gear there and I get frustrated when I want it done yesterday and its not done in a week. Then again I believe I am capable of almost anything and so is anyone else and believe if I don't finish or get something done its a choice. So if I don't do it I am chosing to do it. I have so much piling up its making me feel like a fish under water behind the glass, lots of emails, work, music, printing, cards, cleaning the house, the car passing the CA drivers test, I have to take another driving test, I haven't had to take one since I was 16.
My music is going well but I can't write or record if G is here, I need privacy I like to do it alone with my little friends I like to be able to cry or scream or play the music loud. Another person here makes me feel like I can't do that. Granted its all in my head and I am fully aware of that, we have two studios one at the house for me, and one 15 min away for me and him but for now I have stolen the home set up for I like to run in the park write on the roof and make my tea...
I have written every album at home to date, at home in parks on trains planes by the ocean etc. I use the studios for recording and mixing but ideally someday I want a house or a house with a barn or a space on land where I can write and record, being in the city means never ending distraction which I love and have problems with and its really hard when its warm outside and nice and pretty I just want to go run around in the trees and play outside not be stuck inside .
I like playing outside, so once I finish this melody I will go out and rehearse for a bit before I record for a bit then write more then yoga, and I need to run, eat oh yes eating is good. Music can consume my life, I need to wash my clothing take a drivers test, clean the house, but music it is consuming everything right now and will till its done, but after the 30th I will be able to do a few more things like clean the house and wash my clothing, I am blessed I have enough I just keep wearing new ones, but all the things I like the most must be washed...
I am trying to find balance in all of this, trying to find the capacity to breath, to not get so excited so inspired so consumed I forget I am a human I need to eat to play to get sunshine and clean my room.
I feel bad I want to see and play with my friends I just can't till after the 30th , and my email well its over 300 in my inbox and my facebook and myspace are just impossible, someday soon I will get a coffee sit in the sun and respond to all of them, but not today..
and my website.. well its needs a makeover, it needs data management, it needs and update and well I have never found my Neo of the web world, and am still looking, but I need someone who will co create with me, and I have lots of expenses at the moment and its one thats not as high on the list as others..
but I am still looking for Neo, .. and trying to figure out ways to actually make it so people can buy the music and finish it all so I can release it properly and then from now on ONE or TWO albums or projects at a time, start finish do another, because at the moment i feel like the mother of four hungry children I have to take care of create feed and provide for and its a bit mind expanding.
Ahhh and shows.. I need to rehearse for, big shows in arenas in front of tens of thousands of people, and what am I going to wear... ok I will think about that in Feb, for now back to my children...

Jillian Ann

click to view

Awake... check.. breathing ... check ....

Yesterday I had to chill a bit, I hit a wall both mentally and physically. While traveling its hard to really work out for me, running is hard in the snow, yoga isn't always easy in hotel rooms, not to mention my schedule was insane there. I have returned to my hour two hour work out and after three days in a row my body felt very much alive and tired. So I slept ten hours, stocked up on some food, read,meditated, walked in the park and watched a movie. Now back to work, although I had to admit the work I have to do today is a bit of a challenge. I am prepping the instrumental tracks to record vocals, violin, and have Grant work on them as well. I have to make two mixes one with drums one without, write out all the chord changes, root notes, progressions and BPMS. Granted it makes everyone else's life much simpler but I will confess this is the type of work that I have a hard time with because its feels like homework.
But making music is not always about singing in front of 10,000 people wearing cool outfits or getting checks in the mail from songs being in films or music and sales. Sometimes its about homework like rehearsing which I rather enjoy, vocal lessons, hitting the gym, programming, mixing, pre mixing, making charts, and soon sheet music etc backing up hard drives, updating gear and of course trying to avoid the drama or remove the wall. Festival season is starting to book now, I want to finish the albums by the spring for a fall release and before all the festivals, festivals are fun, and often they are outside which means we have less complications when it comes to if people can hear me or not.
The music industry is shifting, changing, I have not been keeping up with it as much, when I need to I will dive in and do research, inquire, seek advice, before making any drastic moves, until then I am focusing on making music, performing, being healthy, and connecting with people directly because at the end of the day I feel for all creators be it products or music and art that is the future, direct contact with those who like your products creations arts etc. The internet has made this easy for us, the tools are all there, it can be done, it has to be a fusion of digital and real world I feel though to get anything to the masses, I am excited to finish the albums and shift a focus to a moment to getting it to the masses, that part has always been fun for its a challenge, making art is one part getting it to people is the other part.
Then there is of course if it connects with people, thats the magic, thats the part which can be predicted to a degree, or some can predict it, or see the potential, or not connect..Also there is levels of connecting, shock factor, humor, sexuality, soul, etc, people are so bombed with people trying to sell themselves on myspace, facebook, tv, movies, media, if they are anything I tune most of it out, I just don't pay it any mind but a few things will catch my attention, and then I will look into it and if its real it usually sticks.
It's a challenge reaching people without millions of dollars it requires word of mouth street teams and a collective effort, when this happens though its beautiful and amazing. I am hoping that technology and artist can find ways to really work together and integrate, so artist can make a living off art and still be able to have some if not all creative control, ( it already happens for some) of course file sharing free downloads etc isn't helping, I think sadly just like people often don't think of how there action is causing harm to the earth, we forget how we hurt each other, and although I want anyone who really can't afford my music to have it, Its not very easy surviving as an artist is people just take your music and give nothing in return. Barter, Tip, be on the street team, do something, I buy my music digitally these days, usually off itunes, and lots of it is from people I know, I could get it for free sure, but I know this artist spent hours, weeks, months and maybe there life savings making the song, the least I could do is give back 99 cents.
We have to support each other, if you sell food I can't just steal it, I could barter my music for it, I could barter playing for it, I could barter letting you use it for you to feed me, but I can't just take it, and if I can't afford it well then I need to offer something.
We have lots things we need to deal with and this is just one of them but its not just about music, its about taking, we can't just take and take from those who give and not give back, this includes the earth, artist, mothers, healers, etc, to become a generation of takers who care not for the world the planet or each other is not what we want. We have a choice we are dealing with it right now, the information is in our faces, we can wipe ourselves out like MANY civilization have before us because they got out of control and eventually something will happen to counter it, be it a new disease, collapse of the financial system, or anarchy and widespread blood shed because the only way to keep a balance is for all of us to Give and take... and find a balance in the giving and taking...
Its hard for me to give things on christmas to people who may not even want or need them, and as far as getting things I am practical, I of course like things but I only need what I need and not more. When I have more I try to give it away, be it time, energy, clothing, etc, although this year I want to do even more giving somehow, granted being an artist can be almost charity work, for many forget someone has to pay to make it all happen, and that person is me. I work and work so I can pay to make an album, selling it is never about making millions its about being able to make another record. Then again I make music because music saved my life, music has opened my soul and been a healing force in my life and I feel that is a gift I can give back. Thats why I do it, I am doing it because I want to be able to use it as a tool to inspire others to dream, to have hope. I had a dream, I had nothing but a dream and that dream is becoming realized and still is becoming, but the story behind the dream is one that I have yet to find the words or medium to tell completely but in time I am sure it will all find its way out.
When I am done, I hope to leave behind more then a took...

Yesterdays song came fairly effortlessly sometimes that happens and other times I have a hard time focusing. Writing is easy its the arranging and mixing which I force myself to do in order to learn even though for the final albums others are mixing them but I am getting better, I really like dynamics, theatrics, emotional music. I loved beethoven, NIN, Tori amos, and some Bjork, earlier Portishead, etc and other bands that had intense dynamics emotions and theatrics, to me a good song has always been one that moved me, made my heart feel like it was going to come out of my chest or that I could run a million miles or scream, cry, dance or laugh, it moved me.
I like intense music, I am at so many festivals and venues now, I hear so much music, when I am not making it I listen to it obsessively, and in the tour van I listen to not often by choice what others like to listen to which means I have had to listen to some hip hop and rap, and some of it is very good, but most of it I just get bored of then again I like movements, I like things which have sections dynamics where the music alone can tell a story.
I used to sketch out a song start to finish in a day or two, but I haven't been able to do that because our good mic and good pre amp has been in the shop for various reasons and so I have been focusing on writing the instrumentals and will continue to write more for the next few days then go in and work on sketch vocals, ... I am told the instrumentals are so good, which is good, the downside is now I have to write vocal lines that are as good or better.
Pressure...
I just write music and when I start a song I finish it even though I may not use it, its principle, finish what you start and don't stop till your done.. of course this is not so easy to always do sometimes I struggle with a song. With music it just comes, I don't think about it much I just play and feel, I did my thinking I learned how to structure and write standardly structured songs, I went to school in New York for engineering and advanced music theory and am in and out of vocal lessons all the time plus the years of piano lessons I had, I learned enough to know how to read and write music. But I don't think about it, I think thinking about it defeats it I think songs are like ghost, like spirits, you can't think them, they just are.
When I work with others, I try to talk in the emotions talk, granted in the mixing process I have a perspective but it has to do with feeling, sometimes a song gets killed in a mix, rather then made more alive.
After these albums are done and out, or on the way out ( for that will take my time and money of course) I need to update my system, the only thing I do on a PC now has to do with writing music, because I haven't switched. I do all my writing and arranging in a PC then go into Pro Tools to record live instruments and vocals, then it gets handed over from there for the boy stuff, additional beats, better bass etc.
I need to learn to write and record into a MAC so I can travel and write, I am a bit of an addict I really like my triton 88 weighted keyboard to write on, for it feels "almost" like a real piano and thats important and so giving that up will be hard. But if I want to travel I could take my digi 003 my keyboard a mic and a mac and I would be good, so I am going to invest in Logic for I have protools and reason and then I need to gather some plugins and sit with someone and watch them use the program for I learn quickly and I find I learn the easiest by sitting over someones shoulder and watching.
The next albums I want to venture into writing on many platforms, for each one has its quirks, I hear live is good as well so I may venture to learn that one.
I have found I have had no problem learning any computer programs, its like I am one with the thing, from final cut pro to pro tools they usually come easy to me, reason and live may take a moment for its not laid out in the same way it seems.
I am excited about all the albums, and am trying not to get so excited I write four more that take me four years to finish, but now I think I have figured out how to finish them and know enough people who can help me do things like play violin, drums, bass etc, because I know what I am best at, and what others are better at. I will never be able to play drums as good as someone who played them for ten years just like violin ...
Speaking of music I should go and write a new song today..

xo

1 cucumber
2 celery sticks
1 tablespoon spirulina
1 tablespoon of vitamineral green
1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon of curry powder
1 tablespoon of cumin
1 tablespoon of nama shoyu soy
1 teaspoon of flax oil
1 teaspoon of hemp oil
1 lemon - just the juice
2 tablespoons of red onion
2-3 garlic heads
1 avocado
5 mint leaves
2 tablespoons of ginger
1/2 cup filtered water
1 tablespoon of dulse flakes
----
I just put all of mine in a food processor and hit go or a blender
I had a sheet of raw nori paper cut or torn up in the soup
and if you really want to go for it add some brazil nut cheese
which is simple to make

Brazil Nut Cheese
Soaked Brazil Nuts
Garlic to taste
Salt to taste

put all of the above in a food processor and hit go
( blenders don't work well for cheeses )

Recipes To Heal Yourself - Raw Healing Aids

Green Soup

1 or 2 Avocado
3 Cups of Cucumber Celery Juice
2 Tablespoons of Minced Ginger
2 Garlic Crushed
1 Teaspoon of cayenne Pepper
3/4 Jalopeno Pepper
1 TableSpoon of Flax Oil
1 Tablespoon of Hemp Oil
1 Tablespoon of Pro-biotic Powder
extra if you have it or want it
1-2 tablespoons of vitamineral green or spirulina
1/4 cup of soaked seaweed


First make the 2 cups of Juice with a juicer use ONLY organic veggies if possible
Then mix everything in a blender or food processor blend on high till it becomes a soup
you can also add more oil, cumin, olive oil, tomato, red peppers, etc to taste
I often add more garlic and cayenne pepper cause I like it spicy... This soup is excellent
at healing and also alkalinizing the body and its yummy too and easy to make
feel free to alter or substitute if needed to your taste buds


Coconut Curry Soup

1 Young coconut using everything in it ( if you want to get advanced make it into coconit kefir first)
1/8 of a cup of flax oil
1/8 of a cup of hemp or olive oil
1 jalapeno pepper
1 avocado
1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
1 1/2 teaspoon of indian curry pepper
1 tomato
1/2 cucumber
2 garlic heads crushed ( I use 3 but it depends on your garlic tolerance)
2 tablespoons of minced ginger

Put everything in a blender add more or less spices depending on your taste use all organic if possible
Blend on high till it becomes a yummy looking soup then enjoy, if you are on a diet use half an avocado and a whole cucumber :)


Ginger Brew

I drink this almost everynight and more so in the cold and flu season or when under lots of stress

Ginger use between 3 tablespoons and 1/8 of a cup for 2--5 cups use more depending on how spicy
you want it or how much you are making
Lemon 1-3 depending on how much you are making
Mint Leaves use between on teaspoon and one tablespoon depending on how large a batch
Cayenne use between one teaspoon and one tablespoon depending on how large of a batch

Cut up or grate or mince the ginger and put it in a pot with purified water ( the best water you can get )
heat with low eat for awhile 20-30 min or more.. keep an eye on it and taste it when its spicy chances are it is done...

Then add fresh squeezed lemon juice, the mint leaves, and the cayenne pepper
then sweeten to taste.. I advise using Stevia if you are sick and have a sore throat use a little raw honey
but in general stevia is the best sweetener heath-wise available on the market now. Raw honey though is useful when sick with a sore throat it helps the pain go away and it heal faster.


--------------------
I did the above for one day with the addition of

Green Juice

Cucumber
celery
Ginger
Garlic
Lemon
Dandelion
and a green apple

( juice to taste)

and the following herbs and food based supplements

E3 live
Reshi
echinacea
Camu Camu
Sangre de Drago (amazonherb.net)
Sumacazon (amazonherb.net)
Illumination (amazonherb.net)
Lunazon (amazonherb.net)
and
Vitalase

My sore throat is gone today.. so that was quick...

more soon

I'm Wearing Black this Xmas
It seems the holidays can stress us and our bodies out, the traveling, the feeling of having to shop etc. I know for me the fall has been extremely hectic involving lots of travel and a non stop schedule. The last week has been a bit of an attempt to recover and yet keep up the pace. San Francisco is cold, my house is old and cold and so it didn't take long for me to catch a sore throat. Its gone today for the most part but a sore throat for me is a sign a signal my body needs a vacation and some healing. So I spent the day healing and making some presents. Below is what I did and its working, I also went to the sauna and did a internal cleanse.
I feel a bit torn about the holidays, because of all the waste, all the garbage, all the excess, as well as all of the conflicts and depressions that seem to arise, for sadly x-mas has become nothing more then a day about shopping and presents. Its nice to get and give gifts but I would rather do it as I feel not because I am being told to....
I also know for many of us we have deep often unspoken conflicts with our families from our religion to our sexuality, from our eating habits to our daily lives and I know for many including myself the holidays means sometimes having to feel like a animal in a cage or a heart behind a mask. Granted things are better for me now, but as much as I want to tap into and tune into the holiday cheer, I don't like doing things because I am told to or worse pretend to mean something I don't...
I was shocked CA isn't letting the gays get married, its a bit sad to me, I mean if you love someone you love them, who cares.. then again I remember being with my girlfriend in Georgia and wondering if we were going to get in trouble for breaking the law , I can relate, and part of me wishes we could just come to a place where we could let other people be free, even if we don't agree...
I want to celebrate things that matter, not things that don't and for me the things that matter have nothing to do with a dead bird, or a plastic Jesus, but rather love truth and freedom, but sadly we can't even seem to agree on those things...
Part of me wants to dress and mourn on Christmas, for all those we have used our tax dollars to kill, for the planet we are killing each time we disrespect it, for all those we look down on because they love someone we don't think they should love, for all those who are so sad and feel its so hopeless they kill themselves, and for all those who think any of this stuff we buy and or collect means anything.. really..
and after that I will spend sometime hoping, we can stop the killing, hoping we can all be healthy, hoping we can all really learn we are all the same and in this together, you me the planet the animals, hoping we can overcome our fear and greed and let love and creation life and truth be our motivation. Hoping for an awakening to somehow spread across the world and reach into each soul and spark the light... Hoping we can put our religious, racist, sexist, old worn out ways behind us and learn that in the end all of it is meaningless ... and all the energy we waste hating fighting killing over something we NEVER can own or control is just killing us slowly...
We don't own this land, this country, this world, we are just visitors, and if we don't treat it that way we may not be allowed here anymore.. Sometimes I think we need aliens or something to come down and shake us and wake us up and remind us that we are not the only ones here, we don't own and control it, we are allowed to use it and if we misuse it we will end our own life... or not be allowed here anymore....
Its hard for me, I used to be asleep, sleep walking, but I couldn't stay that way sometimes I tried, but my spirit refused or it would die, and if it died I died so I stayed awake even though there are days I wish I could be as dopped up as the 50 percent of my fellow americans, but I know it never works, and in the end you have to deal with your own spirit... and your own actions, and so I am awake, but being awake these days is like being on acid because the world just gets stranger and further and further removed from nature and from our natural selves....
I want to go back, but it's getting hard to go back because we are covering the land and the sky with our footprints... I must admit although I know its hard I feel the downfall in our economy may help slow us down from our destructive unaware ways, I hope they make less cars or at least ones that use less gas, I hope people buy less stuff, I hope people realize this system they believe in can fail just like any system just like a computer crash and its not the source of life or happiness even though we have been taught to believe it is....
This holiday try to remember what matters not what you've been taught that matters... spending time with each other is good, thats a positive... there are positive things, but none of them can be bought or sold...

Love.......changes and new amazing pictures
becoming aware of how everything is connected is one of those mind blowing realizations
putting into action change is something that takes lots of time initially for sadly in this country at least we have been raised to consume and waste.

I have become very aware of my consumption and waste, be it an old paper bag or old clothing a cup or a movie ticket stub, and all of this waste I view now very differently. For each time I throw something away I know its going back into our water our air our soil. Sadly we are already feeling the effects although some of us may not realize the very reason we need drugs or pills for stress, anxiety, depression, actually is a side effect of our own lack of awareness and respect for what we are doing and how its affecting the world.

We are based on consuming and that has to change and we have to change it sadly changing it means either the companies that are making products for us to consume must change or will have to fold or will continue to slowly harm us and the world. The problem is we cannot continue to consume endlessly without destroying ourselves and the earth. Forget about God and the apocalypse we are going to bring it on ourselves if we don't all change and change soon.

I have been slowly adapting my life and I still sometimes throw stuff away, but I try to waste less and less stuff, I try to avoid packaging, things I don't really need, and not consuming unless its something I really need. Holidays are a complicated time for me, for seeing the sheer amount of waste with wrapping paper and packaging, getting and giving gifts that are not even needed etc hits a button within me that causes me to rebel a bit.

I am planning to give a gift maybe more then one digitally, and for the people I am sending gifts to they will be long lasting or eco friendly, I am voting with my dollar, for in the end that is what we have to do if we want them to change. All these car companies who are in trouble could have been making electric cars and more fuel efficient cars years ago and chose not to. I feel sad for those who work for them who are losing there jobs, but not for the ones who have made choices based on short term profit and created cars that now we are shipping to Russia because we don't want them. Great so now russia will be filled with cars that use far to much gas and we will continue to suck the blood out of the earth.

We have to change, we as in all of us, everywhere, and start now, we cannot continue to live and base our lives around consuming and wasting, rather then giving and taking, I mean we all take so much for the earth when is the last time we gave anything back? Granted I am not a eco saint or anything I am just becoming more and more aware which is why I am writing this for I hope you will read it and when you eat, drink, buy, consume, waste, when you make choices you think about it rather then just acting blindly following the programming brought to you by the ad agencies and the companies spending lots of money to get you not to think....

Maybe I am becoming a bit of a pagan but I feel we are all connected and all connected to this planet and if we kill this planet we will all die and we can stop it but we all must act now, not tomorrow not next week not waiting for Jesus or some savior, we must all just do what we can in little ways.

Love each other as you Love Yourself.....
what if that meant everyone, in all nations, all colors, all sexual orientations, all walks of life
what if that meant loving the earth land sky ocean as you love yourself
what if that meant all the plants land sea ocean air animals

In the end in all religions the heart of the message is that and that is the only message we can't forget
and if we do we will all kill the planet and each other....

Now Love each other as you love yourself for me
is beyond here beyond my country beyond the whole worlds population
but also includes the earth ocean land sky sea and every creature on it
no matter how big or small

and so this holiday remember that is the only gift we can ever give that will really matter

love........
and love is free and has no waste....

I should be sleeping
But I returned to my old home
and despite the fact that my life seems to be going well, and things are all unfolding like magic. I am seeing things which cause me to pause and to dig and search. But the truth seems elusive, conflicting stories, conflicting news, from the mainstream to the depths of the conspiracy world, I have been glancing collecting connecting reflecting. Then adding in the stories from people across the country, the globe on the streets and then what I am seeing with my own eyes.

What I am seeing now, in the big picture is enough to blow my mind which has been blown in so many ways already.It can handle it, and this, for this is expected. but walking down my beloved streets I see store fronts closing all over, bars, coffee shops, I see and hear of thousands losing homes, jobs, I see the government spending billions of dollars we don't have which will have a consequence which will hurt the middle class even more then the recent losses.

Systems...

We have been programmed to believe in them, to worship them to work for them, these systems are not based on human rights, and often can be more sadistic then the most intense experience I ever encountered involving sadism. These systems were and have been built not to sustain, not to support the earth, humanity, human rights, much less health, love, peace, and nature. Rather they have been built or have become consumed and created a world that thinks consuming in our purpose, is our God, is all there is.....

Now this facade of consumption of unlimited pleasure of irresponsible actions not only of those in high positions but everyone of us who has treated what we had with lack of awareness or respect is melting, is crumbling is coming apart at the edges. The world as we know it is starting to change at such a rapid speed that it would be easy to sleep through lots of it and wake up wondering why there is no air to breathe.

Adapt or die....

It sounds so harsh but as far as I can see what we are dealing with is far more complicated then printing money and a crumbling economy. We are dealing with closing in on a time and place where if we don't act now and everyone of us as much as possible our very life source will not be able to sustain us. I just watch the amount of trash, garbage, chemicals, medications, go into the ground, into the air, into the water, into our hearts, our minds, our bodies our souls and as we are draining the planet, we are draining ourselves... It is becoming harder and harder to get real food, real water, that comes from nature, because the very air and water the soil which is where our food our water and air comes from is becoming thick with our garbage thick with the leftovers of our consumption.....

What is hard for me is I see the sky and its not the same sky I saw as a child, I taste the water and its not the same water, and as much as politics and religion and systems and jobs matter, if we don't stop focusing on how upset we are we cant buy a new movie, ipod, audi, or that our company is gone, and realize that if forget that at the end of the day there was nothing to support us in the start except the earth and each other... and if we destroy our connection to the earth and each other we will wipe ourselves out...

Forget god needing to destroy the earth we are doing it ourselves.. we US ME AND YOU.. forget everyone else, forget blaming it on the government or your boss or your mother or father, its about me and you and us.. we are the ones who can make a change, and if we focus on trying to find someone to save us rather then just dealing with reality and taking responsibility for our own actions we are all the ones who are creating our own hell on earth....

The power of nature of the human mind body and soul is we are capable of creating and destroying of loving of hating of healing or killing, and we can work with that internal energy to heal ourselves each other and our planet or we can chose to let fear and doubt and blame debilitate us until we sink with the ship.

Adapting
is on a spiritual level on an awareness level on a level of knowing this system government religion job is not going to last forever just like an economy, and if we are not attached to it as our lifeline we can Adapt. But we have been programmed trained taught to be attached to it as a life line and so the hardest part of adapting and being aware and dealing with the ever changing reality is within...

I know many are struggling afraid hurting .. and there will be many more, I know human rights are taken away, people are starving, dying, killed, sick, homeless, broken.. I hear, I see, I feel, I know, its in my blood, in my flesh, in my soul, its part of me, so it never ends, it is part of me, I am part of it, and I know suffering will always be, but if we can let go of these ideas, of what it is to live, to love, to be free, to have security, if we can expand our hearts and souls to realize that we are all in this together...

I don't care what religion race creed color sex or what you have done, we are all in this NOW together, and all this war, and fighting, and killing each other and hating each other and fighting is just killing us slowly inside out... I know I may be an idealist I know people say its impossible, I know I know but really, maybe we can overcome it little by little day by day in tiny ways... and maybe if we all just try, and accept ourselves when we are hurt, sad, angry, lonely, and accept it as ours, and not anyone else's...

I am writing from a life where I have had nothing and no one, where I have lost everything, and maybe had everything, where it all has taught me the only thing that can save us will not come from outside of within .......

So I write this, I hope to inspire you in these times, to look within, to take responsibility, to use all you have mind body and soul, to adapt to cause change to be the change...

we have to be the change we want to see in this world, right here, right now, ..... for there may not be a tomorrow....

One day
I will be gone
all that will remain
are these pictures and songs
these writings and thoughts
forever captured in bits of space

I was one mans lover
another mans broken heart
ones sister
anothers healer
anothers saint
anothers sinner
and all this will be gone
as will I

I will return to where I came
and will return as I came
and this body will be
nothing more then
images burned by light
captured in past times
and some will remember
and some will forget
and I will leave
footprints
marks
in the energies
of the earth
between the heavens
and here

death is my friend
as is birth
and inbetween
I do as I can
to leave behind
parts of myself
in hopes
to inspire another
to remember to dream
love
live
express
create
love
live
in peace

for each day
may be my last
and each word
may be my last
and each pictures
may be my last
and each song
may be my last
and so I give my all
my heart
my body
my soul
for tomorrow
may never come
at least in this flesh

and each moment
I have
I hope to give
some of
for the next
for all
forever
in each act
of creation
in birth
breath
death

For I am here
only as a flash
a light in the sky
that will vanish
into the darkness
as lightening strikes
then fades
as will I
at least from this flesh
yet my spirit
will return
to its home
wherever it is
it is

I know not what it is
but I know it is
I know not who I am
but I am
and each moment
is gone
like each life
each death
each breath

so this life
I dedicate
to the creation
of beauty
of music
of life
of love
of passion
of peace
of truth
of the moment
of breath
until
I pass
on

Like the lightening
in the sky
it flashes
then fades
into the darkness
of the night

Directed by Fabric Grange
With Jillian Ann
Justin Hyte
Lady Lovely

Hosted by SoloModels.com
( because there videos look so much better then you tube )

Seth Speaks, Touring, Corsets, Coffee and the Plaza Hotel
( Image from NYC at the Plaza Hotel ) me drinking expresso :)


I am reading one of the Seth books, which is a good read, one of those books that pushes you to think and thinking is good. Questioning reality is good, I usually read it in my sea salt, lavender, and coconut oil baths ( I make the salts myself) it helps me relax.
I have been making lots of things myself, chocolate ( raw of course ) sea salts ( inspired by Alex ) food, and I keep wanting to get a sewing machine, when I was younger I used to make some pretty things with a sewing machine.
I need to be packing, I didn't get to rehearse as much as I like, I need more time, I was given a new section to a track yesterday and being the perfectionist I am singing something live without really knowing it always makes me feel like a little girl about to be judged if she slips on the ice. I suppose thats the downside of putting yourself out there when doing it as an artist your putting yourself out to be loved or hated supported or torn to bits. I have been doing it for a long time and my skin is thicker then when I started, or maybe rather I just don't care anymore because if someone judges me its usually more about them then me.
So I tend to only step out or up when I feel ready, or else when I have no choice which happens sometimes.
Last night he got home at a bit after three, I had taken my herbs that make me sleep, for my mind wasn't sleepy and I had to sleep, so when he got home I was half gone.
This morning he woke up at 8, I slept till half past eleven, sleep is something I need in order to survive, to feel alive, its one area of my life I have made drastic changed. I like my sleep and I like at least 7 hours 8 is better and 10 is heaven, dreaming is important to me as well as allowing my body to heal and to work in itself.
I burned my finger on a candle, so as I was going to sleep I soaked it in cold water, then worked on it a bit with energy till I feel asleep this morning it doesn't hurt just a slight bump, sometimes I move faster in my mind then my body, and I do things I think I can do but my body may not like. I have to go pack and get ready to leave, and eat something, its a long drive and chances are when we get there finding food may not be high on everyone else list of things to do. I have feet though and an Iphone and worst case a taxi and can usually find somewhere and something to eat and rather enjoy walking around or doing yoga while the "boys" set up.
I love nature I love being outside and being stuck in a van is always a bit hard on me, so if its not to cold or even if it is I like to walk and I think our show is in casper tonight which will be fun we stay at the venue so I can get ready and do yoga and vocal warm ups in my room, its by the ocean so its beautiful to walk around there;) I am actually excited now that I think about it. Tomorrow our show is in Reno, reno is a bit strange but its small enough I can walk around and walk usually from the hotel to the venue, and last time I was in reno I adopted bumpy which I need to find, bumpy is a plastic toy dog we take with us on tour, and if anyone has a problem they tell it to bumpy, or aka " tell it to the guard dog"
Then after Reno is Humbolt, which is pretty and usually a pretty cool place to walk around and that will be a fun show.
I packed my corsets and now I need to pack the curling iron and lipstick and get ready, and eat something, even though I don't want to I know I need to, .. casper is a very cool place though so I am excited about going there, its by the ocean and in nature and I love places like that.
Wish me luck
More soon:)

Morning comes late my nights have switched back to music mode meaning I get to sleep at 3 or 4 in the morning. Yesterday at yoga my teacher pushed me, I was having a hard time, it was hot, I felt weak, something I ate was still alive. When doing a double pigeon he came and pushed me all the way down into the floor, I felt my lower back come alive, hurting pounding I kept breathing, sometimes yoga reminds me of S&M. Moments of pain followed by relaxation and rest, the extremes expand the mind for it is usually only the mind that prevents me from doing any of my yoga postures deeper or more intensely. Just as it was my mind that has a child had me frightened of pain, until I decided to overcome it through taking it to an extreme. Now if I feel pain in my body I know it will pass be it because I sliced my finger or I burned my neck or I pulled a muscle, I see pain as part of life at least in a physical sense, and I know chances are given enough rest proper water and food my body will stop hurting grow new skin and heal for the body is utterly amazing in that department.

Its the mind that builds prisons, its the perspective that puts me behind bars, the bars aren't really there, unless I build them with my mind. I have challenged the metal bars a few times, chances are much of it has to do with being taught I had to follow lots of rules in order to be good, for just the notion of having to conform to a life that seems to go against nature and natures desires was extremely conflicting. The first time I decided to attempt to melt the bars I took lots and lots of drugs, mainly mind altering ones, the ones that can reprogram your brain by expanding your perspective so much its like being in another world. Then I took it further to the line between life and death, between insanity and sanity, between feeling and being, and in the end drugs were a trip for me, like traveling the world, like a teacher, then I felt I couldn't learn much more at that time and place and so I stopped. Some of them had caused my body to not feel so great, but I believed bodies were energy and could be healed and so I focused on healing it, fixing my liver, healing my brain etc and rapidly came to a point of feeling well most of the time. Granted I use food as medicine, herbs, plants, are medicine and I tend to know or seek to find out if I don't know which ones are good for healing with problem.

The process melted many bars then I explored the space of pain and pleasure and it melted more bars, then I traveled, expanded, melting more bars , then meditating for days, and now I find yoga useful, for its my mind holding me back, which is why I love it when my teacher pushes me even if it takes them sitting on me or using there physical strength to expand my minds capacity in relation to my body, I realize my mind is powerful and my thoughts affect at least my perspective and reactions and actions to the world. I do believe if I focus on things I can manifest them to a degree. I do not believe if I sit here and imagine a big house it will just happen, just as if I focus on making an album but not actually doing it it wont happen. As an artist I entered the world of art, with a very open mind and was quickly told I had to make everything fit into little boxes, each portion of the industry ( more so 10 years ago) had a box and it had to go into a box to be sold, and if it didn't fit in a box it couldn't be sold. I decided I would be 100 boxes all in different ways, with modeling this lead to me being one of the first who was openly making art, and doing edgier work as well as the typical fashion and agency work. At the time the internet was not filled with art models, traveling models, touring models, at the time, not many were expanding into the multiple worlds and at the time it was a bit counter cultural. But as a good model without bars, I felt only my mind held me back and or only other peoples minds and so I did lots of work to breakdown bars. Now days I see thousands of models doing the same thing, granted models have been doing it for years but less openly, In america nudity causes such a response still ( its getting better ) but as a model nudity was part of the art and part of the creation.

At this phase I have chosen to focus my work into the worlds which I enjoy admire and feel the best in, some is fashion I work with designers often and love working with people who are younger and newer, I have a good face for beauty so I do lots of that. I adore corsets and love some of the more classic inspired pin up and glamour bent a bit towards helmut newton styled. I love fine art and in fact have been starting my own collection of fine art and artistic nudes, I love bringing a place, idea, emotion to life, and as a model I am doing better then ever. Granted at this point I still can pass for 19 but have more then a decade of being in front of a camera, in many forms and fashions so I feel comfortable and confidant in my body and with my work. I love working with people traveling making art and meeting people. I don't think I will retire till I can't work and I have learned you can just keep morphing.

Music I started with classical was trained and wrote classical, then made experimental electronic, then made more down-tempo electronic, then made Neverland which is industrial, electronica, hybrid stuff, then got lots of attention and decided to work on something till I was really happy with it. As things go its not one album it will be 4 and maybe 5-6 in the next year or so, after that I hope to make one or two every year or so till I die. I can't stop making music when I do my mind just implodes, but I am also not good at just making music for other people, so with the work I am working on and working on finishing I am going to put it out there, and push it, and see what happens. Its more important for me to make it, and put it out then it is for me to be rich, if it makes me rich cool, if not I will manage, I mean I know how to live off next to nothing if needed, I have many skills, I am not worried. Those working on the music with me, all believe in it, and believe it will do well in its own worlds. I feel a bit like an army though having to protect a child till its old enough to be set free into the world. Which is why no demos have been posted, no roughs, its being kept downlow till its done. Some have heard it those working on it, but I haven't even played it for my friends in AR or management because I want it to be as finished as I can bring it. I am happy with the musicians who have been working on it, with us, I love them all they are all very fun people and its been a very positive experience. As much as I want it done yesterday I am trying to not kill myself realizing sometimes things have to take me away from it like modeling, acting, illness, or taking care of myself. I realize I can only give what I have, I can only channel what I am open to and if I kill myself nothings coming out.

I am going on tour, I haven't talked much about touring, sometimes its very frustrating because I have a voice that even if I project it can't be as loud as music thats already been pushed and mastered out, sometimes I stand on stage and know people can't hear me, thats really hard. Sometimes they can and when they can its magic and when they can't I feel like I am back in yoga in one of those really painful poses, knowing it will end but hoping it ends sooner then later. Sometimes the person running sound isn't paying attention, and they miss me and don't patch me in or pull me up or pull them down to pull me up, sometimes something changes between soundcheck and the show and I get feedback, but when people can hear me its always pretty good. A singer without a voice is kinda like a dancer without legs, I am performing with another band, I am part of it, it isn't my band, I did write the songs and some of the music of the songs I am on, when it works its magic, when it doesn't sometimes I find myself escaping the venue as quickly as possible so if I end up crying I don't cause a seen. Granted its because my soul is in those songs and when I perform them with others they may or may not care as much as I do, just like whoever is running the sound, if they care it always at least feels better if not sometimes I just feel like I am doing all I can but we all have to work together and if one person isn't the music suffers...

I get a very positive response, from men and women, more so of course when I am heard, which is very helpful, and even when they can't hear me they just tell me because it seems they want to... In other projects like Liberation Movement and my Solo project we won't have that problem because if I am the anchor rather then just one of them I know it is vital and so it won't happen there, and I am trying to take it in stride with HDC, for I love what they do, and I love being a part of it, its just its a loud, very masculine band and here I am the little girl, with the delicate voice, and so its a bit of two worlds colliding and so sometimes its hard for me to be heard. I used to dress down but then I decided I was going to wear what I want and so I am trying to collect as much feminine beautiful sexy but still sleek and edgy clothing for stage gear, I want to break out the latex but need pieces I can both breathe in and look good, I have been breaking out the corsets and leggings and thats been working, but I still need more... If I am going to be the only girl, I am going to be a girl, and all the way, I am going to embrace the fact I like makeup, I like dressing up, I like sexy clothing, I like being a women, and I am doing it for me... and so my image keeps expanding, at first I tried to blend in but thats not possible, so now I am not trying to be a wallflower, on stage with my energy or my voice.

I'll admit it I struggle sometimes letting it all out, I grew up in the south, and women weren't exactly taught it was ok to expand there energy, sexuality, voice, or creativity. One of the people in the band has been a very positive influence, actually many of them have, but I feel as artist we should all feel able to express ourselves fully no matter how extreme it is to the outside world. Without artist pushing the boundaries progression would take a much longer time...

I am feeling better today, maybe its the coffee... I have to go rehearse clean and get ready for the tour... more soon I may actually try to write from the road... I lost my camera hence the lack of behind the scenes pictures, actually I left it behind I know where it is its in LA and I am not....


xoxoxo

I am not perfect
I break glasses
sometimes in my life when things really go mad I cut myself but haven't done in it in a long time
I get angry
I get sad
I don't like boxes cages rules or doing things out of fear
I like to sing dance and make art
I've made love to women
I've been suspended from the ceiling
I've meditated for weeks on end
I've fasted for weeks on end
I ran away from home
I was raised to be a missionary
I was homeschooled
I never went to school
My best friend was taken by the FBI and didn't make it out alive
I've been in one massive car wreak
I died and came back
I overdosed a few times when I was in my teens
I've tried almost everything once
I've studied most major religions
I've read thousands of books
I've watched people die
I've counted many rainbows
I've worn lots of latex
I like my hair pulled
I feel alone so often I write for writing is a place I can express myself freely without other peoples judgement
I like to stand on my head
I like lots of sex
I am a raw food vegan
I have had my heart broken many times
I did lots of drugs
I was lied to many times
I was raped and abused when I was younger
I have done many things some people can't handle
I believe we should all be free to do as we need as long as we don't hurt others
I believe in love but not fake love but love actually based on truth
I believe if you love someone you let them be who they are or don't bother
I change all the time
I like to express myself I think its healthy and I think holding in all your thoughts kills you
I like to dance
I like to drive with loud music
I like to drive fast
Sometimes I shout
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I don't think I can handle it all
Sometimes I want to run away
Sometimes I feel fine
Sometimes I realize I can handle it all and them some
Sometimes I feel free
I feel free when I forget about what everyone else thinks of me
I am who I am and if you do not like me for who I am
Well we can't do anything about that
I am not good at fitting into other peoples molds or expectations of me
I tend to rebel fight or break any boxes or chains trying to contain me
I like to drink coffee
I really like bali
I love meditating
I love kissing and cuddling
I don't mind fighting as long as there is make up sex
I like to live deep hard and with my whole soul in the moment
I love people
I love drinking wine and watching the sunrise
I love walking late at night while the rest of the world is sleeping
My feelings are as intense as a child before they were brainwashed not to feel
I have chosen to be that way because I think its real and I like being real
my feelings never last to long so expressing them I hope inspires more to stop taking pills to feel happy all the time because well sometimes its ok not to feel happy to be sad even to think about wanting to go to some other world where you can start all over.........


I am going through a hard time, someone is ill they have been ill for a long time and nothing I can do or say makes it better and I feel like the weight is on my shoulders and I am helpless that can make me feel pretty stressed... When I get stressed I try to do somewhat healthy things to deal with it like cry, talk to someone, even throw a glass, so I don't do other things which may be more damaging.

When I was younger and had to deal with illness and then death it was very hard, for I never understood it, I still don't I still don't know how to handle it I am doing the best I can but feel alone in it all, and living in SF is hard because ( I don't know many people here) and those i know here I don't want to dump my problems on all the time. I have no community here, I have a few friends which are as busy as I am, and so that makes it harder.

Then of course having tons of work, deadlines, and having to do all of it in order to keep the ship afloat becomes even more difficult. Long story short, I am having a hard time not letting parts of my reality get me down, the good news is other parts of my reality are really good so its all bittersweet, heaven and hell, peace and fear worry and joy all pushing and pulling and making me grow....

Growing is painful, one of the ways I have been growing is learning who I am and who I am not, what I can handle and what I can't handle, sometimes I just can't handle situations, and sometimes I have to know when to let go, sometimes I can't be perfect, and I am ok with that, perfect is unreal, its fake its what many of us have been taught through marketing companies, media, religion to be, perfect aka fake... people are afraid to be sad, afraid to express anger, afraid to be not perfect, to the point of spending there whole lives doing everything they can to try to be perfect, to try to please everyone else, and in the end none of it matters. I don't care if your happy or sad suicidal or sexy depressed or sick mad or blissful as long as you are real as you are honest as you are who you are....

I admire people who are brave enough to be imperfect, brave enough to share there struggle brave enough to feel sad, angry, suicidal, horny, happy, blissful, peaceful, I admire people who hide nothing who aren't afraid to be who they are, who are brave enough to say fuck it, I am sad , I will feel sad, because well the sadness will leave, but for now its ok.

I feel sad, today, this week, sometimes here and there for moments each day, I am sad because of many things all which could be called illness, destruction, disease, decay, death, lies, deception, I feel sad because someone I love has been sick for a long time, and I can't do anything about it. I am sad because millions are starving, dying, suffering, I am allowed to feel sad, for if I try to pretend I am not sad and everything is ok all the time then I am lying. Sometimes I feel sad, its ok, it comes and goes, its called being HUMAN I am not a machine I am not an empty eyed emotionless being I am a human and I am being and that being changes and alters and is complex and beautiful..

Repression kills people, repression causes people to live lies, repression is something I don't believe in.. I have seen what it does to people, it makes them machines, who are afraid to be who they are, for who they are they have been taught is bad, evil, wrong, not perfect....

Sadness, Anger, Love, Fear, Hate, Passion, Lust, Peace are all feelings its what we do with them that matters......

I just don't want to become someone I am not out of fear of not being what other people want for thats not truth.. I don't want people to look up to something thats not even real... I have been through hell and back and chances are it will happen a few more times, I have scars and wounds, I have sadness and love, I am who I am and I hope to inspire others to be who they are no matter what that is, for no one can try to be perfect for we are already perfect as we are with our broken hearts and our sadness with our illness and our ups and downs for perfection is found in the imperfections........

So I am going through a hard time, I am struggling, sometimes I feel like I am trapped in hell, other times in heaven, it all comes it all goes, that is life, it is a trip sometimes its storming and your afraid for your life, other times the sun is setting and heaven is on earth... I will embrace it with all of its beauty and decay sadness and love but I will never be able to pretend to be someone I am not or not speak as I feel...

I am not good at that game, I don't want to play that game, no one wins......

Its been a long time since I have written much, in many ways life has become so full of so much to do so much work, people, emails, music, touring, modeling, acting and trying to manage it all not to mention being married there are times I feel like I am just trying to hold the world up with my bony hand.
Its beautiful in many ways, blissful in moments, tragic in others, deep, moving, ever changing, I have amazing friends, work with amazing artist, and overall have a life that I could only dream of.

But dreams are not always just rainbows and bliss, sometimes there are storms, I usually write about these storms for I have found over the years it has helped in many ways, but the latest storm had me mum, and I have been trying so hard to carry it and its at a breaking point for me. After more then one yoga class, walk in nature and plea to the universe, with a single word help I remembered how writing just seemed to make things better. Maybe it was because when I put it in words angels in spirit or flesh tended to respond, maybe it just helps not to pretend or even try to handle it all on my own.

Sickness is something I have a hard time coping with, not my own, for I have learned how to for the most part be my own healer and doctor. For my body and I have become very close friends and I have learned by listening searching and trying what it likes and what makes it ill, I am blessed to have lots of energy and good health. I remember the first time I had to deal with illness it was my grandmother, and it was tragic, I watched her wither like a flower in december, and die, I couldn't do anything and I remember going into the woods during a downpour and crying and screaming for hours for the intense emotions that came from watching and knowing I could do nothing was a bit much for me to process. Then I went through it again with my great aunt, this time I was even closer for she lived with us, before the cancer hit, and that time I ran away, I couldn't bare to watch her die, I wanted her to live, forever even if it was in my mind. Not watch her fall to pieces. Getting married of course as all new wives I hoped for the best, then he became ill, not long after we joined forces, and then I found myself completely torn.

Torn because I want to heal, and sometimes I can, but in this case its been well over a year of one issue or another always changing or migrating. He has gone to countless doctors, healers, acupuncture, changed his diet many times, gotten lots of blood work, and yet no one seems to be able to figure it out. I have my guesses but I am not a doctor, I don't know, and because I don't know I can't do anything and watching someone you love suffer is almost worse then suffering yourself. I have been trying really hard to hold it together, keep my work going, keep my music going, keep making money, for being ill sets anyone back, but its hard and somedays I don't hold it together and I lose control.

For I moved to san francisco and although I like it here I don't really have many friends here, and the one I do I don't want to sound like the sad record or the broken one, and so I realized its harder here because I don't have a community, " we " don't have a community here. I have one in NYC and am slowly expanding but here I often find myself driving around in the fog feeling a bit isolated. Lack of community and community support isn't exactly making it easier. The doctors haven't been able to figure it out which is frustrating, how can we have all this information all this technology and not be able to heal and or fix people.

As much as I am attempting to remain zen I am having a hard time, I have spent weeks away, for if I am away I don't feel as depressed, and I know its of course not his fault, its circumstance, I just am trying to be hopeful but after months of illness, and no cure it becomes very hard to remain optimistic its hard to remain happy loving supportive to be the perfect wife, the model, house cleaner, singer, writer, poet web-designer, I am falling behind on everything and that in and of itself is very hard for me I am a perfectionist I strive to do my best and I am in these circumstances but I am having a real hard time this week not wanting to just lock myself in a room and break tiny glasses.

Of course that would just be to release some of the frustration, for my entire life I have felt that despite my capacity to overcome and survive and pull through really difficult situations the most difficult are of course the ones I have no control of, feel helpless and don't know what to do about. These are the ones that have the capacity to push me over the edge into a space where I can go to yoga, talk to healers, I can go into nature, but when its a never-ending constant problem it becomes very hard, for I don't know what to do. Which is kinda like telling someone here watch this bad movie for months and you can't stop you can't turn away you have to keep watching it. Its one of those complicated situations for it is what it is , and like most difficult situations its not anyones fault, it just is. But even knowing it is what it is and its not anyones fault doesn't make it any easier.

I am strong, but this has me to a breaking point, because I haven't done this before, I don't know how to handle it or what to do about it. I want to be the loving supportive wife, but its hard when most of the relationship revolves around things which are hard not to let drag me down. I can look back of course on happier times, and I realize there is hope and love there, but its a very deep complex situation one I have never dealt with for I have been very independent, and have usually only had to worry about taking care of myself which I have just in the last few years actually been capable of and now I am attempting to take care of me, take care of him, take care of work, take care of music, take care of being healthy, take care of trying to find ways to make him healthy, take care of bills, buying cars, trying to save money, finish records, and not return to old habits that numb the stress or pain but rather make new ones.

There are somedays when I just want to throw glasses and smash them, drive really fast, run away, and sometimes I do those things in minor ways. He of course doesn't want to talk about our/his problems and I am in a way doing it because I can't handle it all on my own, and have always found great help and release when talking writing, and great support from my online community. I have been mum about many of the things going on in our lives because him being a taurus they like it that way, but I being an open person can't take it anymore. I feel alone, I feel pent up, and its not his fault, I made the choice to be mum and I am making the choice not to be mum. My marriage is hard and its no ones fault, its the typical challenge of a new marriage of two artist, financial challenges, health problems, and there has been other challenges, in work as well as in the personal department.

For him bringing me in was not welcomed by everyone in his world, and I can understand that, but being the sensitive person I am its never easy being judged without at least a fair trial. Because of some of that lack of welcoming I never really felt safe and or capable of being open in many parts of his world, so I continued the mum.. Over time I have found there are some I feel comfortable with, not judged by, but it hasn't been easy. I have been very lucky, in many of my relationships that I was welcomed across the board with red carpets, and anyone would would treat me otherwise I never encountered. Both in his professional world and in his personal world I have been met with mixed energies some very supportive some not. Its been a challenge overall and I suppose I need and love challenges, its just sometimes I wish there was more support, more love, more acceptance, less conflict.

These challenges have forces me to return to a ritual of yoga, walks in nature, and meditation as well as bringing out emotions and feelings in me I haven't felt since I ran away from home. Feeling that usually only arise out of conflict coming from within the family, conflict with love ones or those they are involved with involving you. I like to resolve things, if a relationship isn't working I like to resolve it and let it go, and move on, if a sickness comes I like to work with it to heal it then move on, not being able to resolve things for they are not mine to resolve but yet I am involved is very difficult.

I am trying to embrace life and all of its challenges but don't really know how to handle them, and so I feel a little like a girl ducking bullets for its all I know how to do, sometimes catching one with my hand then losing my capacity to be very zen about it all. I have been in many challenging situations before, some have left me only with the resolve I made alone in the spirit world for the others wouldn't or couldn't come to a resolve with me. Those have always been more difficult, this is very difficult for I am very happy, if I am alone and on my own I am very happy, I am very happy when its my problem because when things are mine to deal with I am pretty capable of dealing with them. This time its not mine and yet I live in it, and so its very very very very difficult. So if anyone has any real advice, let me know, this isn't about leaving or giving up, I am too stubborn for that, this isn't anyones fault, this is just a complicated situation, for you fall in love, you marry someone and you don't expect the next year to have financial and health complications right away.

But I am hopefully, I am just in the moment struggling, so any good vibes, prayers, or if you know anyone who is an amazing doctor, rather then one who just says what the book says let me know, and oh yes any advice is welcome, for I am in over my head at the moment, and I am trying really hard not to completely lose it or return to former ways of coping with stress....

Other then that, well work is going well for me, I have lots of it, more then I can handle, anyone want to help? I am so so so behind on everything;)
Music is coming along, I have lots to do and feel a bit overwhelmed, I have a car which makes me happy, next is a kitty and painting the house, ( anyone want to help, I'll feed you:) I just want some more color and plants, to counter act the never ending fog...

More soon
I am going to try to write more often
for mum makes me unwell

J

I break this glass in memory of you
as you drugged us at 17 to rape us
while we were unconscious
I break this glass in memory of you
who raped your daughter
even though she cried
and I'll fight the feelings I feel inside
To burn down all of your walls
and come back to stand in front of you
I'll break my own limitations
To fight for everyone of those women
I loved and love who spent there lives
feeling tainted and unworthy
Because of what you stole
What you crushed
What you broke
What you harmed
I'll give my life to see you again
Only this time I will be the hunter
Hunt you with your past
Everything you tried to hide
From your sister and your lovers

I have counted the tears
I have heard the stories
I have lived them as well
Anger used to be something
I was taught to repress
Something I was taught was evil
but anger has a place
and justice has a time
Some never get out alive
Some never overcome there shame guilt doubt and fear
Some have no choice but to return
With Fires and shields
With words and truth
coming out of the dark
out of the shadows
out of the corners
to confront those
who once overpowered them

I break this glass
In memory of you
No longer breaking myself
No longer blaming myself
No longer holding it in
No longer living in Shame
No longer being afraid
to fight back

So forgive me if it seems extreme
but somethings aren't meant to be
and sometimes those you harm
come back around to visit
sometimes those you left for dead
get up again
and sometimes those you thought were weak
were stronger then you could ever see

Only take what is given....

life death water air and microscopy

Its been a moment I have been traveling so much and working so much and I love every moment of it and the people and friends conversations and experiences but along the way I noticed I was getting tired lots. Of course rather then think there was a problem I self medicated, kombucha, carrot juice, chocolate, caffeine...
I went to my regular doctor and had him test me for everything under the sun and well according to him I was in perfect health which then just made me think that maybe I was fine and dandy , I didn't even think getting tired in the middle of the day was anything more then my blood sugar dropping and when I ate more sugar even good sugar everything would feel great.
But I ate like a rabbit and was wondering why unlike most people who ate like me I wasn't shrinking, So I ate like I had a slow metabolism and ate mostly vegetables and some fats and very little protein.
I had stopped taking all supplements mainly because I didn't know which ones were good for me and was confused so I just stopped taking all of them .
During my trip I went to see a nutritionist in LA who was highly recommended by those who knew her and someone who went to her, she wasn't the everyday nutritionist which is why I went to see her she also practices something called microscopy , after going to my normal doctor who told me I was one of the healthiest people he had seen I decided to keep digging. I went to her for many reason one being the simple fact my living depends on my body, and keeping it in optimal health and shape is the best investment I can make, and I wanted to see if she could figure out if there was something going on which was contributing to that week when I felt like the whole world was ending every month, the only help I had gotten in that department was why don't you take an anti depressant , which seemed silly because I wasn't depressed it was mood swings it only happens around my moon cycle.
The day I went to see her was my least balanced day in awhile, I worked all day, ate, very little, then went to the gym and ran, hit the sauna, and grabbed a kombucha on the way to see her, I figured like most doctors or other health professionals I would be rushed in and out, so I didn't plan on being there long and I planned on going to rawveloution and trying to see a friend of mine in venice after .
I arrived my entire being was spinning in a good way but spinning, we talked, and talked I explained what I was wanting ( to maintain what I had and also try to be in the best health possible ) I explained my few extremely minor complaints, I eat like a rabbit but have to work really hard to stay my model size etc, I don't remember everything we talked about. Then she pricked my finger, my blood dried up so fast and we tried squeezing it that we had to prick it again I stood up and then she pricked it and it happened...
It being that thing that seems to happen when things hit my meridian points, unless I am laying down and extremely well fed, my ears started ringing, cold sweet and I felt like I was going under. I sat down and explained " oh yeah this happens too, I have been passing out for one reason or another on and off my whole life I usually can control it, if I make sure to always have something to burn and needles and anything hitting my points sometimes can trigger it"..
I got stuck in the in between place which has never actually happened my head was ringing I was sweating like I was in a sauna for an hour, and I was really fuzzy, she made me some magic drink that was not sugar and coffee like the pretend healer in bali, and I drank it, after awhile she asked if she could do a healing, I wasn't able to recover hence it had been awhile I was breathing I could kinda see and hear but it was like being half here. She put her hands on my feet, and didn't say anything I tried to let go, let go of everything, let go and relax of course I felt bad I had an episode there, and I felt bad I was sweating on her couch, I felt bad for not being super women super healthy super women I felt bad for being human I guess, or at least these were the thoughts rushing through my head. She took her hands off after sometime and within moments I felt normal again, like it had never happened...
She asked me a bit about my family life, yes it wasn't a pocket full of flowers, so to say, ...
I get along with my family now but we believe in very different things and have most of our lives, I couldn't ever stomach the idea everyone who didn't believe in one thing were going to burn forever, anymore then I can stomach that we know better or in fact really know anything about who and what God is, just like aliens, yes there could be other life forms, I haven't met any except spirit beings which are other life forms, or maybe they were aliens, I just can't say I know it all, ...
Then we looked at my blood, when it was still living which I have never seen and it was rather fascinating to see this little world in my blood, a world I never thought of a world that without I wouldn't be here right now talking or thinking, Seeing my living blood and all the elements was like scuba diving it was a different planet, another world and it was in me.
Talk about a trip and I have been on plenty but this was something else this was real this was my body this was my life, this was my blood, my cells, my white blood cells and my red blood cells,

My white blood cells were pretty active, but were filled with stuff they had cleaned up, lots of junk, and they were moving really slowly, they seemed really tired, poor creatures, I have made them work really hard with my often lack of sleep not to mention the fact I live in cities where the air is filled with stuff they have to clean up not to mention the water I drank the drugs I took, etc etc... there were more then I should have had, although I just had my count taken and it was the low side of normal but maybe I was fighting something. I rarely get sick but maybe its cause I have all these white cleaners in there working non stop even though they are moving pretty slow and look like they could use a break.

Then She pointed out my red blood cells, which was where the real problem was pretty clear, they were iron and oxygen deprived, and to the point where my red blood cells looked pretty pale in the center, ok white and at least half of them, anemia, strange it didn't show up on any of my other doctors test, and everything seemed perfect with him, but that explains why I have been self medicating with sugar and caffeine. Its common in vegan and in many others, its resolvable its not a death sentence. It just means I have to figure out how to heal and give my blood what it needs of course her being a nutritionist as well she could help me in that department.

I saw a free radical, not such a pleasant looking creature, I want to try to avoid those, and I saw crystalized acid, which looked like a rock in my body, pretty amazing my body can do that. I am lacking iron and b vitamins and I will attempt to get them back without eating critters, she prescribed me lots of supplements not the kind you can usually get a whole foods, because for me those especially iron and b vitamins do two things make me sick all day and come right out, I don't know if its the dyes or the quality the things she told me to take I have ordered almost all of them, some are rare and from the amazon or from the wonderful world of eastern medicine, some are super foods, everything I have been taking so far doesn't make me sick in fact I can just eat the b vitamins like candy they don't hurt at all and I do, I notice oddly if I feel a bit sleepy if I eat my bs I feel better almost instantly.

That alone was worth going to see her, with the sea of health supplements and alternative medicine for me finding someone real who fused science and intuition was what I wanted because that is what I want to do.

Then we went onto the dry blood test, I have a high metabolism not a slow one ( so I was eating all wrong for awhile there) I have parasites ( most of us do, I mean I used to eat dirt as a kid and did my fair share of traveling to other countries and eating as I pleased which usually meant fruit and veggies they aren't bad but I will deal with them now I know they are there, they are small, not big we are discussing things on a cellular level here) my colon could use some cleansing but isn't in bad shape, my liver, seems very happy ( I almost killed it so its proof you can heal your own organs ) I am pretty Hydrated thanks to a good influence years ago who made me remember drinking water was good. My PH wasn't perfect neither was my sugar but then I got the talk...

" I want you to give up Kombucha"

I thought it was good for me, " it has a great marketing campaign" bummer I thought and to make it harder the photographers I was working with more on that soon because those were amazing experiences had bought me like 5 each, each time I showed up a shoot they had them out and waiting for me....I wasn't perfect I had two more and have not had any in days now which isn't easy, I miss it, but if I even care so much it most have been addictive, kombucha has sugar in it and so its off my list... she said she would rather me drink organic expresso (which made me happy) then kombucha) ok I can do that, green tea, mate, and sometimes expresso, I can handle that, but bummer about the kombucha, but she stopped me I was drinking 1-2-3 a day, naughty girl i was .

When I actually tried to cut sugar out, all sugar, except ulimana chocolate ( raw and amazing ) which was what was on the if I am going to eat stuff with sugar in it eat things such as raw organic cacao, and blueberries, strawberries and paypa, so far I have only eaten the ulimana chocolates which are utterly mouth watering but I gave up all my other sugars. I am now living on green stuff and lots of it, spirulina, chlorella, vitaminerals, hemp powder, E3 live, and lots of green veggies, and then seeds, Sun Warrior Protein Powder, spices, more veggies that are all high in iron, seaweed, sea salt, a special soy sauce, raw tahini, hemp oil, lemon, garlic,onion, ginger, cacao, teas, mate, and a bit of organic expresso... and some special supplements...

The problem with B vitamins and me wasn't I didn't take them my body couldn't use them and so now I am on a sublingual B12 and on Premier Research Max Stress B Nano Plex, The Beauty Enzyms, Camu Camu, ( Prana which I am waiting on) at the moment I am also taking a organic food based iron supplement, and lots and lots of green stuff...

The strange thing about all of this is I am the healthiest person I know, and when we look at my health at a cellular level I am not in perfect health at all. I feel if western medicine could incorporate practices such as microscopy it could really help us know what we are really dealing with before we start really feeling it. If I ever have a child I would take them yearly to microscopy sessions so they could see the universe inside of them as well as see how there actions directly influence their cells within.

It both frightening and powerful, its a reality check ,because looking at my insides I saw the free radicals, the crystalized acid, my immune system being pretty weighed down, I saw heavy metals, I saw my life inside out. Its empowering though because if I can heal my liver I am sure I can heal and help my blood and myself on a cellular level. If I can reprogram my cells if I can give them what they need then they will keep me going at full capacity.

The world is becoming increasingly toxic, sadly much of this toxicity is not only affecting how we feel physically but also spiritually and emotionally, and yet we are the causes of this toxicity.
Everytime we wash chemicals down the sink, everytime we through away more plastic, everytime we pour bleach into our sink, it goes into our pipes, then is cycled back, our filteration systems are not capable of filtering out all of our chemicals pharmaceuticals and so now we are all drinking more then chances are we have adapted too.

I became a raw foodist, to survive, to try to counter act the amount of toxins I was breathing and absorbing through my skin, mouth, breathe and water. Now I realize after much research much studies that these chemicals may not kill us overnight but slowly rather seem to rob us of our energy inspiration and spirit. One night at Cru in LA a raw food chef told me how in order to survive and to be healthy superfoods were going to play a big part, I didn't understand what she meant till now, now I have them as staples in my diet, because I am attempting to keep my health, to keep my energy, to keep my light, to keep myself alive, so I can do something with myself...

Many people want to be healthy, want my skin, want to feel good, want not to have to be dependent on the pharmaceuticals, but are unwilling to even try giving them up, America is filled with addicts, sadly most of the drugs they are addicted too are worse then many illegal drugs.

We dont want to give up our materialism, our consumerism, our pharmaceuticals, our junk food, our sugar, we don't want to give up anything we would rather destroy the earth which in the end will kill all of us so we can drink out of a plastic bottle, or take our five pills so we feel " happy" all the time...

because of everyone in the USA on happy pills heart pills fucking pills it means now I have to go look for water devoid of pharmaceuticals rocket fuel amongst other things, it means if I have a child trying to keep them healthy is going to be harder then trying to keep myself healthy and it means in fifty years from now unless we do something now and like ALL of us not just a few well we may as well get used to living in a toxic wasteland because thats the world we are making.

I am not a hippy, I am just really REALLY really not thrilled about how our consumerism and shallow superficial instant gratification is fucking up the whole planet, cause we are the leaders and we are influencing the WHOLE world to be just like us, little consumers, little materialist, ...

I know it sounds radical its just what I see, and its senseless, and my nightmares are becoming a reality, I did not want to see this happen in my life time and yes in our mind controlled little bubble with our structured system everything seems fine, we have our pills, our fast food, our houses, cars jobs and savings accounts, but in the end... we are remembered for what we did, what we left behind not what we consumed...

I am NOT a saint, I grew up in georgia, and took part of the wasteful, gluttonous culture, ate really bad food, threw away tons of plastic, was a wasteful inconsiderate creature, I was selfish, I still am sometimes but, now I just am more aware and am trying to find ways to take less, wasteless use less, destroy less, kill less, and give more...

Much of that starts with my body and mouth, for as I prepare eat and live off food along the way I try to not use plastic, and use as little water, electricity, heat, etc as possible, and reuse containers, for everything and or recycle everything. ...

I try not to use anything in my hair or to clean my house I wouldn't eat, for if I am going to put it into our water system I want to try not to kill my friends children's children, or even worse those right next door...

Being aware, not in a coma, is a good place and a often hard place to start....

but yes microscopy is something I recommend for everyone and if you need someone let me know....

want a better life you can make it but its not as easy as taking a little pill its a lifestyle its about caring and loving yourself and everyone and everything else which is to be aware

Lately everywhere I turn are two stories, one being " the economy is crashing" " its not safe to fly cause the airlines are skimping on fuel" " bird flu is coming" " our planet is toxic" " its not safe to breathe the air or drink the water.. in fact everyone should do nothing but sit in front of the screen not leave there house cause its too expensive and buy lots of beans and rice in bulk so you don't starve.

So picture a game of chess on one side is you and me and on the other is fear, fear is coming at you from all sides and fear is smart, and fear must be outsmarted, and fear must be overcome through vision clarity and quick moves. I do believe something or someone is trying to make lots of people super afraid, I could guess and say well scared people sure aren't going to fight if our next leader is worse then our last one. Scared people will simply hide and summit as slaves to a system of debt, to the system the government, they won't rebel seeing this time as a time to recreate the system to raise a new one in place of the old.

So gas is 4 dollars a gallon, well cool we need smaller cars, we need to use less gas we were a wasteful indulgent country, who often didn't care about how all of our waste would make the earth or our global family feel. So drive a smaller car, drive less, walk, carpool take a bike paying another dollar or two for gas is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Its not fun and sure I think it would be cool if the oil companies could maybe just Profit a LITTLE less and our gas could be a little cheaper, but these are the same people who don't seem to care about justice or humanity do you really think they are going to care about saving US money... doubt it... so use less gas, or find alternatives or better yet work from home, or move close to work, and walk to work, and now more and more options are coming around that have existed in third world countries longer then here.

Speaking of third world countries, they are doing ok, I just went to Bali and Jakarta and Myanmar and despite there economic crashes and complete chaos guess what. People are still able to survive eat sleep have sex and play chess so what is we have to eat less it won't kill us we may all get skinner which would be healthier, and well learning how to live in a world not based on fast food and connivence would be good for our souls too. So have no fear its OK, don't let the chess game fool you THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR, just stay awake, learn a few tricks and trades, learn how to walk, to cook, to survive on less if needed, and realize that having LESS isn't the end of happiness.

I grew up pretty poor, and after running away from home at 17 I lived for years often on next to nothing so I could make my art and music. I learned I could live off carrots and a few seeds and some spinach and a touch of olive oil for weeks, when I had 20 bucks a week to feed myself cause the rest of my money was going to rents and production fees, growing up we had gardens and chickens and my mom made all our food, no prepackaged stuff in my house. Its not so bad this whole back to nature back to roots, back to earth, back to reality.

Guess what in Myanmar people live off NOTHING hardly and they are skinny but seem happy and have lots of energy and dreams and ideas, we are so spoiled here, we think the world is ending cause our gas and food went up, we have it SO good here still, I mean I have been to many third world countries over my life time and we have so much to be grateful for. The good news is I know what its like to live in a little cement hut and not have stable or any electricity and its not so bad, nothing to panic over we did it for thousands of years and got here.

Its a GAME its one big Game and you and I don't have to lose we just have to keep ourselves awake and aware and not get sucked in eaten up and spit out by fear.
All this gloom and doom all over the news, its SILLY. we are so lucky, so blessed, we have SO SO SO SO much, and so what if we lose it, we will adapt we will survive. But please don't get sucked into this, because if you do YOU make it real, its ONLY real if we all collectively buy into it.

Then WE manifest it, we make it happen and we could do something much better...with our energy and life force and time and lives...

For if we just focus on what we do have, focus on how blessed we are, focus on how much we CAN change the world, focus on how we can be independent, focus on how we can be stronger, wiser, healthier, how we can build a community, grow a garden, walk to work, stop polluting our hearts minds bodies souls and the planet then we can hold a silent revolution which will overthrow the fear.

No guns, no bombs, no weapons of mass destruction war never does anyone any good..
At least not that kind of war, but fight with your walking, your bike riding, your meditation, your prayer, your art, your heart, with your body, mind, and soul, with your choices, and your purchases, with your time and energy, ...

Its a game its been playing out over and over and over for centuries
we have a choice to make its OUR choice to make we are NOT preprogrammed slaves, we are NOT robots, we are not machines, and we are not meant to live in fear...

Reality is not virtual, reality has always been here and it always will with or without us and our gadgets and wires and jobs and cars and gas ....

I used to live in fear, fear of so many things, fear of failing fear of myself, fear of rejection, fear of being not good enough...

But then I went through so many things so intense, then I went through things far greater then those fears and it taught me something, if I could survive that, if I could survive with nothing and no one, or survive extreme abuse/rape/etc, if I could survive being homeless and without money at 17? then I could pretty much survive anything, not saying its easy, not saying its always fun, but overcoming things is like learning how to fly and then once you learn how to fly nothing can stop you.

These obstacles we are facing together globally are things we can all overcome and if we can just work together and stay awake I believe in the end there will be millions of us flying..

So don't be afraid... there is nothing to fear, we are all connected, we are all part of the divine, we are all together in this, we are not alone, we are not our bodies, we are not our banks or cars either, if we can just embrace it, accept it and work with it then we can overcome and learn from everything and anything.

There is no end
There is only now

and well if you meet any aliens chances are they aren't so evil so don't be afraid unless they give you a reason too:)

( ps I have yet to meet any or see any but its another one of those things we are being taught to fear )

I figured I should blog a bit, I have been very bad lately, I have been working hard on my albums, shooting, trying to keep up with my peoples and my spaces . Ever since I discovered the internet I believed in its magic to connect people and I believed that energy can travel through music, images, music, words and could inspire people. The internet is a magical world for me and one that intertwines with the real world and is a reflection of some of my soul through the mirrors and cables wires and lines.

Lately I have been getting many heartfelt and deep emails and letters and I wish I could respond faster and too them all. But they make me smile and inspire me to try and continue to try to keep up to keep creating and keep connecting with all of you as directly as possible. I have been asking for peoples emails and have been gathering a good amount, the reason I am asking is so that no matter what happens, where I go or where you go I can still find a way to connect with you. For everything changes all the time.

I am considering creating a email list for more frequent updates, where I could email my new blogs/poems/videos/ etc to you directly, but this is a plan for the future. I need to re do my website and integrate all this amazing new technology but I haven't had time and am trying to finish the albums first.

Time is always slipping between my fingers and no matter how hard I try to stay focused I always feel like I HAVE so much I want and desire to create, and this creative energy is always pushing. Its hard for me too just watch a movie or chill out, I have often burned the candle at both ends till I crashed in a wall and fell apart and ended up crying or just spinning out and I have been working hard to find balance. Between my muse, my desire to create, and taking care of myself, by taking time to eat well, sleep well, run and practice yoga and meditation which has become a very important factor.

For a long time I had a wall of fear, of doubt, built out of thousands of tiny stones over years and millions of not so positive messages . Fear to try, fear to love myself, fear to let go, fear to heal myself, fear to be loved, fear to show the world my little scars and bruises cuts and burns, fear of being imperfect, too fat, fear of so many things. Yet I knew fear was my enemy and it was inside ME and I had to burn it out, purge it out, fight it out, cry it out, scream it out, I had to do EVERYTHING and anything not to let it consume me and turn me into one of those who went around smashing dreams and tearing other people down often unconsciously with fear and doubt.

Everything is connected, and so the process of overcoming fear involves your body mind and spirit, not just your mind, not just your spirit but all of it connected. Overcoming it involves being present enough to see it as it tries to take ahold and control your choices words and actions. I will battle fear until I die, and sometimes in that battle it gets bloody, sometimes it gets intense but at least YOUR ALIVE. Being is the most important step to facing and overcoming fear and being is not just doing, its not a program, its not a to do list, its being, being present, and being present is something they teach us how Not to do in this country. But you can deprogram yourself, starting now, and its simple and a lot of it involves the questions what, why, how, ....

How do you feel ? ahhh you feel sad ... why do you feel sad? because things aren't happening the way you imagined or were programmed or hoped they would? well what if maybe whats making you sad is that idea? that thought? that system? that religion? that tape in your brain and what if its only as real and as powerful as you make it? what if you took it away? burned it ? crushed it? forgot it? then would you be sad?

I grew up believing everything was wrong and boy... was I a sinner .. and no matter how I tried to follow the program and be good and stick to all the rules well, I didn't and couldn't and then I would feel so bad...
Then one day I made a choice to not believe in the rules and just live and learn the hard way but at least I was living rather then worrying all the time about if I was doing everything right, trapped in fear and guilt and afraid to jump, afraid to fly, afraid to speak, afraid to be me.. me who loved regardless of class sex or color, who lived to feel and experience life as fully and richly as possible...

Overtime the tapes in my head have been replaced, over years of fighting, to BE to accept myself, to accept the now, to accept everything is as it is meant to be, to accept I could shine, I could be light, I could heal, I could create, and I was perfect as I was and I didn't need to change anything to LOVE myself or be loved... strangely enough when I let go, I started to love, the air, the breathe, the moment, myself, I began to want to honor my body, and honor myself and honor others, and it was natural and instinctive not a program ...

I don't think you get over fear, I feel you have to battle it out, but battle it with love, with understanding, with looking for the truth, for the truth is not somewhere out there, but here now .....The tapes in your head are often hard to shut off, but often if you challenge them or question them they will retreat...

Example is your going to get something to eat and little thought says " why not eat some potato chips " and then something says " na thats not so good for me" then the other thought chirps in " life's short why not" ... all you have to do is stop it all and really question if what your going to do is going to be good for you in whole, mind, body soul, will it hurt or heal, and by stopping rather then just grabbing them and eating them your now present and through that presence you can face anything and chances are deal much better with choices.

The only thing stopping you is you or you not being there to do it because you are not present .....if you are present then life starts to naturally fall into place. Now I chose to do many things or not do things out of a state of awareness for the most part, and when I feel my presence slipping away into fear or worry or anything else I try to bring it back, sometimes I don't do it and I lose myself and find myself consumed with something that feels strange like a suite that doesn't fit right, but I keep coming back, coming back to the now, to the here to the moment to the breathe to the awareness...

Yoga helps me with this, helps my mind face a new kind of fear ( "you want me to do what?????) and helps me be in the moment ( ouch I feel it I feel it ) and reminds me how everything is connected in so many ways ...
Now I have to return to work:) more soon thanks for listening;)

Sun, Sex, Turmeric and Medicine in the twilight zone

Its cold in San Francisco and half the house has no heat and so I feel a bit sad because I cannot run around almost naked or naked and soak in the sun in July. I have come to the decision I like the warm hot sun far more then the cold, and if I had to pick hot or cold I would chose hot over cold. I am writing new material and working with Grant to finish the "Liberation Movement album" which has lots of good songs like "Know Us" "Confess" "Prisons" etc on it .
Its coming along its of course taking longer then expected its very layered and complex and so its taking lots of time to carve it down and define a good portion of it. Recording vocals in the cold is no fun, living in the cold makes me want to run away to LA now, but I am trying to finish my work, for moving requires a few things. I have to get a car, and thats something I have avoided for years and I am hoping something will manifest soon because if I had one here I could chase the sun for outside of the little space I live in the sun still shines its just I live in Fog land and thats cool for a week but at this point I feel like my plants and part of me is starving for some real sun. I am intrigued now by those who worship the sun, for so long I was torn about the sun, as a kid I remember getting chicken pox and for some reason I felt it would help me if I went and laid in the warm sun and I remember feeling and believing it was healing me faster. I never liked wearing sunscreen and for the most part didn't, I often would be on outdoor shoots in next to nothing and photographers would give me sun screen and I wouldn't wear it. I rarely burn and I never hold color for long, but I have always believed if I was ill, if I needed energy I needed the sun. Living in NY I would go to my roof and get sun, or to the beach, and here I go to the roof again when there is sun and its not 50 degrees. In LA there is lots of sun and I seem happiest when I am there, for the cold and lack of sun makes me feel starved in some strange way, and I keep looking at the sky asking the sun to come back.

My plants die without sun, and everything in nature depends on the sun and the moon and the cycles to some degree. As I have been following my instinct I have also oddly enough been having information come to me from many sources that well we need sunlight and skin cancer is not just caused by too much sunlight. Yet I have been reading headlines saying the rising rates of cancer come from too much sun and sex...

I am starting to feel like I live in a twilight world, a world where the truth is often so far from what's been told taught and preached that its erie. I feel like I am living in a world where masses of people are just being lied to and believing it and the truth is SO far from the lie but people are so afraid they don't want to even think they are being lied to, and maybe those lying to the people are lying to themselves. But sun and sex are not the reason cancer is sky rocketing thats like saying fruit and vegetables are the reason people are so fat.

If I read in the mainstream paper the rise of cancer was caused to " toxic water, toxic air, pollution, environmental pollution, poor diet, too many chemicals in the body, too many hours on the cell phone, with the lap top on the lap, from eating mass produced fake food, from clogging the system so much it just loses control, then well sure I could believe that but the sun is not the cause of cancer...

and well about sex... our country is so backward about sex its made it a world filled with fear and complexes, and sex is a wonderful beautiful and healthy thing to do. Granted sure if you have sex with lots of people and are not protective either through test or protection of sorts maybe it can lead to cancer. But you know that new vaccine they are trying to get girls to take is not very well recommend and has been said to cause cancer. I don't believe sex causes cancer, and when I read that I just felt like I was living in a world where the next thing I will read will be...

Raw food, Sex, Sun, Yoga and Meditation will kill you or turn you into a weak diseased human, so you better keep eating our food taking our pharmaceuticals and sit there and watch our programming, don't become like one of those "weird" new age hippy freaks.

Speaking of cancer lets talk about turmeric .. I have been hearing a reading it prevents and helps kill cancer... and oddly enough the makeup artist I worked with on my shoot saturday was telling me how her dog had cancer and kept eating chicken curry and it cured its cancer...
So if you want to be a little preventative start eating turmeric everyday or at least a few times a week. We eat it on salads in juice and in bali people mix it with honey and drink it but FOOD IS MEDICINE.

Speaking of Food as Medicine I can't say enough about Coconut Oil, its really useful its been shown to help with fighting and sometimes even having pretty amazing results with HIV/AIDS as well as Candida ( Yeast problems) as well as helping stabilizing blood sugar for hypoglycemic as well as those with diabetes (which you can prevent and cure through diet its just most people aren't willing to give up their food addiction) You want to get and use Extra Virgin Coconut Oil .. make sure its that, the same way if you use olive oil you want to make sure its extra virgin olive oil. We are eating 3 1/2 tablespoons a day. People say " doesn't it make you fat" nope, actually it will help you lose weight ( as long as you are eating healthy and working out somehow everyday) Coconut oil is one thing I can see working if I eat it I feel it, It helps keep me balanced and I use it on my face (it feels oily at first but it gets absorbed fast ) coconut oil is a great anti wrinkle helper as well as actually helps with keeping little bumps away.

I usually consume 2 fresh juices a day, a bit of papaya , two salads with all kinds of stuff in them, some nuts and coconut oil, olive oil and some tea and herbal teas, I take probiotics twice a day and drink lots of water. I am eating 95 percent organic now, and can taste the difference, non organic foods you can taste if you eat organic for awhile, and usually its a lack of taste or a taste of chemicals. I know organic food is more expensive but I think if you can afford it you should make the investment because I feel much of the non organic food has been altered and has so many chemicals on it that will eventually cause your body to overload. Most cities and big downs have a co-op or a whole foods or trader joes and organic food is becoming more popular and the more people who eat it and demand it the more there will be ..

I used to eat a slightly healthier version of the american standard diet and it caused me bad skin, mood swings, weight issues, which lead to eating disorders and so on. I knew there had to be a better way and so I have been on a quest ever since. I am into raw food because I feel best that way and because i have tons of energy and I feel it helps me combat the environmental pollution's as well as cleaning out what I put in before. I do not believe everyone has to be a raw food vegan but I do feel everyone should try to make a large chunk of their daily intake raw food as well as high quality nuts and oils. There are grains as well which are really good, and sprouts and all kinds of things..

I have to go work on music so I will stop my words for the moment..
I have a new obsession and its yoga but we will go there some other day:)

J

How Not to Be Prey - Are the Chemicals in Your Home Killing You ?
How Not to Be Prey - Are the Chemicals in Your Home Killing You ?


Everyday I am learning new things...
example

"Did you know that toxic chemicals in household cleaners are three times more likely to cause cancer than air pollution? Did you know that more than 7 million accidental poisonings occur each year, with more than 75% involving children under age 6? Did you know that women who work at home have a 54% higher death rate from cancer than those who work away from home? The 15-year study concluded it was a direct result of higher exposure rate to toxic chemicals in common household products."
more here

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/25149/how_dangerous_are_household_cleaners.html

Yesterday and the day before I spent half of the day cleaning, and that meant throwing out everything which after learning about the chemicals in my cleaners beauty products (some of them and even my girl products) I just wanted it all out of my house now.

For years I had no idea that these things could slowly hurt me, and that because of all the chemicals plastic and so on in you're house often its more toxic then the most polluted cities in the world. The sad part is the alternative is not only easier but cheaper. I threw away everything except one massive bottle of soap which is now being used to clean everything from my skin to my floor. I have been reading the labels and have learned what inhaling and being in contact with many of the chemicals we often use in popular brands of soap and cleaners do to the body inside and out.

Some people don't care saying how they are going to die anyways, but maybe its the simple fact I have watched people die really slow horrible deaths and that frankly I like being healthy, I like being fit, I like feeling GOOD and I like to look good and the only way you look good is to take care of yourself inside out. Sadly we have been taught otherwise looking good has been something we often believe comes from buying expensive creams having plastic surgery designer clothing and the best cosmetics. The reality is though looking good means you look good Naked and well if you don't good naked chances are you don't feel good naked which means you may feel insecure and well that often makes for an unhappy sex life and a unhappy sex life often makes for unhappiness in life because well sex is healthy and a very positive thing ... and everything is connected, your health, home, body, soul, mind, and everything we do has a reaction...

I eat lots of food, I eat when I am hungry and I drink olive oil and coconut oil all the time and it just seems to be used not stored, I don't diet, I don't count calories I don't believe in that I eat what heals and helps my body. So when I say looking good naked I mean as in if you feel good naked if you feel good about yourself without the makeup and clothing. I didn't for a long time I was scared to leave without makeup but it was because my skin was a wreak and I believed I couldn't fix it. I tried all the silly products and they just made it worse, it took me awhile to connect the dots that what I ate was affecting it and so I cut out anything I didn't understand, I started eating only real food, no artificial flavoring, no dye, no coloring, nothing but real food ...
but it wasn't all.. Then I realized it was the stuff in my makeup in my beauty products and in my household cleaners...

I didn't know I just needed to get rid of all the bad chemicals that were slowly but surely poisoning me which caused me to always have bad skin as well as not feel too good. I didn't realize that the soap I was using to wash my dishes was going to damage my skin and was drying it out and making it feel weird. I didn't realize the stuff I was using to clean the floor was like inhaling gas, I felt it and would always open the windows when I cleaned or would sometimes feeling dizzy or fuzzy but I just ignored it and kept buying the stuff and using it.

But as I kept learning it hit me, why use this stuff? when I could use something completely natural and something I could eat, and it would do the same job? why keep poisoning myself and my loved ones and so when I went out and went shopping yesterday (after throwing away everything that was left here) I bought the simplest most effective cleanser I have found yet that is all natural without all those silly chemicals that slowly but surely harm you inside out. Its no more expensive, its the same as buying the other stuff and you can use it for everything.
I sound like a commercial but well I like to promote good stuff... so next time you need stuff to clean your house or skin with check this stuff out or the other links at the end of this:)
http://www.drbronner.com
there are other companies but we will start here...

I am using it to clean my skin ( I use the one for babies for my skin because I have sensitive skin I use a tiny amount it goes a long way, but I found its one of the best cleansers and works well and after I use it I have just been using a dab of coconut oil on my skin which works for me. I also have been using many of the Burts Bees Products mainly because it was the only thing I could find without that massive extended list of things I didn't understand. I want to be able to eat my makeup and my beauty care products or else chances are they aren't really so good for me.

Not to mention I want to feel good about where my money goes, I suppose I am on the following my bliss path. For feeling good is something we can all do, but often it takes a bit of effort to figure out why we don't feel good. I have found I am sensitive, sensitive skin, sensitive eyes, sensitive heart, and so because of that things effect me. I am strong and have a tough system but once I figured out what it was like to really feel good and really feel healthy and really feel alive, I never wanted to feel crappy again and so I fight to protect myself as much as possible. But if its effecting me its effecting you, I may just feel it sooner, the bottom line is I would advise everyone of you to clean out all your chemical induced cleaners, if you wouldn't eat it get rid of it, and replace them with natural cleaners, it's a step in helping you feel better, helping your friends and loved ones better and helping our planet feel better. I can tell a difference now I can smell a chemically drenched cleaner a mile away. Some people say but its more expensive, well not really, I mean cancer is expensive, and being sick is expensive, and feeling bad is expensive. Its not really any more expensive because often the natural stuff goes lots further and its worth it.

I also learned about water in plastic bottles which will be another blog ...

I learned many more things and will write soon, but this is the tip of the day on how to not to be prey..

"Don't use things to clean your house that are not safe to eat" because you are eating it through your skin and the air you breathe and its small but if all of us stopped using the nasty chemicals it would help in many ways not only for ourselves but our world...

here are some links on why we need to be careful what we use to clean our house
there is more out there so just look it up
http://www.health-report.co.uk/toxic_household_chemicals.htm
http://www.leas.ca/Toxins-in-Household-Products.htm
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/25149/how_dangerous_are_household_cleaners.html

also here are some links to products I think are pretty good options
http://www.drbronner.com
http://www.seventhgeneration.com
http://www.burtsbees.com

ps
you can find this stuff at many places most food coops, whole foods, even GNC and some Vitamin shops now carry it...

more soon if you have any more info please post;)
cheers

Jillian Ann

I have been reading a lot and the more I learn the more I want to do something. For if Music is my major my minor is healing, at the moment I am dealing with a case of someone close to me who has been plagued by illness after illness and as someone who can usually help people make changes to their lifestyle which in return help heal the illness this one is driving me into looking beyond the surface for the cure.

I look at the masses today and feel a bit like a mother who is very concerned, for most of those I see, concerned about there states of health, peace, and happiness and often lack of it. Concerned because sadly most people are uneducated, misinformed or just plain out lied to about everything from how the chemicals they use to clean their home to how the makeup you put on your face alters your hormones. Much less how the medical industry and its sister the pharmaceutical companies are profiting not off your health but often your illness.

In my past lives (if I had them) in sometimes I would have been burned alive at the stake for my love of animals (black cats and panthers especially) my use of food plants flowers and herbs as medicine and my perspectives even today are seen as radical. But from my perspective I am far from radical, I am doing lots and lots of research and looking beyond the surface to attempt to help and heal and educate. I know that everyone is trying to make money off me and you, do you really think the pharmaceuticals they give you for depression stress or insomnia are things you couldn't do without the expensive help of that lovely socially acceptable drug dealer? Do you really think you are going to be more beautiful because you are wearing a designer or expensive lipstick or perfume? do you really think your doctor cares about you or is just running you through the system. I have never found or met a doctor who actually cared about me, which has caused me not to really ever go to them in fact I can hardly remember going besides getting blood test now and then to make sure I was ok, I became my own doctor, and even though my friends loved ones and family may not like the fact I am always trying to educate them on how to be healthier...I can't help it.. but let me tell you why.

I was 13 when I watched my grandmother who ate drank smoked and did as she wanted get cancer, and I watched them try to treat her, and I watched her get sicker, and sicker, and die a tragic horrible sad death. Then when I was 15 I was living part time with her sister my great aunt and she got sick and they said she had the flu, I said "no" something else is wrong, I know it, they didn't listen, they kept saying she had the flu, she started acting crazy, and finally they listened they scanned her and found a brian tumor, I stayed with her, I brought her the bed pan, I help care for her, and I watched her die a slow tragic horrible death, one that I believed didn't have to happen, and she ate as she wanted was overweight smoked and drank, right until she gasped her last breath.

Of course I didn't understand then what i know now, there is a direct link between toxins, chemicals, and cancer, I slowly started to figure it out, and slowly have been putting the puzzle pieces together, if you want to CURE cancer then PREVENT it. If you want to CURE diabetes then PREVENT it, if you want to cure Insomnia, depression,anxiety, then FACE it and YOU CAN at least help slow it all down, and help heal yourself, be your own doctor NO one can be a better healer for you then you.

I started making notes and observing people, I meet lots of people, I can read energy, creativity, balance, lack of balance, depression, I am even getting pretty good at telling people what they eat without them telling me just by looking at there skin, hair, eyes, energy, weight etc, because when I am not modeling making music or acting, I have been studying, and exploring for I want to write a book, I thought of calling it "How not to be Prey" or "How not to live dead" ok... well not really I haven't thought of it, or maybe I should just get all my friends to work on it with me, for everyone has knowledge. But in my calculations observations and connections I have been figuring out things.

The chinese were on to something looking at your tongue, your body, eyes hands skin you can tell allot. I look at everyone, (sometimes they think I am looking for other reasons) and sometimes I say things, sometimes their bodies tell me things, like " help if they don't change soon I am going to start dying in here" ... sadly when I try to tell people that cokes, french fries, white sugar, white flour, never working out, medication, alcohol etc are slowly killing them they look at me and say " who cares" and then I feel like my mom must have felt when I was 17 and consuming drug cocktails.

But in this moment I want to do something to at least educate people for many have no idea, I had no idea how ill things could make me. I had no idea smoking would leave tar on my lungs, I had no idea that eating french fries would create nasty build up inside my body, I had no idea that my makeup wasn't good for me. I had no idea that living off vodka ice cream and sushi was bad for me. But I after I faced death and realized I was here for awhile I decided I wanted to be AWAKE, ALIVE AND PRESENT.

That choice changed my perspective I eat to live, I drink to live, I do what I do to be awake and alive. I am aware of what I eat what I drink and how it effects me and now I am going deeper, how does my house effect me? how do chemicals effect me? how do my clothing? for the hunter wants us to believe everything is safe everything is fine, and then when we least expect it they pounce.

I am intending on using myself as a example of what happens if you make changes, at some point I will show you then don't believe it just try it and see for yourself.

Ok lets talk big picture here we are at war you and I are at war you may not realize it but we are. Your enemy is invisible unless you look, it feeds off your money, time, energy, your dreams, your hopes your love. Your enemy is formless for it can come to you in many disguises and it wants to take EVERYTHING away from you and leave you broke, empty, lifeless and then dead. Your enemy feeds off your mind, body and soul, and the first problem is many don't even know they are already captive held in prison and slaves to the enemy.

I am all about positive thinking but when something is trying to kill people I am sorry I am at war and I will fight for if no one fights and we are passive then we are all nothing but slaves captives to our enemy. They say the enemy is in yourself and yes it is but that is just part of it and that is the first enemy you have to battle. Some call it demons, some call it ego, some call it the pain body, call it whatever you want and whatever fits your views but it is what it is and its real.

It can possess you and when it does you become a walking dead person, going through the motions, and in that state you are a slave a captive a prisoner to the enemy. So the first battle is awareness and that is a very VERY VERY hard battle for many of us are unaware of why or how we do things all the time. Sometimes its no big deal other times its deadly. Some people ask me " why did you do x" and I can usually give you a reason, sometimes people ask me " why did you put your toothbrush in the freezer" and I say " I don't know" and the reason was I was sleep walking, I was so lost in my head my ideas my thinking that I don't remember what I was doing or how I did it.

But I was unaware, I try to be more aware the more aware I am the easier life gets, the healthier I am, the less I find myself having " bad luck" or " feeling bad" the more aware I am the less "depressed" or "anxious I am the more aware I am the more I accomplish and I don't put my toothbrush in the fridgereator as often. But being aware is not easy for your enemy wants you asleep ..

Lulled softly into waking sleep by the never ending stream of TV, Chemicals, Phones, things to do things to buy things to be, lulled to sleep by the medication, lulled to sleep out of fear, out of doubt out of insecurity out of disconnection from each other and the world, rather connected to a false reality created with one intention usually (there are always exceptions) which is to own you body mind and soul.

I went to Milan to be a fashion model, I did the whole thing, I got work, I got a good agency then they wanted to send me to five other countries but something happened to me while I was in Milan which altered my course. As much as I loved making pictures and creating I didn't want to dedicate my life to just that, for I wanted to say something to be able to do more then just be a nameless pretty face without a voice. That was when I realized that I had to be true to me, and follow my heart even if it wasn't conventional and so I left Milan and made a choice to focus on other things.

I became aware of the industry and then I realized its all about making money, and often at the expense of anyone who isn't aware enough to see they are being used not all the time but often. I watched people die at raves, I watched models starve themselves, black out because of agents always saying thinner, I watched artist get signed and shelved, I watched heads of labels lose what they helped built, I watched a war start and I watched the internet explode.

But being aware is crucial understanding the thoughts you think and not just letting them drive you but rather being aware of them and then making a move after that awareness.
Vipassana is a form of meditation that really helped me over the years and I highly recommend anyone who wants to be more aware, wants to fight for their life, wants to be awake aware and present to check it out. I am planning on going once or twice this year and maybe more.

I am all about positive thoughts but I do not believe in being like an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand, we are in a position where the last thing we need to be is obese depressed hooked on medication and sleep walking, we are losing our lives, our lands, and our dreams rapidly in this state . I don't believe there is anything to fear for i believe we can all take it back and win this battle but you cannot fight a battle you deny exist and you will not see the battle unless you are awake.

The Enemy is clever and can capture you then make you forget your a slave make you forget your dreams make you forget your fire passion and spirit and then you feed and serve your enemy and die often unhappy and unfulfilled and I don't want to see that happen to anyone I know or don't know because we are all connected and we are all in this together.....

The Enemy is clever but if we are awake we have no issues out smarting the enemy and adapting and protecting ourselves. The good news is if you decide to fight, to wake up, to be aware, to take back your life many are already doing it, and many are there to help you. You won't be alone and the information and education is rapidly multiplying which is inspiring for the tiny fire will spread for the truth holds a power that surpasses the hold of deception.

We have to fight for ourselves, our children, our planet and each other and the first step is awareness... fight with your dollar, fight with your time, fight with your work, fight with your creativity, fight with your words, art, music, photos, through your thoughts, your habits your lifestyle.

Resistance is something we can all do in little ways, I am learning more each day, buying more and more cloth bags and being more and more aware when I forget them and NOT using ANY plastic or paper bags is my goal slowly getting there. Getting rid of all unnatural chemicals in my food, water, clothing, cleaners, house, makeup, hair care, (I still am working on this any ideas let me know) and even looking into ways to filter the air and water to attempt to be taking in less chemicals.

Resistance is something we can do in many small ways and if we all make changes we can cause real change. I remember being told about the apocalypse and what they didn't teach me in sunday school was it wasn't God who was going to destroy the EARTH it was man....

That being said lets just pretend we are little gods, and our homes and lives are our planets and lets try to nurture love and care for them not destroy and kill them, lets just pretend we are gods and everything we do has an impact and effects the whole world...

Lets pretend there are no countries no religions no race no color no class and no terrorist and lets pretend we are all in this together and all one family lets pretend there are no passports visas boundaries or boarders now does war really make sense...

I fight my war in spirit in mind body and soul for fighting with guns bombs missiles disease and beyond is a war no one wins.

I write this words and hope to inspire you to join us for there are many and take back your life...
I can only share what I have learned and what I have experienced but I hope it will inspire you to do the same ...

J

There I was, here I am, I feel so much see so much connected, to every smile, every word, and in this city it feels as if I am sitting in the middle of heaven and hell all at once.
I am reading A New Earth, the book kept coming to me so I looked for it at LAX and found it, I started reading it and felt my eyes tear my heart expand and the words spoke to me like a long lost lover, I had been missing for years. The words both inspire me and add fuel to a fire, words spoken that existed in childhood, that existed while I challenged the system, while I faced my fears head on, as I dived into the darkness to the door of death, through passion and pain pleasure and torture, religion and sin, cults and hedonism only to find myself in the same place as I was as a child.

Light, Love, Joy, Hope, Inspiration, dreams visions songs energy life....

Why would anyone chose to put another down? why would any of us chose to take anothers life? why would anyone chose to judge? to ripe apart? to destroy ? to close doors, to tear apart? why ?

Just because I don't understand you, or understand why you do what you do how can I be the one to tell you, I am better then you or you deserve not your dream?....

My greatest struggle has been overcoming submission to those who try to tear others down, submission to rules created out of fear, submission to those who want to manipulate and control me, exploit and use me. Submission to those who tell me I will be blacklisted or have been because I did XY and Z .. Submission to fear myself, Submission to fear everyone else....

I learned something about being a submissive, I learned that the Submissive is really in control, for the one who feels the need the desire to be the dominate one, is really not in control.. ...

I was never a submissive, I could play one, I could pretend to be one, but I was always fighting submission, for no master was pure enough for me to submit to, they all wanted me for the wrong reasons, and so I have no master, I am my own master, and I bow to no one...
There are those I met who I am inspired by and they are like bright beautiful shining lights, they are free, everything they did or will do is part of there path, and they do not fear the steps they take.

Sometimes I wish I could just take everyone to this place, its a beautiful place, in that place the truth comes to the surface, burning through all the lies, confusion, pain, fear and doubt and in that place a new birth happens, and freedom starts to wrap around and protect you from all the fears and doubts. In that place the only thing that matters is love, and the love that is here, in all of us, now, not love we have to work for, or be good for or kill for or follow thousands of rules for......

I am glad to see whats happening, and yet at the same time I see the other-side, and I hope it spreads like a virus, for we can change our world, starting with our lives.... Change isn't always easy but it feels so good...

Letting go, letting things roll away with the rain into the water, I fight as hard as I can, but I do not fight to win, I fight to live, to be free, to create, to dream, to overcome anything for I can, I believe we all can. Things happen to teach me, everything comes to me and depending on how I receive it I can either grow or stay in my place. ... I like to move, to grow, expand, learn, dream ...I like to feel, I like being alive, awake here and now..

Life is magical for me, so magical its hard to explain, yes I have my rough spots, but in every good fairy tale there are battles, enemies and challenges, it is all happening through vision and dreams, reality and faith.....

To some I have lead a very intense life, to me it is just life, full hard deep filled with passion creation and its balance... Life to me is meant to be lived, explored, tasted.... not put in a box sedated hooked up to a machine receiving its soul life support which only supports it long enough to be able to use it...

I learned if I was not careful, My life would be removed without me even noticing it, and I would find myself slave to a master, a master who only cared about one thing, me making it money. It would pretend to be my friend, pretend to care, it would feed me whatever it felt like I needed in order to continue being a good little slave. A master who will exploit you and use you up and then when you have nothing left to give, will abandon you and leave you hooked up to a machine until your too expensive and then the master will just let you die.

There are many trying to be masters of others rather then themselves, trying to own you and control you and they are smart, they have big bank accounts, big backing, big bombs, and big pockets... but you and I can chose if we want to be slaves or not.

I learned a long time ago, I wasn't the submissive type even if I looked it, not really not deep inside, not my spirit, not my soul, the only part of me that was submissive came from ego and fear. Not light and love.....

Walking through Penn Station part of me wants to do something really extreme, like take all my clothes off and start singing, or better yet start making love in front of everyone because maybe then just then I could get through all the noise. I was thinking about it in the cab, maybe sex is so powerful because its something that even all the noise can't drowned out, its something so interwoven into our beings that maybe its the only thing that can get peoples attention because it reminds us...

We are people.......
Not machines, not slaves, not sedated, not sleeping, but alive, and longing to make love, to create, to connect to be one....

For we are all already one, but its easy to forget in all the noise, in all the fear, and so in those moments something inside me wants to do something just to remind people, we are alive, we are human, we are not our computers, our iphones, our jobs, our bank accounts houses cars or bodies, ....
-------------------
Nudity and Sex are just triggers to our humanity, there is a reason it stops us, and making love is part of us remembering we are all one, and that is how we are created, through love, and if we strip away all the fear, and violence war and complications we all just want love and to be loved...
but we already are.................

and so I am going to go back to writing, more songs, yes I know its taking a long time, but it will be done soon, but everything is happening for a reason.... so I am in NYC till the 17th then I am returning to the west coast to focus on finishing everything I have been working on...
and making new things :)

for the time is here and now........

please read this

Read this if NOTHING else Its about you losing your FREEDOM of Choice
http://www.naturalnews.com/021789.html

Its important, maybe too late for letters but this isn't even funny, the FDA is trying to do something which if it happens would really cause harm to any of us who do not want to be stuck on pharmaceuticals, processed and chemically filled food and those of us who really don't want to put whats mass produced into our bodies, it would make those growing organic food drug dealers and its already happening.

I returned from south east asia and am shocked at what is going on, there are NO more raw almonds, except on the black market, for FOOD? and if you try to convince me or yourself after reading the information on the link about that they are just trying to keep us safe, they why don't they outlaw fast food and tons of other chemicals which are PROVEN to cause everything from obesity to cancer.

Please read the above, I know your busy, I know you may not care but to lose the FREEDOM to EAT what we want is just too much too far and utterly insane. Its bad enough gas is going up and wars are going on but to not even to be able to eat raw healthy organic food or get ahold of green tea is utterly mind blowing.

So please take a moment look into it spread the word even if you like your meat and potatoes because the reality is we should have the CHOICE to use natural medicine and the CHOICE to eat raw food and if that is taken away I live in a country that has completely lost its soul for the dollar and thats not the country I want to live in.

Thanks for reading and again check out
this
http://www.naturalnews.com/021789.html

Health freedom action alert: FDA attempting to regulate supplements, herbs and juices as "drugs"
by Mike Adams

When it comes to health freedom, this is the FDA's end game. A new FDA "guidance" document, published on the FDA's website, reveals plans to reclassify virtually all vitamins, supplements, herbs and even vegetable juices as FDA-regulated drugs. Massage oils and massage rocks will be classified as "medical devices" and require FDA approval. The document is called Docket No. 2006D-0480. Draft Guidance for Industry on Complementary and Alternative Medicine Products and Their Regulation by the Food and Drug Administration.

The FDA is accepting public comments on the docket until April 30th. They tried to sneak this under the radar, but word got out and now the natural health community is up in arms over this rule. If you wish to protect your access to nutritional supplements, herbs, essential oils, homeopathic medicine or any other "complementary" or "alternative" modality, it is crucial that you take action to post your comments with the FDA right now and write your representatives in Washington to put a stop to this outrageous effort to destroy natural medicine. (And be sure to really write them. Just sending an email has virtually no impact compared to writing a physical letter in your own words.)

Click here for the direct link to the FDA's comment posting page for this docket.

This move by the FDA is designed to once and for all destroy the 1994 DSHEA law that has made supplements "legal" while eliminating nutritional supplements and natural medicine from the United States, ensuring monopoly profits and control by drug companies and the FDA. It is the latest action item by the FDA / Big Pharma conspiracy that will not stop until health freedom has been abolished, drug companies rule the nation, and every citizen is diagnosied with a fictitious disease and drugged up on monopoly-priced pharmaceuticals.

FDA "experts" will decide what's a drug or medical device
Under these proposed guidelines, FDA "experts" (the same corrupt officials who reapproved Vioxx after it killed over 50,000 Americans) will decide whether herbs, supplements, vitamins or simple devices like massage stones are to be regulated as drugs and medical devices. If the FDA experts, in their infinite wisdom, decide that these things are to be reclassified, they will essentially be outlawed, stripped from the shelves, and regulated out of existence. Anyone who dares to manufacture, promote or sell such products may be branded a criminal and rounded up by armed FDA agents who have a well established history of suppressing natural medicine.

I've documented much of the criminal history of the FDA in my recent book, Natural Health Solutions and the Conspiracy to Keep You From Knowing About Them, which suddenly seems even more relevant today than when I wrote it. In that book, I documented the FDA ordered book burnings, the raids on vitamin shops, the kidnapping of natural health practitioners, the threats, intimidation and oppression tactics that have been used to suppress natural medicine for nearly a hundred years now. And now, with this CAM Products Regulation effort, the FDA is about to deal a final, fatal blow to the alternative medicine industry, outlawing nutritional supplements, functional foods, homeopathy and natural therapies all at once.

This is not a drill. It really is time to be alarmed. Nothing else I've written about this year is as important as this sinister plot to destroy natural medicine and force the American population to resort to dangerous prescription medications sold at monopoly prices under a system of medical tyranny.

Your access to vitamins, supplements, herbs, and even energy medicine modalities is now directly threatened, and you have until April 30 to make your voice heard.

Action items
First, read the document yourself. Click here for the PDF version.

Take special care to notice the following text, taken directly from the FDA's own document: (italicized text is from the FDA, with my own translation following)

"...a product used in a CAM therapy or practice may be subject to regulation as a biological product, cosmetic, drug, device, or food (including food additives and dietary supplements) under the act or the PHS Act. Second, neither the act nor the PHS Act exempts CAM products from regulation."

Translation: Anything used in any system of medicine may now be regulated as a drug or medical device by the FDA. This includes a biofeedback machine, acupuncture needles, a cup of herbal tea, massage oil, a glass of vegetable juice or even a bottle of water.

"...if a person decides to produce and sell raw vegetable juice for use in juice therapy to promote optimal health... [and] if the juice therapy is intended for use as part of a disease treatment regimen instead of for the general wellness, the vegetable juice would also be subject to regulation as a drug under the Act."

Translation: Raw vegetable juice will be regulated as a drug and must be FDA approved as a drug if it has any health effect whatsoever. Handing a cup of raw vegetable juice to someone and telling them it's good for the detoxification of their liver will get you arrested for practicing medicine without a license and promoting an "unapproved drug."

..."biologically based practices" includes, but is not limited to, botanicals, animal-derived extracts, vitamins, minerals, fatty acids, amino acids, proteins, prebiotics and probiotics: whole diets, and "functional foods". ...a botanical product intended for use in treating a disease would generally be regulated as a drug." ..."functional foods" may be subject to FDA regulation as foods, dietary supplements, or drugs under the Act.

Translation: All foods, supplements, superfoods and functional foods may be reclassified as drugs by the FDA, then regulated off the market.

If... the manipulative and body-based practices involve the use of equipment (such as massage devices) or the application of a product (such as a lotion, cream, or oil) to the skin or other parts of the body, those products may be subject to regulation under the Act."

Translation: Massage oils and creams will be regulated as "drugs" and acupuncture needles as "medical devices." Taking this absurdity one step further, massage therapists who use their fingers to touch patients may have their fingers regulated as "medical devices" and be accused of practicing medicine for merely touching patients.

Things that will be regulated out of existence
It is very clear that the FDA is intending to regulate and ultimately destroy the entire CAM industry (Complementary and Alternative Medicine). Based on the explanations in the FDA's own document, the following things are likely to occur:


* All vitamins, nutritional supplements and functional foods will be stripped of their structure & function claims, reducing them to empty labels where virtually nothing at all is allowed to be stated.

* Vegetable juice will be regulated as a drug. Raw juice retreats will be raided or shut down.

* Growing and selling common garden herbs will get you arrested as a drug dealer.

* Massage oils and handheld massagers will be regulated as "medical devices."
* Yoga props, pilates machines and weight machines will be regulated as "medical devices" and require FDA approval before being sold or used.

* Raw sprouts and other anti-cancer foods will be regulated as drugs.

* Bottled water that "treats" dehydration will be regulated as a drug.

* Massage therapists who use hot rocks as part of their therapy will have the ROCKS regulated as medical devices! (It's true. The FDA will actually look at a pile of rocks and declare, "Those are medical devices!")

* Functional foods, supplements, vitamins and homeopathic remedies will disappear from store shelves, pending FDA "review." (The only things remaining will be processed junk foods and pharmaceuticals, which is exactly what Big Business wants.)

* Therapeutic tea products, such as green tea, will be outlawed and confiscated.

* Vitamin store owners will be arrested and prosecuted for "practicing medicine without a license."

* Citizens owning personal inventories of "unapproved drugs" (vitamins and herbs) may have their homes raided at gunpoint and their inventories confiscated by armed law enforcement agents.

* The importation of herbs and functional foods from all countries may be banned.


Keep in mind that the FDA is the same agency that:


* Wants to label irradiated foods as "pasteurized."

* Voted to put the deadly drug Vioxx back on the market after tens of thousands of deaths, even after its own manufacurer pulled it from pharmacies.

* Raided a church at gunpoint, confiscating biofeedback machines and charging that they were "practicing medicine" by counseling church members on issues like depression.

* Openly allows corrupt, "on the take" experts to vote on new drug approvals, even when those experts are taking money from the same companies impacted by their votes.

* Refuses to legalize stevia, the safe, natural herbal sweetener that's used virtually everywhere else in the world. The agenda? Protect the profits of aspartame and other chemical sweeteners.

* Openly allows the mass poisoning of the public with cancer-causing food additives such as sodium nitrite.

* Refuses to enforce its own laws regarding unsafe chemical toxins in personal care products, allowing perfume and lotion companies to continue poisoning the public with cancer-causing chemicals that don't even have to be listed on the label, nor proven safe.

* Ordered the destruction of recipe books that mentioned stevia. (A campaign to keep the public ignorant of the herb.)

* Does everything in its power to protect drug company profits, including discrediting herbs, supplements and alternative medicine.


Does anyone honestly believe that this criminal organization has any capacity whatsoever to act in the public interest? Even many Senators are fed up with the FDA's unprecedented level of corruption and criminal behavior.

Action items, continued...
Read Jon Barron's comments on this rule at the JonBarron.org website

Next, lodge your complaint against the FDA by commenting on this docket through the FDA's docket comment form.

And finally, write your Senator or Congressperson about this issue and let them know, in blatant language, that you will not stand by and allow the criminals running medicine today to take away your access to vitamins, supplements, herbs and homeopathic medicine. Write the letter in your own words, even if it's just two sentences. Individual letters have a hundred times the impact of form letters.

Medical wasteland USA
Everything is at stake here. If the FDA gets its way, the United States will become a medical wasteland, dominated by corporate drug company interests, where the naturopaths are imprisoned and their products destroyed. Supplements and herbs will become contraband, and gardeners who grow their own medicinal herbs may be raided and arrested by DEA agents wielding assault rifles. Simply selling dried broccoli sprouts as being "good anti-cancer foods" may land you in prison, and running a vitamin shop could result in you being arrested for "practicing medicine."

Imagine a nation where Whole Foods stores are stripped of all herbs and supplements, where vitamin shops are emptied and abandoned, where books that promote herbs are bulldozed into large piles and burned, where natural healers are rounded up and "disappeared" into incarceration centers. This is the future that will become reality if the FDA has its way. The plan has been explained to us in plain language. Any agency that openly states "vegetable juice will be regulated as a drug" has quite simply lost its marbles. We're are now clearly being regulated by clinically insane bureaucrats.

With this desperate proposal by the FDA -- clearly designed as a last-ditch effort to save the failing conventional medical industry from a massive public shift towards natural medicine -- the war against health freedom has reached our shores, and the FDA is plotting a 9/11-style attack to bring down the towers of health freedom in one swift motion.

This is the same agency that currently represents the greatest threat to the health and safety of the American people, far outweighing the threat of real terrorism. This agency, we have seen, will do ANYTHING to protect the profits and power of drug companies. It will lie, steal, accept bribes, hide scientific evidence, distort statistics, commit scientific fraud, break federal laws, threaten its own drug safety scientists, conspire with drug company executives, intimidate American citizens and use terror-style tactics to achieve its goals of complete domination over foods, drugs and health.

Why do Americans tolerate terrorism in their own government?

It is time we put a stop to this home-grown tyranny. We have fought too hard for freedom in the United States to allow us all to be steamrolled by a criminal front group covertly working for Big Pharma. The FDA has declared war on natural medicine and the American people, and we will lose our family members, children, brothers and sisters as casualties of this war if we don't stand up now and demand radical changes. It's time to stop this terrorist organization from destroying the lives of yet more U.S. citizens.

Make your voice heard now, or forever surrender your access to supplements, herbs, superfoods and functional foods. By the time the FDA is done with this country, we'll all be eating medication for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Action reminders:
1. Lodge a complaint with the FDA by clicking here. MAKE SURE you include the docket number 2006D-0480. But don't trust this to be enough. The FDA will probably simply delete half the complaints it receives, so don't trust your complaint to actually count. It's important to continue...

2. Send a strongly-worded letter to your representatives in Washington. Be sure to cite Docket No. 2006D-0480. Draft Guidance for Industry on Complementary and Alternative Medicine Products and Their Regulation by the Food and Drug Administration. Tell them you support open access to vitamins, herbs, and supplements, and you do not want CAM to be regulated by the FDA.

3. Send this story to everyone you know. Spread the word. Raise the alarm. With enough public support, the FDA will be forced to back off this insane proposal.

And stay tuned to NaturalNews for more news, analysis and action alerts on health freedom. Even though we're under constant attack by criminal organizations trying to disrupt our servers and take us off line, we're still here, beating the drum for health freedom, and hoping that we have enough sane-minded Americans remaining to save this country from its government.

Actual FDA quote is gobbledygook
Here's an actual FDA statement from the CAM Guidance report:

For example, naturopathic cranberry tablets might be labeled for use to maintain the health of the urinary tract. In this example, the cranberry tablets generally would be regulated as "dietary supplements" ...if they were labeled for use to "maintain the health of the urinary tract" rather than "prevent urinary tract infections." The cranberry tablets would be regulated as "drugs" ...if they were labeled for use to "treat urinary tract infections" even if they were labeled as dietary supplements.

Additional phone numbers as listed in the FDA document
Sheryl Lard-Whiteford at 301-827-0379
Daniel Nguyen at 301-827-8971
Ted Stevens at 301-594-1184
Wayne Amchin at 301-827-6739

Los Angeles has been very good to me, it seems everyday I meet an connect with people who inspire me and also are like beacons of light. Even through my sites I have been receiving such encouragement support and love its been really amazing and uplifting. Yet in the midst of this part of me still feels like that child, the one who was always told they were not good enough and eventually hid everything for after awhile it seemed safer to isolate then to be torn to pieces because you were not like them, or not a good little christian girl...

I used to be so proud, I used to sing so loud, when I was a child, I never cared who heard me, but somehow I started to feel unsafe showing that side. I can trace it back as a little girl you want your fathers approval and when you don't get it long enough it makes you feel well not quite good enough. Along with my fathers approval I used to work for Gods approval, and the church often told me I wasn't getting it. Then one day I said this can't be love or real or right and rebelled against it all and then that voice, those songs, the things I hid all started to come out, for to me that creation was part of love and extended from the divine.

But I still have moments when in all the beauty bliss and blessing of life I feel a little shy, afraid I will do the wrong thing, afraid I will offend those I love, afraid my music, my art, my work, won't be good enough and then I get all shy. I learned a long time ago to get over it, but at the same time somewhere deep inside I am still that little girl and my creations are an extension of my heart and I can accept those who don't know me or those who don't care tearing me to bits but sometimes when I know someone when I respect someone when I admire someone, part of me still feels a bit shy. I have always overcome that shyness, that feeling of wanting to curl up in my safe cocoon and keep all my music in there with me because its part of me and I am its creator to a degree, but then there is the other part with is a fighter and a warrior and realizes that maybe just maybe if I can overcome these things, and if I can walk the path and if I can not hide my light and if I can let my self shine even when I am shy, even when I feel unsure, if I can just move beyond that and if I can think of others, and connect to those who feel inspired by those extensions and creations from my heart then its easy to not want to hide or hide my creations.

I am blessed, the people I have encountered, the lovers, the friends, the creative people I have worked with have all taught me, helped me and showed me many things. The support I have felt since being here has been amazing and has inspired me deeply. I do all this for reasons far beyond things I even know how to explain. I just know that I made a pact a thousand times and that pact was to try to do everything I could to let my life become something that could inspire others, that pact was to be a creator, dreamer, healer, believer, despite the darkness, the hard times, the pain, the suffering, despite my enemies ... and sometimes its not so easy to keep that pact, and sometimes I am far from perfect, but I want to try.

I realize I can do a lot to make the world a more beautiful, positive, creative and inspired place, I want to use my art, my life, my creation to both inspire as well as teach others, for I feel that we are all creative, we all are filled with the divine, we all are beautiful, no one is ugly, no one is worthless, no one should ever be told they are, and yet many hear those words and accept them as truth and those words become the walls which cage them in a small jail .

This passion, keeps me awake late at night, keeps me creating as if there was no tomorrow, for everyday I value, and I want to use every moment for something positive, beautiful, honest, real, for each moment I can give to that is one less moment given to destruction, war, lies, hate. I can fight with each photo, each word, each song, each moment, for the only way to change it is to be that change....

Sometimes I tell people my story, and usually my heart opens and expands, my chest feels like it will burst, and that energy is something that will never leave, and I will not leave this path, or stop this fight, if I am hungry, if I am tired, if I am alone, if I have nothing for.. I fight in order to overcome so that others may see you can overcome, I fight for the only revenge I believe in is not giving up, not giving in, not letting those who try to destroy you and your dreams accomplish there goals. I believe in alchemy and I believe anything can be transformed and if I can transform everything I experienced into something that reaches beyond words it becomes something that can inspire and heal ...

Yet there are times, when I battle the things it seems many have or do, or I revisit the places I lived before, and its not easy, and in those moments I remember being alone, stripped of everything, in everyday and in the darkness, and yet it was that place that changed my perspective. For I realized what love was, I realized what was not love, and my passion became less about money, power and fame, and more about using my life to try to counteract an energy which is like a virus slowly spreading....

For there are many things which are not real, plastic idols and false religions fear based cultures and medicated passions, and the only way to be alive is to be real and real isn't always easy or pretty or light and happy, real is sometimes suffering pain and loss, real is sometimes rejection, abuse, and lies, and yet even in all those things you can see the truth and love, and overcome them all... As long as you don't give up, and giving up is when you stop caring... stop caring about how you are affected or you affect others...

sometimes I think I am hypersensitive an overreact, and sometimes I get lost and feel its ok,.. I have been learning how to let my wall down, and sometimes this can be strange for others, but I feel we cannot live behind a wall, I can't do it anymore I have to be real, I have to be honest, about my hopes my dreams, my fears, my past, my feelings, for if I am not real, I am nothing but a plastic face playing a silly game..

I am who I am with my quirks and my scars, with my story and my dreams... I will laugh will cry will love will fall, those who see me will see me and those who won't can't...

I am very happy with where I am in life in this moment, very inspired about my future, and yet I know I have a bit of a battle ahead, but bring it on, it can't be more intense then where I came from.. thats the good side of my life once you get burned, once you have been knocked down, shot at, had bullet wounds, been left, abandoned, lied to , and managed to get up over and over you just accept that sometimes that happens, and you can overcome it, you can get up, you can go on, and you can keep you dreams your visions and your love alive...

You can touch my flesh and bones but you cannot take my spirit....

Coconuts, Oil, Instinct, Urgency, and Being Raw Vegan


For years I tried to find the magic balance between food and health, I tried every diet, every pill, tons of supplements . Being in front of a camera for over a decade now being in shape having good skin all became not only something I wanted but something I had to have. When I was younger my skin was a reck, and even when I started modeling, it caused me to lose work, and I tried everything including over the counter medications nothing really worked. Over the years as I evolved and learned more and more I came across the raw food diet and was fascinated by it, but more so I was fascinated how healthy, happy, energetic, and thin the most dedicated were. So I decided to give it a try and I switched my diet to around 90/95 percent raw food. Which means I eat mostly raw food, or lightly steamed food, lots of salads, juices, smoothies, nuts, and now that raw foods are becoming more popular internationally I can eat everything and anything I always loved only raw. I do allow myself room to bend a bit depending on the situation but overall I find when I eat mostly all raw food I feel a hundred times better, my skin is healthy, and I have more energy then I can use. Of course with any diet you have to do your research and its pretty easy to do these days, but its pretty easy, the other thing about being on this diet is I can't remember the last time I was sick, or felt bad for longer then a few hours which only really happened while being in third world countries where I still ate mostly raw or lightly steamed food when my body was adjusting to the new bacteria. What I have discovered is that the more natural I can keep my food, household cleaners, and skin care the better I feel and look, not to mention its good for the environment I use very little plastic, for the majority of what I eat comes as is or maybe in a tiny bag, but overall compared to process foods even processed healthy foods there is far less waste. Through my continual research I have discovered many amazing foods and herbs which can do everything from speed up healing on a wound seven times faster to kick a cold in far less time then anything you can buy over the counter. I find that my immune system is stronger, I find that I sleep better, I find that I adjust to different time zones quicker, I find that I can run further, and I find that my wounds heal very quickly, which much of I contribute to giving my body what it really needs rather then giving it things it can't really use properly. I have tried eating meat under doctors orders once and I stopped very quickly, if I eat meat which at this point I feel I do not want to I tried to eat raw fish for it felt healthier. Many people say they could never do raw food, or be a vegan because they wouldn't have enough energy or they would be hungry all the time. I found I eat less, I eat more small meals and snacks, but I am sure to consume a good amount of good fats everyday, which at the moment are mostly nuts, (Almonds, Pumpkin Seeds, Cashews) and nut butters (almond, cashew,) avocados (usually 2 a day) coconut water and coconut oil/cream (which I use in my shakes as well as to moisturize my face). Along with the fats I have been eating lots of berries, agave nectar, coconut ( which is amazing food and very healing) which you can learn more about here and I highly recommend you read this http://www.coconutresearchcenter.org/.


Eating mostly raw food is pretty proven to be a very healthy way to go, and even if you eat fish, meat, dairy etc, eating as much raw food as you can will only help you. I of course have tired to get all of my friends to eat healthier, its something I want to share because being sick, overweight, without energy, unhealthy is the last thing any of us wants for ourselves or others, and often our bodies just need better care, better food, and more love. I do not believe we have to be sick, without energy or overweight, I believe you can eat as much as you want not have to diet and have good health. Sadly I feel that much of the problem in America from obesity to Mental disorders could be resolved by altering the diet as well as the lifestyle of those who suffer rather then put them on medication which is just another addictive substance which creates dependency and the need to make more money to spend more money. Many cases of everything from ADD to Depression I believe could be altered without using drugs, but sadly that doesn't make as much money and so the Alternative health methods will still be viewed as alternative even though they are the health methods that existed long before the methods we practice now. Yet all of these methods are still viewed as alternative, we had to eat lots of raw or lightly cooked foods before refrigerators and microwaves, and even now often when I go camping or live in a house in the mountains of Bali, I can eat what I always eat because I don't need a refrigerator, I don't need a microwave, I can integrate with nature, and not need to be apart from it. Which I feel is something to keep in mind, nature was here before us, and will be here after us, we kill it, chop it down, use it abuse it, and yet if we paid more attention to it and stayed a bit closer to it, maybe our lives would be easier, we would feel more at peace, for I don't believe that forgetting our roots, our origins, forgetting our connection with the land, sun, air and sea is good for us.

Nature provides all the cures we will need, I am sure they are all there, and while we try to manufacture health and healing while killing what already is there to provide both we are forgetting something very vital for our survival, we cannot exist with only concrete and machines, without the sea, sun and air we will die. So to treat it as if it doesn't matter, to not care for it as it cares for us will only cause our own slow and painful fall, for when the earth can no longer feed or nurture us because we have filled it with our garbage, smoke, waste, and taken away all of its blood, filled the ocean with plastic, filled the land with concrete, and cut down all the trees, we will then realize we needed the earth for the earth is what nurtures us. I grew up in the woods then lived in cities, now I go between the two as often as I can, for I realize that nature is my teacher, and I hope that if I come to the cities and write, create and speak, then maybe I can help prevent this, for there are many of us working hard to prevent our own downfall. So when you eat think of where it comes from, think of how it got to you, when you drive remember your using the blood from the earth and I don't believe that draining it all away will not have any side effect, and drive as you need, for to support those who kill in order to profit, and who care less about harming the planet in order to make there millions, for we all need to drive but trying to use less oil and gas is a good thing for all of us. I am moving to LA soon and will have to get a car and am starting to try to figure out the best thing I can do for I do not want to contribute more then I have to, and I would like to find a way not to do it at all. Try to remember the lights and to turn them off, try to remember that you are BLESSED AND RICH for after spending a good amount of time in the third world ALL of US are rich, no matter how poor you are. Chances are you have FOOD you have CLOTHING and a HOUSE over your head, there many lack those basic things and yet they smile more, they are more connected to the earth and they are richer in ways we are not.

For forty dollars you can send a child to school for a year in Myanmar in America you go to school for free but Forty dollars is less then a tank of gas half of the time. This being said just try to connect, to feel, to realize where things start, so we can change how it ends...
For WE are the ones who can make CHANGE we are the ones who can STOP the destruction, We are the ones who can change the world, one day, one choice, one life at a time
its OUR responsibility ....
ps
I am always trying to learn so if you know of good sites, books or resources please post a comment or link
pss
I am not perfect and I aspire to always be aware to be learning and growing , I don't always remember to turn off the lights, and i just bought a thermos so I would not need to use cups all the time while traveling...



http://www.coconutresearchcenter.org/
also here is another book
http://books.google.com/books?id=JW8RtCJqZ8MC&dq=coconut+cures&pg=PP1&ots=4M8PKheaoL&sig=b0JWKWKtyCXBIHsKhHdV1FgmYIM&hl=en&prev=http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=coconut+cures&btnG=Search&sa=X&oi=print&ct=title&cad=one-book-with-thumbnail

Pictures from Myanmar, You are what you Eat, and Korn

Sometimes I consider giving up music, modeling and acting and just going and pursuing a profession of healing and helping people. Although for me it require I spend time going to find a way to be certified so I could actually be what I feel I am good at which is a fusion of natural medicine, art and music therapy, life coaching, etc, because maybe then I could write books and give talks and people could hear. But I can save that for later although I am always doing research on that subject, healing, through nature, through oneself, through medicine that is not manufactured but is from the earth and from ones own soul.

It is very hard for me to see loved ones sick, even harder to see them sick and know ways to help them, and to try to help them but because they cannot or will not commit to helping themselves in the places it is not easy or seems like a sacrifice continue in the cycle of illness. Although my ideas may seem very severe to those brought up on the american diet and the american view of healing (fix it after it breaks) the ideas I give are things I can prove work and I can prove were around long before going to the hospital was.
I believe you can completely alter your body, and make yourself vibrant, beautiful, and overall very healthy, I believe you can even overtime alter your bodies and faces shape, I believe you can be extremely healthy for the most part despite the massive amount of chemicals and pollution in our air, water, and land. But these things require that you really want to feel good and to be healthy and you really want to do whats best for you.

Granted I am not saying everyone should eat a hundred percent raw vegan diet, But I will say everyone should eat a large amount of raw fruit, vegetables, nuts, and sprouts everyday, I will also say that white sugar, flour, and basically white foods are the last thing you should eat.
I have seen drastic changes in my friends who really transform there lives by becoming aware of what they eat, rather then just eating, but actually knowing exactly what it is they eat, which is something to me I find shocking that people don't often do. I on the other hand always read the labels in depth, if things even have labels, and eating out even in third world countries if its not a place I feel I can trust or even if so I will ask, and for me its simple its something I always do, I always know what I put in my body, I always know what it will do, for most of it is pretty scientific most of it is consistent. But it amazes me how many people eat anything and know nothing about it.

The eastern approach to lifestyle and medicine is prevention, which means stopping a problem before it happens, the american way is do as you will and when your obese with cancer we will put you on medication and you can live out the rest of your life sitting in front of a tv or computer wishing you were someone else, ok maybe thats a bit extreme but the american way is transforming and many are becoming more aware. When I go to Myanmar or Bali I don't see any obese people EXCEPT American tourist which I find a bit disturbing, and people eat ALL the time there and they eat food that is not so good for them as well, but much more of there food is more natural less processed and closer to nature. You can find junk food there and it is there for US, we are the ones making Junk food popular internationally, it is the american companies investing in third world to spread the junk food globally and what comes with this junk food in a life time is extra weight, bad skin, and future medical problems. Its too bad we can't take to them what they have given us, but rather we take them food which will over time cause the next generation many problems.
Grant I may not be taking it over and neither are you, but they look up to us, we are the ones they copy, our clothing, our music, our movies, our food, and slowly the whole world is starting to look sound and feel like here, and the cultures are slowly dying out in favor of copying America.
In Bangkok, Bali, Jakarta, and Myanmar I found American movies, music, porn, and knock offs everywhere, which was a bit sad for I was hoping to find something I couldn't find here, not a copy of what I already know. Along with our movies, music and porn comes our food, habits and lifestyle, and this means what we eat, how we act, and what we believe. Korn is big in Myanmar and so is Miss Spears, and I understand why people look up to us, I get it, I mean if you lived like they did we are all like millionaires to them, and those who make it so to say that they see in movies and music and tv are like kings and queens.

I chose the entertainment industry because I want to inspire and reach people, I wanted to learn and share, I wanted to give back as I was given, granted I am and will always be learning and this is part of it, but I want people to be happy and healthy and aware. For awareness brings health and peace, awareness brings us the ability to know what is going on with ourselves, awareness gives us the ability to chose and create our own destiny.
In my teens I was overweight, I had bad skin ( I hid all the pictures or my mother has them or I would show them to you, those I didn't destroy) I was made fun of, I was the fat kid, with big pimples, I was depressed, and then it came to me, I didn't have to be this way, I could change it, I could alter my body, I could even change my face, I could transform myself, I believe I could and I knew I could and then I started working on my little project.
I quickly discovered by eating healthier and exercise my body shrunk, which was really a good thing, and then people started telling me how good I looked, granted I worked hard, and then I had the body thing down but my skin it was still a mess and I couldn't fix it. Then I cut out all sugar, all processed food, everything I didn't know what the ingredient was, and then my skin started really improving. Then I realized I needed to use less harsh soap and then my skin was almost perfect, when I cut out all the stuff I didn't understand not only in what I ate but what I used on my body and face my bad skin vanished. For the first time in my life I could go out of the house without makeup and not worry about scaring the world.

You are what you eat
You are what you eat
Memorize it, for to be aware of what we eat is vital, we can heal ourselves, we can fix our body, our skin, we can be what we desire but it starts with being aware, of your body and how it works and how it handles food. There are many books about this and one of the best I found is "Fit For Life". Its pretty simple the more natural the food, the closer to its natural state it is in the better it is for you. The more organic the better, don't eat anything unless you know what it is, know what you are eating and if you can't tell because you don't understand the word then I would advise looking it up, and then making your choice. There are lots of things in food that are not good for us, and they use them and we eat them because we think they taste good. But the best tasting food is real food, natural food, and not a bunch of sugar, and chemicals.
We deserve to be healthy, we deserve to be what we want, and we can do it, we just have to create new habits, new patterns, new ways of seeing things. For I don't want to see anyone ill but only you have the choice to make to be healthy, to be aware, to understand your body, to discover what it needs, to search to care, love and heal for yourself with everything you put inside of yourself. For each meal is a choice and each choice alters your life, your health your future.

The fire burns with passion
With hope with expansive vision
The fire burns through the deception
This fire can never die and burns within me
The spirit meets blood and flesh
In order to feel to love to fight to dream
To explore create to touch to cry to live
This fire reaches beyond every wall
Through every rule
Breaks down all the lies we have been told
This fire cracks through the thickest skulls
Past the kings guards and burns away
The prisons that have been built to keep us
Locked in fear .......

Fear of each other, fear of the government
Fear of God, Fear of demons, fear of evil, fear of death
Fear of sickness, fear of failure, fear of love
A million lies have been told and bought
Leaving us afraid of the fire afraid to love
Afraid of the government afraid of each other
Afraid to leave the country afraid of terrorist
Afraid to live afraid to die afraid to try afraid to fail
and yet if you stop and find a bit of space
if you let go of all you have been told
if you feel your soul and find that place
there the fire burns the fire that drives you
to feel to live to taste to try to love to live to burn till you die

If I put out the fire out of fear then I never live
And so I embrace the pain, pleasure, love, lust, hope, joy,
I embrace the fear and accept it as I jump over the wall
as I crush my hands as I walk sleepless to a stage
as I create for I cannot keep the fire contained it burns through
my skin, my voice, for my flesh and blood is just an expression
of the fire which exist within...
I do not fear death, love, sickness, or loss
for everything that comes and goes is meant so
I embrace the hope the love the fear
for all of them create beauty in every laugh and every tear
I embrace that we are all one, all eternal, and all beautiful
I am but a fire burning through this flesh and blood

No walls can stop me no ruler can govern me
No cage can hold me no jail can stop me
No death can take me for there is no end
I was created through love I become love love is eternal
No judge can judge me no religion can conform me
No book can guide me no boarders can hold me
For infinity in my home and there are no walls there
For love transforms changes forms but never fades
No lie can trick, no deception can trip
For there is nowhere to fall
Just myths and stories created to keep us hiding behind walls
to keep us from escaping the cage to keep us controlled

Be who you want to be, do as your soul desires
Follow the fire that burns from within

hi everyone...


I am back, Jet lag is not so fun, more so when you go from Myanmar to Bangkok then Bangkok to Hong Kong Then Hong Kong to San Francisco... :) but I made it and have stories to tell of course.
But they will have to wait while I take care of a few thing here first. I am going on a raw liquid diet for a bit, it consist of lots of berries, and greens and things like chynne pepper garlic and other good things for the immune system and overall health. I have lots to go do, my birthday is the 29th and I have a shoot tomorrow, I have to unpack, I have big contracts that showed up in the mail I have to finish so I can get paid;) things are good. The trip was of course mind blowing and amazing, I have lots to share very soon, but for the moment I need to recenter myself.



I am very excited about the shoots, shows and projects that are starting to develop for the next year. New music will be released as soon as we can finish it, I being an aries wish it was done yesterday and yet I know what I am working on is good enough to wait for. But waiting is so hard for me, I am working on a new site and am looking for some people to help, I have a intro video and do not know how to embed it as flash into the site, and am looking for someone to help with that,and also graphics, I have some basics but am hoping to get them tricked out a bit..

So soon there will be a new site, new music, and new images and stories but in the meantime here are a few while I catch up so I can share more...

I will be in SF/LA/NYC over the next 6 weeks fyi... to those friends/ co creators who want to find me drop me an email or message...

Now back to work:)
J

Bali, Rebab, Brahmans and Bali Buddha (and pictures from the otherside)

The images below are from BALI there are many more, I am behind on editing my photos so the stories and the photos don't completely match but you will get the idea;) enjoy and I hope one day you visit as well:)


Waking up after another bizarre nightmare, which I am hoping all of my nightmares may be a side effect of hypoglycemia rather then my mind just seeming to trick out a bit lately. It wasn't a bad nightmare and was kinda amusing because it would never happen but waking up wishing it wouldn't have happened but being amused as I told Grant the story. Still recovering from yesterday I ate my fruit again and then drank my tea while getting ready for my day,

we left around ten to go to meet our friend at a gym. last night while reading our book for story time on Bali (Sekala & Niskala) we discovered our friend Ida Bagus came from the Brahmans caste. Granted I never really paid that much attention to things such as caste, but being here I am intrigued to understand more about the culture and religion. Grant got a lovely book which I have been begging him to read me everynight fascinated by the religion and the ritual. We meet Ida Bagus last week, I was walking down the sidewalk paying some attention to the often dangerous sidewalk ( with large pieces missing at any given time without warning) but for a moment my eyes were more interested in looking at Grant or the houses or a temple, and then I fell, my entire leg past my knee going down into the black murky underworld which I would never want to fall into. The world under the sidewalks seems to work as a bit of a water system that carries snakes, garbage, dirt, and other waste, Grant helped me up and then I looked down to see my leg a mixture of blood, concrete and black dirt. I saw three large rusted metal pieces sticking out, and was glad I had gotten a shot for these such issues, but instantly thought of infections and how much I didn't want one.

I had one goal in mind get it clean, and get something on it to kill anything that could really hurt me. I started out on my mission bringing Grant with me, I went to the first open store I saw ( but because this is the biggest holiday like our christmas many things have been closed on and off) and asked if they had anything to put on my cut, they didn't have anything. So then I wondered to the next store, and then didn't have anything and then I went to another store at this point feeling a bit strange and worried about the possibility of infection and they didn't have anything but then this man said come with me. I glanced at Grant who gave me the its ok and then we followed him into his villa. Inside was a universe of its own homes, animals, people, he lead us over to a outside area and then vanished, he returned a few moments latter with the antiseptic, hot water, and cotton pads, he talked to Grant as I cleaned the cut, somewhere the conversation turned and he discovered his grandfather was a rebab master and teacher.

Now Grant had been talking about wanting rebab music since we arrived in Bali, and to me I had to bring up the fact that if I had not fallen and cut my knee then he wouldn't have been connected to Ida Bagus and then would not have been connected to the rebab player. Of course I wondered if our new friend really wanted to be our friend or if he was just looking to make money off of us, which is sad but after two weeks in Bali I have learned that many of the people are trying to sell you a transport, a dress, food, drink, something. But he didn't ask for anything, he didn't seem to want anything so I kept an openmind. A few days later we were walking to get a massage (at the small massage place with the best massages) and there he was waving hello, I went across the street to let the boys talk and got a cup of green tea and a turmeric juice for Grant. Again our friend was offering to help us, and again he didn't seem to want anything, we parted ways again until today.

We left our villa around 10 to meet him at a Gym near ubud, upon arriving we heard dance music and as I walked in I saw a small group of men in the nicest gym I have seen yet, Ida Bagus looked up and smiled as he walked over to greet us. He then proceeded to lead us through back alleys and tiny walkways into a large complex which was his grandfathers on his wife's side. His Grandfather the Rebab player had warm eyes, and a warm smile, we talked for a bit about music, san francisco, new york, and he was one of the warmest and nicest people I had meet on my trip thus far. He has people come to him from all over the world and lots of people from San Francisco to learn to play gamelan and or paint. His painting are very detailed very deep and take a very long time, he is a very warm and talented man. The also run a home stay which is very peaceful and very warm.

His wife came out to greet us, she was very petite with a huge smile and warm eyes. We spent a good amount of time talking out art, religion, and life and then slowly ended up talking about recording, then Grant set up the gear and Ida Bagus made a little place for me to sit. The old man started to play his surreal instrument and the most haunting music came out, I spent most of the time they were recording taking video as well as pictures. There was something beautiful and magical about it, very spiritual and soulful, music so foreign from our radios and festivals clubs and televisions, music that takes my mind into another world, of images dreams and insights. I started having visions ideas concepts and then his wife appeared from around the corner bringing gifts of tea and food, she left the food and then smiled as she departed.

I sadly am going to have to give up things I really like to eat, like bananas, honey, sugar, and days full of nothing but smoothies, after someone wrote me and I did some further research I remembered why I vowed off high carbohydrate foods years ago, it wasn't to keep me thin it was to keep me feeling normal, keep me balanced, and keep me from having these episodes. I adjusted to a diet of tofu, vegetables, nuts, and some fruit, and didn't have any problems, for the most part except when I couldn't eat for hours. My friends lovers and others would always be encouraging me to eat some rice, pasta, bread, or cake, and usually I was a good girl and said no. Often not explaining hey you know if I do that I run the risk of having a meltdown and it ending in a seizure where I blackout, go into a cold sweat, and basically end up in deep trouble. I would just say no, and stick to my daily ritual of salad after salad with sometimes steamed vegetables, soup or other low carb foods.

Somewhere along the way I forgot why I ate that way and ventured out, eating some rice now and then, and lots of smoothies, and while on the road often eating nothing but juice and bananas while hoping to stop at a subway ( I know but when your in Idaho between cities there isn't much) everyone else could eat anything they wanted and I kept trying to eat my salad and nuts and tofu, no matter how strange I seemed or from what sources. I forgot why I ate the way I did, until that moment when I was about to pass out. I am really healthy or so it seems everytime I go to a doctor they tell me everything is fine except I need more Iron or calcium or something, but never anything else. Then again I don't tell them you know sometimes I just pass out, If I do then they say well your hypoglycemic so eat some meat, but for me I really don't like eating meat and only eat it if I feel I need it or if I am somewhere that I can't find an alternative and fish is better then rice for me because back to the no carbohydrate situation. Sadly I love smoothies, I love bananas, I love honey, I love rice, and spring rolls and all these foods that don't seem to do so well with my body. If I stick to protein vegetables and some fruits but not to many, but no rice, bread, sugar, ( except in emergency) I tend to feel more stable normal and balanced.

So for the rest of my trip I am going to try to avoid having that happen again and I did some research and discovered which foods are low in carbs. I sadly will have to go back to my monk like diet even though I want to eat candy like all the other kids but I don't want to have that happen again, neither does Grant.
After Ida Bagus Grandfather was finished he came over to chat with us, we talked about religion, spirituality, meditation, and then Grant asked him is he was a Brahman and he said yes, how do you know then Grant told him he had been studying .

The Brahmans are descendants of the priest, and are many times priest, and so knowing that we ended up asking if he knew of a healer a real healer, and he said of course, and then Grant asked what the healer would want, " nothing just come talk" " I will take you" . I believe it is his other Grandfather, and he spoke of how he heals, and how he never charges, and that sounds about right, and so sometime this week we will venture in to meet his other Grandfather. At some point I needed food, and so I made the request I was starting to feel dizzy and I knew eating more fruit was no longer the answer and so he rapidly started trying to figure out the cheapest easiest way to get us to food. Within ten minutes I was at Bali Buddha which was a slice of heaven across the street from the not so healing healer we visited the day before. Inside I recognized a girl from a few of the shows we did, I didn't know her name she didn't know ours but we nodded in the usual I know you from somewhere nod. Upstairs was a lush and comfortable place to sit, looking at the menu I found myself in heaven, I could eat so many of the dishes and it was all really affordable ( like a dollar twenty for a huge bowl of soup)

Grant arrived a few moments latter and joined me, we ordered an amazing meal and discussed our future plans here and in the other parts of the world we may wonder. After our meal was finished our driver was here to get us, it was raining which I don't mind when it rains here it gets much cooler and so I have grown to love the rain for with it comes cool weather. Arriving back at our villa we reflected and I spent time writing, taking a bath and meditating till dinner came ( Grant has been on the computer looking up hotels and making plans for Bangkok and Myanmar. Now I am going to go and maybe do some yoga if I feel like I can, if not just going to finish this blog and relax a bit;)

Bali Friday January 17th 7:37 am
Landing in Bali I waited for what seemed like forever for my bags, I had offers from many porters to help me carry my bags but after all the years of being in NY alone hauling my large heavy bags up and down the stairs I declined. Going through customs was easy, but I had gotten my 60 day visa prior to arrival, because they will only grant you thirty days now unless you get it before you leave. Walking outside it was humid but not very hot and then through the lines and lines of people waiting to pick people up I saw Grant and quickly walked over. We did what we usually do and hugged and kissed, then I waited while he ran to the restroom, I waited with our driver who had a cough not the same cough that I had but another cough. Driving from the airport to Ubud I saw lots and lots of arts and crafts, many people on little scooters, despite the pouring rain and one Mcdonalds and one Starbucks, but since we have been in Ubud I have yet to report I have not seem another. We drove done many roads and the more we drove the narrower they became until we were on a tiny one laned road with what looked like a tiny mot next to it. The car I felt hardly fit between the walls and the mot and I wondered if we were going to make it. Then we saw a very happy looking man who waved us in and helped the big car fit through the narrow gate into the complex. We parked and got out, I looked around and saw little dogs, the same dogs that seem to be everywhere on the island and several white ducks and everywhere I looked it was beautiful, the Villas, the pool the stone walls, the statutes guarding the doors and the villas. We kept walking further and further back till we came to the last door, opening it we walked through a tiny garden, past a little porch created for writing or eating and then by the outdoor living room overlooking the rice fields and then into our master bedroom, with its marble floors , large canopy bed, with Buddha's and sculptures in every corner. He had prepared the space for me involving fresh fruits I have never seen before and dark chocolate from the market. Local music played softly in the corner. Continuing to explore I found a large bathtub outside surrounded by walls and large plants, and then if I kept walking a meditative corner with a huge Buddha. The entire place is surrounded by water and in the water lives hundreds of goldfish, and out of the walls which also surround the space are statutes which water pours out of. They prepared a raw section to there menu, the same people who own the Villa we are staying in also own a popular restaurant in town, the food looked amazing and I had been told everything was amazing. We spent a very lovely evening together curled up in our paradise on the other-side of the world, far away from the noise and the constant distraction. The majority of the noise we hear in our villa comes from the animals, frogs, birds, dogs, cats, and our little friend gecko which seems to enjoy talking to us in the evening.
In the morning I met Eddie which seems to be the right hand man to the people who run the house, He is very nice very friendly very kind. They brought us our Breakfast which was amazing and delicious. So far my stomach has had no problems, and hopefully it will continue to be that way. After eating a lovely meal we got ready and went into Ubud to go to the Monkey Temple. Walking in they try to sell you lots of bananas for 30 times what you would pay at the market ( go buy them there) inside you see monkeys everywhere, some jumping on people to steal there bananas, some walking beside people, some loving each other, fighting with each other, all with there very own personalities. We wondered around observing both the tourist and the monkeys, for the tourist are an attraction themselves, it seems many come from the UK as well as Japan. This morning Grant told me about the customs and women baring there shoulders or wearing really short shorts is not respected and so my concept of running around close to naked like I used to in Miami slowly faded, and ever since then I have been attempting to discover how I could still wear as little as possible without offending the locals. Yesterday I wore a skirt and a tiny t-shirt, I still don't understand the whole covering the shoulders thing, but it gave me an excuse to go to the market to try to find things which would cover my white skin and prevent me from offending the locals. But now of course I notice every women wearing there sleeveless tops or even less. Its a game, of course. We arrived at the temple we put on the temple wardrobe over our wardrobe which consisted of a sarong and a stash a bright yellow one, and then inside it was quiet. The strange statues which seem to be a mixture of human, animal, and spirits stare back at me, some with giant tongues and huge breast, some with large eyes and babies attached to them. I have no idea what they mean and would like to understand them, there meaning there symbology. Inside monkeys roamed freely, fighting, dancing, running and then I noticed them cleaning each other, I walked over and sat down next to them, they don't seem to mind me, it is as if I was just another monkey, they don't even notice me it seems I keep watching them, and they don't notice me there hands look like our hands and they are so precise so focused so intelligently done. On the way out we are looking at some monkeys and one of them Grabs my hand and wants to come with me, Grant does not approve of me taking the monkey with me or letting the monkey climb on me, I look at the cute little thing and of course want to bring it home, but I let it be. Then we wondered around the monkey temple and see a Villa for sale and many many shops and then we found a Ayurvedic Doctor which we talked to and may go visit, she is from india, and was very nice. Then we wondered back to find the path to Ubud, We were walking along the path and then we realized we were on the motor bike path, and Grant of course being mr logic started walking back, I though I will just walk through the trees and up all of the three feet, I was doing really good until I put my foot on top of a leaf which I thought was solid ground below and my entire foot and shoe sunk into the dark mud. I was laughing at the mess I had made, and Grant was shaking his head because it seems everytime he turns around I am getting into trouble. We stopped at the bathroom of the Monkey Temple on the way out and I propped my foot up to the sink and cleaned it as a few British women walked past asking what happened, " don't go off the path" I got all the mud out from under my toes and off my shoes and then went back outside to meet Grant. We walked along Ubud everywhere I look are offerings to the Gods, and beautiful stores filled with arts, crafts, clothing and just about everything you can imagine. I see paintings of Buddha, many of the hindu gods, side by side with paintings of naked women and sculptures of the lovely penis, all next to each other, as if it was all connected rather then something to separate. We get a smoothie at a natural food place for a little over a dollar and then we meet our driver which takes us to a spa. The Spa Hati, it was a beautiful place, we got undressed and wrapped the sarong around ourselves then went into a room then for an hours we received an amazing massage and then a body scrub, which was something we had never done before, afterwards we showered and then I climbed into a huge stone tub filled with flowers. In America we can't even afford spa treatments like these, but in america it would coast 250-300 dollars each or something and here it was around twenty five dollars each. If you want to go somewhere to get healthy, do yoga, eat fruit, lose weight, and meditate, and chill Bali is the spot, not to mention the temples and the art everywhere make it very inspirational. I can't remember the last time I spent a day just doing things for pleasure, and it was lovely. Of course I already want to have a place here and come back, because I feel better, my dreams are more vivid, I don't feel like I am always fighting something. Then again here I am rich, in America I am far from rich in America I live hand to mouth like most artist but here the majority of people make 50 dollars a month. In America you couldn't even live off that, here you can, they do, many of them do. So it is easier here to live a lifestyle where I could actually afford to go and get a massage. Of course there are all kinds of complications with that, but for me if I could I would come to a place like this for three months to write music, to create, then go back to America to promote and work etc, and just go back and forth. The flight is pretty long but its so worth it. After the massage, body scrub, and steam room we walked back to the restaurant and had a smoothie and spring roll which were so delicious and very healthy tasting. Then we returned to our Villa, and then ate an amazing dinner, relaxed and talked and then fell asleep really early, right after dark. We are still Jet lagged and so sleeping is still complicated, I cough, we wake up lots still and sleeping through the night hasn't be the easiest thing to do.
This morning I am writing and he is researching drivers, the drivers have gone up, because the price of Gas and so on, and so its more expensive then last time. He is the greatest trip planner, I am so blessed I get to just lounge around in utopia while he researches how to make it heaven here. We are going to go to the market today, there is one down the street, and then we may read by our pool, and then maybe go to Ubud to get facials and pedicures ( and manicure for me) and then come back and lounge read and eat another amazing raw meal by our amazing cook at the villa.
I am really enjoying my time off, I am trying not to work , so I am writing but not really doing much else, I am trying to set my mind free from the world it usually lives in. I want to connect and learn, absorb and grow, expand and see, and be in the moment, enjoying life here and now.

Yesterday I woke up to Stero Singing and Daren saying goodmorning, time to wake up. I was up the night before until two am working on my Grant report, and as usual everything that could go wrong did, from the CD burned not burning, to the printer running out of ink. But I have learned to adapt and improvise rather then get upset. There is no need to get upset because everything will happen the way it will happen. That is my mantra I don't always follow it, with work I learned after years of being told I was going to get a big job, or having things on the line that fell through because there were 100 people involved in a decision or the budget was cut or they wanted a blond, when it comes to work I have an easy time not freaking out, about things coming and going.

Love and romance on the other hand is a whole other story, that has been my greatest teacher for my programming and reality are two very different things. I was taught no sex before marriage, only have sex with one person, and the only way to be with anyone is in a closed relationship, and you must be with a man because being gay is bad. I was also taught that if a man loved you they would wait, they would be committed, they would only want you, they would not sleep with anyone else. I was also taught I should only date or marry a christian and that if I didn't my life would be hell. All of the above sounds like lots of rules and conditions, and for some reason my spirit never believed in all the rules and conditions, the same way my spirit cannot believe that everyone who believes in God but not Jesus are all going to hell. But because of my programming my spirit/heart/mind were always conflicted, I discovered at a young age I really like women, I discovered I liked having women lovers, but I was taught this was bad, and so part of me was conflicted but a larger part said I love who I love and so therefore who is to say it is bad. The first time I had sex with a man I was almost 18, and I was conflicted, because part of me enjoyed it and part of me was beating me up for being bad. I had an abusive boyfriend after that, and the only reason I stayed with him was guilt that if I left him I would be even worse, but it got so bad my friends kicked him out. Then after that I was pretty confused with this whole love thing, and then I was raped which didn't help. After that I had two girlfriends who I loved who loved me who I still love and still love me, and they helped me know what love was, and love is truth and truth can be hard. They hurt me, I hurt them but it was ok because in the end we loved each other and what was hurting each other happened to help us grow. Or at least thats how I look at it, I made a vow after abusive boyfriend number one, it would never happen again and it didn't, I did have a quick romance with a famous photographer who after almost a year of lovely times vanished without a word, of course years later he has said he was sorry and so on, but for me I was a bit confused, but I was in new york, and had no problem dating men or women for that matter. My next boyfriend lasted a good while and was a really really good man, really sweet, loving, caring, supportive, but we started drifting apart, and then it happened I met someone who completely altered my reality, and it was like magic, but also like a shooting star and as bright as it shined it fell from the sky. Then I was alone but I knew I needed to be, even though I didn't want to be and if it had not been for such an intense magical connection, I may have continued going from one relationship to the next, but the problem was this one felt so real, so deep, that I knew that it would take another one as bright, and someone on my path/vibration. So rather then jump into another relationship I just was alone even though I wasn't because this connection will never die, it just changed and I suppose you never really know love till you feel it and have it and then you are alone again. That was not easy, because it is as if you were given the keys to a magical kingdom and you played and loved it and were so happy and then the keys seemed to be gone.
But they were not gone, I had them all along, and that was my problem, I was looking for someone else to open the door, I believed love came from outside of me, I believed I needed someone to love me, and then I had what I wanted but because I couldn't love myself, because I didn't know how to love myself, I couldn't even be free or accept the love. How can you love anyone without loving yourself? I don't think its possible, we may try to tell ourselves it is but its not. So for years I was single, I would sometimes have sex usually with my ex or really close friends because well I am human and I did the whole vow of celibacy thing for about a year and doing it was good because it taught me I don't need sex, My body needs a release but it doesn't have to be sex. I like having sex but don't need it and I worked on myself, I worked on loving myself on loving my body on accepting myself as I was, on not being afraid to be who I was on deprogramming my programming, soul searching, creating, traveling, friendships. I worked on developing healthy friendships and then after years I decided to start exploring again and so I opened up and started jumping back in. I love people, and I have lots of love to give and I have also come to terms with the reality I am a very sexual person and I don't think its bad, it just is, I am a passionate person, and that comes out in many ways, passion, intensity, fire are things I love and are part of me.. During this process I had my share of encounters with beautiful people, and along the way I realized what I wanted, and what I wanted was someone on the same path, or no one at all. I also knew that if they were meant to be with me, they would chose to be, I wouldn't have to fight or try to make them. It was when I was ok being alone, it was when I was happy being alone, it was when I loved myself that in came another shining star.
We fell in love, we moved in together, we make music together, we travel together, and we love each other. We are both very bright stars, both very independent,and both extremely strong signs, and so sometimes we fight, and I cry, and we argue, and then we resolve and then we make love, sometimes there are explosions for the signs and stars collide and both of us are masters of our own universes...
With everything there shadow, and with love the shadow can sometimes be fear, and at the moment I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel happy, but it has been very new for me, because I was taught I was weak, and to fight with a man meant abuse, meant pain, or them leaving, but that was because it wasn't out of love, they didn't love me unconditionally, and so I feared conflict, I feared destruction and creation, I feared transformation, and so for years I became submissive and then when I was unhappy I would just leave, rather then trying to resolve the conflict. I was afraid to fight, but fighting is healthy and normal within reason conflict will happen and resolve will bring you closer together, its just like the planet cycles of creation and destruction. If there was not fire in the woods then some of the planets would never grow or survive, things happen in order to keep things going in the direction they need to be going.
But there are moments when that programming, that part of my mind trapped in fear comes back and attempts to make me feel that because we don't always get along or see eye to eye he doesn't love me. But that is because my idea of love is not love, for love accepts what is unconditionally, but I was taught not to do that but if something wasn't the right way not to touch it.
In the plane I read the master of love, and I also spoke to a very nice man from india, about how programmed americans are. sadly our programming in america is not teaching us love, its teaching us fear, its not teaching us compassion but rather revenge. Its not teaching us spirituality but rather materialism. Yes there are many trying to deprogram to teach another way which is an extremely positive moment, call it green, call it the indigo children, call it anything you like. But yet the masses are still being programmed to fear, fear each other, fear yourself, fear the other countries, fear the government, fear being ugly, fear being poor.... fear not keeping up with the rest...
We may become a materially rich country, with a spiritually poor people, and everything can be taken away like that. We can spend trillions of dollars on homeland security but you can't control nature, and we are not helping nature either and in all things creation and destruction go hand in hand. I do not believe we can do what we are doing forever without feeling the consequences severely...
With one third of our population obese, with our country in how much debt, with the community and family structure falling apart, we are becoming easily controlled by fear which means we are prime to be manipulated and controlled.
But lets say this earth is heaven or hell and you get to create your reality, many people don't think they can, but of course you can, we have the ability to create anything we want, if we believe we can. But if people believe they are helpless, ugly, alone, unloved, no good, and bad, well they are living in hell, that is hell, forget dying and going to hell, so many people are living in hell already but it is a hell they have been told they have to live in and can't escape.
I know there are moment I feel like I am in that hell, but I know I can escape it I can go and create my heaven on earth, I can make my world beautiful, I can see beauty, I can love and feel love, for love is everywhere all the time. I am choosing to focus on creating heaven on earth, on loving myself and letting that love expand outward, on connecting with the love that is always there. I am still battling the fear, and always will because it is always hunting me and so therefor I must hunt it, but if I am aware and can be aware it is just fear, and that life can be beautiful, positive, wonderful, not hell but heaven, but in order for that to be..
I must find the truth and the truth will set me free, not my idea of the truth, not the programming of the truth, but what is, and accept what is, and know it is beautiful whatever it is as it is...
That isn't easy, but it expands the possibility and the ability to love as well as to find heaven on earth..
Narita Airport Japan

I am waiting for my plane I got here kinda early but I found honey cough drops, vegetable juice and a outlet so I am good to go. Its fascinating I wish I had more time to spend here, the only wall is everything is in Japanese and I can't read the language I have no idea how you could get around very easily without a tour guide. Everyone is really nice, at the hotel, the sauna, pool, and baths were very very nice and the cleanest I have ever seen. It was amazing how clean it was as well as amazing, attention to detail everywhere I have been so far. They have kids play rooms in the airport, what a great idea, and showers, as well as rooms to sleep in if you want, they have shopping mall, and far less food, but the food they have would be great if I ate rice and noodles. I haven't seen an really obese person not one, everyone seems pretty thin or moderate, which seems far healthier. Its really sad though to know that the whole world wants to be like america and so there are more and more fast food shops, and more and more american pop culture invading the youth of India Asia and the world. The american dream is a an illusion the american dream is what hollywood and the entertainment industry project, big houses, big cars, beautiful people, but thats the minority thats a fraction of a fraction of america. Yes you can achieve that, but you can do that anywhere in the world, in every country, america has a very good projection machine, and because of that we can project whatever we want onto the whole world. If you become a star in america you can easily become a global star, but that is because it seems the american entertainment industry dominates the world. In a way the internet helps that, but it also makes it easier for people from other parts of the world to reach the masses through the internet.
I just believe that uniqueness is precious and that when the whole world tries to be like us that gets taken away and that is something I hope not to see. For I love what is different I love the contrast, I love the black against the white, I love seeing things I have never seen feeling things I have never felt, and if the whole world looks and feels like america it will become boring. I like all the different foods and languages and rituals. I enjoy learning from all of them. I would never want to be limited to one. So I hope that each culture can be its own for it is what is not the same which makes it so inspirational.

JAL Flight 729 from Japan to Bali

melitonin is a wonder drug for jet lag, I am already on schedule here. I have been doing my best to drink mass quantities of water, green tea, and eat healthy. I also have been drinking electrolights which seem to have helped as well. The only sign of the confusion and Jet lag is the fact that I am not sleepy but I am, and when I try to sleep my head just has a million things to think about. I did try to meditate for a bit, and I saw the path I used to walk on when I lived at home in georgia, walking in nature has always been a very magical thing for me, walking alone is a form of my meditation and one I need to recommit to in my life. Since getting married and moving I rarely walk alone, and before I used to do it many times a day, I have to have my rituals they are important to me. I feel God is elusive, but maybe God is always here in fact we are so connect I am part of God and God is part of me, so I don't need to chase God, rather just know God is here, there everywhere, and its only my mind or the illusion trying to trick me. Then again I have erased my programming of God and sometimes think I could call it something else in order to start over, but I know God and love are connected and I know God and I are connected, and beyond that I am open minded, and I have always found God in many things, in people in nature in meditation in the ocean the sky my lovers eyes my friends everywhere. I understand why people go out into the world to save other people or convert them, but how can anyone, or any group or any religion really know it is the one, and why did we or do we ever kill over religion, maybe they are all right, maybe they are all wrong, maybe all this killing was done for nothing. I like rituals, I like sharing them with people, but I can't stick to one religion or one ritual, because I won't know till I explore and try them all and I learn something about myself and God with each adventure and so why stop myself. Why live in a box, a box one culture one religion told me was the right box, when there is a whole world out there with many forms of communion with God, dance, music, meditation, yoga, rituals, there are so many forms and I believe everyone has there own rituals, one thing I learned in my days in the land of S&M was that it too is another form of ritual which achieves an altered state one that can be very meditative and transportive, from the outside world some people see it as dark, but rituals involving pain and or pain and sex can be very mind expanding, like taking a drug, because often we fear pain we fear sex in america too, and we fear God. But why fear pain, what fear a broken heart, why fear God, fear fear, that makes sense but to fear God seems like something is miscommunicated. I suppose I may be on a quest to learn and understand as many rituals as possible, to partake of them, for they always expand my perspective on life as well as what is possible. I will say that my early drug use was very mind expanded and although I have stopped doing anything in excess using drugs for shamanistic purposes and or for a ritual I feel is not a negative thing.

( below are images from my recent work and of the places I am going;)



Its been awhile, I have been working really hard on music as well as other things. The holidays can be very stressful which is sad, holidays shouldn't be stressful, one of the biggest stresses is of course christmas shopping which I have not been doing much of this year. I went to see the movie " What would Jesus Buy" and it made me think alot. So this year my presents have all come from places I feel good about and are things I feel good about giving.
We now have all of our recycling set up, and my house feels like a home, and of course now I am leaving for almost three months to go to southeast asia. To write, to work on music, to soak in things which inspire me and to do some soul searching amongst the ancient ruins and cultures that have existed for far longer then we have.

Spiritually it has been challenging with more responsibilities more demands more things I have to do sometimes I find myself in tears because I just feel I have so much to do and so little time. The film I did was an amazing experience, I loved working with the director and crew and am excited to see it, It was wonderful because I got to be creative everyday and in a whole new way. I did tons of photoshoots and then arrived back here and had lots to do, traveling requires preplanning and shots and all kinds of things, R of course knows what to do and how to do it so I just did lots of following directions. I have never been to these places so I don't know and thats exciting what is more exciting is I love temples and nature and places devoid of what has become the sadly homogenized landscapes that fill what once was a planet filled with strange unique little spaces and places. I am looking forward to going to Bali, Cambodia, and Myanmar, with a few stops in bigger cities such as Tokyo, Hong Kong, and Bangkok. I saved up my frequent flyer miles so I am not paying for my plan ticket over there and we are staying pretty low key. I am looking forward to really soaking in the energy and learning from these other cultures and places, as well as spending time in temples and really absorbing another worlds perspective on spirituality and God....









I am a bit of a loner, I love creating, and when I am not creating I love doing things like meditating, yoga, walking, exploring, running, reading or traveling. I have pretty much given up drinking except on rare occasions or holidays, and its altered the way I live my life, I also just feel like the clock is always ticking and my days here are numbered. I know I am going to die and I want to try to leave as much behind as I can, for I am blessed to be able to see and explore and I feel if I share what I learn then I am helping to continue the inspiration . Its more important for me to do what I feel in my spirit then to live in a box, and sometimes what I chose to do is to be alone, to become one with nature, with the energy around me with the stars and sun, the ocean and the silence and in those spaces I find peace and I find endless love and joy. Its people I sometimes have a hard time with, or they have a hard time with me. People feel like I don't need them and in a way maybe they are right, but its not because I don't care its because I have spent most of my life moving, changing, and have learned people come and people go people love me even when there gone and I learned I will always have love, I will always have friends, I will always have someone to share my smiles or tears with. For everyone can be my friend, sister, brother, father, mother, everyone is my friend or could be, and so there is no shortage of people to love and be loved by. So I am not afraid of leaving for three months or three years because I know while I am there I will meet others and they will meet me and we will exchange something beautiful and then move on, maybe we meet again maybe not, maybe we never really separate.

My best friend is silence though, is the air the music the spirits that dance beside me in every moment and people come and go and I come and go and life isn't about clinging for if I cling it kills me, if I just let go and let life be what life is then I find myself able to accept what is. Which is not always easy, sometimes there are challenges usually when someone does something I don't like or that hurts me. For years I never really got angry, my beautiful therapist told me once I should and I looked at her and said I couldn't I didn't know how I had suppressed it so deep and so long and was afraid of it for so long because I had seen what uncontrolled anger can do.
Then one day I found myself wanting to break something smash something break something and I remember others doing it I remember seeing how they felt I remember seeing them breaking glass crying screaming and I had become them.. I found anger staring a my face and I didn't know how to channel it properly, so for a few months I would find myself hurting, crying, screaming, walking out of rooms, walking in the middle of the night, going to the ocean, I found an energy so powerful capable of hurting myself things or people if I didn't do something to figure out how to redirect it.

Anger, isn't always evil, its not always bad I was angry because for years I let people do whatever they wanted even if it hurt me, because I was afraid to stand up for myself afraid to fight for myself or even express how I felt. When I was raped I went along with it, when I was asked to do things as a model I wasn't comfortable with I used to do it, I used to do lots of things for lots of people because I was afraid to make them upset or get upset myself I was submissive to the point of it being very unhealthy. I remember one of my lovers telling me it wasn't normal for us to never fight, I didn't want to fight I was afraid to fight I was afraid he would leave me if I didn't do everything perfect and be everything he wanted. But what I didn't know was I wasn't me and he wanted me, not what I thought he wanted me to be. I slowly learned how to tell my lover I was upset, over the course of having many of them, I still hid my tears usually, and I would always go lock myself in isolation for my breakdowns, even when what I wanted to do was communicate but I was still afraid to.
Then I got married, and well there was no more hiding, no more running away, no more not communicating no more pretending I was ok with things that I was not. Slowly my anger started to come out, all of it every bit of it I had repressed and then once it came out and discovered my lover didn't run or leave me because I didn't agree with him and didn't like something he did. Then my anger was released and this emotion I never let myself feel came out full force.

It as if I sit on the roof as the storm coming and let the lightening hit me rather then running away now, and when it hits it shocks the system and I feel everything moving, everything breathing every cell alive and on fire, passion, love emotions fear hope all bundled into one, and then I had to learn what to do with this energy. It usually carries a message and the message usually has to do with feeling violated or not respected or not heard or something, and for me it can be minor, as in I wouldn't ever do some things he does and thinks is fine to do, but because I would never do them when he does them it upsets me.

Anger comes to the surface and then I have learned if I listen to it and the message it carries rather then just let it wash over my emotions then usually I can communicate whats bothering me or what makes me uncomfortable and then resolve can follow.
Sometimes this listening takes me a bit of time because at first its not rational, its memories blended with reality, but I found walking, or going in the other room, or even just being quiet and listening till it all makes sense then speaking really helps. Rather then letting the anger take over watch it listen to it and know it will pass.

I learned through meditation all things will pass all emotions will pass and if I just observe it often it makes sense I can be proactive rather then reactive. Sometimes its easier said then done... but I am working on it.
One thing I have learned is that if I have lots to do and lots on my plate I can't overcommit I can't do too much I have to make sure I have space to meditate and reflect or else its just too easy to spin out of control.
I love people I love my friends I love creating I love being alone I love life and so I have learned I have to follow the love. Yet its easy to be upset when we don't get what we want and we all get upset sometimes because we want something we don't get and its something I have and continue to work on which is accepting what is and or changing myself and my life because in the end I am the only one who can do it.
I am the only one who can chose love or chose happiness or chose pain and chose to worry I am the one who can chose to be alone or with others, I am making the choice no one is making me do anything.

( Dvus Designs for the 2008 Campagin by Justin Hyte )
Now I have also learned through these choices sometimes I upset people, I chose to be alone, i chose to not be social I chose to write I chose to make music I chose to go to the gym to eat healthy to BE healthy I chose to focus on what I focus on. I chose to give when I give how I give I CHOSE to love I chose to remove myself out of toxic or negative situations I chose to distance myself from things which cause me harm I chose to live the life I live. I made thousands of choices which ended here...



I was given obstacles I was given walls to climb broken hearts to mend and wounds to heal, but through those things I have learned that we can overcome, we can heal we can climb the walls, and so without them I wouldn't know that and knowing is being aware. I have learned its my life I am responsible I have free will and I can make it something beautiful if I chose and no one and nothing can stop me from that, they can try and become another wound wall or obstacle but if my intention is to create something beautiful then that is WHAT it will BECOME. The ashes will become stars and the darkness will become a sunrise and all of it is beautiful and what it was meant to be...
I can't offer much I can only offer what I create and what I learn along the way, and I hope that it can inspire you:)

I arrived back in San Francisco, the beautiful weather and sun greeted me as I spent two days remembering how to relax and take care of myself. I spent October on Tour and then I was home for four days and then Left for LA, I did three photo shoots in two days ( see attached samples) and then I started my movie. I played the lead in a independent french feature film, it was my first lead in a movie with a good bit of money and people behind it. I had no concern on if I could act, my whole life I knew I could act and if so chose I could do very well at it. But I learned in my younger days just doing things for money can lead to lack of peace and so since learning that I try to keep all my work, music, modeling, acting limited to things which I believe are artistic, having meaning or I just feel good about. I enjoy working with people and helping them manifest there vision, be it a producer, a film maker or a photographer, because I feel good about creating things, I feel good when I am creative. I am happy when I am making art, making beautiful pictures, performing, touring, writing and recording music or planning ways to get it to you. I really enjoyed working on the movie, I got to travel to amazing places in Big Sur, Cambria, and Saint Lucia, I enjoyed becoming my character ( I played a photographer) and losing my need to be beautiful all the time because my character was a artist not a model. I enjoyed working with the other actors and actresses as well as the crew;) I really had a good time and now I wait for the next film to come along. This one is special though it has soul, depth, meaning, purpose, and I love giving my all to projects with depth. I have learned I MUST take GOOD care of myself, and because of that I may seem like a diva, I NEED my Sleep, my water, my healthy food, and my special time, I don't work well without sleep, food or being relaxed. I see so many people in the industry and the world just abuse themselves in such subtle ways, eating things that can hardly qualify as food, not sleeping, and consuming various medications or drugs to try to recreate the feeling of balance. Real balance is not VERY hard to achieve, its easier then trying to cover up what is not in balance. I can look at someone now and read what's going on, if they sleep, if they workout, if they eat right, if they like themselves, if they are at peace, if they are happy or not, if they are close to me often I will try to help them, if not often I wish I could, because I can see when people are suffering. Yes I know suffering is part of life but lots of it we create for ourselves and its unnecessary. It took me years to learn, wait if I eat, sleep, and keep healthy NON TOXIC relationships, wait.... wow things get easier, things flow, and even when the drama, or the intensity comes, its not the end of the world its just a problem to address and work through. I haven't been depressed in years, I have been happy, sad, angry, loving, peaceful, confused, upset, disappointed, hurt, joyful, ecstatic, hopeful but not depressed.

But I learned something about love, LOVE is not about letting people use you or abuse you or manipulate you for there own selfish reasons. That is NOT LOVE. People sadly use the word love to manipulate people to get what they want, be it emotional spiritual or sexual, and my eyes have become open and I can see when someone's motives are not pure. If I meet you, I am open, you have a door, but if you throw a rock at my face, or try to manipulate me or tell me you that you care but your actions are void of any reflection of that care or love, then I still Love you in the sense we are all one, but I will not sit there and let you abuse, manipulate or confuse me or the ones closest to me. I tend to confront people and if they stop there non loving actions then all good, we continue forward, if they can't see it or won't even consider its possible they are not perfect then I know its not healthy for me to stick around and let someone repetitively hurt me just to make themselves feel better. One of my friends once told me if you allow someone to harm you, you are encouraging harm. So if someone harms me, I remove myself from them being able to harm me UNLESS they realize they harmed me, or see it when confronted and genuinely come back and seek understanding/forgivness. If not I may love these people and wish them well but I am not going to stand around and let them use, abuse or confuse me. Love and truth go hand in hand the truth can often be harsh and far from easy or fun but without truth you cannot have love and without love you cannot have truth. Its hard telling someone you love something you know they won't like or feel they won't like you as much if they knew. But I have been learning is better to do that then to live in the illusion that everything is all good when non of it is even real.

If I care I will be open and honest, if I love you I will tell you if you hurt me if I am angry if you confuse me for that is love anything less then that is a game not love. Respect is another thing I have been learning, respect for myself and others and respecting peoples time energy and gifts. At the same time the more I learn the more I see that often people are extremely disrespectful. Its really sad when people know your married or in a committed relationship and still cross boundaries and make gestures or passes that are crossing the healthy protective boundaries of marriage or even commitment. Its really sad people can't respect a union and try to nurture it and uplift it rather then trying to undermine it for there own selfish and personal gain. I get along really well with my exes because they have all been supportive and respectful, and because of that we can still be on good terms, but if any of them were not that way I would have to distance myself because again I can't control what other people do but I can control how I respond and if someone is being disrespectful toward a union in any way period maybe I can't change them but I can chose how much if any interaction I have with them at least till I see respect. Talk is cheap actions speak louder then words and if you love someone you respect them and there chosen partner if you only respect one or love one and not the other when people join in a union its a very hard situation. For its not always easy, I have been the ex trying just to be friends with my exes but because peoples partners didn't feel ok, I would back off, if I heard my ex partners new partner was uncomfortable with me being around I would back off, because I know if I respect them over time things usually work themselves out. So far it has worked and I am on good terms with everyone for the most part. But I respect there partners as much as them, I have learned its the only way to be if your going to be loving. Respecting there partners means I don't do things which make there partners uncomfortable or at least as much as possible. Not saying I have always been this way, I learned to become this way because I realized being anything less is not loving, not supportive and not compassionate. If I make someone feel uncomfortable I should go out of my way to try to fix it, not blame it on them because if someone is uncomfortable chances are its there intuition or physic ability or spirit picking up on the truth. I don't confuse intuition with insecurity. I had an intuition that my lover at the time was sleeping with his ex when I left town some people would say I was just being insecure, but the truth was I was just really intuitive. I can feel and see things not on the surface, and the majority of the time I am dead on and I have learned if I am uncomfortable anywhere for any reason chances are there is a reason and I should listen to it and not brush it off all the time. Example is I am comfortable and open with 99.9 percent of the people I interact with, I work with, I know, my partners friends, and just overall. But now and then I am not, and I feel uncomfortable, and since its the 1 percent and not the 99 I have learned thats my instinct and my spirit guides or angels or whatever watching out for me and warning me. Sometimes its nothing more then someone not having good intention toward me or them just being to concerned with what they want, need, desire that they don't care about how it makes me feel or how it affects me. I have realized some people are just not aware of how they affect or effect others and its something you have to work on, its not easy to be aware much easier to be....

distracted...

Ahhhhh yes... I plead guilty, I have been there, but I don't stay there, I notice things the things most people don't see, today while getting on the train I notice a normal looking man but then saw the cable running up to his ear from under his shirt and then out popped the badge, I notice who is around me what they are doing, I notice how peoples eyes move how there body moves, I feel them, I feel peoples energy, sometimes it gets to be too much, when I first got back to new york the intensity hit me for a moment. People rushing, people stressed, bills, breakups dramas, people with ipods all matching, in and out of the stairs and subways, people with places to be and things to do... I watch them as they walk by, sometimes I would just walk really slowly, sit and just be in the midst of the running the stress the fear and just feel the world around me. I have to feel the world around me in order to be in the now and what else is there?

escaping

I used to believe it was all so simple, and now I believe there is so much I will never know or understand I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what they are doing, I could spend the rest of my life trying to intellectualize God and the meaning of life, I could spend the rest of my life searching for the answers to everything, but I feel that really all we need to know if we stay awake aware and open we will discover naturally on our path. My mind has stopped being as confusing its become much calmer I can focus I can be in the now I and I think thats just step one...

more soon he is home now so I have to go feed him...

I close my eyes
When I listen
Because I want to hear
The soul the spirit
The heart
I don't care about
The clothing the face
The size the shape
I want to hear it
Purely unknown
Without history
Without projections
Without judgements
Because they have programmed
Me us you we
To believe
That these things
Mean more then
The essence
The soul
The heart
The message.......

I like to close my eyes
When I really listen
The world is often
More distracting
When I sing
I like to close my eyes
as I listen as I feel as I hear
For what I see
Can distract me
From what sleeps
In the dark
In the night
In the silence
The stillness

For since I was a child
I find myself in this state
Listening in the dark
Feeling with intention
With attention
So when I see people
Listening not always moving
I know for I am often like them
Giving my full attention
To the intention
The purpose
The meaning
The feeling
The message

For often if we really don't listen
We never hear
What really being said

This isn't always easy
Trying to overcome
To rise out of the ashes
Its hard when they cast stones
Not knowing not caring
No support from those
Who point a finger and place blame
If they only knew my heart
If they only asked about the story
Then maybe this world
Would be a better place
But until then I am still
Building a wall to climb over
Out of the stones they throw

I wish I could stop the cycle
Prevent the abuse
Build back the boundaries
Paint a pretty picture
For all of us to live in
I wish I didn't have to see
The ghost of me in the
Eyes of those who
They buy and sell every other night
A piece of skin no peace of mind
What happened to protection
What happened to honor
What happened to women
Being seen as treasures

I used to dream of everything
I wanted to be
I used to believe I could
Create all those things
I am still trying but somewhere
Along the way I found myself
Filling needs and being to afraid
To leave then I left but
Behind me stands the photographs
That keep pieces of me locked in time
I try to rewind but its hard
To look behind
It hurts to remember all of it
Confusion and lust
Burn in the fire and dust
Love and lies
Twisted inside
Painted on the wall
Painted on my face
Forever locked in my eyes

I know the pain of the lonely
I know the pain of being
Nothing more then an object
Wanted only for lust
Nothing more
Its not an easy thing
To put back together my wings
To glue back the pieces
To find a way out
To find a way over
and its always there
trying to take me back
and they are always there
telling me that is all I can be
and they are always there
trying to keep me from
all those dreams
and they are always at my heels
always near my dreams
and I only want to be free

Then comes the moment
when I feel trapped
when I feel paralyzed
when I only want to bleed
so the pain can be released
when I only want to run
so I can find the other-side of the sun
the moments when everything
I ever did or saw hits me
and I feel as if I can't escape them
for they are always at my heels
always in my dreams
always trying to capture me
take me away from the beauty
for all the joy life can bring
I am still running
sometimes bleeding
sometimes crying
sometimes not knowing
how to keep striving
for there is beauty under the scars
there is hope under the fear
there is love under the pain
and I will keep running
harder and faster
for they are always there
trying to stop me
trying to tell me

I can't achieve these things
I cannot be what I want to be
but I can't believe
I won't believe
I will keep running and burning
and keep believing that someday
at the other-side of all of this
I will find myself in my dream

I will find the beauty in the ashes
The love in the pain
and the hope in the fear

so I keep putting
one foot in front of the other
everyday I continue to try
to manifest this dream
despite what I did
despite I what I saw
despite what was done to me
despite everything

for I have to fight
for I know I can make it out alive
even if they tell me I can't cross to the other-side

I will keep believing